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Original poster

Nursery for new baby, takes away bedroom for DSS

777 replies

Biffasum11 · 10/07/2021 14:50

Hi All,

Just need some advice from those that have maybe been in my shoes. Me and my husband have been married 3 years and are now expecting our first baby together. My husband has a dauggter with another woman who is almost 7. I have been in DSD life since she was two. We live in a three bed semi and saved to buy it. Currently we have our master bedroom , our spare room that is my dressing room/ DSD room when she's here. She's is here once a month for the weekend due to distance. Her mum moved 300 miles away when she was 1 year old. Our third bedroom is a box room and is now an office due to me working from home. We only have a small lounge dinner and very small kitchen so I needed a dedicated work space. Now my baby arrival is fairly soon. I would love a nursery I have always envisioned a lovely space with a rocking chair and a cot with all their little bits. Realistically we do need the spare room space for the baby as our living space would be too small and cluttered to keep everything there. But this would mean DSD has no room at ours and would need to sleep on a blowup bed or on the sofa. I do feel awful but at the same time I would love to have a decorated nursery. We can't move right now as would mean paying large sum for early repayment for our fixed rate. And just makes little sense to throw away thousands and we wouldn't get a four bed for what we could afford once we pay those charges. Plus when it's just us two house size is no issue. Should I feel like I'm just evil ? Husband seems fine to make me a nursery and doesn't seem to have any guilt so should I just enjoy it and not overhthink?

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cabingirl · 10/07/2021 21:16

@Biffasum11

I don't agree that DSD must have their very own room when she does indeed have her own space at her home with her mum. Double bed will go as spare room will be My babies room. That was always the plan until we move but we don't have plans to in near future. When DSD comes we generally go out , then enjoy family time , having meals together, movie night etc because we don't get to see her very often so infact she spends very little time upstairs.
Did you see the photos I shared? How to create a room to suit both a baby and an older sibling?

I would really recommend getting a single bed to put in the children's room - or the very least one of those day beds which can be made up to look like a sofa when she's not there.

You could get some pretty storage boxes to go underneath so that she can keep some books and toys and clothes at your house too.

She's your future baby's sister - don't you want them to have a great relationship as they get older - not one potentially tainted by resentment that they are treated so unequally when in own home at her Dad's house. She may not be there very much but it's still her home too.

Lbnc2021 · 10/07/2021 21:16

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stellaisabella · 10/07/2021 21:18

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wewereliars · 10/07/2021 21:19

Beautiful3 Do you not understand that taking this child's space away and effectively giving it to the new baby is sending a clear and terrible message that the baby is the star of the show and her daddy is really not that bothered about her any more. Does that really need spelling out?

Twelvetimestwo · 10/07/2021 21:20

@wewereliars

Beautiful3 Do you not understand that taking this child's space away and effectively giving it to the new baby is sending a clear and terrible message that the baby is the star of the show and her daddy is really not that bothered about her any more. Does that really need spelling out?
Apparently it does
Cam2020 · 10/07/2021 21:20

I just dont understand how people fail to think through the repurcussions of starting a relationship with someone who already has children.

No experience personally and no axe to grind, I just think it's so sad how the existing children can be pushed out.

NightDreaming · 10/07/2021 21:20

Sorry I haven’t read the full thread, just OPs messages. So if someone has already suggested this I apologise.

Can baby have the box room?

Get rid of double bed in “spare room”. Get a single bed and move your office equipment into the room. If your step daughter only comes one weekend a month I’m assuming you don’t work those weekends so you can spend time with her. Meaning it’s her bedroom the weekend she stays and your office/dressing room the rest of the time.

PinkLilyPinkRose · 10/07/2021 21:21

It might be worth sharing with your baby until you buy your new house. Then you can decorate a bedroom beautifully for your two year old once you know more about their preferences.

DH and I are still sharing with our nearly three year old. TBH at this stage we are looking forward to having a room to ourselves again once our extension is done. However sharing with her has been fine and very pleasant for the most part, she sleeps very well. It has only been over the last month or so that I think she would actually enjoy having her own room with her own toys in, she has not missed out so far. So it is doable.

I am not a step child or step parent but I think it would be wrong to ask DSD to sleep on the sofa or a blow up bed like a not particularly well catered for house guest. I liked the pictures someone shared of the cot under the bunk bed.

tony68 · 10/07/2021 21:21

I feel like the posters adovocating for sd to sleep on a bit of cardboard in the porch are all the same poster.

LIZS · 10/07/2021 21:23

Who is doing the transporting 300 miles each way each month? Seems you may come to resent it more if dh is making the trip even once, when baby is here. How long does she actually get to stay on a visit? Half terms/holidays?

thelegohooverer · 10/07/2021 21:25

Husband seems fine to make me a nursery and doesn't seem to have any guilt this is the man you’re having a baby with.

Eeiliethya · 10/07/2021 21:32

Well, I'm not normally a grump on here but you sound like a fucking dick.

wedswench · 10/07/2021 21:34

@MileyWiley

Master bedroom; second room is office and DSD room; and baby goes in the box room.
Sense
parietal · 10/07/2021 21:41

Keep your office

DSD can share with the baby. Make the room work for both of them.

snowwhit3 · 10/07/2021 21:43

@MileyWiley yip makes perfect sense.
Unfortunately the root of the problem here isn't the space and/or logistics. It's Op and her DH's attitude towards this poor girl. Unfortunately that isn't as easy to solve and is only going to get worse once this baby is arrived and she is pushed even further out of the family

ZoeCM · 10/07/2021 21:45

I can honestly say I've never read a thread on MN where two parents who are still together kick their older child out of his/her bedroom and onto a sofa because they're having a new baby. It only ever seems to happen when the older child is the man's and not the woman's.

kowari · 10/07/2021 21:46

She doesn't need her own room but she does need her own bed and space to put her things when she stays. Get rid of the double bed and buy her a single. Let her choose her own bedding. There should be plenty of room for a single bed, a chest of drawers and a cot considering what the room currently fits.

Vetyveriohohoh · 10/07/2021 21:49

Box room becomes DSD bedroom, then when you go back to work you can add a desk to the nursery, if it currently had double bed and dressing area then there’s plenty space. Or can you get a garden office?

Likewise you can port your mortgage with no early repayment charge.

Your proposal is so unfair on DSD who’s likely to feel unsettled by new baby as it is. She doesn’t need a lot of space but she definitely needs some space that is hers in your home.
Remember she’s just important to your husband as your new baby is to you. Imagine how you’d feel if this was your DC a few years down the line.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 10/07/2021 21:50

God your update reads even worse.

Put your sodding dressing table in your own bedroom.

Get some built in sodding wardrobes.

Do what we all do and compromise for the benefit of your children - you do have two between you both. She is your family too - not just the baby.

This is one of the most depressing threads I've read in a long time. That poor little girl.

I really hope you take a long hard think about this. You've been offered innumerate storage and sleeping suggestions and 'maybe you can fit a small single or a camp bed'. Put your efforts into decorating a lovely SHARED room for both of them. She is your baby's sister after all.

Your husband is a disgrace if he allows this.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 10/07/2021 21:51

@Eeiliethya

Well, I'm not normally a grump on here but you sound like a fucking dick.
This in bloody spaces. This thread has aggravated more than anything I've ever read on here.
PiggyMelon · 10/07/2021 21:52

Yes wouldn't we all like a sodding dressing room!!!

You're coming across as a selfish dick op. DSD having a room with an actual bed in it is more important than you having a separate office and dressing room.

Each child gets their own room. You get dressed and do your make up in your own bloody room like a normal non-princess.

You will have to have an office space in either DSD or baby room.

Unfortunately my office (now full time wfh) is a corner of my bedroom or the sofa depending on the day/circumstances.

PiggyMelon · 10/07/2021 21:54

My master has wardrobe space but isn't adequate for both myself and my partner. I'm not a nudist i work, I go out to meet people, I do activities. Which all require clothing.

Oh yes, the rest of us are nudists that don't require work or home clothes. None of us require clothing. Hmm

Superstar22 · 10/07/2021 21:58

Keep your office.

Baby has the second bedroom which has another bed in for it’s sister who occasionally sleeps in there.

The message that your husbands first child isn’t worth a space in his house is awful. There is a space available & it should be shared between his children. In reality your child will have it to themselves 28 nights out of 30.

CoralSparkles · 10/07/2021 22:02

@Biffasum11

I don't agree that DSD must have their very own room when she does indeed have her own space at her home with her mum. Double bed will go as spare room will be My babies room. That was always the plan until we move but we don't have plans to in near future. When DSD comes we generally go out , then enjoy family time , having meals together, movie night etc because we don't get to see her very often so infact she spends very little time upstairs.
You could use the box room as an office, but it also doubles as a bedroom for Dsd. If you’re not willing to compromise to ensure that Dc are cared for… then you should’ve thought twice before becoming a mother.
OverTheRubicon · 10/07/2021 22:06

@Biffasum11

I don't agree that DSD must have their very own room when she does indeed have her own space at her home with her mum. Double bed will go as spare room will be My babies room. That was always the plan until we move but we don't have plans to in near future. When DSD comes we generally go out , then enjoy family time , having meals together, movie night etc because we don't get to see her very often so infact she spends very little time upstairs.
Maybe she doesn't spend much time upstairs because it's patently not her space? She doesn't need a fully kitted out room in the house, but does need to know that she has a space that is physically hers in her father's, as a representative of the fact that she has a space that is hers in her father's heart.

You're not the baddie here, your DH is - he needs to step up for his DD. However I hope that once you have your own DD, it gives you more empathy and a sense of how you would feel for your own child to be treated that way, and not, as it feels so far, that your baby will exclude their own sister this way.