Why does everything feel better when they aren't here?

[MochaChocc]

Does anyone else find this?

Me and DH just seem to get on better when they aren't here, not that we argue or anything when DSC are here, we don't. But just generally.

When it's just us and our DC things just seem smoother, less chaotic, I feel I have a better sense of where I fit into our family.

My DSC aren't bad children at all but I'd be lying if I were to say I didn't prefer the way our life is when they aren't with us. To go from being me, DH and small DC to having two older children in the house too, it just feels like a completely different house and family.

I understand that. It does get better as they reach older ages :)
I'm Lucky however that 50:50 wasn't an option for us so I had EOW and a couple of nights for tea at that age so it wasn't too overwhelming

And as the resident parent, this makes me feel really sad. (My ex'es partner doesn't even allow his children in her/their house so she has taken this to extremes)

Why is this relevant though?

This OP has simply expressed how she feels on a step parenting board. She hasn't refused the SC entry to her house (you might want to consider that you ex is the one not having his kids in his house, and what his NR parenting might be like to have come to that). She shouldn't need to edit herself and hide her feelings in case RPs feel a bit sad that other people don't feel the same way about their children that they do.

@MochaChocc The inconsistency of blended family life is hard. And the dynamics do often become much trickier when the SC are there - the degree to which depends on a whole range of factors.

It stands to reason that it will feel different, often more straightforward, when the SC are not there.

It might upset some RPs to hear that their children's SM may find life harder and more stressful when they're around. But they might want to ask whether they are holding SPs to higher standards than themselves. After all, surely they find life easier when their children are at their ex's - in lots of ways.

Amen to the higher standards for step parents. My DSC's own mum apparently "finds it hard to have them for too many days in a row" ... DP regularly says this and allows for it... yet every year the same DP is soooo disappointed I don't fancy going camping with his teen, his pre teen AND our toddler for FOUR WEEKS WITHOUT A BREAK

@Tigertealeaves

Amen to the higher standards for step parents. My DSC's own mum apparently "finds it hard to have them for too many days in a row" ... DP regularly says this and allows for it... yet every year the same DP is soooo disappointed I don't fancy going camping with his teen, his pre teen AND our toddler for FOUR WEEKS WITHOUT A BREAK

😱

That sounds horrendous. Even if it were just 4 weeks with your husband and your own children in a tent. Add in the more complex dynamics of stepfamily life... 😩

My SC's mother always seems desperate to get time off from her children. Their father (my husband) finds it much easier when they're not here too. There are many reasons for this, some of which are that I won't do the work for him so he doesn't get to relax as he'd like, others are that he finds them difficult and annoying and not much fun.

Yet, apparently, I'm to be held up a higher standard in enjoying their company than their parents. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tbh, much as my SC's behaviour is annoying and disruptive in all sorts of ways, the thing that makes it so much harder when they're here is... their father's attitude and the change in him. He is much harder to live with and get on with when he's in guilt-ridden Disney dad mode than when he's in normal mode.

I can't complain to DH about anything the stepchildren do without him getting annoyed so I had a go at him when he complained about our shared DC. I think he got it after that. Kids can ve annoying and if you're a step parent you don't have the same bond that allows you to overlook things.

FishyFriday I've had similar "dad mode" issues. Made worse by the fact he isn't in dad mode when it's just me and our LO. It's like royalty have come to visit sometimes!

Yes. Funnily enough, dad mode doesn't seem to come into effect if the SC aren't here. 🙄

It's amazing that it doesn't occur to him that, rather than being resentful he's having to do X, Y and Z because his other kids need him to, he should be grateful that he's not also doing A, B and C for our shared child because I am doing it.

It's hard trying to explain to someone that looking after his children IS doing the boring shit like, making their meals (and then trying not to burst a blood vessel with annoyance over them complaining and refusing to eat etc), cleaning up after the meals, doing their laundry, taking them places, tidying up after them/making them tidy up, and so on. He should actually be thanking me that I did the shopping and bought the food he's cooking and loaded the bloody dishwasher with the dishes he/they used and left near it. Not being annoyed that he has to do so much. Especially not when there's so much laundry because he chooses for them to go through so many clothes (the baby produces less laundry in a week than the SC do in a weekend), and he's having to cook separately for them because they won't eat my food (no matter what it is), and so on.

He's feeling stressed and like there's no time to relax because I'm not doing it all for him. I'm just doing what I'd be doing anyway, and he's picking up the extra work that comes with his children being here.

Parenting is exhausting. Maybe he could reflect on that and do more when they're not here!

Are the younger 2 yours and DHs?

FishyFriday I've drawn a diagram to show that if we were seperated he would be doing more parenting of our LO than he is now! That shocked him a bit.

@FishyFriday oh I so hear you on the laundry. Not sure how old your SDC are but at this end the main annoyance is them just throwing clothes on the floor and expecting clean ones at 0 notice. Parents' fault not DCs' fault at their ages. DP just doesn't seem interested to teach his DC to

1. Put their laundry in their laundry basket
2. Think about uniform needed for Monday, before Monday morning
3. Use the washing machine
4. Help hang up or put away laundry

So instead we are both constantly doing 5 people's laundry and he complains how much there is to do!

@Toebean

Are the younger 2 yours and DHs?

Yes younger DC are joint.

2. Think about uniform needed for Monday, before Monday morning I've only recently given up on this one. I used to remind him every Friday to ask for it. Then explained I don't have the brain space for it since we had LO and it's been forgotten 4 times so far. Poor kids have had to go to school in a smelly hastily fabreezed uniform.

@MochaChocc

And as the resident parent, this makes me feel really sad. (My ex'es partner doesn't even allow his children in her/their house so she has taken this to extremes)

I wouldn't do this obviously.

the difference would be that you'd miss them as well

Yes, I don't miss them at all when they aren't here.

Do you feel you have a say in the family dynamics when they are there, or do you feel pushed aside? Even if they are not your children, it is still your home and your family

This is the thing because I do still feel like I have a say. DH has always been very good with that, making me feel like it's still my home so I should still have a say in things.

I don't know exactly why I feel this way. I guess as everyone says it's just simpler. We have less to think about and do.

The biggest thing to me is a genuinely prefer our marriage when they aren't here. We just seem to click more, get on better, talk more, laugh more etc... Again though I guess it's just because it's less busy.

I think a lot of this would be true for bio parents not just step parents! When your children are around there is a lot more to think about, more stress etc... and when your children are not around there is a lot more time to get on better, talk and laugh with your partner! Research shows that parents are generally less happy than childfree people (though those studies have not taken into account the sense of purpose and longer term joy that children can bring).

Yet, apparently, I'm to be held up a higher standard in enjoying their company than their parents. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh this one annoys me!

Also, mums are allowed to enjoy time without their children but stepmums are awful for enjoying the time when the stepchildren aren’t there.

Parents are allowed to opt out of taking their children to their hobbies for being a bit tired, whereas the stepmum doesn’t take them and she’s seen as a cold hearted witch with no interest in her stepchildren and should be chipping in to family life and be part of the team.

A dad can move out of his home when he breaks up with his partner/wife and run off with his new girlfriend, leaving his child to live with the stepmum who is not the child’s parent. The stepmum wants the child to move out and be with their dad and she’s seen as evil.

It’s depressing sometimes seeing how stepmums are held to higher standards than the child’s parents. Not just dad but mum as well.

@mswales absolutely. I think one of the hard things about a stepfamily is that you never have the completely child free bonding phase that "first family" couples have. The glue between the adults doesn't get much time to set.

They are not visiting - they are living in their home. Problem is you do not recognise that - they are permanent residents.

They have 2 homes if they are doing 50:50 - 1 is not more their home than the other.

You can feel however you want OP but to the DCs this is their home as much as their Mum's is their home. You prefer your marriage when they are not there because they are a constant reminder of something before and you do not have the nuclear family - which if everyone was honest is what they would prefer.

The DCS did not ask for this - it was imposed on them. Sounds like they are making the best of a difficult situation and getting on with their lives as best they can.

Because blended families are complicated (especially when you also have joint children).

Because you have less of an emotional attachment to your stepchildren so they will feel like harder work. Naturally your stepchildren are just as important and fantastic to their dad as your joint children... but for you, your own children will probably be more enjoyable to spend time with.

You’re not wrong or even unusual to prefer it when your stepchildren aren’t there. But you married their dad and they are a package deal (or at least should be). I think the only thing you can do is make the best of it.

@bogoffmda

They are not visiting - they are living in their home. Problem is you do not recognise that - they are permanent residents.

They have 2 homes if they are doing 50:50 - 1 is not more their home than the other.

You can feel however you want OP but to the DCs this is their home as much as their Mum's is their home. You prefer your marriage when they are not there because they are a constant reminder of something before and you do not have the nuclear family - which if everyone was honest is what they would prefer.

The DCS did not ask for this - it was imposed on them. Sounds like they are making the best of a difficult situation and getting on with their lives as best they can.

Defensive much? No it's nothing to do with them being a "reminder", that's what defensive parents tell themselves because they find it hard to accept that being around their kids isn't purely a pleasure for other adults. Dealing with parents who can't handle that is far more likely to be what makes step parents not enjoy the experience, than the SC being "a reminder".

Sofa - that makes no sense.

Think we all know that no one loves kids like their own but in blended families - there is another dynamic.
OP - can enjoy her time with out the SDCs as much as she likes her down time from her DCS - no one saying anything wrong with that.

What I do not like about this type of post - is the implication, that life would be better with out the SDCs and everyone would be happier.

Much preferred the OP on another thread who openly wished her DP did not have DCS from previous relationship. I think we all get it but dealing with the reality and not letting the DCS become aware that in one house their DSM would rather they did not exist and potentially in their other house the DSF would rather they did not exist is the hard thing.

It probably feels better without the step kids because it IS better. And that's just the fact.

With your DC you have full control on discipline and behaviour, rules and boundaries.
And be your full self, not have to watch what you say.
Feel unconditional love.
Feel pride when they meet their individual mile stones.

Raising kids is tough, unforgiving and can make you feel useless and on cloud 9 all in the same 24 hours. Bringing in someone else's children who have their own parents is a completly different kettle of fish. Don't feel bad OP you've voiced a common feeling and sentiment.

You prefer your marriage when they are not there because they are a constant reminder of something before

I disagree with this. When I see my DSC I am not thinking oh but they are from his first marriage, I am reminded of his ex etc..

I'm thinking ah cool DSC 1 & 2 are here, I wonder what mood they are in this week, do they need a drink? Would they like to help me with x,y,z. Will their dad cook something nice for us all. Oh DSC 1 is being mean towards DSC2 AGAIN. Oh DSC 1 is slurping and eating with her mouth full again. DSC1 wants help with her homework I've got time to help with that, might be fun. Etc.

@bogoffmda

Sofa - that makes no sense.

Think we all know that no one loves kids like their own but in blended families - there is another dynamic.
OP - can enjoy her time with out the SDCs as much as she likes her down time from her DCS - no one saying anything wrong with that.

What I do not like about this type of post - is the implication, that life would be better with out the SDCs and everyone would be happier.

Much preferred the OP on another thread who openly wished her DP did not have DCS from previous relationship. I think we all get it but dealing with the reality and not letting the DCS become aware that in one house their DSM would rather they did not exist and potentially in their other house the DSF would rather they did not exist is the hard thing.

It makes perfect sense. Nobody ever claims that EVERYONE would be happier without the SC, just that the a SM might prefer their time without other people's kids around. That's pretty natural and to be expected if you actually think about it. I'd never expect anyone other than me to actively prefer time spent with my daughter.

I ended up having all my step children living permanently at our house, where we live with our joint kids. They never lived with their mother again.

Years after the event I learned through Mumsnet about "Disney dad syndrome".

I felt like I visitor and a spare part in my own home. It certainly coloured and spoiled the early years of my life as a new parent. There were times I didn't think we would make it as a couple.

Now they have all flown the nest I much prefer my life. Things are calm, there is no tension, I am relaxed. I am an equal.

I'd never expect anyone other than me to actively prefer time spent with my daughter.

I agree, you often here of stepparents being told off for trying to replace mum/dad if they do enjoy time with their DSC but if they don't then it's also somehow wrong.

*hear