@Starseeking
Gosh
*@FishyFriday* this really resonated with me:
He's decided to replay his childhood issues in his adult life. And I'm cast in the role of his stepmum
My EXDP is carrying huge issues from his childhood. He was sent to boarding school at the age of 6 (not in the UK), never lived with his mum for any significant period of time, and when he was home (with his dad) from holidays had at least 4 stepmums over the years (only one of whom he liked, the rest were witches 
). He has such a very warped sense of reality, and has always made his DS his number one priority, at the expense of both of our DC, and can't see it. I was the scapegoat that it was easy to blame for everything.
Hugs to you, it's not easy 
That sounds like it was really tough. And frustrating for you. Does he recognise that he's got serious issues?
My H's replay is that his parents divorced when he was 9. His dad had an affair with the woman who has been his stepmum for over 30 years. That's terrible behaviour in FIL and SMIL's part obviously. But his mum is an awful person and FIL was probably desperate to end the marriage for years before it. I could not imagine living with someone as misanthropic and outright nasty as MIL.
His mum moved hundreds of miles with the kids to be near her parents and they lived in a tiny house (MIL's choice; FIL apparently offered to buy them a much bigger one but she refused) and MIL played the martyr ever since. She let the kids be almost feral and used the excuse that she was 'too stressed' to do anything.
FIL and SMIL moved too so that he could have EOW contact - which meant he was commuting long distances etc. SMIL changed jobs to accommodate this. Their house was quieter with rules and structure. In H's mind (and fuelled by his mother who has waged a campaign of parental alienation ever since he can remember - and it's worked on her younger two kids who have no relationship with their dad now), his SM was the killjoy and his dad was more fun when she wasn't around. FIL was (and is) the sort of dad who'd leave everything to his wife while he reads the paper.
His mum is poorly educated (her choice - she had opportunities and refused them) and has no ambition. FIL had an impressive career in senior management. SMIL had a decent career too in administration.
So what did H do with his life? Married a woman with no education and ambition who just isn't very nice and loves to play the martyr. Had 2 kids knowing full well it was not going to work out. It broke down (because of her infidelity - I didn't even know of his existence until after he'd filed for divorce). She chooses to live in a tiny house (she got all the equity and could have got a very small mortgage to buy a decent house where she chooses to live - very cheap housing; she could have had a decent 3 bed for under £100k without leaving the village she lives in - had she any desire to work at all, even PT on minimum wage she could have raised a mortgage of c. £30k over 35 years). She very clearly allows the kids to behave just as poorly as MIL let her children behave (we're talking playing football inside the house and scribbling on the walls, never saying please or thank you, filling them constantly with sweets and crisps and then wondering why they didn't eat their dinner).
H has a decent job (although not as impressive as FIL's career). I have a good career. My house has structure and rules. It always has. My kids have grown up with that. It's fun and warm and caring, but you play football in the garden (not the kitchen - while someone is trying to cook), you respect the people and things in the house and you eat meals at the table with reasonable manners and a reasonably varied and healthy diet (and so on).
So, I'm cast as SMIL - and doubly scapegoated on behalf of his kids and the kid he was.
The joy!
On topic for this thread though... my H got no clubs etc at all. MIL couldn't be arsed with that sort of thing. And she'd have complained she couldn't afford it as she'd been financially screwed over by her exH (except she wasn't at all - H has seen the consent order, and he knows that his dad just walked away and didn't claim his part of the house he'd been paying the mortgage on when the kids grew up too). So possibly he imagines clubs which require discipline and commitment are the sort of boring rules and structure upbringing he blames SMIL for insisting on in her house (and having to do all the work to achieve that).
SD only goes to a club now because I suggested it would be a good idea (I'm such an evil SM who hates the SC that I'm the one thinking about how to encourage activities she's interested in!). SS doesn't (although I have suggested football several times and told his father about really good classes nearby). The sticking point there will be that their mum won't care enough to take him to them (so it'd be fortnightly probably). She will take SD because she's the favourite.
Neither of the SC can swim - SD has had one week of lessons in her life, that I booked and took her to (and entertained her younger brother while she did them). I take the baby to baby swimming classes each week and I will continue to ensure he has lessons until he has properly learned to swim. I am perfectly capable of paying for this myself (and H knows it). DS genuinely is a good swimmer (he manages to achieve times that put him in the top 10 for his age group in the nation he's registered to swim for). At SD's age he had already completed the ASA swimming lessons to stage 10 and was part of a club. He's committed and works hard at it. It's admirable in so many ways.
All of this is to say... DS's swimming is such a sore point and he's so resistant to it because of all this bullshit around how he feels as a divorced father to the SC. DS being so good at something his kids can't do and don't have the opportunity to do because their parents just cannot be bothered with something as boring as booking and sitting through weekly lessons seems to really strike at all sorts of weak points in H. He's clearly resentful that DS has talent and drive, and parents who will put themselves out to support him (even though he's not going to be the world champion or anything - and that doesn't matter!). His kids won't be learning to swim and I am not longer at all willing to be the one who tries to ensure they do. I've suggested swim schools and such like. I don't even do that any more. It's not my job to ensure his kids are safe in the water. And I'm certainly not apologising for the fact my son can swim, and do it extremely well!