A question for step mums....

[parkerpop]

Ok so I'm not a step mum myself but thought this might be the best board to get some insights/advice.....

Bit of background (makes it a long post but I think it's relevant).I have an 8yo DD from my previous marriage, we were together 12 years, married 9 and I was really close with all his family as he was with mine....

Me ExH then started an affair when my DD was 6 weeks old, and this went on for 1year + before I found out. Me & exH split. OW stayed with her DH and tried to work on marriage for a further 3 years.

After initial shock and anger me and exH were civil and co-parenting well, but both had moved on, no interest in each other apart from parenting our DD and doing the best for her.

Fast forward 3 years and OW left her DH and got together with my exH. This is when all the trouble started. She cannot stand me and my exH is completely under the thumb.

He was told he was no longer allowed to talk to me face to face at handovers. All communication was to be done via text. We communicate very rarely, only ever about change of days, holidays, DDs health.
Then the OW decided she didn't like this either so decided that the best solution was for me to communicate with directly with HER and she would let me know if changes of dates, holidays etc suited "US" (i.e. my ex and her).
I wasn't happy with this as I'm not asking her for permission to take my DD for an extra day for weekends away etc.
Newest solution is that all communication to be done via email. This includes a new email address specific for this purpose and has been set up as "HerName&[email protected]"

Think this was intended to wind me up but secretly gave me a laugh, showed me how controlled he is etc. but outwardly I just said "sure, no problem"

Most recent thing tho was this after in I went for lunch with a friend of 20+ years. This friend happens to be my exHs brothers wife (so my ex sister in law). I met her before I met my exh and we've always stayed in touch.
Anyway, she's apparently just had a tirade of abuse from my ExH for going for lunch with me. Apparently he doesn't want his family to speak to me as it causes problems with OW as she feels I'm "never going to go away"

I don't understand being annoyed by a child talking about a parent?

Hmm, you would if you'd experienced it.

It is difficult having an ever present ex in the picture, but generally only if they over step the mark and don’t have any boundaries. She’s massively overstepping herself here, insisting on your arrangements for your child being run past her first, but from a SM point of view, it’s also frustrating when the parents are making arrangements that impact on your life without involving you in that discussion. I hate when my DP’s phone is constantly pinging with her name and photo flashing up when he’s with me. Most of the time it’s trivial shit that could easily have waited until she saw him next as they live very close and see each other every day.

However, every set up is unique so it’s difficult to say why she’s behaving like she is. Maybe it’s insecurity. Maybe he compares her to you in arguments, maybe she’s reopening old wounds from previous relationships where she was the one cheated on, maybe she’s desperately trying to carve out a place within his family and finding there isn’t a space as you’re still in it. I don’t spend much time with DP’s family, but if they met up with his ex on a regular basis I’d find that really hurtful. By all means continue a relationship with the exes family but that should be as well as, not instead of, them welcoming her too. I understand as an OW there may be barriers to her being included in their family and she most likely senses that.

I think you need to go back to the drawing board with your ex and say that parenting by committee isn’t helpful, that you and he are the parents, so you will discuss your arrangements with him alone, then the responsibility for disseminating that info to his partner is entirely on him, so if he wants a happy life he needs to work on how to communicate effectively with her, not expect you to do it for him. That’s not your job!

I don't understand being annoyed by a child talking about a parent?

It’s just the constant reminder that someone else was the ‘proper’ relationship - the one that meant marriage and children and the hope of happily ever after. The fact that it didn’t last thanks to her is irrelevant because your DC are a physical reminder of the love and commitment you and your ex made to each other. When they talk about you it’s as if the family unit is whole again right in front of her eyes and she’s the outsider.

My DP, his kids and ex have a text group called “family” where they share pics and info etc. Of course that makes perfect logical sense, but it stings when I see it pop up on his phone. They’re still the family. After 10 years I’m still not “family”. I wasn’t the OW but I can imagine that having come into a relationship in a (being charitable here!) less-than-legitimate way, she’s struggling with being seen as his rightful partner, and any mention of you reinforces that she used to be his dirty secret.

@Rachstep
Not every family that is able to get along is having some " kumbaya moment" or " around the camo fire event" sometimes it is just the level of maturity and willingness to get along that some families bring to their family tables. Sometimes you only get as much as you are willing to give.

I would never suggest that family and parenting are one size fits all relationships, but what they do have in common is the impact that avoidable acrimony will have on the relationships.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@Rachstep
Not every family that is able to get along is having some " kumbaya moment" or " around the camo fire event" sometimes it is just the level of maturity and willingness to get along that some families bring to their family tables. Sometimes you only get as much as you are willing to give.

I would never suggest that family and parenting are one size fits all relationships, but what they do have in common is the impact that avoidable acrimony will have on the relationships.[/quote]
Yes, but that’s a very idealistic view and also very unrealistic for most. Hats off the anyone that can manage to do it that way.

@Rachstep
It is sad that some people live in environments in which the view harmony and lack of acrimony as idealistic. Divorce is such a common situation today and I know many ,many, people who get along well and are not driven to make their families choose sides

In fact, most of the people that I know do not wish to even know about personal issues between spouses and absent cases of abuse would prefer that these personal disagreements between ex's not be brought to the larger family table.

My mother often says " you didn't ask my opinion in your decision to join , please do not tell me how to feel about your separating. "

I think that the many people who get along just do so quietly and move along, but the few who have acrimony are constantly and vociferously complaining. Thus making it see like more of a norm than it is.

When I first met my DH and he was recently split from his ex partner (not married, but long term and had a 4y DD together). I did used to feel insecure about pick ups and drops off, school plays, parents eves together etc. I prob was a little unreasonable sometimes but only when moaning to my DH (after a couple of years I felt more secure and now I don't even really notice it!)

I would NEVER have actually stopped them communicating about their daughter. It seems very unreasonable and odd tbh.

All I can think of is maybe over time she'll be more secure. But I do feel sorry for everyone involved as it sounds a bit crap. I hope your child is oblivious to all thus.

I mean part of me thought this was a troll post but reading your comments maybe not.

So as much as we all love the "wicked stepmother crown" and all the glory that comes with it (sarcasm). This isn't a step mum issue.

I haven't once thought oh my SC mum I'm so jealous of her let's make her life difficult.
Tbh I rarely think of my SC mother unless I'm like do I need to get her permission for something, how would I like to be treated in this situation so I need to loop her in or is my DH being unfair on her and actually needs to be told thisect. I get on well with her because all I focus on with her is SC and what's best for SC. I don't judge what goes down in her house but I do what goes down in mine.

Let's assume SM is maybe just a difficult person and being a SM has nothing to do with it.

It's a communication issue which is highlighted by most of your comments.

Specifically this is a communication issue with your ex and seems like communication may have been lacking in your marriage from his side.

Feel free to set her alight for her past actions with your ex but make sure your doing it with the vigour as you are your ex. Stop making excuses for him by blaming her. He allows it, it's his choice (as harsh and rubbish as it is)

You can't control what goes down in that house. You have to detach I say this not to be harsh I say this because your mental well-being will be better for it when you do.

I can't relate to this.

DP's ex messages him most days about the kids. It doesn't bother me at all, I'm secure in my relationship, and she moved on and got a boyfriend first, long before we met. I love my step kids and think its important for them for their parents to be cordial and communicate.

Like other posters have said, you have an OW problem, not a step mum problem. She is dealing with her guilt by turning you into the bogeyman - she can't accept what she did and move on.

I don't see a problem at all with you being friendly with your ex SIL, as long as you are not 'using' it somehow. Especially as you already knew her.

Hi op, I didn't read the whole thread. Probably wrong forum here as the sms are a touchy and defensive bunch. As is probably the ow! Sounds like an awful situation, very sorry for you and for your DD. She's getting to be the one whose spineless df can't go to her school play. How low can some people get? She's not only had an affair with a df with a 6 week old, but now destroying DD relation with her df. I'd be worried about leaving your DD with her. She probably reminds her of you and she'll do everything possible do get rid of her. Your ex sounds like he has to grow a pair. If I were you, I'd keep contact with your ex sl, and ignore her hysteria. I'd also arrange to speak to your ex properly, and seriously and warn him about his future with your DD.

@CafetiereOrEspressino

Hi op, I didn't read the whole thread. Probably wrong forum here as the sms are a touchy and defensive bunch. As is probably the ow! Sounds like an awful situation, very sorry for you and for your DD. She's getting to be the one whose spineless df can't go to her school play. How low can some people get? She's not only had an affair with a df with a 6 week old, but now destroying DD relation with her df. I'd be worried about leaving your DD with her. She probably reminds her of you and she'll do everything possible do get rid of her. Your ex sounds like he has to grow a pair. If I were you, I'd keep contact with your ex sl, and ignore her hysteria. I'd also arrange to speak to your ex properly, and seriously and warn him about his future with your DD.

Step mum and mum here.

You sound very judgmental about SM's in general - I think perhaps you need to look inward to figure out why that is and address that. Your comment seems odd if your a step mum but (willing to be wrong) and even odder that if you aren't a SM would be visiting the SMs thread without some type of agenda. Just a thought.

The gist of the OPs question "are all SM's nuts" and the resounding answer is this women is unhinged but being a SM has very little to do with it.

I wouldn't go to the parenting thread and ask "are mums (or first wives) being controlling people who use their kids as weapons" because anyone regardless of "title" some can be a bad person with or without the title of mum or SM and generalisations are unfair and often wrong

Had you read the comments some of them have actually been pretty fair. None of them have blamed the OP.

Having said that the blame does totally not fall on SMs shoulders alone . She sounds like a nut- but that's not a quality that can universally only be applied to SMs so we can't take the glory on that one ;)

At the end of the day the larger problem OP is facing lies with her ex and his lack of spine and ability to stand up to his new partner for his children.

Frankly when it it comes to children and activities relating to them it's up to the parents to set and enforce boundaries which is mum and dad. Her ex sounds like a right plonker without a spine.

@newomums your post inadvertently exemplified my point regarding touchiness and defensiveness :D

@CookieRoll 🤣 and you subsequently with mine. Oh the irony.

She sounds like a total fucking fruit loop!

Best try just think of it as karma. You live in her head. Think how horrible a place she must be in to behave like this and him! he's a spineless little shit of a man. Hope he likes his baws being kept in a jar. Pair of absolute wrong'uns.

Just keep doing the best by your daughter and don't even respond to any pish off either of them. X

I don't understand being annoyed by a child talking about a parent?

Because that parent is the same person who made our lives hell for 12 months, dedicated herself to trying to split us up and drove OH to the point the doc said he had ptsd from dealing with her

With regards to family keeping in touch with an ex it depends on the circumstances. My parents did it and I found it very difficult as it was a constant reminder of my past and of sadness and made it hard to move on. My sister has recently split with her husband and whilst I liked him I won't be staying in touch because I don't want to make things hard for her

But woodmarsh, it doesn't sound like the same situation as the op. She didn't try to separate them, it was the ow who had an affair with her DH and she isn't interested in him. Also her ex-sil was her friend first, that's how she and ex-dh met. Understand your point, but just think op's circumstances are different here.

@cookieroll no I get that, I was just giving an example of how someone could be driven to feel like that because a poster had said that they didn't ungrateful how someone could

OP. I agree this is an OW problem. I have this too. Divorced from my exH many years ago (nearly 20 years). Everything fine, co-parenting etc. Then he re-married 6 years ago. Children were older but still doing EOW with the youngest at that time. Fast forward to now and he is not allowed to speak to me, hardly sees the (now adult) children. I am largely not bothered, but am saddened by it, and wondering how we will do future family events like this. Having thought about it, it is caused by extreme insecurity on her part, and lack of any sort of assertiveness on his. He also has two younger children with someone else who he has hardly seen for 3 years now. Very sad, but in my experience, very unlikely to change. I don't think it is common, but when it happens, extremely upsetting

@Rachstep

Frankly m, it is annoying when the kids talk about their mum, I think most SM would agree. It’s also annoying when you have a high conflict ex that keeps you on edge whenever she texts/calls. We keep it to the bare minimum contact (plans/emergencies), nothing further required.

I disagree that most SM don't like SKids talking about their Mums and that side of their family.

I think anything you can do as a SM to make conversations less awkward and uncomfortable for your Skids the better.

OP, I wouldn't worry about the OW's feelings about you unless it's affecting your DD in some way.