Nursery for new baby, takes away bedroom for DSS

[Biffasum11]

Hi All,

Just need some advice from those that have maybe been in my shoes. Me and my husband have been married 3 years and are now expecting our first baby together. My husband has a dauggter with another woman who is almost 7. I have been in DSD life since she was two. We live in a three bed semi and saved to buy it. Currently we have our master bedroom , our spare room that is my dressing room/ DSD room when she's here. She's is here once a month for the weekend due to distance. Her mum moved 300 miles away when she was 1 year old. Our third bedroom is a box room and is now an office due to me working from home. We only have a small lounge dinner and very small kitchen so I needed a dedicated work space. Now my baby arrival is fairly soon. I would love a nursery I have always envisioned a lovely space with a rocking chair and a cot with all their little bits. Realistically we do need the spare room space for the baby as our living space would be too small and cluttered to keep everything there. But this would mean DSD has no room at ours and would need to sleep on a blowup bed or on the sofa. I do feel awful but at the same time I would love to have a decorated nursery. We can't move right now as would mean paying large sum for early repayment for our fixed rate. And just makes little sense to throw away thousands and we wouldn't get a four bed for what we could afford once we pay those charges. Plus when it's just us two house size is no issue. Should I feel like I'm just evil ? Husband seems fine to make me a nursery and doesn't seem to have any guilt so should I just enjoy it and not overhthink?

Move your 'office'. Do you really need an office? You'll be on mat leave for a period of time. When you go back, covid-permitting you can aim to to back to your actual office. If not, set your laptop up at the kitchen table. I really think you DSD needs her own space. She's not going to disappear over the next few years. She going to get older and need more personal space at her dad's, not less. This little girl is going to be sister to your own child. You need to include her in everything, no matter how far away she lives most of the time. It's not her fault her parents split up. I'm sure her mum and dad created a lovely space for her when she was a little baby. Why shouldn't she be entitled to the same, seven years on?

@Beautiful3

So some people think step children deserve their own rooms at both homes, even if it means the baby doesn't?! That makes no sense at all. Everyone has their own room in their main homes. When they visit the second home, they use a blow up bed. As long as you make a fuss of them and show them love and attention, nothing else matters. Most people cannot afford to live in a huge house to allow a bedroom for every child including step children! My niece has to sleep on the sofa bed at her dad's, they love her. But it would be madness to give a residential child's bedroom to a visiting child. Why should a step child get 2 bed rooms?!

Because unfortunately the step child has the inconvenience of having to life over two houses which is not their fault.

Why does this need explaining.

So you're now planning to turn the dressing room which has a double bed in (and all your clothes and a dressing table...) into a nursery is that right? So why do you need a separate camp bed for dsd? She sleeps in the existing double bed surely?

I'm really confused sorry!

Think it depends if dsd has own room that isn’t used for 3/4 weekends , ie box room, which makes no sense

Or

She shares with your dc once a month

She doesn’t need her own room alone and not used 3/4w

So makes sense you take double bed out of room 2. Add a single and then move furniture about and add your office in there so office day and bedroom night when dsd stays and box room is your child’s room

Or

You keep office in box room and children share, which again means get rid of double bed and get single and cot

Or high rise bed and cot under

Your dd needs her own room without your dresser etc in it

How small is box room. Most fit a cot the. bed in no probs.

Cba to read tft sorry

But I have an office / nursery.

I have a lovely desk, it all blends in, I don’t keep a lot of office stuff, just monitors and laptop etc. Nice chair.

My baby is 18 months and he only sleeps in there, you don’t use the nursery for the first 6 months anyway! Then you can easily have a home office / baby room. Totally doable.

You can’t give a newborn a room when they won’t spend hardly any time in it for the first couple of years of their life and leave another child without a room.

Usually I do find myself on the side of the step parent but this one I can’t agree with sorry. You have to make the compromise here, either move your office to your bedroom or have a shared office nursery then save up to move in next few years.

You have two children so one of those children needs her own room as she’s older .If this was my child I would not be happy if she didn’t have her own space . So you want a lovely nursery for your child ( completely get that ) maybe the daughter would like a lovely little room at her dads? It’s important she has it , I feel even more so when she lives far away and a baby is imminent x

Priority here would be ensuring DSD feels at home and included. I would have baby in with you for the next 8 months (or whatever you decide) but use office / DSDs room as some storage. Then I'd put baby in office room and leave DSD room or swap them. Have no office for 1 year before you move

If you couldn’t provide a room
Then fair enough; plenty of families can’t do that . However with some juggling you can and that’s the point .

Nobody’s saying she should have two bedrooms while her baby sister doesn’t have one. They’re saying she should have a bed rather than her stepmother having a dressing room, office and bedroom while she sleeps on the couch.

And yes, she will have access to two bedrooms while her little sister has only one. She also needs to navigate two families while her little sister only has one. She only sees her father 1 weekend out of every month while her little sister will see him daily.

Honestly can’t believe anyone is defending this op who needs a dressing table for her ‘little bit of luxury’ while her dd apparently doesn’t even need a bed on the one weekend a month her dad even sees her.

@DoucheCanoe as long as she is loved, given attention and welcomed there's nothing wrong with sleeping on a sofa bed when visiting.

@Classica I'm not looking to become a step parent.

[quote Beautiful3]@DoucheCanoe as long as she is loved, given attention and welcomed there's nothing wrong with sleeping on a sofa bed when visiting.[/quote]
So what time would she have to go to bed then? Assuming the parents want to watch tv in the evenings?

@Beautiful3 where would the sofa bed be?

[quote DoucheCanoe]@Beautiful3 where would the sofa bed be?[/quote]
Not even sure it's a sofa bed, rather just a sofa

[quote Beautiful3]@DoucheCanoe as long as she is loved, given attention and welcomed there's nothing wrong with sleeping on a sofa bed when visiting.[/quote]
OP’s not talking about a sofa bed, she’s talking about the sofa - you know, the one in the living room. You haven’t got a clue, have you?

How would you feel if you split up with your husband and it was your baby who was going to stay at his house and that proposed for them?

She’s not really welcomed though, is she? She’s so low on the list of priorities that a desk and a dressing table are above her, not to mention the lovely nursery for the new baby.

The idea that it's so difficult/impossible to figure out how to fit two adults and two kids in a 3 bed house is laughable. Depressing as hell how so many kids of separated parents are treated like a merely tolerated house guest in their supposed second home.

The baby will sleep in your room for the first year most likely. And in a moveable Moses basket/carry cot.
Don't sweat this for until the baby is at least 6 months old.
The lovely nursery idea is an ideal in your head. The reality of having a live baby is something ENTIRELY different.
You might find some other arrangement suits better when the baby comes along. For example your work might change. You won't be working for home for at least 6 months.

This little girl is 7 and did not ask her parents to split up.

OP I think you are in for a very very rude awakening.

If her dad doesn't care that you want to turf his daughter out of her bed, he is giving every appearance of being a selfish shit. While you are both working and you are able to worry about dressing rooms and associated nonsense you will not have really noticed. When you are wrangling a sleepless baby and living in a tip you really really will.

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