Nursery for new baby, takes away bedroom for DSS

[Biffasum11]

Hi All,

Just need some advice from those that have maybe been in my shoes. Me and my husband have been married 3 years and are now expecting our first baby together. My husband has a dauggter with another woman who is almost 7. I have been in DSD life since she was two. We live in a three bed semi and saved to buy it. Currently we have our master bedroom , our spare room that is my dressing room/ DSD room when she's here. She's is here once a month for the weekend due to distance. Her mum moved 300 miles away when she was 1 year old. Our third bedroom is a box room and is now an office due to me working from home. We only have a small lounge dinner and very small kitchen so I needed a dedicated work space. Now my baby arrival is fairly soon. I would love a nursery I have always envisioned a lovely space with a rocking chair and a cot with all their little bits. Realistically we do need the spare room space for the baby as our living space would be too small and cluttered to keep everything there. But this would mean DSD has no room at ours and would need to sleep on a blowup bed or on the sofa. I do feel awful but at the same time I would love to have a decorated nursery. We can't move right now as would mean paying large sum for early repayment for our fixed rate. And just makes little sense to throw away thousands and we wouldn't get a four bed for what we could afford once we pay those charges. Plus when it's just us two house size is no issue. Should I feel like I'm just evil ? Husband seems fine to make me a nursery and doesn't seem to have any guilt so should I just enjoy it and not overhthink?

I don't think anyone is saying that DSD needs her very own room, just that she does need a bed to sleep in, not the sofa. Most people are suggesting that she shares with either the baby or the office.

Not a blended family parent here so you can’t accuses me of projecting. You need to have the nursery a bedroom for dsd too. It’s very very simple. If you were one of my friends I’d be horrified (I also have a job and have to get dressed every morning, before you dismiss me on that front too).
Poor dsd. Your baby isn’t even going to use that room for 6 months.

Would the blow up bed/sofa be downstairs in the living-room?

You really can't make this young child sleep on their own downstairs in a cold, strange house while the rest of you are snug and warm upstairs. What are you going to do if she has nightmares or is scared by herself?

What is the point in this thread exactly OP?

You've clearly already made your mind up and will not take on board ANY of the suggestions here, which are super helpful!

My heart is breaking for your step daughter! Can you imagine how it must feel for her to be pushed out of her home?

And I say that as a step mum in your exact position!

Get rid of the dressing room - that's only for Instagram - no one NEEDS a dressing room - unless you're a major celebrity! Move your dressing table into your bedroom if you must. You say it's small so it should fit in there.
Have nursery and office in bigger room and DSD in box room - loads of PPs have said about raised cabin beds etc - best solution! You won't be using your office when you're on maternity. And what happens if you go back to working in the office and no longer need the set up at home?

Your dsd should feel welcome and safe at her dads house. She didn't ask for her parents fo split up and for your dad to move on, so please don't exclude her here. It's her sibling too!

Imagine travelling 300 miles to sleep on the sofa, on the only occasion you get to see your dad. At 7 years old. While your new sister gets a room all to herself that she won't even use for a year or so.

Have your nursery by all means OP (and let's face it you've already decided you will), but pop a single bed with a pretty duvet cover on in there for your DSD, too. If that room fits a double bed and a dresser it'll fit a cot, changing unit and a single bed. Then at least your DSD won't feel quite as displaced in your lives.

But I don't think you will, quite frankly.

Put the office in your bedroom - if your step child was actually your child would you have them sleep on a sofa?

And balls to a nursery - your kid will most likely end up sleeping in your bed for several years, never mind wanting their own bed. I can't believe step parent posts like this. They need their own room no matter how few nights they spend - if you are with one of the parents that is non resident then they need to provide their children with rooms just as if they live with them full time. They aren't inconveniences, they are the most important thing in that parent's life, or at least they should be and therefore you do roll out the red carpet, just as you would if they lived with you full time. You want a nursery for your kid, then you and the father of this kid should want a separate room equally as lovely as the room for his kid, who is now your responsibility too.

Threads like this make me just hope and pray that my marriage makes it and my kids are never the ones being talked about like they're so unwanted. Planning to take a child's room away to make a room for the new baby... to make a 7 year old sleep on the sofa?! You cannot be serious!!!

@Beautiful3

Obviously I've touched a nerve with separated parents who have spilt homes and blended families.

I think I you've touched a nerve with every human with a bit of empathy for a 7yo girl tbh, regardless of family set up.

Do people still have dressing tables? How very quaint and unnecessary.

Going by cold hard probabilities, (he already has a failed marriage behind him) the OP's relationship is unlikely to last the distance. Let's hope her baby's step-mother is more of a kindly sort who won't expect her young step-child to sleep on the sofa once everyone has gone to bed at midnight.

The proportion of kids who lose touch with their dad in this kind of situation is pretty high. I'm guessing OP is banking on dsd being one of those before too long.

So move a desk into the spare room. It's only used as a bedroom once a month anyway

Make the box room your nursery. This is what we have

Our box room is tiny but has toddler bed, chest of drawers/ changing unit and wardrobe. Plus loads of toys now.

. DD is 3.5 and will need a bigger room soon. We are saving up to move

Baby can sleep in your room for six months anyway so you don't need to do anything right away

@FlumpyPoodle

Going by cold hard probabilities, (he already has a failed marriage behind him) the OP's relationship is unlikely to last the distance. Let's hope her baby's step-mother is more of a kindly sort who won't expect her young step-child to sleep on the sofa once everyone has gone to bed at midnight.

It's literally a bit Cinderella and the wicked stepmother, isn't it? And the poor baby - he/she could have a lovely older sister to spoil her and build a relationship with, but this approach is likely to ruin that too (and she'll be back in a year to say how her dsd isn't treating the baby nicely).

@Biffasum11

I can't read all the posts I read the majority

When I say dressing room it's a room that has a double bed, a wardrobe and a dressing table. My master has wardrobe space but isn't adequate for both myself and my partner. I'm not a nudist i work, I go out to meet people, I do activities. Which all require clothing. When DSD comes she brings a bag and I clear out my dressing table for the weekend and just use a makeup bag. 3/4 weekends I have the luxury if using my little dressing table , because again I like to take pride in my appearance. It was my little bit of luxury but was always going to go. So DSD's room always had a duel purpose. Whether it was a guest room or DSD was staying or simply my dressing room. I do feel awful , but my baby is coming with clothes and cribs and matts , I need the space of the spare room. I think a small single can be put in there with a cot. I've seen camper beds or something like that , they look nice and can be put away when she not here . That will work I take that on board. But it will be decorated to my taste as the room is already.

Here we have a modern example of the evil stepmother. I judge your dh too..he should be firm and never agree with his daughter sleeping on the sofa or camper.

I don't like threads like this that come across like when the stepchild visits the red carpets are rolled out.

I agree no red carpets need to be rolled out but taking away her bed and making her sleep on the sofa is the opposite of rolling out a red carpet. It's removing the existing standard carpet and making her walk on floorboards with nails sticking out of them.

Keep the office and they share the other double bedroom. There is no need for your SD to be sleeping on the floor in the living room when you have a three bedroom, two of which are double sized bedrooms. I get needing the office, everything else, you are being unreasonable and unwelcoming. Whilst I don't espouse the attitude some do that kids from first marriage get priority over all subsequent kids, I also don't agree with the revers of that and subsequent kids have priority to the detriment of kids from the first family. You are sounding pretty selfish.

Can you look at storage solutions to your bedroom to give the kids the 2nd bedroom to share and you keep your office.

We have space issues. My clothes didn't fit in our bedroom. Before our 2nd child arrived we invested in built in wardrobes right to the ceiling. Ruthless clear out. The storage space it created was amazing.

This would result in a complete break down in my relationship with my ex husband if he dared to do this to my children.

I am guessing this little girl would be relieved not to travel 600 mile round trip once a month for an enforced and awkward visit to her indifferent father anyway.

So I’d say no proper bedroom, shared or otherwise, means my daughter does not visit.

Just really hit me

This little girl is doing a 600 mile round journey once a month. For a weekend. She surely just spend both days just travelling

I'm also interested as to why your DH didn't protest when his ex took their daughter 300 miles away...

@Challengerice

Just really hit me

This little girl is doing a 600 mile round journey once a month. For a weekend. She surely just spend both days just travelling

Yes poor girl. And then bunged on a blow up mattress. If her dad really though much of her, he’d have her for longer. No wonder he’s happy to have her relegated to a blow up mattress or the broom cupboard.

@Ginger1982

I'm also interested as to why your DH didn't protest when his ex took their daughter 300 miles away...

He maybe did protest but he can't stop his ex from moving on with her life and moving where she wants to be.

The bottom line in the child needs a bed at her Dad's house, a proper bed, in a bedroom, she doesn't necessarily need a whole room to lie empty 90% of the time but she needs a bed.

How does it even work to settle a 7yo on the couch at 9pm or whatever while the adults want to watch TV.

This has just been posted!!!!

Op you MUST read

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4293709-i-think-my-stepmum-and-dad-were-unreasonable-bed-provision-for-me

Honestly @Challengerice I suspect the purpose of this treatment is to stop DSD from visiting

I suspect if the dad is as passive and uncaring as he comes across in OP's posts, I think it's probably a very good thing that the mum moved so far away.