Why does everything feel better when they aren't here?

[MochaChocc]

Does anyone else find this?

Me and DH just seem to get on better when they aren't here, not that we argue or anything when DSC are here, we don't. But just generally.

When it's just us and our DC things just seem smoother, less chaotic, I feel I have a better sense of where I fit into our family.

My DSC aren't bad children at all but I'd be lying if I were to say I didn't prefer the way our life is when they aren't with us. To go from being me, DH and small DC to having two older children in the house too, it just feels like a completely different house and family.

Speak for yourself FishyFriday, I had to spend 100% of my time with a stepdad who couldn't wait to get rid.

I know of what I speak.

My OH isn't resentful but it's always a big deal like, oh I'm going to cook this for dinner, ooh look I've cooked this isn't it nice, let's use the nice plates. Etc. Then he gets funny when the kids leave it 🤣

I'd say it's not that they are not wanted but more of an indifference for me and a bit of "oh I hope it isn't like last time when they just spent the time bickering". I hope that isn't upsetting to them but I can't imagine myself ever getting excited that they are due to be here.

@KarenofSparta

Speak for yourself FishyFriday, I had to spend 100% of my time with a stepdad who couldn't wait to get rid.

I know of what I speak.

But you don't know that it applies to any other step parents who happen to prefer time when their NR or 50:50 step children are elsewhere. That would be called projecting.

Yep - 11 years in and still of the opinion that life is better when it’s just me, DH and our two children.

When the SC are here DH turns into a complete Disney Dad and the house is chaotic. When they’re not here, DH is chilled, we get on much better, the house is calm and reasonably tidy, we don’t have to go food shopping EVERY DAY and I feel like I have an equal say in things.

@KarenofSparta

Speak for yourself FishyFriday, I had to spend 100% of my time with a stepdad who couldn't wait to get rid.

I know of what I speak.

I'm going to suggest that you know how you as a child felt. You probably had no idea about what was going on in your mum's marriage or why he was behaving in a way that made you feel that way. Or he might have been an arsehole.

In any case, it doesn't mean that SP's should never be able to talk about the sacrifices, the frustrations and the difficulties of their experience of being a SM. Projecting your feelings about your stepdad on to them doesn't help.

There is no reason to assume that the children feel unwanted at dad's. Even if the SM is happier when they're not there because life is just easier.

@PurpleyBlue

My OH isn't resentful but it's always a big deal like, oh I'm going to cook this for dinner, ooh look I've cooked this isn't it nice, let's use the nice plates. Etc. Then he gets funny when the kids leave it 🤣

Well it's probably good for him to feel that disappointment. 😂

Getting out the good plates is definitely royal visit territory.

And another one!

FishyFriday yeah that or he has too high an opinion of his cooking.

@PurpleyBlue

I'd say it's not that they are not wanted but more of an indifference for me and a bit of "oh I hope it isn't like last time when they just spent the time bickering". I hope that isn't upsetting to them but I can't imagine myself ever getting excited that they are due to be here.

To a certain extent though, it might be good for children to realise that people don't enjoy their company if they bicker all weekend.

That's not to say they should feel unwelcome as people. But I'm not sure that feeling that people dislike their behaviour is necessarily a terrible thing.

As a child I was well aware that my parents did not like it if I bickered with my sister. They were clear about that. And there were consequences. So we bickered much less than we would have, and kept our parents out of it when we did. We didn't decide they didn't love it want us because they didn't like our behaviour.

The problem becomes a stupid stepfamily dynamic where dad doesn't just parent the bickering and SM becomes vilified for not delighting in it. Rather than everyone admitting that actually no one likes a house full of fighting children, you get a weird situation where the parent is actually perpetuating the behaviour and ensuring their partner will not enjoy the bloody weekend of bickering.

@PurpleyBlue

FishyFriday yeah that or he has too high an opinion of his cooking.

😂

Maybe he should get more practice. Or at least treat you to his amazing cooking on the nice plates.

To a certain extent though, it might be good for children to realise that people don't enjoy their company if they bicker all weekend. That's not to say they should feel unwelcome as people. But I'm not sure that feeling that people dislike their behaviour is necessarily a terrible thing. As a child I was well aware that my parents did not like it if I bickered with my sister. They were clear about that. And there were consequences. So we bickered much less than we would have, and kept our parents out of it when we did. We didn't decide they didn't love it want us because they didn't like our behaviour. The problem becomes a stupid stepfamily dynamic where dad doesn't just parent the bickering and SM becomes vilified for not delighting in it. Rather than everyone admitting that actually no one likes a house full of fighting children, you get a weird situation where the parent is actually perpetuating the behaviour and ensuring their partner will not enjoy the bloody weekend of bickering.

So bloody well said 👏

@KarenofSparta I had an awful stepdad and an awful stepmum. I went into my marriage wanting to be an amazing stepmum and felt like dss was a much wanted part of my family. Dh changed completely after we married, well he was always a bit soft, but marriage made his guilt parenting come out. Dss dm ramped up her toxic and abusive behaviour and dss experiences loyalty binds - so he can't be happy to see me ect as he feels he's betraying his dm, plus he's now learnt that as dad feels guilty he gets more. He's a very hurt and confused little boy and there isn't anything I can do about it. The more nice I am the more his attitude stinks, when I back off I get frustrated at dhs lack of actual parenting and it's just not a nice environment to live in. Mix in my two dc who's good behaviour triggers something in dh who the projects on to me, steparenting is hard. My life would be 100x better if dh didn't get a crazy person pregnant by accident years before we met. However, he is my 'one' and we will get through these times as his good outweighs his bad and hopefully in time dss dm will stop putting awful things into his head like - your dad doesn't love you anymore now he loves starry ect and it will settle down and dss will turn into a happy family member that doesn't ruin my weekends. I know that sounds very harsh but its the truth, he does ruin a lot of our days out with his behaviour. I know behaviour is communication and he's obviously not happy, but as I'm not his actual parent I am helpless to do anything about it!

Stepmothers tend to be the ones that get the blame when a majority of the issues are down to the parenting (or lack of!), the red carpet gets rolled out and the SC believe that they are entitled to be treated like visiting royalty rather than another member of the family.

If DH and his ex had just cracked on with parenting their children together in a joint approach then we wouldn’t have the issues we have today and everyone’s lives would be more pleasant.

As it stands our situation won’t improve until they’re adults and spend a significantly less amount of time here. It’s harsh to say it but it’s true.

It doesn't have to be sad though, I think. It's ok for them to feel that mum's is 'home' and dad's is a nice place to visit regularly. That doesn't mean dad doesn't love them. Or that they're unwanted in dad's house. Just that it's not 'home'.

I think it's actually the adults who struggle with this more than the children. For all the separated parents throwing 'it's their home' around to try to achieve various ends, it doesn't matter so long as the children are able to have an ongoing relationship with both their parents.

Yes I agree with this.

My SC's are always welcomed into our flat or their GP's house but they naturally don't consider it home since they spend 90% of their time living in their mum's house. They have all their stuff there, it's near their school....it's just their home!

But they still love DP and their time with him. They don't feel unwanted just because they know it's dad's/GP's home and not theirs usually.

I agree with the home thing actually. I was a step child myself and obviously had separated parents and I always considered my Dad's house home, not my mum's. It wasn't a problem and it wasn't upsetting. It's just my dad's was home, I still think of it as my childhood home now and I'll be sad in a way I wouldn't be with my mum's if he ever sold it!

To be fair, it is always going to be hard to see kids who are there every other weekend as actual residents of a house.

@FishyFriday Of course, but that was not the point the poster you were responding to was making. You’ve twisted it to suit your agenda. The PP was making the point that in the OP’s case it’s the DC’s home as they are there 50% of the time. Very different scenario to EOW.

As a child of divorced parents, I felt at home at both my parents despite moving home many times.

That's because both ensured that I did. I had my own room at both, decorated as I liked, with my own stuff.

When I got older, my room at my dad was also a spare room, and my bed was a sofa bed but I didn't mind. It was still 'my' room when I was there, where I could do what I wanted without being disturbed. That made it home.

@DuchessDarty

To be fair, it is always going to be hard to see kids who are there every other weekend as actual residents of a house.

@FishyFriday Of course, but that was not the point the poster you were responding to was making. You’ve twisted it to suit your agenda. The PP was making the point that in the OP’s case it’s the DC’s home as they are there 50% of the time. Very different scenario to EOW.

Hmm it is, but it's still sort of the same.

As long as there is time without the children living there then the time they do spend there will be geared around them in a way that it wouldn't be if they were full-time residents. Even 50% doesn't change this really.

Perfectly normal. Which is why "blended families" are generally a terrible idea all round.

@vivainsomnia

As a child of divorced parents, I felt at home at both my parents despite moving home many times.

That's because both ensured that I did. I had my own room at both, decorated as I liked, with my own stuff.

When I got older, my room at my dad was also a spare room, and my bed was a sofa bed but I didn't mind. It was still 'my' room when I was there, where I could do what I wanted without being disturbed. That made it home.

It must depend on the child. As I say I never felt my mum's was home in the same way my dad's was. I had my own room at both, I was loved and cared for at both, I never felt unwanted or unwelcomed in either and honestly I absolutely love my step dad.

But my Dad's was still my proper home and still is, in my mind. And I was and am fine with that.

You just have to make the best of things as thry are. The children didn't choose to be part of a step family. You need to put your personal preferences aside in this case.

I think people are completely mad to get involved with a partner who has young children. There are plenty of singles out there with no children.

@Viviennemary

You just have to make the best of things as thry are. The children didn't choose to be part of a step family. You need to put your personal preferences aside in this case.

This is what OP is doing, in fairness. She is only expressing her private opinion here, not telling the children or trying to reduce time spent with them.

@DuchessDarty

To be fair, it is always going to be hard to see kids who are there every other weekend as actual residents of a house.

@FishyFriday Of course, but that was not the point the poster you were responding to was making. You’ve twisted it to suit your agenda. The PP was making the point that in the OP’s case it’s the DC’s home as they are there 50% of the time. Very different scenario to EOW.

The PPs (several) were doing the usual 'it their home; how dare you have any feelings that aren't delight' thing which somehow ignores the fact that it is the SM's home too. 100% of the time and she probably pays for it.

It's still going to be hard having children only there 50% of the time who may have a very different kind of home the rest of the time. And who may have a father who seems to become a different person the second they walk through the door.

Obviously the 50% of non contact time will feel more relaxed.

In fact, it may be more frustrating that you aren't able to deal with behaviours when they're at your house half the time. You can sort of see that it's a lost cause in various ways at EOW. But you'd hope to move past rejecting every single meal you cook or whatever if they are there so often. Because it is very often still other people's who you can't really treat as if they were your own (because neither they nor their parents really want that) who are living in your house half the time. That's not easy.

And it may be irresolvable for the simple reason that they are not your children. Even if they're living in your house 100% of the time.