A hypothetical - what do you think?

[Soysol]

If your DP/DH were to pass away, would you be comfortable with having their ex wife attend the funeral?

I wouldn't go if DD was an adult though unless she asked me to.

It would be very odd not to go and support your DC at the funeral of their other parent. I can’t abide my ex and would rather eat my own head but, I wouldn’t expect my DC to go without me (unless they wanted to) or not attend (unless they wanted to).

Another hypothetical question - if dh was on life support and about to be turned off, would you allow ex into the hospital with dc?
😱 Hadn’t considered this. I’d be so happy to be band by someone else so I didn’t feel compelled to go. I would feel bad for DC but also quite pleased not to have to explain why I don’t want to go and just going with ‘not allowed’.

It is one thing to be so grief stricken that you behave irrationally in the throes of grief, but it is really disturbing that people think ahead and plan to carry vindictiveness and animosity to the grave.

I would imagine many of these people planning to have a do not admit funeral are planning to do it in a church with a minister speaking about God's forgiveness and grace. So much hypocrisy and so little grace.

@Tlollj

I can’t wait for my ex to drop dead, I’m gonna turn up in a big hat,dark glasses and a cigarette holder.

I think I might wear my wedding outfit as well. It's a rather fetching Bianca Jagger-esque white trouser suit, that still fits.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with having her there HOWEVER I appreciate that the SC would understandably be distraught at their Father passing away and I fully appreciate that they would need / want their mum with them for support.
DH would probably come back and haunt me for letting her attend though.

Yes, but I'm Irish and even friends of friends would attend a funeral.

@Tiredoftattler if I allowed my DP to have a religious burial he said he would come back to haunt me.

And yes I mentioned this thread to him and he confirmed what I've already posted. (In fact he's gone to check his paperwork.)

I've actually met a handful of separated parents over the years who detested each other so much they have made it clear to their children from when they were teenagers to keep their other parent away from them in all circumstances. These parents have no communicate with each other at all.

I would expect any children's wishes (depending on age) to be paramount and for any new partner to respect that.

Having said that my DC probably wouldn't want to go themselves so unlikely I'd be in this position.

My mum attended my dad’s funeral despite them splitting up when I was 1 and she and my stepmum did not necessarily like each other much. But I was 10 years old and needed my only parent there to support me. I think it very much depends on the age of the children and if they need the support of a parent there.

My exp and his EXW had (and continue to have) a very high conflict relationship.

Despite that, as many others have said. I would view the priority as who his children would need. I would have my own support network to support me, and I would not expect to be the one to give comfort to his children. They would want (and need) their parent who is still alive. Her being there would have no impact on my day.

I wouldn't attend my exs funeral, we are civil but pretty much strangers now. We haven't been together for over 12 years and I've been with my husband 11 years. Not sure if he would attend mine I rather he didn't ,we were only together 2 years and he cheated the only thing we had was ds he's very much a stranger to me.

I've just remembered this. We were late for my mother's funeral because my step mum laddered her tights (and hadn't thought ahead to get a spare pair in advance). I was 15 at the time.

We went to two corner shops after my dad tried to persuade her to ignore her own ego, but both shops didn't have "the shade" of black that she needed.

We arrived at the crematorium after the coffin had gone in and all of my mums family had taken the front rows on both sides. I think k we sat 3 rows back from the front.

Looking back on it I can't believe the audacity of the woman but she was extreme on all levels. She genuinely was an evil step mother.

@Dollyparton3

I've just remembered this. We were late for my mother's funeral because my step mum laddered her tights (and hadn't thought ahead to get a spare pair in advance). I was 15 at the time.

We went to two corner shops after my dad tried to persuade her to ignore her own ego, but both shops didn't have "the shade" of black that she needed.

We arrived at the crematorium after the coffin had gone in and all of my mums family had taken the front rows on both sides. I think k we sat 3 rows back from the front.

Looking back on it I can't believe the audacity of the woman but she was extreme on all levels. She genuinely was an evil step mother.

That's awful. I'm so sorry. And your dad should have left her to it and taken you himself.

@Dollyparton3 that is truly awful - you poor thing. I have no words for that but sending sympathy

Yes. I'd be comfortable with that and i'd want my ex at mine too. With my partner i'd say it was because She was his wife for many years and a huge part of his life and is the mother of his children-through that they are uniquely bonded forever and she will be affected by his death. Also her being there if she wanted would not change my own grief or experience and i believe in being kind.

@Dollyparton3 how awful.

Of course the children's actual parent should be there to support them if they've lost one parent.

How can anyone think of denying another human this?

What a mad question.

Thanks everyone. Looking back on it now I can't believe that it happened (but sadly it did) there's a lot that goes on in your childhood that you don't question at the time but now you do massively.

I'm don't speak to my father now either and am part of the stately homes chat from time to time

@cauliflowerkorma

Yes. I'd be comfortable with that and i'd want my ex at mine too. With my partner i'd say it was because She was his wife for many years and a huge part of his life and is the mother of his children-through that they are uniquely bonded forever and she will be affected by his death. Also her being there if she wanted would not change my own grief or experience and i believe in being kind.

Well... fair enough, I assume this was a very amicable split, but I definitely wouldn't be wanting his ex there on the basis that they are "uniquely bonded forever"! Uniquely bonded in that being with her made him really miserable, yes.

I would want her there to look after DSS, though!

I'd have no problem with it at all. She loved him once and is the mother of his child.

And I'd certainly turn up at my ex's funeral too.

If DH died now, his ex might come for the children as they are teens. I can't imagine she'd want to come of her own accord but you never know.
If it was in 30 years time I'd hope she'd only come if the children asked.
In either situation I wouldn't really want her there but wouldn't actively stop her from attending.
However, she's an odd woman and it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't come even if she was asked.

I’d expect that someone who had shared children with the deceased would attend a funeral unless there was a really compelling reason not to (like a violently abusive relationship or something). I don’t mean expect as in I think they should or shouldn’t, it’s up to them, I’d just assume that most people would want to attend their child’s other parent’s funeral.

Also, I’m not sure if I think that a spouse is the ‘host’ of a funeral to be deciding who’s welcome and who isn’t. I don’t really view funerals like that. I think people might have all sorts of complicated reasons to attend a funeral and that working through feelings about someone and their effect on your life, good or bad or both, is part of the reason why we have them as a ritual. I wouldn’t feel it was my right even as a wife to deny anyone that - his life and imprint on the world is bigger than just me. Goes without saying that everyone should behave impeccably on the day, though.

@MiddleParking your answer was so perfect it killed the thread!