Why does everything feel better when they aren't here?

[MochaChocc]

Does anyone else find this?

Me and DH just seem to get on better when they aren't here, not that we argue or anything when DSC are here, we don't. But just generally.

When it's just us and our DC things just seem smoother, less chaotic, I feel I have a better sense of where I fit into our family.

My DSC aren't bad children at all but I'd be lying if I were to say I didn't prefer the way our life is when they aren't with us. To go from being me, DH and small DC to having two older children in the house too, it just feels like a completely different house and family.

@Bibidy but that wasn’t the point that was being discussed. The point being made was about seeing them as visiting rather than being at their (50% of the time) home.

It’s sort of similar to the old trope about a dad “babysitting” his kids. When DSC are with their dad, he isn’t babysitting, he’s parenting. When DSC are at a house they spend 50% of their time at, they’re not visiting, they’re being home. The DSC themselves may see one house as more home than the others, that’s natural. But with 50/50 contact there isn’t a NR parent, and all adults involved should view it as the D[S]C being in the D[S]C’s home.

That doesn’t mean that in this case the OP shouldn’t find it harder when the DSC are there, it’s natural that she does and she’s entitled to her feelings.

@Viviennemary

You just have to make the best of things as thry are. The children didn't choose to be part of a step family. You need to put your personal preferences aside in this case.

Do people really not realise that so much of your life with a man with children from a previous relationship is having to put your personal preferences aside? Even where those 'personal preferences' might be about having any private space in the house, or your stuff being off limits, or being able to make parenting choices for your children in line with your values (rather than your husband's ex's), and so on.

Maybe that's why it's easier when the SC are at their mum's?

[quote DuchessDarty]@Bibidy but that wasn’t the point that was being discussed. The point being made was about seeing them as visiting rather than being at their (50% of the time) home.

It’s sort of similar to the old trope about a dad “babysitting” his kids. When DSC are with their dad, he isn’t babysitting, he’s parenting. When DSC are at a house they spend 50% of their time at, they’re not visiting, they’re being home. The DSC themselves may see one house as more home than the others, that’s natural. But with 50/50 contact there isn’t a NR parent, and all adults involved should view it as the D[S]C being in the D[S]C’s home.

That doesn’t mean that in this case the OP shouldn’t find it harder when the DSC are there, it’s natural that she does and she’s entitled to her feelings.[/quote]
Why is the hugely emotive language of 'it's their home' relevant then?

[quote DuchessDarty]@Bibidy but that wasn’t the point that was being discussed. The point being made was about seeing them as visiting rather than being at their (50% of the time) home.

It’s sort of similar to the old trope about a dad “babysitting” his kids. When DSC are with their dad, he isn’t babysitting, he’s parenting. When DSC are at a house they spend 50% of their time at, they’re not visiting, they’re being home. The DSC themselves may see one house as more home than the others, that’s natural. But with 50/50 contact there isn’t a NR parent, and all adults involved should view it as the D[S]C being in the D[S]C’s home.

That doesn’t mean that in this case the OP shouldn’t find it harder when the DSC are there, it’s natural that she does and she’s entitled to her feelings.[/quote]
Well just as you feel Fishy didn't address the subject at hand, neither did the comment she was responding to. OP never made an argument about whether it was their home or not, she just said she preferred it when they weren't there.

@MochaChocc

Does anyone else find this?

Me and DH just seem to get on better when they aren't here, not that we argue or anything when DSC are here, we don't. But just generally.

When it's just us and our DC things just seem smoother, less chaotic, I feel I have a better sense of where I fit into our family.

My DSC aren't bad children at all but I'd be lying if I were to say I didn't prefer the way our life is when they aren't with us. To go from being me, DH and small DC to having two older children in the house too, it just feels like a completely different house and family.

Also this is what the OP says. It's a more general question than about the specificities of 50-50 contact.

Just do other stepparents feel that it's easier if it's just their children and their husband in the house, and does it feel like a different house and different family when the SC arrive.

So discussing the differences levels of contact might make to a dynamic IS relevant. Thanks.

And 'but it's their home' is just emotionally manipulative crap of the usual variety on here.

I think people are completely mad to get involved with a partner who has young children. There are plenty of singles out there with no children

I'm not sure how this is helpful on the stepparents board but I'll bear it in mind should I get divorced.

They are not visiting - they are living in their home. Problem is you do not recognise that - they are permanent residents. They have 2 homes if they are doing 50:50 - 1 is not more their home than the other. You can feel however you want OP but to the DCs this is their home as much as their Mum's is their home.

This is what I was responding to, from @bogoffmda I agree with this part, but not the rest of the poster’s post. BUT I’ve just checked and the OP never uses the word “visiting”. I’d seen she said they had 50:50 contact so assumed the poster was correct in using the word “visiting”. Lesson learnt - double check everything. Apologies, OP

@Maggiesfarm

I think people are completely mad to get involved with a partner who has young children. There are plenty of singles out there with no children.

Sterling advice there……. I’ll bear it in mind for next time.

So easy to judge when you haven't been there.

Of course it feels better, no one really wants someone else's kids to come and live with them.

@hamsterchump

Of course it feels better, no one really wants someone else's kids to come and live with them.

It's not always the kids per se.

Quite often it's the sudden personality shifts in their father that are hard to live with.

Or the sense of disempowerment and lack of any control over your living situation that comes it all.

And, yes, of course the children don't choose to live in a blended family etc etc. But they are children. They don't choose a lot of things and just live with them. As an adult, feeling like you don't belong in your own house and cannot exercise even basic control over the house you own and pay for is really difficult. Especially if the rest of the time you are treated like an adult and equal owner of the house.

And more so if you are expected to continue to take on all the usual adult responsibilities but without any of the control or at least input into decision making that goes with it.

The kids can be absolutely lovely and the dynamics can still be tricky.

I get this totally. It's a different dynamic and I also get on with my husband in a different way when they aren't here. I think a lot of people feel this way to be honest.

[quote DuchessDarty]@Bibidy but that wasn’t the point that was being discussed. The point being made was about seeing them as visiting rather than being at their (50% of the time) home.

It’s sort of similar to the old trope about a dad “babysitting” his kids. When DSC are with their dad, he isn’t babysitting, he’s parenting. When DSC are at a house they spend 50% of their time at, they’re not visiting, they’re being home. The DSC themselves may see one house as more home than the others, that’s natural. But with 50/50 contact there isn’t a NR parent, and all adults involved should view it as the D[S]C being in the D[S]C’s home.

That doesn’t mean that in this case the OP shouldn’t find it harder when the DSC are there, it’s natural that she does and she’s entitled to her feelings.[/quote]
I am an SM and I would LOVE what you've said to be the case for most of us, but it just isn't. It is very rare that a child moves between houses - even 50/50 - without having a 'special' status, which is understandable from the parent's POV as they obviously wish they were there 100% of the time.

Even if my DP had his kids 50%, I know he would still roll out the red carpet and treat them differently to any resident children. It's just a completely different dynamic because the worry is always there that they might prefer the other house or not want to spend as much time with us anymore, or that they'll get pissed off and go back to the other parent early or whatever.

People with kids who live with them FT don't have that threat. They can discipline, shout, argue, be fed up with each other....because they will see each other again after school or the next day. The child doesn't have a choice to pick their other parent's home.

SCs are not just treated like any old member of the household at all.

PS. My point in the above is that usually SCs are not just 'being at home' in the way that people imagine they would be. Which is probably the factor which makes it the hardest for the SP, particularly if they do have resident children of their own who they have to try and keep in line while the SCs are getting to do/eat whatever they want, say up super late etc etc.

I think a lot of people think of their own resident children when considering topics like this and just think it would be the same, but it's really not at all.

@Bibidy You’re still not understanding what I’m saying. Or to put it more charitably, perhaps we’re taking at cross-purposes

If a child has 50/50 status - and I’m only talking about that situation - then by definition, they have two homes. So when they’re at their Dad’s, they’re in their home (one of them), where they live as much as they do as at their other home. They’re not visiting, a term which implies they don’t normally live there and don’t have a right to call it home. Using ‘visiting’ in that context would be dismissive. That was what I meant, nothing more. I was talking about them being viewed as not having proper status, not an extra ‘special’ one. That doesn’t mean I’m not agreeing they don’t have a special status when there, only that factually, with 50/50 residency it’s the SDC’s house and so they’re not visiting.