A hypothetical - what do you think?

[Soysol]

If your DP/DH were to pass away, would you be comfortable with having their ex wife attend the funeral?

Nope

Unless they have an amicable relationship and are actually friends not merely tolerant of each other like most separated parents who don't dislike each other, why would the ex turn up?

When my mum died my dad didn't turn up as while they had learnt to be amicable and tolerant of each other they were not friends. There as both my parents attended the funerals of blood relations.

As long as she wasn't there to dance on his grave then it's fine.

My morbid mind was thinking about it, not sure why. If my DH passed, I would absolutely hate for his ex to show up. She's been very HC for the last few years and frankly, is a bit of an arsehole.

I wouldn't want her there at all but then, is it unreasonable to ban someone from paying their respects? What if DSS (9) needed the ex there to support him? How can you say no to that?

My friend died and her ex came to the funeral for their daughter which I thought was was nice cos she needed her dad there. (Not sure how my friend would have reacted but I think she would have put her feelings aside for her daughters sake, she was very unselfish, I still miss her )

It would depend on age and needs of any children they may share. DH Exw attended FIL funeral, he (FIL) was not a fan of hers but she wanted to show respect to her sons GF. I had no issue with it and convinced DH to allow her to attend, would she attend for DH? - I don't think it would be an issue for me, I would have enough going on ...

Not a chance. I’m plenty able to support my DSC and my DC at a funeral if their dad does. He wouldn’t want her there which I’d respect.

I wouldn't want her there at all but then, is it unreasonable to ban someone from paying their respects? What if DSS (9) needed the ex there to support him? How can you say no to that?

If my DP died tomorrow and his ex turned up claiming it was to support her child I would call the police.

Simply because she has been told more than once to stay away from certain people who have more right to attend the funeral than her.

My DP would expect me to protect them and his child with her is aware of some of this.

I would expect her to attend, to support her children through their Dads funeral.

I wouldn’t like it though.

I can’t wait for my ex to drop dead, I’m gonna turn up in a big hat,dark glasses and a cigarette holder.

Yes I assume she will be there with their hopefully adult children.

Would he go to hers do you think OP?

My step sisters (her Mum is married to my Dad) died a few years ago (she was only 22) and not only did my step mum attend the funeral, my Dad did too and so did I. She absolutely needed all of us present to get through the day.

Step Mum and her ex’s relationship was contentious at times over the years, my step sister lived with her Dad from age 10. Despite that, and me being 10 years older, we remain close. In fact I’m closer to her than any of my “full” siblings.

Her Aunt was so grateful that my step sister had such an amazing extended support network on her mother’s side.

So. I guess I’m saying, as gently as possible - it’s not about you.

@Tlollj

I can’t wait for my ex to drop dead, I’m gonna turn up in a big hat,dark glasses and a cigarette holder.

Spat my tea out at this, I’d do exactly the same

Good question @AnneLovesGilbert

If he did, the only reason would be to support DSS through it.

I think i'd probably still feel uncomfortable about that, even though there is a solid reason for doing so. Imagine your DH going to and probably crying at his Ex's funeral.

@Tlollj

I can’t wait for my ex to drop dead, I’m gonna turn up in a big hat,dark glasses and a cigarette holder.

This made me laugh! Its exactly the sort of thing I would do

@Soysol

Good question *@AnneLovesGilbert*

If he did, the only reason would be to support DSS through it.

I think i'd probably still feel uncomfortable about that, even though there is a solid reason for doing so. Imagine your DH going to and probably crying at his Ex's funeral.

I’d be glad I wasn’t married to a robot. Grief is universal and a strange beast. I would be devastated if DDs lost their Dad at the same age my sister did.

Yes, at one point she was an important part of his life and I’d want DSD to have her support. I’d hate if she tried to make herself centre of attention but also all his friends and family would know what the truth was. Suspect she wouldn’t want to come due to the general dislike of her by his friends

Yes. I would want and expect her to attend to help support their shared children in what would be an absolutely horrendous time for them. I would also expect my partner to attend his ex-wife’s funeral if anything happened to her and I would be quite surprised if he didn’t cry.

Staggered that most other people don’t feel the same way, to be honest

@HalfTermHalfTerm

Yes. I would want and expect her to attend to help support their shared children in what would be an absolutely horrendous time for them. I would also expect my partner to attend his ex-wife’s funeral if anything happened to her and I would be quite surprised if he didn’t cry.

Staggered that most other people don’t feel the same way, to be honest

All of this.

My DH went to the funeral of his ex DP, mother of his child. My DSD (now adopted DD) was very young and needed his support, and it never occurred to me to question him going. They’d been separated for a good while before I came along and they didn’t remain friends. But she was the mother of his child and died far too young after a horrible disease, so I’d be surprised if he didn’t cry in those circumstances. I’d probably judge him if he didn’t.

Staggered that most other people don’t feel the same way, to be honest

Are you often staggered to hear opinions which differ from your own?

Well I’m staggered too that there are women who would prevent a child’s mother from coming to support them at their father’s funeral.
Takes all sorts but some sorts are pretty awful.

Pretty sure that if any of us passed, ex, his wife, and I would all attend each other's.

He came to my GM's funeral to support DS and because he respected her.

Only if kids needed her to be there.

You can't actually stop someone going to a funeral unless there are bouncers on the door! there is also the risk of creating a conflict situation if they did turn up that would be hurtful to other mourners such as the deceased children. So it's kind of a moot point really.