Why does everything feel better when they aren't here?

[MochaChocc]

Does anyone else find this?

Me and DH just seem to get on better when they aren't here, not that we argue or anything when DSC are here, we don't. But just generally.

When it's just us and our DC things just seem smoother, less chaotic, I feel I have a better sense of where I fit into our family.

My DSC aren't bad children at all but I'd be lying if I were to say I didn't prefer the way our life is when they aren't with us. To go from being me, DH and small DC to having two older children in the house too, it just feels like a completely different house and family.

@PurpleyBlue

I'd never expect anyone other than me to actively prefer time spent with my daughter.

I agree, you often here of stepparents being told off for trying to replace mum/dad if they do enjoy time with their DSC but if they don't then it's also somehow wrong.

I don't think it's wrong, I think it's perfectly understandable.

But as a pp says, their father's home is meant to be their home too particularly if they spend 50% of the time there. so it's an impossible situation because it's the kids' home, their dad wants them there, but the step mother is happier/more relaxed when they aren't there.

I really do think (and this applies equally to the resident mothers I think) that it's generally better for the kids if their parents don't re-marry.

If my DSC's dad hadn't got married they'd be living in a tiny cramped flat and unable to afford the extras their mum keeps asking for. So I think it was better for them.

@HelenHywater But it is their home regardless of whether their SM has the natural private feeling of preferring time when they aren't there. It's not the dramatic, confrontational thing you think it is.

Maybe the NR fathers could step up and actually parent their children so that the contact stays are nicer for everyone. And lose the weird defensive chips on their shoulders that seem to prevent them from acknowledging that the behaviour their parenting produces is problematic.

As always people are blaming stepparents (stepmother's in particular) and telling us all to pity the poor children. Why not direct this crap at the parents instead?

I have a friend who is a very happy SM. Her husband does not Disney dad around and the kids are parented robustly in both their homes. She doesn't end up tiptoeing around on eggshells and scapegoated for everything she does. That's only possible because her husband is actively trying to make it all work for everyone. And it helps a lot that just ex is a perfectly sensible woman.

Yes there's are niggles and all the usual stresses in a large family (and it is a large family). But it's possible for her to enjoy the time with her SC because they just come in and join in with the family as a whole.

And still, both her and her husband will tell you that sometimes they prefer it when there are fewer children in the house. No one is trying to make it an evil stepparent/poor children narrative. Instead they can just say: 'it's so much easier with an empty house, isn't it?' and no one gets weird and defensive.

And let's stop imagining that stepmothers are simply useless and can't deal with reminders that their husbands used to shag someone else. Because that is rarely the issue. Being pissed off because your husband insists you cook 3 meals to accommodate his fussy 12 year old and then allows that 12 year old to be rude to you about your efforts (or any of the things that regularly happen in blended families) absolutely nothing to do with his sex life 13 years ago. It's all about his lack of support and failure to parent his child (to the child's detriment) in the present.

Dont see anyone blaming the step parents on this thread. Everyone recognising it is hard.

My issue is - when you see them as visiting - not that it is their home then a different level of expectiations. If their generally fathers saw it as their home and rules apply then life would be easier fo all concerned.

Bad DFs, Bad SMs, good DFs and good SMs .

My middle SDC is difficult - likes to leave either her DF or me to pick up. Last week I just said whilst you are here this is your home and the house rule is pick up your own shit - I am not your mother - goldfish moment from her - as her shit from last week was exactly where she had left it and that is where it will stay until she shifts it. We are at week 4 - lets see who cracks first! Bet it will be DP and therein lies the problem!

Absolutely normal thoughts and feelings. Of course its better when its just you' your partner and your children.
I am 100% happier when we get to have our time together as a family unit we created.
We also get on much, much better - the only arguments we ever have is about the dynamics and feelings that are dismissed when SD is here.

@FishyFriday

Maybe the NR fathers could step up and actually parent their children so that the contact stays are nicer for everyone. And lose the weird defensive chips on their shoulders that seem to prevent them from acknowledging that the behaviour their parenting produces is problematic.

As always people are blaming stepparents (stepmother's in particular) and telling us all to pity the poor children. Why not direct this crap at the parents instead?

I have a friend who is a very happy SM. Her husband does not Disney dad around and the kids are parented robustly in both their homes. She doesn't end up tiptoeing around on eggshells and scapegoated for everything she does. That's only possible because her husband is actively trying to make it all work for everyone. And it helps a lot that just ex is a perfectly sensible woman.

Yes there's are niggles and all the usual stresses in a large family (and it is a large family). But it's possible for her to enjoy the time with her SC because they just come in and join in with the family as a whole.

And still, both her and her husband will tell you that sometimes they prefer it when there are fewer children in the house. No one is trying to make it an evil stepparent/poor children narrative. Instead they can just say: 'it's so much easier with an empty house, isn't it?' and no one gets weird and defensive.

And let's stop imagining that stepmothers are simply useless and can't deal with reminders that their husbands used to shag someone else. Because that is rarely the issue. Being pissed off because your husband insists you cook 3 meals to accommodate his fussy 12 year old and then allows that 12 year old to be rude to you about your efforts (or any of the things that regularly happen in blended families) absolutely nothing to do with his sex life 13 years ago. It's all about his lack of support and failure to parent his child (to the child's detriment) in the present.

Maybe the NR fathers could step up and actually parent their children so that the contact stays are nicer for everyone. And lose the weird defensive chips on their shoulders that seem to prevent them from acknowledging that the behaviour their parenting produces is problematic.

Brilliant post, @FishyFriday. They should sticky this at the op of this board!

Totally normal for you to feel more settled when it's just your small direct family and not 2 older kids added on. However I wonder where the children really feel is their home if they are 50:50 and you clearly don't want them at yours. I hope their mother is more welcoming. It's sad for them to spend 50% of their time somewhere that they aren't wanted.

Feeling happier and more relaxed without them isn't the same as being unwelcoming or making the kids feel unwanted.
Unless OP is actually telling the kids how she feels when they aren't there?

@Youseethethingis

Feeling happier and more relaxed without them isn't the same as being unwelcoming or making the kids feel unwanted. Unless OP is actually telling the kids how she feels when they aren't there?

Right? A lot of people seem to not see the wild conclusion they are jumping to here. A person feeling like they are at their happiest when they aren't looking after two kids that aren't theirs (which is probably most people, it just hasn't been put to the test) does not automatically mean they are actively wishing the SC weren't there or didn't exist. The SP is not inevitably glaring daggers at the SC, and mouthing "this is not your home".

In my case, the fact that I feel this way makes no difference to anything, it doesn't even really need acknowledging or thinking about because it is so obvious and goes without saying. Just as I don't make my DPs other family feel horrifically unwelcome when they are around based on the fact that I prefer it when they're not, I'm not about to do the same to my SC.

Step parents are forever having to explain this until their blue in the face, and yet there are so many who just can't compute beyond "step parent is talking about their feelings and they're not overwhelming positive, MUST be making life miserable for the SC".

You know I was starting to despair on MN but finally a thread with more than most common sense so far !!

OP stepparent are often expected to love being with SC but also not step on any "mum duties" and also have no feelings on the issue if problems arise. "You know what you got into" attitude or even better mum shaming for not walking the traipse wire with perfect flare.

Some approach it with a I leave most of all parenting to DH - fair approach, others lean in to SC also fair approach both can get you burnt to cinders on here and in RL. I tend to lean into accepting being the "wicked SM" and SC and returning issues to DH but this is what works for me and might not work with others.

It's so hard some days (for me personally) and some days not so much.

It's totally ok to just feel better when SC aren't there. Not because your a evil person because you are a person and dynamics are tricky and everyone needs a break.

Often it can be made tricker by DHs making SM carry the parental load (I'm generalising massively her) and tying her hands behind her back.

I love my DC very much but even sometimes I need a break (gasp) something which SM seemed to not be able to say.

It sounds like you feel u Der pressure when they are there. For a start, having three kids instead of one in the house inevitably leads to more pressure. It likely would be the sane if it was your parents, siblings, niece or nephews coming and staying.

What you need to work in is identifying whether it's pressure put on you or pressure you put on yourself? To get approval from your OH at being a good SM, or wanti go to prove to yourself that you are.

Maybe you just need to let go a bit more. Accept that it will always be harder when they are there but also trying to focus on what tour family is gaining from their presence.

The more you tell yourself that things are better and happier when they are not there, the more it will become your reality.

My issue is - when you see them as visiting - not that it is their home then a different level of expectiations. If their generally fathers saw it as their home and rules apply then life would be easier fo all concerned.

It's impossible not to see them as visitors when they and everyone else in their life treats them as such. You're absolutely right that there is an issue with their fathers - but often their grandparents, mothers and everyone else seem to treat them like royal visitors.

To be fair, it is always going to be hard to see kids who are there every other weekend as actual residents of a house. They arrive and the whole character of the house changes. Their behaviour and attitudes are calibrated to another house. It's hard to change anything about what they do or how they are in the time they are in that house. Their father is unlikely to see them as anything other than visitors to be spoiled. Their mother may well expect them to be treated like special visitors and vociferously object to any attempts to improve their behaviour.

You can't suddenly shift the entire household to match how things are in their mother's house. That's incredibly disruptive and unfair on the resident children in the house. People may not like it much, but the reality is that the children who move between houses do have to learn to adapt. The rules and norms cannot suddenly shift 2 days a fortnight. Nor can you necessarily operate a two tier system where the SC get away with murder while the RC are expected to behave properly as normal.

While SM might be able to say 'they're allowed to eat sweets all day and not eat their dinner and you're not. I'm not their mum so it's not up to me. But I am you mum'. But how exactly does dad handle the double standard in how he treats his children? And how does their father explain why he allows some of his children to treat the RC's mother poorly? 'Well they don't really live here so we can't expect them to behave well or be nice to anyone' isn't necessarily a helpful thing to tell them - even if that is the thought process driving it all.

Ideally, yes, we could all treat the SC as if they lived there all the time. But many factors combine to conspire against that happening in practice.

FishyFriday I swear you should write a book on this! You've explained the issues I face so clearly.

This is their home but I then get moaned at for not rushing to greet them when they arrive. I don't make a big fuss when my husband walks through the door why should they be any different?

@PurpleyBlue

FishyFriday I swear you should write a book on this! You've explained the issues I face so clearly.

This is their home but I then get moaned at for not rushing to greet them when they arrive. I don't make a big fuss when my husband walks through the door why should they be any different?

It's just so difficult really.

No one lines up to greet anyone else in this house. But Disney dad is annoyed that everyone doesn't drop everything and form a line to greet the prodigal children when they arrive. Then the whole weekend is set up from the start as a bloody royal visit and dad is resentful that everyone else wants to act like it's a nondescript weekend in term time.

Of course the kids realise this. And they will learn to exploit the dynamic for all its worth. Not because they're awful people but because they are people and that's what people do. They're not going to think: 'hmm, dad gets annoyed at SM instead of me and actually gives me more of what I want to compensate me... better start following the rules of this house then'. No one would. They're not idiots. Their father is teaching them to behave this way.

I read some great advice that SM should make sure they are busy doing something when the SC arrive. That way it's just a standard arrival. Not a red carpet event.

That's exactly what I do now. I want them to feel like this is their home. I only greet guests. I say hello when I next see them obviously. They have started to refer to their mum's house as "home" where as before it was just "mum's" so I think they feel like visitors here which is a bit sad but natural if they aren't here as often I guess.

I am wondering if my insisting DH does the cooking when they are here isn't helping the whole "royal visitors" vibe though.

It doesn't have to be sad though, I think. It's ok for them to feel that mum's is 'home' and dad's is a nice place to visit regularly. That doesn't mean dad doesn't love them. Or that they're unwanted in dad's house. Just that it's not 'home'.

I think it's actually the adults who struggle with this more than the children. For all the separated parents throwing 'it's their home' around to try to achieve various ends, it doesn't matter so long as the children are able to have an ongoing relationship with both their parents.

We have an ongoing issue where my H gets annoyed with me for not continually greeting SS - all weekend long. He even tells me off for not allowing myself to be interrupted by a child that's appeared yet again to say 'hello'. In front of the child! I've said 'hi' to him several times already - when I first saw him, the 15 times he walked through the kitchen, and so on. I don't need to say hello again because he's appeared at the living room door 3 minutes after the last greeting. And, even if it were the first greeting, I was mid sentence in a I'm versa took with my husband. I'll greet the child when I've finished my bloody sentence. No wonder the SC just interrupt everyone constantly when their father does this.

@PurpleyBlue

I am wondering if my insisting DH does the cooking when they are here isn't helping the whole "royal visitors" vibe though.

I think you end up in a trade off situation.

Yes, having daddy cook specially for them does fuel the Royal visitors vibe.

But that's preferable to you cooking, then making a fuss, daddy getting annoyed that you couldn't read the tea leaves to predict what they'd deign to eat this dinner time, and then either cooking for them, making you cook again, or handing out snacks.

It's all so bloody tricky and hard to balance. Of course life is easier and nicer without any of this going on.

Can't blame you.
You'll have to hang in there for the long haul though and hope they are independent within 10 years and then they won't be round so much.

@PurpleyBlue

I am wondering if my insisting DH does the cooking when they are here isn't helping the whole "royal visitors" vibe though.

Why do they even need to know he's not taking over the cooking the rest of the time as well? It really shouldn't come as a shock to kids that their dad is involved in the cooking.

aSofaNearYou good point. I'll tell him to stop making such a fuss about the cooking and just get on with it!

FishyFriday another good point. If they are happy with having a "home" and "dad's house" then I guess there is nothing wrong with that. It might even be better for them to just have the one place they call home and I'm overthinking it all.

I'll tell him to stop making such a fuss about the cooking and just get on with it!

Just one of the many disservices Disney dad's do to their kids without even thinking about it. My dad did the cooking growing up, mum can't cook, and the sheer amount of conversations I had with shocked and confused kids about it at the time really demonstrated to me the importance of children seeing their dad participate in household chores.

He thinks he's making a point to you about making the children "feel welcome", but in reality he's probably teaching them that cooking is usually the woman's job.

@SuperCaliFragalistic

Totally normal for you to feel more settled when it's just your small direct family and not 2 older kids added on. However I wonder where the children really feel is their home if they are 50:50 and you clearly don't want them at yours. I hope their mother is more welcoming. It's sad for them to spend 50% of their time somewhere that they aren't wanted.

This is the saddest part for me.

Children know when they're not wanted.

@aSofaNearYou

I'll tell him to stop making such a fuss about the cooking and just get on with it!

Just one of the many disservices Disney dad's do to their kids without even thinking about it. My dad did the cooking growing up, mum can't cook, and the sheer amount of conversations I had with shocked and confused kids about it at the time really demonstrated to me the importance of children seeing their dad participate in household chores.

He thinks he's making a point to you about making the children "feel welcome", but in reality he's probably teaching them that cooking is usually the woman's job.

You're right here.

And by being weird and resentful about how he has to cook for his children, he's hammering that point home while scapegoating you.

Look. Cooking is women's work. But she's such a horrible woman she won't even do it for you. Poor children.

What a message to give kids.

Or he could see it as a wonderful opportunity to parent his children by providing them with nutritious home cooked meals, and teaching them to be grateful and eat this meals nicely. And never mention that he doesn't bother his arse the rest of the time.