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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

A hypothetical - what do you think?

103 replies

Soysol · 07/07/2021 13:09

If your DP/DH were to pass away, would you be comfortable with having their ex wife attend the funeral?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

parkerpop · 07/07/2021 17:14

For the record I cannot stand DDs dad but I'd support DD.
Tbh I wouldn't cry over his death for personal reasons as there are zero feelings there but seeing my DD completely and utterly devastated at the loss of a parent would make it difficult not to shed a tear for what she is going through (but I couldn't watch a funeral on tv without crying tho!)

Radio4ordie · 07/07/2021 17:17

I would designate a member of DHs family to interact with them, be kind and polite to them (and keep them away from me).
I think most children would want their mum there if they lost there dad so would try to prioritise that over and above my feelings.

HeavenHotel · 07/07/2021 17:22

If my ex died, nothing would keep me away from his funeral. My kids would need me there.

Different if they were adult kids, then they wouldn't need me. But young kids def need their other living parent.

I loathe my ex but expect he'd come to my funeral, to support our kids, and that makes me glad.

It's not about adults it's about the kids. The deceased person's partner will probably move on and get a new partner. The kids will never get a new dad.

MarcelineMissouri · 07/07/2021 17:28

Not a chance! Dh doesn’t like her and would not want her there, and I’m sure vice versa (although they maintain an amicable relationship on the surface) far too much water under the bridge.

If dsd (late teen) felt she needed support from her mums side of the family it would have to be her grandad who always had a reasonable relationship with dh.

StarryNight468 · 07/07/2021 17:52

I would hope that she wouldn't attend. Dh family despise her for what she's done to dh and dss. I also know dss would very much need her so I wouldn't stop her and would invite her. She wouldn't be coming to the wake though.

Another hypothetical question - if dh was on life support and about to be turned off, would you allow ex into the hospital with dc? I know I sound awful but I wouldn't. She could wait outside for dss!

funinthesun19 · 07/07/2021 18:02

If I was grieving then my attention wouldn’t be on the ex wife. I’d have more important people (to me) to be concentrating on like my children.

motogogo · 07/07/2021 18:04

Yes, they were married a long time and split was amicable, I've met her at family events.

Ginqueen456 · 07/07/2021 18:09

It would depend if there was children involved I guess. My mum and step dad came to support me when my nan on my father's side passed away.

Cantthinkofabettername · 07/07/2021 18:23

No, I’d not be comfortable at all and it would be not what my DH would want either as his ex has made life and any contact so difficult for him. If it happened today my DSC would have grandparents there to support them.

I would only attend my exH’s funeral if my children wanted me there - they have no contact with him or his parents (the children’s choice) but I suspect the parents would insist I wasn’t there which would most likely mean that the children wouldn’t attend either.

Cantthinkofabettername · 07/07/2021 18:26

Meant to add, in our situation all children are teenagers.

MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 18:34

Another hypothetical question - if dh was on life support and about to be turned off, would you allow ex into the hospital with dc?

DP says no so I'd respect that

MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 18:35

(I should probably tell him it's for a mumsnet chat)

Bridezillamaybe · 07/07/2021 18:40

I'm really surprised by these replies. I cannot abide his ex, she has spread lies about us, openly tried to break us up, tried to prevent our house purchase and many more... But I still wouldn't consider not allowing her at the funeral. I certainly would not want her there. I just wouldn't feel entitled to stop her.

I would love to. I might reconsider my position.

She turned up at the funeral of his parent's. This parent died in the middle of a lot of strife not involving my partner (we live in another country) other siblings were embroiled in a court case about elder abuse. It was a very stressful environment and we were trying our best to pay our respects peacefully and not get pulled into the drama.

He specifically messaged his ex and asked her not to attend given the trouble she had caused. She ignored his message, got a flight and arrived into the family home and sat in the middle of the immediate family waiting to receive mourners.

TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 07/07/2021 18:42

I wouldn’t want to go. If DD needed support I would take her but I’d wait in the car and expect someone from exh family to look after her during the ceremony.
Similarly, if he was in ICU I would ensure DD got to the hospital to say goodbye but I would not go into the room myself (unless it was to make sure that the plug was definitely pulled).

SilenceOfTheNaans · 07/07/2021 18:42

Depends on circumstances. I would invite DH's ex to stay with us for the duration of her stay.

aSofaNearYou · 07/07/2021 18:45

I think I would expect her to be there to support DSS if it were to happen while he's still young.

Magda72 · 07/07/2021 18:53

It's not about adults it's about the kids. The deceased person's partner will probably move on and get a new partner. The kids will never get a new dad.
This is pretty harsh! Talk about negating a person's devastation at the loss of their partner!

singlehun · 07/07/2021 18:55

If my Dd's dad died I can't really imagine not being at the funeral to support her. And I hope his new wife and the rest of the family would understand that.

RedMarauder · 07/07/2021 19:34

Another hypothetical question - if dh was on life support and about to be turned off, would you allow ex into the hospital with dc?

Easy answer from me - she's not allowed.

Magda72 · 07/07/2021 19:38

As I said upthread I would absolutely go to exh's funeral but I would in no way intrude on his final moments with his family.
As a pp said I'd be on standby to collect/be there for dc after the fact, but that would be all.

Starseeking · 07/07/2021 19:46

My EXDP's EXW would definitely want to attend his funeral, I would expect her to, to support their DS. His EXINLAWs would probably also attend too. When I was with him, I think I would be too wrapped up in grief to ban them. Now we've split, I don't give a monkeys.

Tiredoftattler · 07/07/2021 23:25

I think that it won't matter one iota to the deceased who is at their funeral, and true mourners will be attuned to their grief rather than continuing hatred and animosity to the grave.

I cannot imagine grieving for a loss and at the same time giving even a tinker's dam about which ex attended the funeral. Hopefully, if there is an afterlife, the deceased won't have to stand before his creator with hatred in his heart, and those that he leaves behind won't tarnish the legacy of his life by choosing hatred and venom at his grave site. That would be such a disrespectful way to mourn a loss.

Guavafish · 07/07/2021 23:30

Ha - the ex-wife won’t dear! I’d call the Police

butterfly990 · 08/07/2021 00:20

When my partner died his ex wife and their children came to the funeral.

The way I saw it was who am to judge other people's feelings. My auntie was denied the right to attend her late partner's funeral by his ex-wife and children.

Bootskates · 08/07/2021 00:25

If ex died in the next few years, I would go with my DD. She doesn't see any of his family or his new partner enough for me to think "oh it's ok, such and such will support her" She honestly wouldn't feel comfortable crying on their shoulder so to speak. I certainly wouldn't be weeping or wailing or making a scene though.

I don't think he would bother his arse coming to mine but DD would get a ton of support from my parents/sister/best friend

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