A question for step mums....

[parkerpop]

Ok so I'm not a step mum myself but thought this might be the best board to get some insights/advice.....

Bit of background (makes it a long post but I think it's relevant).I have an 8yo DD from my previous marriage, we were together 12 years, married 9 and I was really close with all his family as he was with mine....

Me ExH then started an affair when my DD was 6 weeks old, and this went on for 1year + before I found out. Me & exH split. OW stayed with her DH and tried to work on marriage for a further 3 years.

After initial shock and anger me and exH were civil and co-parenting well, but both had moved on, no interest in each other apart from parenting our DD and doing the best for her.

Fast forward 3 years and OW left her DH and got together with my exH. This is when all the trouble started. She cannot stand me and my exH is completely under the thumb.

He was told he was no longer allowed to talk to me face to face at handovers. All communication was to be done via text. We communicate very rarely, only ever about change of days, holidays, DDs health.
Then the OW decided she didn't like this either so decided that the best solution was for me to communicate with directly with HER and she would let me know if changes of dates, holidays etc suited "US" (i.e. my ex and her).
I wasn't happy with this as I'm not asking her for permission to take my DD for an extra day for weekends away etc.
Newest solution is that all communication to be done via email. This includes a new email address specific for this purpose and has been set up as "HerName&[email protected]"

Think this was intended to wind me up but secretly gave me a laugh, showed me how controlled he is etc. but outwardly I just said "sure, no problem"

Most recent thing tho was this after in I went for lunch with a friend of 20+ years. This friend happens to be my exHs brothers wife (so my ex sister in law). I met her before I met my exh and we've always stayed in touch.
Anyway, she's apparently just had a tirade of abuse from my ExH for going for lunch with me. Apparently he doesn't want his family to speak to me as it causes problems with OW as she feels I'm "never going to go away"

Sorry I felt that was getting too long!!

Other examples of issues are, xmas before lockdown he wasn't allowed to go to DDs nativity as I'd be there (bearing in mind it was a massive hall with hundreds of people and we wouldn't be anywhere near each other). She gets annoyed if DD talks about me too much in her company.... the list goes on.

It's now getting to the point my exh is actually really rude and quite nasty about me (to my face and also to his family) but it's like they're trying to paint me out to be the unreasonable one.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble but my question is, why would either of them hate me so much and have so many issues with me? They're the ones who had the affair (I knew her too and she bought me presents etc for me & DD while this affair was happening)

It almost feels like jealousy/insecurity but me & exH genuinely can't stand each other. It feels like she's trying to control everything or that I'm in some type of power struggle

I'm just struggling with being made out to be some psycho ex when I don't see the problem.

Is it common for step mums to feel like this over the exW?

What’s your question?

I don't understand why she has such a problem with me? Is it common for stepmums to have a problem with the mums regardless of what we do/how we act?

Does she feel threatened by something?

@parkerpop

I don't understand why she has such a problem with me? Is it common for stepmums to have a problem with the mums regardless of what we do/how we act?

Does she feel threatened by something?

So you've basically just come onto a step-parenting forum and asked "are you all horrible people?"

HA! Golden.

I don't understand how you know all this? Does your ex say this to you about her? If so, hes causing issues. It doesn't really matter why he chooses to do certain things eg not speak to you in certain ways. Take it up with him and born if you stop blaming the SM.

Not a step mum but the reason she hates you is easy - you make her feel bad about herself. Having an affair with a married man with a newborn baby is about as low as you can go and you remind her that she is that person. Plus you remind her that her partner will shag someone else if the mood takes him and minor details like marriage and children won’t get in the way of that.

This isn't a SM problem, it's a) an OW problem because she's desperately insecure and b) (and primarily) an ex DP problem. Take it up with him...

I’m sorry that sounds awful. Yes I think it’s pretty common and yes down to jealousy and insecurity.

I’m not sure how anyone here can help. Their relationship sounds unhealthy and she sounds controlling but he’s the problem if he’s allowing her to dictate contact or communication. She can be as unreasonable as she likes, how he deals with that is up to him.

Their relationship began as an affair so it’s understandable she doesn’t trust him. She’s projecting that onto you.

If you’ve got his number you can refuse to do anything but have direct contact with him. If you’re not bothered by using their silly joint email and that’s easier then carry on.

I can’t relate to any of this. I barely give my DSC’s mum/DH ex a thought. She’s wholly uninteresting to me so I’d never feel threatened by her. I don’t get involved in contact arrangements with her, we’ve attended the same nativity plays even though she and I don’t have any sort of relationship, there’s mutual disinterest I think.

@ElderMillennial

I don't understand how you know all this? Does your ex say this to you about her? If so, hes causing issues. It doesn't really matter why he chooses to do certain things eg not speak to you in certain ways. Take it up with him and born if you stop blaming the SM.

The asking me to do all contact via her, then setting up a joint email address came directly from her.

The nativity play thing I was told by his mum as he explained to her he wasn't going as if I was there it made new partner feel "weird"

Tonight's issue about me meeting a friend for lunch came via my friend. Ex got in touch with his brother having a go about why they are still in touch with me

@harriethoyle

This isn't a SM problem, it's a) an OW problem because she's desperately insecure and b) (and primarily) an ex DP problem. Take it up with him...

Yes agree I should've said an OW problem not SM. And completely agree exH wouldn't be allowing her to try and be so involved.

I don't really need to take anything up with anyone tho, I just was trying to see if SM's can sympathise with her and have similar feelings or if it's something specific I'm doing

Why have you addressed this question to step mums? it should be entitled ‘question for the OW’.
Why would I as a step mum, understand why the woman who bedded your husband, dislikes you?

@ladybee28 i was wondering if it was common
for SMs (or specifically SMs that were the OW) to feel like a bit insecure/threatened by the ex, or if it was something I was doing!

Seems to be that the mum is often made out to be a "psycho ex" - surely we're not all like that?

Yeah it's an OW problem. Not all step mums are OW

She's massively insecure and If I were you I'd just sit back, relax and watch their train wreck in motion relationship

@Teaandbi5cuit5

Why have you addressed this question to step mums? it should be entitled ‘question for the OW’. Why would I as a step mum, understand why the woman who bedded your husband, dislikes you?

You're right, it is more about it being the OW. But it also seems that many SMs don't get on with their DSCs mum.

I don't know if her negative feelings towards me are because of the affair specifically OR if it's because she doesn't like the fact her partners ex is in his life, full stop.

Even if they hadn't had an affair would she still feel like this as he gets a formal and factual email from his ex once a week concerning his DD?

Seems to be that the mum is often made out to be a "psycho ex" - surely we're not all like that?

And the SMs are often made out to be the OW or otherwise controlling and insecure if their partner takes them into account.

There is a lot of negativity towards SMs as there may be first wives.

I'm not saying what you say your ex's partner is doing is great but there are two sides to every story.

@parkerpop no it isn't common. Just like it isn't common that the exw hates the sm and tries to potion the kids against her.

There are wankers on all sides and absolute gems too.

I have an ok relationship with my dsc mum, their dad and I are no longer together but I see the kids regularly, dsd is coming here for a movie and chill out night tomorrow for example.

The issues between us when ex and i were together were around him being a twat and blaming me to her and her to me.

You don't know that she is the driving force here, she may well be being scapegoated by your exh. You already know he can lie well as he cheated on your for over a year.

I’m a step mum and the behaviour of your ex-husband and the OW is bizarre! It’s not normal.

Your ex husband is weak and pathetic and the OW is insecure and controlling. Too much drama.

Honestly? I always find it odd when post divorce/ separation, people stay ‘friends’ with their exes family. I know it’s each to their own but really?

My exh got on with my family (esp my older sibling). Likewise I got on so well with my ex SIL.
We separated and guess what? We gave each other our families back. Because when push comes to shove, regardless of the circumstances of divorce my siblings loyalty lies with me (not my exh) and vice versa. I’d find it really odd if I found out my brother and my exh are still mates and going out drinking together!

I always think exes who do this are (bluntly) unboundaried.
As for coming on here and asking why SM’s would act this way? You don’t have a SM issue. You have an ExH issue. Firstly he cheated on you (sorry, that’s horrid) and now he is not co-parenting civilly with you. Why is that her fault? Why is she bearing the brunt of this situation? Hes your ex and parent to your child and he’s allowing this. It’s on him.

@sassbott I'm friends with his brothers wife. I've been friends with her since before I even met exH (over 20 years) so why should I not be friends with her anymore because my ExH decided to have an affair?

And I agree it's his issue for allowing it to happen but she says herself its because she's uncomfortable with us having contact.

Believe me, I blame my exH for the affair and for allowing her to have this level of involvement in our co-parenting. He has no back-bone and needs to grow a pair of balls and stand up to her. I get all that.

That's a separate issue to why she feels this way towards me tho?

Agree with @sassbott - you don’t have a SM issue. Your ex-husband is to blame and you’re letting him control the situation. You have to take back control.

Not all SM are the OW - her behaviour amounts to a jealous lover.

Why were/are you emailing him about your DD once a week? How often does he see her and what sort of factual information are you including?

Unless she’s got complicated health needs or something that sounds unnecessary.

My DSC are old enough to have phones now so contact between DH and his ex is minimal but even when they were much younger they planned contact for 3 or 4 months at a time and exchanged the odd text in between if something happened or last minute changes were needed - always her end as it happened.

Can’t imagine the need for a weekly round up.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Why were/are you emailing him about your DD once a week? How often does he see her and what sort of factual information are you including?

Unless she’s got complicated health needs or something that sounds unnecessary.

My DSC are old enough to have phones now so contact between DH and his ex is minimal but even when they were much younger they planned contact for 3 or 4 months at a time and exchanged the odd text in between if something happened or last minute changes were needed - always her end as it happened.

Can’t imagine the need for a weekly round up.

We both work shifts so we had a weekly email to agree contact days.

He'd basically send his rota to me and vice versa. The email would basically confirm pick up & drop off times. Was always sent on a Sunday evening and if there was ever anything else (which was very rare) we would add it to the same email. Examples being dentist appointments, one of us taking her in holiday etc

It has absolutely nothing to do with being a stepmum and everything to do with how their relationship started. I bet she is actually controlling over him talking to any woman at all. She's scared he's going to do the same to her as what he did to you, because she knows he's capable of it. You're also a constant reminder to her that he's capable of it, because he did it to you and you still being around is a reminder that he was actually already committed to someone when they got together, so it highlights the gross shady start of their own relationship.

Basically you're right and it all comes down to her own jealousy and insecurities, because when people start off relationships as affairs that's what happens.