A hypothetical - what do you think?

[Soysol]

If your DP/DH were to pass away, would you be comfortable with having their ex wife attend the funeral?

I don’t say this often but what a horrible thread. My DSD’s mother is very high conflict so I understand difficult situations (understatement!) but I think the situation where I would expect a child to attend the funeral if one parent without the support of their other parent.

I don’t say this often but what a horrible thread. My DSD’s mother is very high conflict so I understand difficult situations (understatement!) but I think the situation would have to be the high end of extreme (restraining orders territory) before I would expect a child to attend the funeral of one parent without the support of their other parent.

I'd be upset if my ex's partner told me I couldn't come. She doesn't get exclusivity over his life and death.

This man had a significant part in my life. It is thank to him I had our wonderful children. We have a history that hasn't been erased when we broke up.

I've had no involvement in their life at all. It's not my business, but I would be bemused if she thought I had no right at his funeral. Thankfully, I'm almost certain it wouldn't cross her mind not to invite me.

Staggered that most other people don’t feel the same way, to be honest

The difference between myself and nearly all the other posters is that they haven't been through it as a child of separated parents. I have.

@Nowthisisme and yes that the territory my DP is in.

All depends on relationship & context I think.
I have a fairly amicable relationship with my exh & if anything happened to him I absolutely would go - firstly to support my dc & secondly out of respect as he would have been the father of my children. I'm 100% certain his dw would have no problem with this & I'm also certain that both she & his family would think it very rude & odd if I wouldn't be there. I also know he would do the same for me.
All that being said I would not sit with family & would not impose myself on them.
It's interesting because exdp & I had this conversation before we broke up. Even though we'd been together 6 years I told him I would be the one not to go to his funeral. This may sound odd to people but I was certain that if anything had happened to him his exw would have taken over everything (on behalf of the dc don't you know) & his extended family would have completely facilitated her. No matter what his wishes or what my legal status might have been, I'd have been totally squeezed out & made feel like an outsider & that in my grief I would not have been able to deal with that; that I would say 'goodbye' to him in my own way.

I do agree. I think i'd have to suffer it in order to make sure DSS was supported but jeez, it would be hard. One last SM compromise.

Hers is the last face i'd want to see if I was saying goodbye to DH. All the shit that she's put us through over the years. Difficult one.

I think if DSS was an adult though (years down the line), I wouldn't expect her to attend.

Lots of reasons as to yes or no…

We all adults now and I can safely say my Mum would not be welcome at my Dads funeral (divorced some 25 years ago)

but if we were still very young then it would make sense I think, though my Nan (mums mum) would have probably gone with us for support rather than our mum. Dad still gets on with her (Christmas cards etc)

I reckon my Dad would come back from the Grace if my Mum attended….not the best between them!

No, because they detest each other. If the kids needed support, I would be there as would their grandparents etc. That said, I wouldn't stop her but I don't think she would want to come anyhow.

I would however go to my ex-husband's funeral as we are very amicable.

When my dad died I was 29, I organised his funeral and invited his ex wives and partners and current partner.
Why wouldn't I? My mum was there to support me and my siblings the others were there to pay their respects to me and my siblings and my dad.

My dh doesn't have an ex (we've been together since 1983), but both of our sons have an ex and child.

Should ds2 die, his ex, their child, her younger kids and indeed any member of her extended family would be welcome. Because ds2 has an excellent relationship with her, and she's brilliant.

I wouldn't even tell ds1's ex he had died, and certainly wouldn't give her any details of the funeral.

@AnneLovesGilbert if I think those opinions are actually unnecessarily unpleasant, then yes. But maybe I am expecting too much. We’re talking about (admittedly hypothetical) children who have just lots a parent. I think it would be nasty to not want their mum at the funeral unless there’s a very, very good reason for her not to be there.

Unless there was serious violence involved it would be unreasonable to ban the ex, and doing so would in fact create a lot of conflict which would probably ensure the DSC, who some here claim they would be able to support, had little to do with them in future. Remember, if your partner died, then his children could disappear out of your life as well, so to think that you would be the person they might want to turn to instead of their surviving parent is somewhat unrealistic.

I have very nearly died more than once, and I have no idea whether my ex would have attended my funeral or not. I am fairly certain my ILs would, and I know that none of my family or my DP would ever think to object to my ex being there, even though we no longer have a relationship. We had a child together once, whatever has happened in the interim, we loved each other once, and none of my family are that spiteful.

Horrible thread.

Yes I would and I would expect my ex to be at mine to be honest and I know my dd would want him to be.

I have been in the situation of my dh going to an ex partners funeral and he most certainly cried.

Relationships that end badly aren't always that way and I really couldn't get worked up over it.

Even if I hated his ex I think to be honest when my dh dies I will have more to worry about than if ss mother is there.

Losing a parent is a massive loss and I would no issue with his other parent being there with him and he is an adult.

I don't think it's a horrible thread. I think it's a very interesting one as it's a very real worry for many people.
As I said upthread my exh & I get on but I can fully understand how a high conflict ex turning up at a time when you are grieving would be horrendously difficult and is yet another eg of a sm having to push down all her own feelings for the sake of the sdc.
There is NO way I would have been able to stomach exdp's exw at a time of such intense grief & told exdp that. Given her appalling track record towards me & their dc's attitude to me I would actually have backed off & not attended. I would rather have said goodbye in my own way that suffer through her 'carry on'.

Yes, to support their son.
But I would have plenty to say if she dared act the grieving widow after what she did to him.

Yes - in fact I'd be very shocked if she wasn't. We don't see much of each other now the kids are older (18 and 21) but I can't imagine that she wouldn't come, and her new husband too. We all get on pretty well and they'd want to be there for the children.

I'll ask DP tonight what he wants as it's his funeral.

I would expect her to be there, she’s a bit of a twat and has been over the years but we get on alright now and she is my DSS’s mum, he’d be broken if his dad died.

I would also go to my DH ex wife’s funeral if she passed away , as she’s not a stranger she’s really just an extended part of our family.

Always going to be at family events together, weddings, christenings deaths etc.

(My dss is also now an adult - albeit just an adult)

I'd wonder why she'd want to.

The only time I'd think it was appropriate is of kids were involved and she attended with them

Absolutely yes. They had an entire relationship and DC before I was even on the scene. She would be grieving and need a change to say goodbye too, and the SDC would need their mum. We get on well though. Maybe would be a different story if she was a hell hound that DP also hated but in our situation as it is, I would want her there.

DP says no way does he want her coming to his funeral.

I have no strong feelings on this. Neither of us like her.. but I'm sure she'd like to come along to make sure he's actually dead

Same with my exh.. I'm quite looking forward to his funeral

I think it depends on a few things - are there children involved who won't have close family support otherwise? Will the ex cause trouble? Would your DP want his/her ex there?

I think it depends on the age of the kids. If they want their mum to support them through one of the worst days of their lives it would be a bit selfish to object?

Surely you can't feel threatened by an ex at a funeral of all places?