Nursery for new baby, takes away bedroom for DSS

[Biffasum11]

Hi All,

Just need some advice from those that have maybe been in my shoes. Me and my husband have been married 3 years and are now expecting our first baby together. My husband has a dauggter with another woman who is almost 7. I have been in DSD life since she was two. We live in a three bed semi and saved to buy it. Currently we have our master bedroom , our spare room that is my dressing room/ DSD room when she's here. She's is here once a month for the weekend due to distance. Her mum moved 300 miles away when she was 1 year old. Our third bedroom is a box room and is now an office due to me working from home. We only have a small lounge dinner and very small kitchen so I needed a dedicated work space. Now my baby arrival is fairly soon. I would love a nursery I have always envisioned a lovely space with a rocking chair and a cot with all their little bits. Realistically we do need the spare room space for the baby as our living space would be too small and cluttered to keep everything there. But this would mean DSD has no room at ours and would need to sleep on a blowup bed or on the sofa. I do feel awful but at the same time I would love to have a decorated nursery. We can't move right now as would mean paying large sum for early repayment for our fixed rate. And just makes little sense to throw away thousands and we wouldn't get a four bed for what we could afford once we pay those charges. Plus when it's just us two house size is no issue. Should I feel like I'm just evil ? Husband seems fine to make me a nursery and doesn't seem to have any guilt so should I just enjoy it and not overhthink?

I would say you'll need to change your office/box room into a nursery. You can have a lovely nursery set up in a small space, there are some amazing Instagram/Pinterest ideas for it so don't be disheartened about that. I think it would be unfair for your DSD to not have her own space though and may cause some resentment against your new baby rather than the feeling of unity that you want for her.

Have a look at studybed.uk and your DSD can have that in your office

Just seen that you'll need an office for your work definitely. You may need to create a little space in your bedroom if it's big enough? Or you'll have to try manage in the living/dining room

‘My little bit of luxury, my appearance, my dressing table, my taste’. Those are all fine OP, except there’s now TWO small children that need to come first. Why do you refuse to even consider your DSD’s bed being a permanent fixture in the house? She doesn’t need a rollaway if you have space for a normal bed and a cot. Would it be so awful to see her unoccupied bed every morning as you do your make up?

You don’t seem to like the DSD very much, you and your Instagram-like appearance and baby nursery sound more important than her.

The nursery is for you OP not the baby. The baby won't care or even know about decoration. You are putting what you want above the needs and comfort of a small child who only sees her daddy once a month.

Put a single bed in the room with a cot and chest of drawers. You don't need a rocking horse and changing table, just a mat will do.

Typical with posters just biting to have a go, take no notice@Biffasum11as these woman would of been just as excited as you in their first pregnancy wanting a nursery.
I never had a nursery. The baby is usually in with you for the first 6 months to a year. Babies don't need much.

@Biffasum11

I can't read all the posts I read the majority

When I say dressing room it's a room that has a double bed, a wardrobe and a dressing table. My master has wardrobe space but isn't adequate for both myself and my partner. I'm not a nudist i work, I go out to meet people, I do activities. Which all require clothing. When DSD comes she brings a bag and I clear out my dressing table for the weekend and just use a makeup bag. 3/4 weekends I have the luxury if using my little dressing table , because again I like to take pride in my appearance. It was my little bit of luxury but was always going to go. So DSD's room always had a duel purpose. Whether it was a guest room or DSD was staying or simply my dressing room. I do feel awful , but my baby is coming with clothes and cribs and matts , I need the space of the spare room. I think a small single can be put in there with a cot. I've seen camper beds or something like that , they look nice and can be put away when she not here . That will work I take that on board. But it will be decorated to my taste as the room is already.

Do you realise that you did ask for people's thoughts?

Hold fire for now OP. Your baby will be in your room for at least six months so there is no need to make changes. Your husband has two children of equal emotional importance ( hopefully). Babies need hardly anything but children need a bed and a bit of their own space particularly as they get older. Poor DSD barely sees her father and needs to be prioritised with the arrival of more competition for his affections. I totally understand that as DSD is only there for one weekend a month it is hard in a small house to justify a room of her own but parenting is about compromise and doing the best for ones family. She needs the adults in her life to do this.

At least get a proper small single, not a camp bed, but can you really not fit a regular single?

I feel like the update is almost even more bonkers, which is saying something. OP do you realise that you are talking to probably hundreds of women who also: wear clothes; have to share their wardrobe space with their partner; take pride in their appearance, etc? I'd be utterly ashamed of myself if I put my desire for a bloody dressing table above the comfort of a child in my care. Do your makeup in the bathroom and for the love of God, grow up.

I don't think that someone who comes once a month gets to reserve a whole room when the household need the space, but your attitude is very much like you want a gold star star moving your things from to dressing table once a month.
It doesn't sound like you do feel guilty as you seem to justify your desire for a nice nursery with the fact your DH doesn't mind your plans. Unfortunately some men are quick to prioritise their new partners and new children, then wonder why their older children eventually put some distance.

You could have the nursery in the box room and then your office could be in bedroom 2, along with DSD's things. She could help select colours with you and pick a nice day bed, and bedding, but I have a feeling you'll have a problem with that too because it will have to be entirely to your taste

@Biffasum11

I can't read all the posts I read the majority

When I say dressing room it's a room that has a double bed, a wardrobe and a dressing table. My master has wardrobe space but isn't adequate for both myself and my partner. I'm not a nudist i work, I go out to meet people, I do activities. Which all require clothing. When DSD comes she brings a bag and I clear out my dressing table for the weekend and just use a makeup bag. 3/4 weekends I have the luxury if using my little dressing table , because again I like to take pride in my appearance. It was my little bit of luxury but was always going to go. So DSD's room always had a duel purpose. Whether it was a guest room or DSD was staying or simply my dressing room. I do feel awful , but my baby is coming with clothes and cribs and matts , I need the space of the spare room. I think a small single can be put in there with a cot. I've seen camper beds or something like that , they look nice and can be put away when she not here . That will work I take that on board. But it will be decorated to my taste as the room is already.

I actually have no words for this. Shame on you for pushing that little girl out and shame on her father for allowing it. She is the only one of the children who will even be able to tell how it’s decorated. To be 100% clear, this isn’t a room for your child it’s just yet another room for YOU.

Keep the office as it sounds like you need it.

You should have the nursery as a shared space for the baby and step daughter.

As long as she has a bed and a set of drawers that is fine for occasional weekends. You can't leave her like a spare part on the sofa living out of a bag. I wouldn't want to go and stay with that being the situations.

A bed in the nursery will be handy for lying down and settling the baby to sleep before moving to the cot or for night feeds when it isn't being used.

You got with a bloke who already had a child, so I'm afraid you need to let go of certain ideas as there are more important things to consider.

I wonder how the rest of us function without a dressing room? Obviously none of us work or go out or indeed wear clothes

Carry on as you are OP, pretty soon your DSD will get the message.

@LongLiveGoblingKing

L Sorry but why does DSD need her own room? I assume she has her own room at her house, and is only with OP 12 times a year.

Crazy that people think that the people who live in the house and need the space 365 days a year should go without to accommodate DSD.

I say this as a step child who slept on a blow up in the living room and would be mortified of my baby half sister was made to give up her room!
^^^
This.

In our first house 3 beds. Terrace.
2 x dss and new baby shared a bed room altogether- cot and bunk beds. They came EOW.
DD own small room.
Moved to Big 3 bed semi.
DD got bigger room as she was 8 and growing fast and needed the space.
DS small room. He was still quite small.
Nowhere for bunk beds.
In the end we got 2 chair beds which they slept on in the dinning room.
Absolutely no problem.
They shared at a bedroom at their home.
Well happy

As they grew and we moved to a 4 bed we didn't see them as much.
However when DS2 needed us, he came and lived with us at 17 for a year.
Had his own room then.
When DSS 1 was split from long term partner we moved to a bigger house so DSS1, could come live with us , have his own space and Adult DS , Adult DD and adult DSS 2 all had a room :) - if they wanted but Uni took 2 away.
But at the moment once a month on a sofa bed is fine.
You do need a dedicated workspace.
Dsd doesn't live there baby will.
Daft to all squashed up for the 26 days dsd isn't even there.

What do you mean she brings a bag? Has she no clothes or possessions at your home?

Also, at people saying she only stays once a month as if that justifies her having no space - if anything that makes it worse! She barely sees her father and now she’s being pushed out of his life altogether. Him being an extremely part time parent isn’t much of an excuse.

Why can't you put a sofa bed in the nursery so dsd can sleep upstairs in a bedroom.

Your house sounds a similar size to mine. I have a tiny box room which the baby goes in, I think we could just about fit a single bed but we haven't tried that yet. We use one of those change tables that attach on top of the cot and have a folding chair to sit on for feeds (no fancy rocking chair for us!).

My other room has bunk beds for my two sons but in your hypothetical scenario I think I could probably get a single bed and desk in there, so I would use that as the office/DSD's bedroom because you are not likely to be working in it while she visits.

FWIW I work from home and have a folding desk and chair in my bedroom. It's a squeeze but that's life.

The word that highlights you is "my". It's repeated several times...

Share her. Your OH loves her too.

Have a look at How to be a happy stepmum.

You don't seem willing to compromise so I'm not sure why you bothered asking for advice, OP