Nursery for new baby, takes away bedroom for DSS

[Biffasum11]

Hi All,

Just need some advice from those that have maybe been in my shoes. Me and my husband have been married 3 years and are now expecting our first baby together. My husband has a dauggter with another woman who is almost 7. I have been in DSD life since she was two. We live in a three bed semi and saved to buy it. Currently we have our master bedroom , our spare room that is my dressing room/ DSD room when she's here. She's is here once a month for the weekend due to distance. Her mum moved 300 miles away when she was 1 year old. Our third bedroom is a box room and is now an office due to me working from home. We only have a small lounge dinner and very small kitchen so I needed a dedicated work space. Now my baby arrival is fairly soon. I would love a nursery I have always envisioned a lovely space with a rocking chair and a cot with all their little bits. Realistically we do need the spare room space for the baby as our living space would be too small and cluttered to keep everything there. But this would mean DSD has no room at ours and would need to sleep on a blowup bed or on the sofa. I do feel awful but at the same time I would love to have a decorated nursery. We can't move right now as would mean paying large sum for early repayment for our fixed rate. And just makes little sense to throw away thousands and we wouldn't get a four bed for what we could afford once we pay those charges. Plus when it's just us two house size is no issue. Should I feel like I'm just evil ? Husband seems fine to make me a nursery and doesn't seem to have any guilt so should I just enjoy it and not overhthink?

A camp bed or the sofa? Yeesh. Poor kid.

But hey, at least you'll have your dressing table.

What is your plan for those restless nights when your dc won't settle and your oh needs sleep to go to work next day. You may be grateful to have dsd bed to crash on in a nursery. What about a daybed?

I think the reality of a tiny baby is going to come as a bit of a shock op.

Life will not be like an instagram / pinterest mood board.

I would imagine that a dressing room will fall down your list of priorities.

OP, why don’t you just hold fire? Baby needs to be in with you for at least 6 months (as I said earlier, were 9 months and I don’t think DS will be out of my bed before he’s a year). Things change MASSIVELY when you have a baby. What you think you want now/will work all goes out the window. The idea of cute tie and pretty that just doesn’t even matter, half the time everything’s a tip anyway and you don’t often have time to do make up etc. I would just get the bits you need (don’t buy all sorts, honestly you won’t use half of it) set up the sleeping arrangements in your room and reassess in a few months. Baby will barely spend any time in a nursery, they are usually with you constantly as that is what makes them happy. So unless you want to spend all your time sat in a rocking chair (you won’t, you’ll be bored, knackered and hungry) then just leave off with the nursery for now. When things have settled, do a nice room for both the children that they can share and enjoy.

Make a corner of your bedroom into a nursery space. You really don't need a changing table and a rocking chair. Don't try and shut your stepdaughter out just because her dad is a thoughtless fool.

Do you seriously need a dressing room? I'm gobsmacked at how selfish you are. We all get washed and dressed and some of us put make up on. You don't need the luxury of your own dressing room at the expense of your stepdaughter not having anywhere to call her own.

With respect, it doesn’t seem like you are looking for a solution, just wanting people to tell you it’s ok to displace your husbands child. If you care about how she feels then you need to find a solution that meets both children’s needs.

Master bedroom; second room is office and DSD room; and baby goes in the box room.

OP, how would you feel if you and DH split, he moved in with another woman, had another bay, and kicked your child out of their room, because the wife was selfish about eating a dressing room and an office.

Move your office into your bedroom or create a garden office.
Do not move the child out of a bedroom

The fact that your Husband has 'no guilt' about turfing his Daughter out of her room, should be a massive red flag.

@Kanaloa

What do you mean she brings a bag? Has she no clothes or possessions at your home?

Probably not because, you know, she doesn't live there.

@Kanaloa

What do you mean she brings a bag? Has she no clothes or possessions at your home?

How many growing child have clothes somewhere that they only wear once a month ?

op go and buy her some clothes for when she's at yours. It would be a lovely bonding experience.

You could pack away some of your work clothes short term and condense the dressing room. I fear a dressing table full of make up and wardrobe of smart clothes may suddenly not seem so relevant especially on days when even having a shower is a distant luxury. When is your baby due?

@DingDongThongs

op go and buy her some clothes for when she's at yours. It would be a lovely bonding experience.

This isn't really practical at the rate children of that age grow.

If there's room for a double bed and dressing table in that room then there is room for a single bed and a cot. You might even find it useful at first to have a bed in the baby's room, so you don't need to disturb each other when the baby fusses at night.

Having space to work will be the least of your our problems when your stepdaughter starts acting up because she feels replaced by the new baby.

I can't believe your husband doesn't want his daughter to feel at home in his house. I'd be really regretting my decision to have a child with someone who is prepared to treat his first child like this.

How would you feel if you split and he had another child with someone else and they decided your child could sleep on the sofa so his new wife would have a dressing room and a beautifully decorated nursery that doesn't get used.

I feel so sad for your stepdaughter.

Is this for real?

@Kanaloa

What do you mean she brings a bag? Has she no clothes or possessions at your home?

I honestly don't see the point in keeping three sets of clothes for each season if she is not there at least EOW. Maybe a spare set and a pack of underwear.

Surely you can set the office up as her room and your office if she’s only there one weekend a month, put in a nice day bed so it looks less like a bedroom and also pack your computers (if possible) away when she’s there. Or as someone else said, a high sleeper with your office set up underneath. At the end of the day she may not be there for long periods of time but she needs to still feel like it’s her home too.

What do you mean she brings a bag? Has she no clothes or possessions at your home?

How many growing child have clothes somewhere that they only wear once a month ?

Exactly it’s bonkers that a child who stays there so little would have a wardrobe of clothes than will only be worn once a month.

My children slog to their fathers on an adult hoc basis. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever that they have a set of clothes there.

Even in cases where the child stays there more often, it’s still not the end of the world if items of clothing go back and forth and their main home is where they usually all stay.

@Biffasum11

I can't read all the posts I read the majority

When I say dressing room it's a room that has a double bed, a wardrobe and a dressing table. My master has wardrobe space but isn't adequate for both myself and my partner. I'm not a nudist i work, I go out to meet people, I do activities. Which all require clothing. When DSD comes she brings a bag and I clear out my dressing table for the weekend and just use a makeup bag. 3/4 weekends I have the luxury if using my little dressing table , because again I like to take pride in my appearance. It was my little bit of luxury but was always going to go. So DSD's room always had a duel purpose. Whether it was a guest room or DSD was staying or simply my dressing room. I do feel awful , but my baby is coming with clothes and cribs and matts , I need the space of the spare room. I think a small single can be put in there with a cot. I've seen camper beds or something like that , they look nice and can be put away when she not here . That will work I take that on board. But it will be decorated to my taste as the room is already.

That poor child. Only gets to see her dad two nights a month and now she's being bumped from a room that wasn't even fully hers. Note she doesn't have any room. It's kind of ironic that you said YOU weren't Harry Potter op..... you made that obvious. You have three rooms and your baby will have a nursery that it doesn't even need (but will be decorated for a baby) and your study will be decorated to your tastes too but your step kid may get a folding bed. At least Harry Potter has a space of his own under the stairs. Why not just put a sign on the front door saying she isn't welcome?

You sound incredibly unpleasant, very selfish, self absorbed and self centred. I pity both the kids.

It’s her father’s home. It should be her home too, not somewhere where she’s an inconvenience to be tidied away and forgotten when she isn’t there.

slog to = sleep at

adult hoc = ad hoc

i work, I go out to meet people, I do activities. Which all require clothing.
So do most women, and they manage not to need an overflow room for their clothing.

You need to have your DP go through his clothes and gear. Either your bedroom is the size of a matchbox or you both have far too many clothes.

When DSD comes she brings a bag and I clear out my dressing table for the weekend and just use a makeup bag. 3/4 weekends I have the luxury if using my little dressing table , because again I like to take pride in my appearance. It was my little bit of luxury but was always going to go.
I get my face on in the bathroom, using my makeup bag to hold everything necessary. When I was a sahm I had the same makeup bag. With a baby, you are going to feel lucky to get a shower in to start the day.

So DSD's room always had a duel purpose. Whether it was a guest room or DSD was staying or simply my dressing room. I do feel awful , but my baby is coming with clothes and cribs and matts , I need the space of the spare room.
Babies have one crib, one mattress, and a limited number of clothes they fit into at any given time. You do not need to have a year's supply of clothing, bedding, footwear for a baby. You'll need space for nappies under the crib.
..............

I would buy a single bed with underbed storage for DSD to put her things into. I would put the crib in the same room. You should plan on having the baby in your bedroom until s/he is sleeping through. This might take months.

Please don't buy a foldaway camper bed. That underlines the message to DSD that her father's house isn't her home.

An actual single bed in the current dressing room would be very useful for you when DSD isn't there, for all sorts of baby-related matters.

Please try to involve DSD in the decoration decisions of the room she will use and where her baby half-sister will be sleeping. To insist decorating decisions will be yours and only yours sounds really hostile and non-inclusive.

This is an ideal opportunity to bind the family together and facilitate a positive relationship between the two children, which you seem to be determined to prevent for some reason.

Use the box room for your office and any extra storage needed.

You need to get rid of the double bed, obv.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons. Says it perfectly.

OP, you obviously prioritise being top dog and having the best in life. I can't relate to your view on any level, there is not even a smidgen of reason there. I suppose it's the old chestnut that you and your partner are the family now unit and step-children need to know their place.

Can't you just change your perspective and care about the wellbeing of every individual in this set -up and allow the poor child to consider the house as a home with her daddy.

It surely can't be so important to have all the trimmings for your baby like a child would for a doll. It's horribly materialistic and you must know that the effect of this is to push your stepdaughter down, and overtly demonstrate to her that she is low down the list. That she is an outsider in her dad's life. None of your justifications make any sense. It surely must touch a chord with you that you are actually making other posters feel sad, really sad for your DSD, in the way you express your attitude.

Like what is this arrangement whereby you are going to be working for ten hours a day with a baby-toddler-pre-schooler in the house? A nanny, I guess. Surely easier to rent office space outside the home - you can even rent a room in another person's home these days, for this purpose, at much cheaper rates than in an office complex.