Nursery for new baby, takes away bedroom for DSS

[Biffasum11]

Hi All,

Just need some advice from those that have maybe been in my shoes. Me and my husband have been married 3 years and are now expecting our first baby together. My husband has a dauggter with another woman who is almost 7. I have been in DSD life since she was two. We live in a three bed semi and saved to buy it. Currently we have our master bedroom , our spare room that is my dressing room/ DSD room when she's here. She's is here once a month for the weekend due to distance. Her mum moved 300 miles away when she was 1 year old. Our third bedroom is a box room and is now an office due to me working from home. We only have a small lounge dinner and very small kitchen so I needed a dedicated work space. Now my baby arrival is fairly soon. I would love a nursery I have always envisioned a lovely space with a rocking chair and a cot with all their little bits. Realistically we do need the spare room space for the baby as our living space would be too small and cluttered to keep everything there. But this would mean DSD has no room at ours and would need to sleep on a blowup bed or on the sofa. I do feel awful but at the same time I would love to have a decorated nursery. We can't move right now as would mean paying large sum for early repayment for our fixed rate. And just makes little sense to throw away thousands and we wouldn't get a four bed for what we could afford once we pay those charges. Plus when it's just us two house size is no issue. Should I feel like I'm just evil ? Husband seems fine to make me a nursery and doesn't seem to have any guilt so should I just enjoy it and not overhthink?

@MouldyPotato

* I imagine OP still wears clothes and maybe goes out once in a while*

It is possibly to wear clothes and go out and NOT have a dressing room!

Is your husband really not bothered? He sounds awful. Poor child with a dad who doesn't give a shit1if she has somewhere to sleep or not.

Maybe if there's space the desk could go in the nursery (that's where my partner has his)? It won't be used during maternity leave anyway, so maybe could be useful in there anyway? Then redecorate the box room for your step daughter? (Sorry if I've missed this suggestion earlier in the thread)

@Biffasum11

Just no way I'm working under a bed that doesn't look like it's adult sized... I'm not Harry Potter. I use three 24inch monitors a pc , a phone and a microphone. I also work 9/10 hours a day. That is for a kid doing their homework!!!

Then use the bigger room as your dressing room and office and give the box room to your DSD with maybe a bit of overflow storage there for your clothes/ stuff

Have the baby in with you until you move in a couple of years or until you build a garden office,. If you go with a garden office you can give each child a room each and store some of your stuff in some overflow storage in one of the rooms.

Google study bed, you can get beds that fold away and turn into a desk. Then once a months you can convert your office back into a bedroom.

I also have a desk with 3 large monitors etc. You could easily put a drop down bed like a bunk above it like they have on boats. When DSD is staying you can drop the bunk down over your desk for her to sleep on with a ladder at one end that she can use to get in and out. When she's not sleeping in it and you need your desk, fold it up flat against the wall. It will be a full sized bunk bed around 2'6 - 3' wide. If your DH can't make one then get a local carpenter to put one up. There will be instructions on the internet if you google. Let her choose the bedding etc and make sure it has a raised edge around it so she doesn't fall out. It would be very mean imho to push her out in favour of the baby which is how it will seem to her.

Split your dressing room stuff - between your own bedroom and the office.

Make the spare bedroom into a nursery / child's room. When your DSD visits while the baby is still up a lot in the night then he/she can go into your room in a bassinet. When they are older they will be able to sleep in the same room easily together.

You would be quite cruel to leave absolutely no space for your DSD at all in your home.

Someone in your position has even made a Pinterest board full of ideas for you:

www.pinterest.com/RandomKenfu/shared-bedrooms-baby-and-older-sibling/

You have 3 bedrooms so the box room is your dressing room/office? Then DSD has a bedroom and you have the master bedroom?

Unfortunately you’re going to have to give up your office or keep the baby in with you until you move.

Step parents like you are the reason step parents get a bad name, it’s all fine until your own kids come along and then the step kids can sleep in a cupboard under the stairs. It isn’t you that’s Harry Potter in this scenario it’s your SD.

All your issues will be solved in around 6 - 12 months when you "D"sd no longer wants to come as she feels pushed out. Might take a bit longer if the bribery is right.

This happend to my eldest child. They are not allowed to keep anything at their Dads house. Not even their gifts he gives them. Not so much as a tooth brush or coat is theirs. Every other weekend has turned to a few hours every other weekend, there was a year of refusal to go at all inbetween.

They did get their very own blow up bed at one point, until it was popped by the sibbling and there was no point replacing as they didn't stay much and it would just happen again.

www.studybed.co.uk/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI56HR9PXY8QIV6ujtCh1XOwWCEAAYAyAAEgKaGPD_BwE

@Challengerice

It is possibly to wear clothes and go out and NOT have a dressing room!

yes but the question was why does OP need a dressing room if they work from home. Working from home has no bearing on the need for a dressing room was my point.

Whether she needs a dressing room at all is a different matter only she can answer honestly. But working from home doesn't affect this.

OP won’t be back. She wanted validation that what she is planning is the right thing to do and she didn’t get that here.

YABU OP, not fair or DSD at all. Would you like it if your husband did the same to your child if you split up?

Or google IKEA norden gateleg table. I have just got one for my desk, when unfolded it is huge and very sturdy. When folded it is only 30 cm long and can be popped in a corner. Maybe teamed with a fold away bed designed for a studio flat, that folds up to the wall when not in use.

@Willwebebuyingnumber11

If you and your husband split and he has more children, would you be happy for your daughter to sleep on a sofa while his new children have lovely bedrooms?

Your answer to this is the answer to your question.

I agree with this.
I only hope that if DH and I ever split up and he meets someone else that our children are treated well in his home.

I don’t have a dressing room or a home office! I can only dream of such things.

I think your DSD having a proper bed in her dads home is far more important than an insta worthy nursery.

@MsHedgehog

OP won’t be back. She wanted validation that what she is planning is the right thing to do and she didn’t get that here.

YABU OP, not fair or DSD at all. Would you like it if your husband did the same to your child if you split up?

Or she will post in 6m time saying that her DSD mum is kicking off because DSD doesnt have a room to stay in.

This happened to me, I'm 35 and still haven't forgotten how it felt

Of course you are being unreasonable!! The children can share a bedroom, the fact you basically have all 3 rooms is surprising in itself. And I would not be having a baby with a man who thought it was acceptable to take away the only thing in the house that his daughter actually has; a bed.

Please don’t make a seven year old sleep on the sofa. It’s not in any way acceptable. This is your step daughter’s home. The fact that she only stays once a month is not her fault.

I was in exactly the same position. I started dating my husband when his daughter was 2 and we married in a year. Before we had got together my husband’s ex partner had moved over 250 miles away and my husband worked shifts, so could only have his daughter every fourth weekend.

She had a room at our house but when she was five we had our own daughter. To make room in our three bedroom house, we had to move our computer and office from our spare bedroom into the dining room. There’s no way my husband would have let his daughter not have her own room and it wouldn’t have occurred to me to suggest it.

Now over 20 years later with the hindsight of being a mother myself I can see that this was absolutely the right thing to do. I would ask yourself to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you would be happy for your young child to sleep on the sofa at your husband’s (should you ever split up).

You do not need a dressing room. Please don’t be selfish and push your stepchild away, making her feel like an unwanted guest in her own home. The decision you make could impact on your future relationship with your step daughter.

A dressing room? Who needs a room to get dressed in?

You have use of all 3 bedrooms, what else is your husband getting out of his home?

Seriously just put a bed in the baby's nursery and they share. If you are 2 years away from buying a 4 bed then DSD will only be 9. She will still be OK to share with a 2 year old at that young age.

Therein lies the problem of wfh too. If it becomes widespread post covid peoples homes just aren't big enough

No its very cruel. I was made to feel I wasn't wanted all my life and never see my mother and stepfather now. They don't even try to pretend they care any more. They just concentrate on their own children.
When my son was little he slept next to me in his cot for three years because a nursery would have meant getting out of bed all the time. If he could see me he self settled.
Have some humanity.
A nursery is not as important as a child's mental health. She should feel she matters.

Why can’t the two children share a nursery together in the spare room? The stepdaughter is still a child as well, after all.

Also, if you’re going to be on maternity leave for ages, you can pack away your office for the mean time, surely?

Sticking a 7 year old on the sofa with a duvet whilst everyone sleeps upstairs in their lovely bedrooms is just plain mean. You have the space to make it work. Use your imagination.

Ideas for the spare bedroom:

Agree @Blondeshavemorefun both too blame,but on balance the girls dad more so. He’s utterly cast his own child aside in favour of new wife,new baby
If I were op I’d take it as a chilling warning or maybe a premonition of how he can easily cast aside his children when the relationship break down

Poor DSD. I Vote doing your nursery and putting a day bed / folding sofa in there for DSD so its a shared bedroom. The baby wont need it for quite a while anyway.