Nursery for new baby, takes away bedroom for DSS

[Biffasum11]

Hi All,

Just need some advice from those that have maybe been in my shoes. Me and my husband have been married 3 years and are now expecting our first baby together. My husband has a dauggter with another woman who is almost 7. I have been in DSD life since she was two. We live in a three bed semi and saved to buy it. Currently we have our master bedroom , our spare room that is my dressing room/ DSD room when she's here. She's is here once a month for the weekend due to distance. Her mum moved 300 miles away when she was 1 year old. Our third bedroom is a box room and is now an office due to me working from home. We only have a small lounge dinner and very small kitchen so I needed a dedicated work space. Now my baby arrival is fairly soon. I would love a nursery I have always envisioned a lovely space with a rocking chair and a cot with all their little bits. Realistically we do need the spare room space for the baby as our living space would be too small and cluttered to keep everything there. But this would mean DSD has no room at ours and would need to sleep on a blowup bed or on the sofa. I do feel awful but at the same time I would love to have a decorated nursery. We can't move right now as would mean paying large sum for early repayment for our fixed rate. And just makes little sense to throw away thousands and we wouldn't get a four bed for what we could afford once we pay those charges. Plus when it's just us two house size is no issue. Should I feel like I'm just evil ? Husband seems fine to make me a nursery and doesn't seem to have any guilt so should I just enjoy it and not overhthink?

[quote mummysharky]@Biffasum11 I'm with you.

Your baby lives there 100% of the time. Dsd is what, 5%?

I don't like threads like this that come across like when the stepchild visits the red carpets are rolled out. Just no. To feel included and a part of the family they see and feel how things change when a baby comes along.

I'd either try to fit a small sleep area in the box room/ office or they share with baby- in baby's nursery. If the step child understands what's happening with changes and things are explained properly step child is totally ok.

Your baby is important and should have what you want for them. [/quote]
We're not saying she needs a red carpet.

We're saying she needs a fucking bed.

Or would you expect your kids to sleep on the floor 5% of the time? (To be pedantic it's actually 8%)

@mummysharky

I'd either try to fit a small sleep area in the box room/ office or they share with baby- in baby's nursery.

Same as what most have suggested then?

Which is completely different from what OP suggested - a blow up bed or papped on the sofa

Where's this red carpet treatment you speak of?

And the DSD is also important. Or at least she should be. Shouldn't even need saying.

baby in the spare room with home office (assuming its bigger?), baby will be in a cot so not crawling round for now?

Dsd in box room to herself? add your files etc in there so yes you will be split between 2 rooms but i think thats kinder

or both kids share the spare room, which if she stays once a month is okay. Baby will be with you at least 6 months anyhow

To put it another way, if the OP is rolling out a red carpet for the DSD, it's a red carpet containing a VIP make up touch up booth for adults only and some reporters there to interview the OP.

Enough people for tonight me thinks.

When everyone in agreeance to the OP has no relationship with offending children in twenty years come back to this thread.

good lord, the dsd only uses the room 12 x a year. if its sold to the dsd in the right way she won't feel pushed out. have a camp bed made up in your dressing room when she arrives. let her share your dd's room when your dd is older.

I've never wanted to be a Disney parent and give my children red carpet treatment, best take their beds away I guess.

They can sleep in the green house and I can have a gift wrapping room and possibly a meditation room in the other. They can have beds on their birthday for a night.

@lunar1

I've never wanted to be a Disney parent and give my children red carpet treatment, best take their beds away I guess.

They can sleep in the green house and I can have a gift wrapping room and possibly a meditation room in the other. They can have beds on their birthday for a night.

Not a proper bed, I hope. It has to be a camp bed or blow up mattress in the living room or they’ll get spoilt and used to the red carpet treatment.

Just whack a big bubble wrap lined envelope down.

Slip inside - doubles up with a bit of padding underneath and an insulated on top for heat.

Can even be recycled after use to save the trouble of storing bedding that doesn't match the dressing room/nursery and you can rid all trace of her. Out of sight, out of mind!

Beds on their birthdays? They’ll be ruined. A spike was good enough for mine.

There's armchairs that open up and become single beds which can sit in the girls' room and be used by the stepdaughter or there's a thing called a Murphy bed (called that in the states) that can be folded away when not in use and opened and used when needed.

I just hope that when your own daughter visits her father in years to come, she's happy to sleep on the sofa because he's prioritising his new family over her.

Your DSD needs her own space to feel wanted and valued in your branch of her family. If step daughter is only there infrequently versus your kid being there all the time, it seems fair enough however to make the box room her room. You can still work in it.... have a corner of it for your WFH stuff with a foldaway desk/shelf (something like this) and a shelf for your files or whatever. I assume you use a laptop but if it’s a desk top you can still keep the monitor on top of the desk when it’s folded out and the keyboard inside (with the tower on the floor or on another shelf).

DSD can choose how it’s decorated and you can have a dual usage chair in there that you can sit at the desk with or she can use when she’s there. Bingo bongo, she’s got her own room and you’ve still got your office, the only downside for you is that you’re working in a pink room/somewhere with pictures of Harry Styles on the walls or whatever, but it’s a small price to pay for your DSD having her own space in her fathers house.

Yabu. Either baby and dsd share the spare room/dressing room, baby goes in the office or baby goes in your room long term/until you move. My eldest had a specially decorated nursery with a (2nd hand) armchair and a changing mat that matched the cot bedding, but none of my others did, they just went from our room at 9-12 months old (whenever they grew out of the Moses basket) to sharing with siblings. This is the way it is for many families. Unfortunately when you have your first baby with someone who already has a child then you don't get to do some of the "first baby" things like having a dedicated room for the nursery, having your partner staying all day while you're in hospital etc.

@Biffasum11

I don't agree that DSD must have their very own room when she does indeed have her own space at her home with her mum. Double bed will go as spare room will be My babies room. That was always the plan until we move but we don't have plans to in near future. When DSD comes we generally go out , then enjoy family time , having meals together, movie night etc because we don't get to see her very often so infact she spends very little time upstairs.

So if this has always been your plan, what was the point in the post?

Were you feeling slightly guilty and thought you'd come on here for everyone to tell you how thoughtful you were being for worrying about her and that sleeping on the sofa would be fine

*If it’s so infrequent, and really not a big deal, why don’t you and DH sleep on the sofa when she comes and give her your bed?

Does it seem like a bigger deal when it’s you who is getting the shitty end of the stick?*

Omg yes. I can't believe anyone would force their stepchild onto the sofa downstairs rather than give them a tiny bed or even let them have theirs, as you suggest.

Having been the child who was pushed out by 4 new kids in succession, it's horrible to feel unwanted. It seems insignificant but taking away this girls space sends a really bad message and is quite telling

If I met anyone who had a 3 bed and started banging on about dressing rooms I would be laughing inside.

Oh I think we all are. I wonder if the OP has realised most of the working force this year has been doing the best they could with monitors all over kitchen tables, on the beds, improvised conservatories and whatnot… whilst also getting dressed and dealing with small children every day, instead of dreaming of this life where one person monopolises all the bedrooms in the house because they’re more important than any other family member who also lives there.

@Biffasum11

I don't agree that DSD must have their very own room when she does indeed have her own space at her home with her mum. Double bed will go as spare room will be My babies room. That was always the plan until we move but we don't have plans to in near future. When DSD comes we generally go out , then enjoy family time , having meals together, movie night etc because we don't get to see her very often so infact she spends very little time upstairs.

The fact of the matter is, OP, until your own baby is here, it is very difficult to understand what it feels like to be a parent (for some people.) at the moment you are thinking about this incredibly selfishly. Once your baby is born, it will crucify you to think of your child without a bed at their fathers house. Probably missing you, their mother, because two nights a month is not enough time for that child to feel comfortable where they are.

This little girl comes to a house with a man and a woman she barely knows, because how much can she know OP if she stays with her 24 nights a year? In a bedroom that is the guest room. Now she’s going to be relegated to a blow up bed? Does your DP never want to have her for a week in the summer holidays? Four days over Christmas? A long weekend on a bank holiday, even?

I was thinking the same @EileenGC.

But OP had made her mind up before she even wrote this thread. So what exactly was the point of it?

If you're going to move in 2 years then just keep baby in with you!

We have a 3 bed house but box room is now an office due to Covid..

Ended up getting bunk beds for my boys but youngest was over 3 when he was finally evicted from his cot and our room

You definitely don't need a nursery straight away! I co-slept for the first 6 months and breastfed for 18 months so no way was I moving to a different room!

Keep the box room as an office..

The other room can be the kids room.. ask your stepdaughter to keep decorate it! She can choose her bedding etc and then help to decide on some nice accessories for her baby sibling.

Also the way you describe her "my DH had a child with another woman"... your DH has daughter, you have a stepdaughter..your baby has a sister..

@Mammyloveswine OP has already said the room will be redecorated to her taste as it is decorated to her taste at the moment too. The DSD really doesn't feature at all here, not even with her dad it seems.

Definitely do a new nursery… it’s a special ritual for new mums… but I think it’s sensible and realistic if the siblings share the room.

So I can Relate we used to have small 3 bed house. Us in master, SSs bunk beds in small double room and SD single bed in small box room EOW half hols. I
got pregnant (first and only baby) and towards the end I got really depressed I wouldn't get to do up a nursery room ever and dress up a wardrobe with just baby clothes etc. Tbh I think it was all hormones but it was really getting me down so we turned the box room into a nursery decorated it all and my SD got a fold up bed and a large cupboard space as wardrobe when she stayed and the bed was out away when she left so the room was back to baby's nursery.

This lasted about 6 months when I finally realised that my son was spending pretty much every night in my room and the nursery was just a pretty symbolic space that I no longer felt massively attached too. I took down the change table and massive cut and chair and made the room mySDs full time again. Till we moved home a year later.

Bottom live it's fine to feel you need to go through the process if doing a nursery but get a temp bed Especially As she's there so little

I would stop stressing about having a dedicated nursery . My DD2 has only just moved out of our room - she's 2. If you must have a nursery Id have it in the spare room combined with an office area . DSD in box room (cabin bed for more space?) and let her decorate it.