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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU to not do club runs?

129 replies

OiOiMikey · 22/06/2021 13:39

My husband has a habit of trying to push or 'hint' for me to do more than I'm comfortable doing with DSC.

The latest thing is clubs. DSC have recently started a particular hobby which is on multiple days a week, often when they are with us.

DH hates coming home from work and having to go back out for hours to do this and the hints have started about me maybe taking them sometimes.

AIBU to say no? Probably sounds awful but I've zero interest in spending my evenings driving to and then staying to watch this and think between the two (Mum and Dad) they should be able to arrange it themselves if they are happy for their DC to do these things.

I help out with things when needed but I have. DC of my own and I have no desire to sacrifice time spent with them running around to various clubs in the evening.

OP posts:

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MrsOwly · 22/06/2021 13:43

On what basis does he think you should do it?

Do you not work or have lots of free time?

Does he do this for your kids?

excelledyourself · 22/06/2021 13:46

YANBU. They shouldn't have signed them up for something if they can't commit to taking them between then both. Would he have recruited a third person to do clubs if he was still living with the mum?

redastherose · 22/06/2021 13:46

YANBU his children his job to do the club runs and quite frankly he should want to do them. Definitely not your responsibility, ignore the hints or tell him straight, they are his kids and he agreed to them doing the club not you, you had zero input in that decision so you will not be badgered into doing it.

Triffid1 · 22/06/2021 13:46

I think it sort of depends. Does he want you to do it because he's sitting on his butt watching TV and drinking beer? Or is it that he struggles with their timetable and is asking you, as his partner, for help? Similarly, does it massively inconvenience you/your DC or is it a minor inconvenience now and again?

Because this is the key difference for me. He's your partner so you should want to help and be supportive, including to the DSC. But if it's just that he wants to palm tasks off on the woman, then frankly, that's totally unacceptable.

MaMelon · 22/06/2021 13:48

If he helps you on the days when you’re working or have other commitments that take up similar amounts of time as his work then YABU.

Need a bit more info!

excelledyourself · 22/06/2021 13:50

I also think it would be pretty sad for his DC to see he was so uninterested in their hobbies.

I didn't always love the running about involved for clubs, especially when I didn't drive. Buy they were for my DC's benefit and I would never have let them feel I resented that.

thelegohooverer · 22/06/2021 13:50

I don’t really understand the point of having contact time with dc if you don’t spend it with them, and palm it off on the nearest available woman. It’s really important to dc that their dps watch them perform, even in low key ways in groups and clubs. I don’t think you’d be doing anyone any favours here by taking them. Definitely his job.

Iloveacurry · 22/06/2021 13:50

It would depend really. Does he run your DC around to activities?

Brakebackcyclebot · 22/06/2021 13:54

Need more info...

I'm a mum and 2nd wife. I woukd hate it if my DH refused to ever take either of my DCs anywhere. Picking up, dropping off - I would be upset if he said no to that as a blanket decision.

But I would never ask him to take them to something where he had to wait for an hour in the cold. That's too much!

What are we talking about here - the odd lift for a teen, or taking a 5 year old to football practice where you have to watch in the rain?

Original poster

OiOiMikey · 22/06/2021 13:55

Sorry I should have clarified, he is our DCs father too. They are too young for clubs but obviously if they were it would be a bit different as he's their Dad.

He doesn't struggle to do it in the sense he doesn't have time or has other commitments. He just doesn't want to do it after working all day/is tired.

I usually work but am on maternity currently so pretty tired myself with a baby.

I don't have any say over what DSC get signed up for or when or where obviously. But equally I don't feel I should then have to pick that up because it's now a hassle.

OP posts:

Original poster

OiOiMikey · 22/06/2021 13:56

What are we talking about here - the odd lift for a teen, or taking a 5 year old to football practice where you have to watch in the rain?

Not football but similar where I'd have to wait and watch for an hour.

OP posts:

Original poster

OiOiMikey · 22/06/2021 13:57

@Iloveacurry

It would depend really. Does he run your DC around to activities?

He is their Dad too so different.

OP posts:

MsMarch · 22/06/2021 13:58

So he just doesn't feel like it and so you should do it? I'd be nipping that in the bud right now, not just for your DSC but for your DC together too. I might have some sympathy if he's particularly knackered for some reason, but if you're on mat leave, the last thing you want to do is haul other kids to activities. There's a reason people joke about second and subsequent children having to bring themselves up!!

MiddleParking · 22/06/2021 13:58

@OiOiMikey

Sorry I should have clarified, he is our DCs father too. They are too young for clubs but obviously if they were it would be a bit different as he's their Dad.

He doesn't struggle to do it in the sense he doesn't have time or has other commitments. He just doesn't want to do it after working all day/is tired.

I usually work but am on maternity currently so pretty tired myself with a baby.

I don't have any say over what DSC get signed up for or when or where obviously. But equally I don't feel I should then have to pick that up because it's now a hassle.

Wow, he’s got some brass neck!

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/06/2021 13:58

Doesn’t like going out after work? Then he should have thought about that before committing to such a frequent even activity. Were you consulted before they made this commitment and your involvement requested?

Why on earth would he think you’d want to give up time with your own DC, or drag them with you, while spending an evening waiting for his?

No more info needed at all. He seems to think his free time is more valuable than yours. It wouldn’t matter if you were a SAHM with a fleet of nannies, a cleaner and a chef and he was funding all of it. His responsibilities to his child(ren) are still his.

Ignore hints, that’s pathetic. Decline requests because you want to.

MiddleParking · 22/06/2021 14:00

Also, what a shit thing to be happy to do to his kids on his contact time. I’m staying at home tonight, your stepmother will take you to gymnastics. Just because I can’t be arsed.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/06/2021 14:00

X post. Cheeky lazy fucker. Is he suggesting you take the baby with you?

Next time he mentions it just laugh and assume he must be joking.

Londono · 22/06/2021 14:01

I'm currently getting divorced from my DH and one of the things I regret doing is giving so much of myself as a stepparent. I was run ragged and took on too much and it hasn't served me well in the long run. If he and his ex want their dc to go then they can make the transport arrangements. Having boundaries is important.

PurpleyBlue · 22/06/2021 14:03

He just doesn't want to do it after working all day/is tired.

He should have signed them up then. They have two parents who can sort it between themselves.

PurpleyBlue · 22/06/2021 14:03

shouldn't

BlingLoving · 22/06/2021 14:04

What's interesting about this is it so neatly highlights why so many single mums despair about their ex's. DS' BF is one of three. He goes to NO outside activities. Partly because his Dad refuses to help pay and his mum can't afford it, and partly because his Dad refuses to take him or his siblings to such things. He claims, of course, that it's because he wants the DC to be with him during his contact time, but naturally doesn't see the harm he's doing by not letting the kids do anything. She was going to sign them up for Football and realised she'd be paying for a term but, at best, the DC would go half the time.

UhtredRagnarson · 22/06/2021 14:05

Stand firm. Say no. You will do more than your fair share of running to clubs with your own Dc. I have to say it wouldn’t fill me with great expectations that your DH will do his fair share running your joint DC to clubs if he’s already slacking off with his older DC! He needs to do this. He signed them up, he is their parent. Can’t be arsed isn’t a valid reason to ask someone else to do it. “Stuck in a meeting/train/car broke down” is valid. Can’t be arsed gets face until he realises how ridiculous he is being.

Beamur · 22/06/2021 14:06

I never took my DSC to clubs. Would give them lifts and drop them off at school, but anything that requires you to hang around - nope. Parents job.

FishyFriday · 22/06/2021 14:06

He needs to recognise that anything you do for his children is really a favour to him. You have no obligation to be the cricket club taxi service (or whatever it is). I bet you'd be more willing to help him out if it weren't positioned as an obligation.

OTOH my H does nothing to help me with my son's sporting hobby. Between us my ex and I organise getting him to and from all 6 training sessions a week, and to events. I don't expect or ask my H to do it.

That would all be fine, but my H tends to be obstructive about the sport. He wants to try to force me to stop DS doing it and make him drop down to a fitness squad instead of the high level competitive squad he currently trains with. So he refuses to 'help' me by looking after the baby (his son!) so I can take DS to training.

Yet, he's annoyed that I won't do school runs for the SC, or look after SS so he can take SD to the club he's signed her up to. He's got no legs to stand on given how absolutely unreasonable he is about not looking after his own child because that is somehow asking him to do something for DS and his sport.

The sport is bloody swimming (which isn't outing because there are 7 million swimming clubs in this country) so this manifests as (I'm not joking) me having to take the baby out at 5am because his father won't look after him in case he wakes up while I spend 15 minutes taking my son to the local pool. It infuriates me because he cannot see that he is responsible for the baby. I'm not asking a favour of him in expecting him to look after his own child!

The point of all this is really that I can totally understand the monotony and arduousness of club sport activities for kids. And I really do understand the issues in a blended family. In your situation I totally agree that you don't have to do it. It's the parents' responsibility. If you agree to help your husband out sometimes, he needs to recognise that it is not an obligation but you being kind to him. And he should be grateful.

I think the notion of what is a responsibility and what is a favour often gets very confused in some blended families. And that leads to resentment in all sorts of ways. So it might be useful to discuss and clarify this with your husband.

Original poster

OiOiMikey · 22/06/2021 14:09

It wasn't actually DH who signed them up but they like going so he obviously doesn't want to say they can't.

He isn't asking about every time but sometimes. But I'm reluctant to set off a trend. Emergency fine but yeah I don't want to get into a habit for any other reason.

When I responded that it's not how I wanted to spend my evenings I got a jokey 'what about if X (our DCs name) wanted to do it'. As if that's the same.

OP posts:

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