Nursery for new baby, takes away bedroom for DSS

[Biffasum11]

Hi All,

Just need some advice from those that have maybe been in my shoes. Me and my husband have been married 3 years and are now expecting our first baby together. My husband has a dauggter with another woman who is almost 7. I have been in DSD life since she was two. We live in a three bed semi and saved to buy it. Currently we have our master bedroom , our spare room that is my dressing room/ DSD room when she's here. She's is here once a month for the weekend due to distance. Her mum moved 300 miles away when she was 1 year old. Our third bedroom is a box room and is now an office due to me working from home. We only have a small lounge dinner and very small kitchen so I needed a dedicated work space. Now my baby arrival is fairly soon. I would love a nursery I have always envisioned a lovely space with a rocking chair and a cot with all their little bits. Realistically we do need the spare room space for the baby as our living space would be too small and cluttered to keep everything there. But this would mean DSD has no room at ours and would need to sleep on a blowup bed or on the sofa. I do feel awful but at the same time I would love to have a decorated nursery. We can't move right now as would mean paying large sum for early repayment for our fixed rate. And just makes little sense to throw away thousands and we wouldn't get a four bed for what we could afford once we pay those charges. Plus when it's just us two house size is no issue. Should I feel like I'm just evil ? Husband seems fine to make me a nursery and doesn't seem to have any guilt so should I just enjoy it and not overhthink?

Obviously I've touched a nerve with separated parents who have spilt homes and blended families.

I don't agree that DSD must have their very own room when she does indeed have her own space at her home with her mum. Double bed will go as spare room will be My babies room. That was always the plan until we move but we don't have plans to in near future. When DSD comes we generally go out , then enjoy family time , having meals together, movie night etc because we don't get to see her very often so infact she spends very little time upstairs.

A "camp bed". So much to say about your posts on this thread OP but, actually, it's already been said, and you clearly plan to ignore it all, including the very practical suggestions others have made about how you could make this work without making your husband's daughter feel like she has no place in your home. I hope you and your DH step up.

@MsHedgehog

OP won’t be back. She wanted validation that what she is planning is the right thing to do and she didn’t get that here.

YABU OP, not fair or DSD at all. Would you like it if your husband did the same to your child if you split up?

Totally agree.

But it will be decorated to my taste as the room is already

makes it very clear she has no consideration for her DSD it’s all about the OP and HER baby.

@Beautiful3

So some people think step children deserve their own rooms at both homes, even if it means the baby doesn't?! That makes no sense at all. Everyone has their own room in their main homes. When they visit the second home, they use a blow up bed. As long as you make a fuss of them and show them love and attention, nothing else matters. Most people cannot afford to live in a huge house to allow a bedroom for every child including step children! My niece has to sleep on the sofa bed at her dad's, they love her. But it would be madness to give a residential child's bedroom to a visiting child. Why should a step child get 2 bed rooms?!

Posters arent saying the dsd needs the room to themselves just a fucking bed. The bare minimum. Parents who make the non resident child sleep on sofas and blow up beds are shit parents. You may be ok with men not giving that much of a shit about their children but most people are not.

@Beautiful3

Obviously I've touched a nerve with separated parents who have spilt homes and blended families.

Obviously you’re - no, I’d get banned if I said that - let’s settle for clueless.

YABVVVU

The primary school age child needs a bed.

Unless your plan is to cut her out so you and DH get a unit of three without the complication DSD.

You sound incredibly selfish and awful. Your post about your ‘luxury’ room being magnanimously given over to DSD one weekend a month… honestly you sound just so selfish.

Well why did you ask? Did you want everyone to immediately agree and ask what colour rocking chair you would go for? If you’re happy with it then do it.

You still haven’t answered whether you would be equally happy if, in 6/7 years, it was your daughter sleeping on the couch while a lovely nursery was being painted for the new baby.

@Biffasum11

I don't agree that DSD must have their very own room when she does indeed have her own space at her home with her mum. Double bed will go as spare room will be My babies room. That was always the plan until we move but we don't have plans to in near future. When DSD comes we generally go out , then enjoy family time , having meals together, movie night etc because we don't get to see her very often so infact she spends very little time upstairs.

Just because she has her own room at her mother's doesn't mean she should be second class when she's with her father.

She didn't ask for them to split up and only see her father once a MONTH!

Also, you keep saying 'my' baby. You didn't conceive that child alone, therefore surely it's 'our'.

Also babies sleep with their parents for the first year. And you haven’t had the child yet.

So you wouldn’t be so far off your two year four bedroom house plan.

As opposed to the three bedroom house in which you have ALL THREE bedrooms as yours.

That was always the plan until we move but we don't have plans to in near future you said in 2 years you were going to move.

@Beautiful3

Obviously I've touched a nerve with separated parents who have spilt homes and blended families.

I don't have a blended family I'm just sad that people can be so dismissive when it comes to step-children. And I'm not just talking about this thread, Mumsnet is littered with them. They're seen as an afterthought.

But other people might well be step-parents, speaking from a place of knowledge and experience. Clearly you feel that's something to mock.

When it's too hot to sleep, quite often the children and I sleep downstairs where its cooler, in the living room on duvets. We all sleep just fine. When we camp, we use air beds, they are really comfortable. When we have visitors they sleep on the air beds too. As long as they have somewhere clean and comfortable to sleep it's fine.

As a step mum to a now grown up child, I do understand it’s difficult when you can’t do things the way you want and have to consider the other child in every decision you make but YABVU in this case. Your posts come across as very ‘me, me, me’. You need your office space, you need your wardrobe space, you need your dressing table etc, etc. You can’t just turf yourself DSD out and leave her with nowhere to sleep. You have 2 options really. Lose your office and put your DSD in the or have the 2 children share and decorate the room neutrally so that it is suitable for both children’s’ ages.

When DSD comes we generally go out , then enjoy family time , having meals together, movie night etc

None of that’s going to happen with a new baby. What part of she needs her space are you failing to comprehend?

Are you looking forward to the day your child becomes the step child when your uncaring partner moves on?

Maybe they will be relegated to a lilo in the kitchen. Who cares, they will only be a step child, right?

Your step daughter needs an actual bed, a drawer or two to keep a few things and to feel welcome. She deserves a corner of her dads home that is hers.

@Biffasum11

I don't agree that DSD must have their very own room when she does indeed have her own space at her home with her mum. Double bed will go as spare room will be My babies room. That was always the plan until we move but we don't have plans to in near future. When DSD comes we generally go out , then enjoy family time , having meals together, movie night etc because we don't get to see her very often so infact she spends very little time upstairs.

Anyone who has a dressing room and dreams of a perfect nursery is clearly on Instagram and Pinterest. Maybe spend 5 mins doing a search on small space bedrooms, or spaces that can double up as an office and a bedroom.

@Beautiful3

When it's too hot to sleep, quite often the children and I sleep downstairs where its cooler, in the living room on duvets. We all sleep just fine. When we camp, we use air beds, they are really comfortable. When we have visitors they sleep on the air beds too. As long as they have somewhere clean and comfortable to sleep it's fine.

That's a completely different situation fgs

A child sleeping on a camp bed after a 300 mile journey doesn't sound fair or healthy to me.

@Classica you are entitled to your view just like I am. You're assuming I'm mocking, I am not.

Turn the second double into a room for the children to share. It can have a cot bed and a single bed in it; you'll probably find the single useful when DSD isn't there anyway if your baby is as rubbish a sleeper as mine was.

Use your bedroom for your clothing and dressing table like everyone else does.

Use the box for your office.

We had three children (including DSS) in a two double and box house. There are many many many better options than the ones you're proposing here. Your stepdaughter is getting a new sibling and likely to be feeling very insecure about her place in her dad's life; turfing her out of her room will exacerbate this. It is your job as the adults in the situation to minimise damage; I'm sure she didn't ask for any of it.

You and her dad need to make this young girl feel loved and wanted in midst of a new baby arriving. Gestures matter, it matters how you accommodate your step daughter, the effort you put into her environment. These are things that make her feel wanted and included. It’s a happy event but it’s also bit scary & unknown for the step daughter

[quote Beautiful3]@Classica you are entitled to your view just like I am. You're assuming I'm mocking, I am not.[/quote]
No, you’re not, are you? Which makes all the nonsense you’re posting far worse.

Surely this isn't real?

@Biffasum11

I don't agree that DSD must have their very own room when she does indeed have her own space at her home with her mum. Double bed will go as spare room will be My babies room. That was always the plan until we move but we don't have plans to in near future. When DSD comes we generally go out , then enjoy family time , having meals together, movie night etc because we don't get to see her very often so infact she spends very little time upstairs.

If it's big enough for a double bed, dresser, wardrobes it's big enough for a cot and a standard single! Total non-issue. I really don't know why you'd even think she needed sleep on the sofa. Very odd.