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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Why does everything feel better when they aren't here?

114 replies

MochaChocc · 29/06/2021 11:06

Does anyone else find this?

Me and DH just seem to get on better when they aren't here, not that we argue or anything when DSC are here, we don't. But just generally.

When it's just us and our DC things just seem smoother, less chaotic, I feel I have a better sense of where I fit into our family.

My DSC aren't bad children at all but I'd be lying if I were to say I didn't prefer the way our life is when they aren't with us. To go from being me, DH and small DC to having two older children in the house too, it just feels like a completely different house and family.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Londonlassy · 29/06/2021 11:08

This isn’t going to end well.

MattyGroves · 29/06/2021 11:13

It's always going to be less chaotic with 2 kids than 4 and without the more complicated step parent dynamic.

Seems kind of obvious?

Lweji · 29/06/2021 11:14

Because it is a different family. The dynamics will be different. You'll find the same when your children start moving out and then return home for periods.

The thing is, it doesn't have to be worse.

I get the feeling that you feel less in the centre of the family when they are there. Because there will be more attention on them, as everyone has to adjust in some way.
Think of them as well, though. They have to leave their main home and insert themselves in a different family dynamic. The change is even greater for them than it is for you.

My advice is to make their stays as enjoyable as possible for you and for them. Perhaps try to relate to them a bit more, so that you know where you fit in.

Lweji · 29/06/2021 11:15

How old are they? How often do they stay, and for how long?

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/06/2021 11:17

More children, especially if there’s a big range of ages, is inevitably more work, more mess, more noise.

When it’s just you and yours you’re a full parent with an equal say in rules and plans. When his are also there you might not.

Sounds normal and nothing to worry about.

And no reason “this won’t end well”

Fellow step parents will be able to empathise with you.

Ozanj · 29/06/2021 11:17

I guess it’s normal for you to feel this way. They aren’t your kids so you can’t truly be yourself when they’re around.

Original poster

MochaChocc · 29/06/2021 11:19

@Londonlassy

This isn’t going to end well.

Why? Am I not allowed to have my own thoughts and feelings about things? I'm not a robot.

OP posts:

Original poster

MochaChocc · 29/06/2021 11:20

@Lweji

How old are they? How often do they stay, and for how long?

10 and 12. They are here 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

OP posts:

Original poster

MochaChocc · 29/06/2021 11:22

@Lweji

Because it is a different family. The dynamics will be different. You'll find the same when your children start moving out and then return home for periods.

The thing is, it doesn't have to be worse.

My advice is to make their stays as enjoyable as possible for you and for them. Perhaps try to relate to them a bit more, so that you know where you fit in.

We do get on, always have. Very well really.

But, no matter how enjoyable I tried to make their stays (and they are), I don't see how it would ever feel as good as the other times for me personally.

OP posts:

HelenHywater · 29/06/2021 11:29

Well they're not your kids. And of course the dynamic changes the more relationships there are to deal with - I feel the same when my older children come back from university.

But I assume your H doesn't feel the same way.

And as the resident parent, this makes me feel really sad. (My ex'es partner doesn't even allow his children in her/their house so she has taken this to extremes)

lunar1 · 29/06/2021 11:30

It's natural, it's probably also easier for your husband and children when you aren't there as well. They can just get on with things their dads way and not compromise with a step parent around.

You need to decide if everything your husband comes with is worth it.

PurpleyBlue · 29/06/2021 11:33

Oh I think this is perfectly normal. It's two extra people so it's going to change the dynamic. In the same way having another full sibling would. Only the dynamic changes every week so it's tough to get used to. I much prefer the weekends when my DSC aren't here but not because of them but because they are simpler less busy weekends where we get a chance to relax. It's one of the benefits of having a step family, you get the weekends without them to relax a bit. With your own children there's no "time off" as such.

Lweji · 29/06/2021 11:36

I did find it easier as well when DS spent time with his grandparents.
It just comes with having (more) children around.
You might have felt the same if your children had to spend time away every week, although the difference would be that you'd miss them as well.

Do you feel you have a say in the family dynamics when they are there, or do you feel pushed aside? Even if they are not your children, it is still your home and your family.

Bibidy · 29/06/2021 11:38

But, no matter how enjoyable I tried to make their stays (and they are), I don't see how it would ever feel as good as the other times for me personally.

Well...it won't, will it? They're not your kids so you're not going to relax in the same way when they're around, particularly when you've got time when they're not around to compare it to.

Personally I think it's just common sense that you'd prefer the time when you don't have 2 additional kids living with you, that aren't yours.

aSofaNearYou · 29/06/2021 11:41

Perfectly normal. Would you enjoy yourself just as much if your PIL were there 50:50? They aren't your kids, there's no reason for you to WANT to centre your time around them, so naturally it will feel less enjoyable. You don't need to worry about that, you just need to ask yourself whether you actually DISlike them being there enough to want out, or just don't like it as much.

Original poster

MochaChocc · 29/06/2021 11:42

And as the resident parent, this makes me feel really sad. (My ex'es partner doesn't even allow his children in her/their house so she has taken this to extremes)

I wouldn't do this obviously.

the difference would be that you'd miss them as well

Yes, I don't miss them at all when they aren't here.

Do you feel you have a say in the family dynamics when they are there, or do you feel pushed aside? Even if they are not your children, it is still your home and your family

This is the thing because I do still feel like I have a say. DH has always been very good with that, making me feel like it's still my home so I should still have a say in things.

I don't know exactly why I feel this way. I guess as everyone says it's just simpler. We have less to think about and do.

The biggest thing to me is a genuinely prefer our marriage when they aren't here. We just seem to click more, get on better, talk more, laugh more etc... Again though I guess it's just because it's less busy.

OP posts:

PurpleyBlue · 29/06/2021 12:06

We just seem to click more, get on better, talk more, laugh more etc... Again though I guess it's just because it's less busy. yeah it will be less busy when they are not there and when they are there my OH goes into dad mode as I don't do any of the cooking etc when his kids are here so his focus is on all that.

PurpleyBlue · 29/06/2021 12:09

Yes, I don't miss them at all when they aren't here. perfectly normal, they aren't your children so you don't have the same attachment your DP has.

Youseethethingis · 29/06/2021 12:11

I find this. Always happy to see DSD, always happy to wave her off again. Don't miss her in between times.
I think it's hard for everyone involved, adjusting all the time. The child, the parents, the step parents.
There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that.

UhtredRagnarson · 29/06/2021 12:11

It’s natural. They aren’t your children. As much as everyone likes to kid themselves on MN having children that aren’t yours in your home is never going to feel as relaxed as when they aren’t there. It’s like having house guests. (Yes, yes, I know it’s their home too but from OPs perspective they’re not permanent residents.)

UhtredRagnarson · 29/06/2021 12:13

I have lots of people in my life who I love and look forward to seeing but I don’t miss them when they aren’t here. That’s perfectly normal.

Tiredoftattler · 29/06/2021 12:15

OP, there is nothing wrong with things feeling better for you when there are just the 3 of you in the house . You husband may experience a feeling of incompleteness when it is just the 3 of you in the house. The teenagers may like you feel that things are better when it is just them and their dad alone together.

We all have different feelings of good vs better and those feelings are valid feelings for each of us. Generally we only experience problems when or if we cannot accept the fact that it is ok if others do not share our same feelings.

motogogo · 29/06/2021 12:28

I like it when dp's dd is with us, she's good fun and more chatty than my dd. Ours are older, university aged, but she's with us for the summer not her mums because she prefers ours!

pollypersephone · 29/06/2021 12:49

It's normal but over time you might find you do become more attached to them. Now that my stepkids are older teens things are mush easier and I have a genuine friendship with them. When they were little and we had 4 in total I did not feel this way!

StarryNight468 · 29/06/2021 13:25

I have it the other way as my dc are older and dss is younger. It's hard going back to thinking about small dc and not being able to watch things that my dc would want to watch with us as they're not age appropriate. My dc don't require masses of attention and looking after either.

I think it's always going to be hard and it's finding ways to cope through it.

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