A question for step mums....

[parkerpop]

Ok so I'm not a step mum myself but thought this might be the best board to get some insights/advice.....

Bit of background (makes it a long post but I think it's relevant).I have an 8yo DD from my previous marriage, we were together 12 years, married 9 and I was really close with all his family as he was with mine....

Me ExH then started an affair when my DD was 6 weeks old, and this went on for 1year + before I found out. Me & exH split. OW stayed with her DH and tried to work on marriage for a further 3 years.

After initial shock and anger me and exH were civil and co-parenting well, but both had moved on, no interest in each other apart from parenting our DD and doing the best for her.

Fast forward 3 years and OW left her DH and got together with my exH. This is when all the trouble started. She cannot stand me and my exH is completely under the thumb.

He was told he was no longer allowed to talk to me face to face at handovers. All communication was to be done via text. We communicate very rarely, only ever about change of days, holidays, DDs health.
Then the OW decided she didn't like this either so decided that the best solution was for me to communicate with directly with HER and she would let me know if changes of dates, holidays etc suited "US" (i.e. my ex and her).
I wasn't happy with this as I'm not asking her for permission to take my DD for an extra day for weekends away etc.
Newest solution is that all communication to be done via email. This includes a new email address specific for this purpose and has been set up as "HerName&[email protected]"

Think this was intended to wind me up but secretly gave me a laugh, showed me how controlled he is etc. but outwardly I just said "sure, no problem"

Most recent thing tho was this after in I went for lunch with a friend of 20+ years. This friend happens to be my exHs brothers wife (so my ex sister in law). I met her before I met my exh and we've always stayed in touch.
Anyway, she's apparently just had a tirade of abuse from my ExH for going for lunch with me. Apparently he doesn't want his family to speak to me as it causes problems with OW as she feels I'm "never going to go away"

OP the reason she is paranoid is because like all of us, she judges everyone by her own standards. She probably imagines you have positioned yourself in direct competition with her and there is a battle going on. Of course this battle is all in her head.

Or it could be that their relationship began with all the excitement of an illicit affair and is not pretty mundane so they are both trying to recreate some of that drama.

Your ex's actions of abusing your friend, his SIL are disgraceful. Her husband, his brother should chew him out for it. Why should you 'give her back'. Absolutely no way would I be dictated to on friendships I had prior to my marriage.

Now to try to give a personal insight as that is what I've been asked for; I am a stepmum but was not the OW. There was no OW, they were living separately for two years and had been living separately a year prior to that in their family large house. His then wife ended the marriage. In my youth I often suffered from the green-eyed monster when it came to ex girlfriends. However, now as a person entering into a relationship with a man with children and an ex wife I knew there was absolutely no justification for that. There were kids to consider. As my parents had a very acrimojiosu divorce and subsequent unpleasant partners I was determined I would do my utmost to make it as painless as possible. I didn't feel threatened at all by her tbh, it was very obvious any feelings he had for her had passed and my line of reasoning was that if you go to the trouble of dissolving a marriage you are very serious about the split.

So no I don't feel jealous or threatened. I did my best to keep things stress-free, amicable and welcoming to her. However she is a very bitter devious person and for reasons known only to herself (she has a new partner and had no interest in my partner) she did her best to make trouble for us. So I now refuse to engage with her at all. Unlike you, she was trying to direct contact through me. I have her blocked everywhere and life is so much easier.

She holds the reins tightly on her relationships with his family. I don't care. They live in another country and frankly are horrible people so she's welcome to them. She gets no ammunition or leverage through it.

I don't think she is trying to control you OP just control her environment.
And I have a joint email with my husband purely because joint documents are solely digital now. Setting up a household email made sense. Rather than forwarding communication on.

Their relationship set up is their business. It's just simply has nothing to do with you. And what your ex'd family chose to do is their choice. The step mum can voice an opinion on whether she likes you seeing your exes family. It's their choice on what to do with that information.

If they want complete transparency of communication that goes from yourself to them, that's their perogative. Whether it is jealously or mistrust is down to the details of their household. I think letting go is the best course of action, you can't make someone engage with you if they choose not to. This is only a battle if you make it. I would simply play along communicate when needed through the channels they desire and get on with my life. There is a big wide world out there, why focus on negativity in a relationship that I am not apart of.

@RedMarauder

OP on another thread on this board a poster posted about this podcast.

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/infidelity-how-do-we-trust-and-fully-love-again/id1564530722?i=1000522996320

(I found the link so it may be incorrect).

Anyway it would be worth you listening to it so you work out how to act indifferent to him and actually feel the indifference.

Once you are indifferent to him and his shit, and maintain your boundaries he can't control you directly or indirectly through his gf.

Is there a way of getting details about your shifts more in advance? If your children are under 11 or have a disability it is normal to need to arrange childcare for them in advance so it isn't an odd thing to ask an employer. That way you could decrease the number of messages you send to him to biweekly or once a month.

Also why is your friend (or the rest of his family) telling him that you had a meal out with her? It is none of his business if you are truly long-standing friends , and telling him this information is her (or other members of his family) deliberately feeding into the drama. This is why other posters are telling you not to maintain a relationship with anyone in his family unless you continue to want conflict with him.

Thanks so much for the link! Definitely sounds like it'll help.

When we email on the Sunday it's to arrange the dates for 2 weeks ahead, not the upcoming week. We do it that way so we have almost 2 weeks notice.

My exH seen that my friend "checked in" to the restaurant with me on fb. I was tagged but am I obviously not friends with my ex on fb. When it all kicked off yesterday I said maybe we should be more discreet about meeting up (I don't want her to feel caught in the middle) but she always posts everything on fb and doesn't see why she should change her behaviour to keep him happy 🤷🏻‍♀️

I never got on with my SD's mother, I hated her with a passion.....but I feel that way about all drug dealers.

HTH

@67getago23

I don't think she is trying to control you OP just control her environment. And I have a joint email with my husband purely because joint documents are solely digital now. Setting up a household email made sense. Rather than forwarding communication on.

Their relationship set up is their business. It's just simply has nothing to do with you. And what your ex'd family chose to do is their choice. The step mum can voice an opinion on whether she likes you seeing your exes family. It's their choice on what to do with that information.

If they want complete transparency of communication that goes from yourself to them, that's their perogative. Whether it is jealously or mistrust is down to the details of their household. I think letting go is the best course of action, you can't make someone engage with you if they choose not to. This is only a battle if you make it. I would simply play along communicate when needed through the channels they desire and get on with my life. There is a big wide world out there, why focus on negativity in a relationship that I am not apart of.

Tbh I accepted the joint email address and have been emailing it with no issue. It was set up as a dedicated email address for us to correspond. Obviously they can share log on details but they way the name was set up was as if it was to deliberately annoy me. All it did was give me a chuckle about how controlled he is.

I didn't even react when they shared the new email address but it was done directly after I said I wanted no contact with OW and didn't want her contacting me. I have no need to speak to her, anything to do with my dd should go through her dad and he can choose to give her access if she wants. But say I want to swap a contact day im not asking for her permission when it's his permission I need.

As I say it's not been upsetting me. Up until the incident over lunch I've been finding it quite amusing!

We gave each other our families back.

That is such an immature and self involved perspective. She's not going there for Sunday lunch.

It was your ex and OW who didn't understand or respect the concept of boundaries. I don't see why you should lose a good friendship because of that.

How is it immature and self involved? My exh cheated on me. His family would have been mortified and inherently judgemental of him whilst wanting to support me. Basically creating conflict within a family. That conflict would have impacted my children.
By giving him his family back, I essentially completely removed that. Allowing his family to support him through our separation and spend wider family time together with all the siblings and cousins. That meant our children and their father had a uncomplicated relationship with the paternal side of their family.

My actions are the polar opposite of self involved and immature actually.

What I also find interesting is the amount of threads (where an exw is causing a SM issues by remaining involved with an exh’s family), the overwhelming consensus is the EXW is in fact unboundaried.

The only difference here seems to be that the SM was the OW.

So what were actually saying is.
There are sets of rules for if the SM is the OW.
There are sets of rules for if the SM is not the Ow.

It's immature and self-involved because these are other people with relationships and attachments that don't belong to you. You don't give people back. Are you really suggesting the OP shouldn't hang out with her friend, simply because her friend is related to her ex? Don't be so ridiculous.

I originally felt bad for you. Then I realised you have deliberately come onto a forum for stepmums to ask why we are all shitty people...

This is nothing to do with being a step mum and everything to do with being the OW.

Those are 2 very different things thank you

I'm struggling to see how I'm unboundaried?

I have bare minimum communication, no interaction with OW. But OW seems to think that she can dictate my friendships.

Yeah the situation might make her uncomfortable but why should I ditch a friend cos she shagged my exH? As far as I'm concerned her being unhappy about me seeing a friend is a consequence of her action and she needs to suck it up.

Am I supposed to tip toe around in case I upset this poor delicate woman's feelings? Such a shame for her eh?

It is the OW who is being unboundaried. ExH should be able to arrange to see his child without her involvement. If they need to coordinate their diaries they can do that amongst themselves. It's not your problem. I would never dream of inserting myself into my DP's arrangements with his Ex and DC in such a way. The OW is obviously extremely insecure.

Then carry on seeing your friend OP ... end of the day they can't control what you do or who you see.

However, they can set clear boundaries on how and when they communicate to you.

I am starting to think you also are quite fixated on the OW. I mean at this point she isn't even the other woman anymore. She's your exes partner. Why does her opinion affect you so much.

Quite simply, would her life be more simple without you in it ... probably
Does she probably wish she didn't have to deal with creating boundaries and communicating with you .... probably
Does she wish that her partners family cut you off so she can be the main woman in his life and not reminded of you ... most likey.
Does she want to be the number 1 woman in his life and you to be a distant memory... yep

There, you have a psychoanalysis of her recent actions.

Not sure what this changes or why your bothered.

Well I'm not sure why this was posted on this board but...

why would either of them hate me so much and have so many issues with me?

Because she's aware of how she got together with your ex and is worried he'll do the same to her would be my guess. So she thinks by limiting his contact with you it'll prevent it from happening. I imagine in her mind your the most logical person for him to turn to or 'go back to'.

I'd be tempted to send an email saying that unfortunately this way of communication doesn't work for you and you will be going back to how it was done originally. Then stick to that!

I disagree with those saying it's not a stepmom issue - if she's willing to behave like that she'll be willing to treat your dc badly/unfairly. Shitty people dont tend to change, they have no moral compass

I think what people mean is it's not inherently a step mother issue as in this lady is probably just a twat and it's nothing to do with the fact she's a step parent.

Coming onto the step parenting board and asking step parents to explain why this woman is acting this way is obviously implying you think it's a certain type of person who is a step parent (other women who hate the ex wife and want to make her miserable and control her ex husband) and honestly that's just bloody ridiculous.

I can't explain this woman's behaviour anymore because I'm a step parent than I could if I was not.

And I'm not the other woman, never have been, get on fine with my husband's ex and am a pretty nice person I think 🤷‍♀️ so how am I supposed to explain this woman to OP simply because I happen to share one thing in common with her which is that my husband has children from a previous relationship.

@FeckingPuddleDuck
My question was:
does she feel like this simply because I still have contact with my exH and she hates hearing my DD talking about me (regardless of whether she was the OW or not)
Or is it made worse by the fact she was the OW?

You've answered my question as I suspected it was the latter.
If the latter I have even less sympathy as they've created this situation themselves as it's a direct consequence of their actions

Frankly m, it is annoying when the kids talk about their mum, I think most SM would agree. It’s also annoying when you have a high conflict ex that keeps you on edge whenever she texts/calls. We keep it to the bare minimum contact (plans/emergencies), nothing further required.

Our kids talk about their other parents . They talk about friends and teachers from the school and friends from their various sports teams. In summary, they talk about their daily encounters. It would be pretty immature of us to be bothered about them talking about their other parent. In fact it would be very concerning if they did not.

I cannot understand the notion of not wanting your spouse 's family to remain friendly and involved with your ex if a friendship and bond has developed between them.

Both my husband and I are friendly with our respective in-laws and are often invited to family events. We are all adults and at these events we are all celebrating and acknowledging our common bonds the children that we all love and the friendship that has developed amongst us. No one is so insecure as to feel that their status is challenged or disrespected. Nor does anyone view these events as a loyalty test. If my ex and I were to be having disagreements , that would be viewed as something personal between the 2'of us, and no one else would feel a need to take a side or pick a team .

My parents often have my ex and his wife over for dinner. My ex's wife goes over to bake bread with my mom. My husband knows that my parents like him very much, and he is not in the least bit bothered or concerned by their relationship.

It would be quite presumptive on our part to feel that our former in-laws were property or possessions to be "given back" after the divorce. All of these people are adults who are free to choose which relationships that they wish to continue and who they wish to invite as guests to events that they host in their homes.

When we marry into a family, we should be welcomed into the existing fold. The family is and should not be expected to reconfigure their existing structure to conform to some notion of family that we bring with us. If I were ever to suggest to my mom that she should not invite my ex to her home she would promptly have said to me that she reared me better than to think that I had a right to tell anyone (her included) who could or could not be invited into their home. She functions on the idea " her house, her rules.

@Rachstep

Frankly m, it is annoying when the kids talk about their mum, I think most SM would agree. It’s also annoying when you have a high conflict ex that keeps you on edge whenever she texts/calls. We keep it to the bare minimum contact (plans/emergencies), nothing further required.

I get the high conflict ex part.

I don't understand being annoyed by a child talking about a parent? 🤯

[quote parkerpop]@FeckingPuddleDuck
My question was:
does she feel like this simply because I still have contact with my exH and she hates hearing my DD talking about me (regardless of whether she was the OW or not)
Or is it made worse by the fact she was the OW?

You've answered my question as I suspected it was the latter.
If the latter I have even less sympathy as they've created this situation themselves as it's a direct consequence of their actions[/quote]
In fairness it could just as easily be the former. Just as people project thoughts and feelings onto step parents when they have no experience of being one, people no doubt project thoughts and feelings onto being the OW. They assume they will feel certain ways but they don't actually know. It is possible that she feels the same way many SP do, but just isn't a very nice person so responds badly.

Well, that’s good for you but unfortunately not everyone is in such a simplistic situation. Not everyone can sit around the camp fire, holding hands and singing happily. There are so many variants and no 2 ‘blended’ families are the same.

@Tiredoftattler

@parkerpop why would I want to hear about my partners ex all the time? Why would anyone?
It’s an internal annoyance, I’d never tell the kids to stop doing it but I’m allowed to be quietly peeved by it.