A question for step mums....

[parkerpop]

Ok so I'm not a step mum myself but thought this might be the best board to get some insights/advice.....

Bit of background (makes it a long post but I think it's relevant).I have an 8yo DD from my previous marriage, we were together 12 years, married 9 and I was really close with all his family as he was with mine....

Me ExH then started an affair when my DD was 6 weeks old, and this went on for 1year + before I found out. Me & exH split. OW stayed with her DH and tried to work on marriage for a further 3 years.

After initial shock and anger me and exH were civil and co-parenting well, but both had moved on, no interest in each other apart from parenting our DD and doing the best for her.

Fast forward 3 years and OW left her DH and got together with my exH. This is when all the trouble started. She cannot stand me and my exH is completely under the thumb.

He was told he was no longer allowed to talk to me face to face at handovers. All communication was to be done via text. We communicate very rarely, only ever about change of days, holidays, DDs health.
Then the OW decided she didn't like this either so decided that the best solution was for me to communicate with directly with HER and she would let me know if changes of dates, holidays etc suited "US" (i.e. my ex and her).
I wasn't happy with this as I'm not asking her for permission to take my DD for an extra day for weekends away etc.
Newest solution is that all communication to be done via email. This includes a new email address specific for this purpose and has been set up as "HerName&[email protected]"

Think this was intended to wind me up but secretly gave me a laugh, showed me how controlled he is etc. but outwardly I just said "sure, no problem"

Most recent thing tho was this after in I went for lunch with a friend of 20+ years. This friend happens to be my exHs brothers wife (so my ex sister in law). I met her before I met my exh and we've always stayed in touch.
Anyway, she's apparently just had a tirade of abuse from my ExH for going for lunch with me. Apparently he doesn't want his family to speak to me as it causes problems with OW as she feels I'm "never going to go away"

Even if they hadn't had an affair would she still feel like this as he gets a formal and factual email from his ex once a week concerning his DD?

And you'll never know the answer to this because they did start out as an affair. It would be impossible to know how she would feel or act if they didn't. It has zero to do with being a stepmum though.

@Honeybeebloom that makes sense!

Can't be a very secure relationship but she was married too so she must think the same of herself!

@Honeybeebloom

Even if they hadn't had an affair would she still feel like this as he gets a formal and factual email from his ex once a week concerning his DD?

And you'll never know the answer to this because they did start out as an affair. It would be impossible to know how she would feel or act if they didn't. It has zero to do with being a stepmum though.

It's true. I guess I get the SM bit confused as that's the only reason we still have contact and it's always about DD.

Otherwise I'd happily never see exH again!

She is pathetic, and he is pathetic for playing her games.

She knows her partner is capable of being a lying cheat and can't stand the fact he talks to any woman, let alone one he used to have a relationship with.

If I were you I would block the himandher email, block her number and insist that any contact is directly between you and the ex. If she is paranoid she can monitor his phone but that's not your problem.

If he chooses not to go to nativity plays then that is his choice. If you choose to have a relationship with any members of his family then that is your choice.

I was the OW and I have no issue with DP communicating/ seeing his ex or seeing his adult children - although I find it a bit odd she is as involved as she is at their age, I really don’t see it as having anything to do with me.

This is an issue with him not really her. Her insecurities are from how the relationship started if he can sleep with her whilst his wife is heavily pregnant there is no boundary for her. You do not know what HE is saying to her either he could be complaining about the level of contsct/information you are giving him, painting you (and let's remember they had an affair so you would have been painted as the unreasonable wife throughout the start of the relationship) so there's no reason to say this is continuing.

My exh did exactly the same to me as yours (culminating in him leaving for OW when our DD was 6 weeks old) just hold your head high and get on with your life with DD I really wouldn't concern yourself with why she does xyz or why he does xyz just roll your eyes and move on. As long as he is having contact and you get to arrange it eventually leave them to their miserable untrustworthy relationship and concentrate on your life.

I tried to keep contact with friends within the family, friends that I had long had before exh come along however it just didn't work in the long run. I'm not connected to any of his family on social media or anything anymore 13 years on. Ultimately they just felt too torn and I needed to carve my own life out without being connected to his.

@parkerpop as I said each to their own. Personally? As I’ve said I’m firmly in the camp of give people their family members back as ultimately that’s where their loyalty lies. I also wouldn’t want to be sharing my private confidences with someone still close to my ex!

My best friend broke up with someone and has stayed In touch with his mum. The mum sits there slagging off his current girlfriends and saying that she wished he would get back with my friend! It’s so unboundaried on so many levels (and borderline stalker of my friend to retain that relationship vs realising that the grown up thing to do is basically withdraw and cut ties gradually). But she does it to keep tabs on him and get Intel - so I’m sorry, if an ex of my husband / partner was still pally with his family, yes I would have a huge issue with it. I would not trust that family member one iota.

@sassbott you say "give her back" like I took her? I actually knew her first so she's not exactly his to "take back"?

I was with her for almost 3hrs today and ex was barely mentioned.

I hadn't seen her during lockdown and it was her texting me asking to meet up.

Like I say we don't discuss him but I've said before that I understand if it's too awkward for her to see me. What I said in the past was "I've known you longer, I was closer to you the entire time you guys were together, he barely makes any effort with his brother anymore, why shouldn't I see my friends?"

I'm on talking terms with his mum and sister. In that if I bumped into them we'd chat and they're always lovely to me but I wouldn't go out my way to see them

We need to agree to disagree.

The boards here are full of stories of ex wives continuing to relationship with their exes family and it does cause issues in subsequent relationships. All with similar tales ‘I made more of an effort, I was closer to xyz…’
To me, it really doesn’t matter. They are your exes family, be boundaried. I could bump into my exh’s family and be perfectly cordial/ pass the time of day/ exchange niceties. That’s very different to spending 3 hours 121 with my ex SIL.

If I was your exh’s partner, I wouldn’t trust that person one bit knowing they were still such firm friends with you. As such that will impact his family and his family relations. Now you may say you don’t care - fine. That’s your (and her) choice. But surely you can’t sit here and hand on heart say you know that doesn’t cause issues?
Of course it does and you’re antagonising the situation.

And I say that as an EXW who was also cheated on. Who cares, it’s done and dusted. My marriage is over. His actions don’t mean I get to act unboundaried and cause issues in his subsequent relationship (he too was with the OW for a period of time).
All I want is my children to be happy, and that means doing what needs to be done to let go and ensure my exH / his partner are happy building their life. To me, that included no longer having a relationship with his family (in particular his mum and one SIL whom I too was great friends with).

OP I don't really like my DP having an ex that is still a presence and with whom he made such life altering decisions that affect us now, in the beginning in particular that can throw up all kinds of strong emotions that are really hard to deal with, as you live through the seemingly endless ramifications. I can empathise with her feelings, absolutely, and I think they are common.

I can't empathise with her actions. This is a particularly controlling and unreasonable person, acting on feelings most reasonable people would keep a lid on. You've been unlucky.

As a step mum of almost 9 years I would never want to pull any of that!
I am quite organised and need a plan type of woman. My DH and his ex are both very fly by the seat of your pants in terms of contact. I struggling massively with that so over the years we have become more structure and the ex has occasionally through it in my DH face that he has changed because of me.... but it's only when she wants to change plans last minute or is unhappy because we have pre arranged plans and can't help her out.
I would never want the contact to go through me I couldn't think of anything worse! 😂 I actually wish they would have more contact to make thugs easier such as birthdays / parents evening / graduations

OP - I think you are getting a hard time - and I completely get where you are coming from.

I think this is a unique OW SM issue - of which there are plenty of OWs who become SMs and likewise plenty of SMS who are not OWs.

She and your EX are the issue, what they both did was wrong and they know it. Guilt is a very difficult thing to control and you and your daughter are an absolute constant reminder of what they did. That you had a good co parenting relationship whilst she stayed with her DH - shows you can both do it and the change is being driven by her.

As to dumping my ex inlaws. They chose to stay friends with me, after 20 yrs they were very clear that just because their son chose a new partner did not mean he got to choose their friends. They have been so supportive and kind and I am eternally grateful to them for maintaining a relationship with the DCS - because Ex and OW fell out with them big style and contact stopped for the 2 years they were together.

Don't try to understand people whose morals are pretty low and have their own issues. Do as you are - carry on, polite but do not give up your friends. They do not have the right to tell you who you can be friends with or tell your friends who they can be friends with. You lose enough of your so called friends when a divorce happens - in my case, those that shunned me have all tried to make amends as the sad sorry debacle unfolded. ( I am polite but frankly you made a choice based on lies and you are no longer friends in my inner circle)

My first step Mum was the OW and was exactly like this, and worse. She hated our existence. Don’t shag a married man with kids then hun The damage to me was huge, it went on for over a decade.

My Dads third wife is amazing, wasn’t the OW, is one of my favourite people and took a lot of shit from teenage me because I was terrified she’d be like his second wife.

So yeah, you have an OW and ExH problem, not a Step Mum problem.

She's scum. Having an affair with the husband of newborn tells you all you need to know about her. He's just as bad.

I disagree with those saying it's not a stepmom issue - if she's willing to behave like that she'll be willing to treat your dc badly/unfairly. Shitty people dont tend to change, they have no moral compass.

Always stand up to bullies. Maintain your friendship with your ex sil. She's taken enough from you. Who the hell does she think she is trying to control your friendships? It stems from insecurity I guess - she knows she can't trust him.

I dislike OHs ex because she is illogical, because she spent the first 12 months of our relationship trying to split us up, because OH was diagnosed with PTSD from dealing with her, because she slept with 2 of OHs friends after they split. The list goes on.

No idea re your situation but you asked for experiences and that's mine

@parkerpop you shouldn't have to give up a friendship that existed before your relationship and I say that as an exw who did stand back from exh's family whom I got on with very well. However, I met them all after meeting exh - that's the difference.
I was in a similar situation to you & @bogoffmda is correct in saying they are driven by guilt & there's nothing you can do about that.
I will say though that your ex is 100% at fault here. Sure his partner's behaviour is excessive & deplorable, but he's allowing it to happen & there's probably not much you can do about that either.
Keep communications to a minimum but keep sending them to your ex & not her & see how that plays out.

It comes across like your slightly obsessed with each other to be honest. You are very involved with the he said / she said business.

End of the day if your ex is under the thumb as you say ... why is that your problem now.

It's their relationship. I wouldn't allow this to take up your head space. So long as kids are fine and arrangements made what's the issue.

You can't control what goes on in their household. And when kids are 18 there is nothing legally tieing you to the ex anymore. I'd just move on.

@67getago23

It comes across like your slightly obsessed with each other to be honest. You are very involved with the he said / she said business.

End of the day if your ex is under the thumb as you say ... why is that your problem now.

It's their relationship. I wouldn't allow this to take up your head space. So long as kids are fine and arrangements made what's the issue.

You can't control what goes on in their household. And when kids are 18 there is nothing legally tieing you to the ex anymore. I'd just move on.

I agree with this.

Also to add you know he is a liar and a cheat, so you know he's lying to both of you all the time.

For your own mental health disengage. Be pleased that you don't actually have to talk to him in person and just need to send him an email once a week.

OP, his wife' s rules and regulations are probably not limited to you. She knows with absolute certainty that he is a liar given that he lied to you about his actions and whereabouts during you marriage. She knows that he cannot be believed when he says that he is at place x or doing thing y.

She is secure in this knowledge because she took part in the lying. She knows that he will complain and share personal details about his marriage with other women because he did that with her.

It is not you that she is attempting to control; it is him that she is desperate to control and keep. She likely keeps a very taught leash on him and his interactions with all women.

She is probably very aware of his character band his proclivities. It is not personal,; it is just the business of being married to a cheater.

You are giving this far more thought than it merits. Manage your interactions with him in the way that is most convenient for you, and forget about all of her rules and regulations.

I'm a stepmum, not OW. Can confirm I don't care either way about his ex's existence. I don't hate her, I don't like her. I am indifferent. I don't want her contacting me though that would be weird for someone I've never met.

HTH

@67getago23 @RedMarauder
I agree I'm need to give her less headspace. I don't usually think about it this much but this week's rant was a final straw as I don't know why either exH or OW think it's any of threat business who I go for lunch with and I get annoyed that they think they can control me.

The rest i usually shrug it off and I've actually been laughing about her pathetic attempts to make contact only via her. The his/her email address actually reminded me of my first bf when I was about 14!

I have no desire to context my ex unless necessary or speak to him at pick up but it's the fact she thinks she can control me that's winding me up. Feels a bit like a power struggle tbh. The more she feels she's losing the worse she gets

I am a step mother and consider myself a step mother step person.

What you have experienced is completely representative of step mothers, we all behave like this.

HTH.

*spoke person

OP on another thread on this board a poster posted about this podcast.

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/infidelity-how-do-we-trust-and-fully-love-again/id1564530722?i=1000522996320

(I found the link so it may be incorrect).

Anyway it would be worth you listening to it so you work out how to act indifferent to him and actually feel the indifference.

Once you are indifferent to him and his shit, and maintain your boundaries he can't control you directly or indirectly through his gf.

Is there a way of getting details about your shifts more in advance? If your children are under 11 or have a disability it is normal to need to arrange childcare for them in advance so it isn't an odd thing to ask an employer. That way you could decrease the number of messages you send to him to biweekly or once a month.

Also why is your friend (or the rest of his family) telling him that you had a meal out with her? It is none of his business if you are truly long-standing friends , and telling him this information is her (or other members of his family) deliberately feeding into the drama. This is why other posters are telling you not to maintain a relationship with anyone in his family unless you continue to want conflict with him.