AIBU to not do club runs?

[OiOiMikey]

My husband has a habit of trying to push or 'hint' for me to do more than I'm comfortable doing with DSC.

The latest thing is clubs. DSC have recently started a particular hobby which is on multiple days a week, often when they are with us.

DH hates coming home from work and having to go back out for hours to do this and the hints have started about me maybe taking them sometimes.

AIBU to say no? Probably sounds awful but I've zero interest in spending my evenings driving to and then staying to watch this and think between the two (Mum and Dad) they should be able to arrange it themselves if they are happy for their DC to do these things.

I help out with things when needed but I have. DC of my own and I have no desire to sacrifice time spent with them running around to various clubs in the evening.

[quote RaeMumOf3]@aSofaNearYou - it isn’t a compromise to look out for your wellbeing of your whole family and consider someone else’s feelings. It is her business and clearly her problem as she is posting it here in the first place as it is happening to her family - regardless of blood relationships.

Whether you go to clubs or not. It has the potential to create resentment from everyone in the long run too, the dad who is too tired and feels that he isn’t getting help, the child who feels unwanted and a burden for making him go, no child should have to feel like that which is why I suggested a compromise my advice it was kindly meant and she doesn’t have to take it.[/quote]
Yes, all of that is a compromise (which was your own choice of words) as none of it is her responsibility, you are talking from the assumption that it isn't, which though you might not realise it, is an offensive guilt trip. He has no right to be resentful that he is tired from looking after HIS children and not "getting help", it's purely his job. That is the reality of the situation. If OP feels no need to give up time with her own child to bond with her DSC that's entirely her choice.

@aSofaNearYou - yes I suggested an alternative option that may suit the family as a whole - it in no way was meant offensively or to be a guilt trip. I was kindly reminding everyone that on some level you take responsibility for your stepchildren when you marry a man who has them.

For all I know they may prefer to spend the time with their father. In which case perhaps OP might be able to make life easier for her DH later that day if he is tired - make dinner or not do night shifts with the baby so he can have extra rest. Or if he is really tired just drive them there and collect them.

Ultimately I think the goal is to do what is in the best interests of the child. I don’t think it is a guilt trip to consider multiple options.

I was kindly reminding everyone that on some level you take responsibility for your stepchildren when you marry a man who has them.

Because none of us have ever heard that one before. However 'kindly' the reminder. 🙄

Except that you do not legally take any responsibility for your stepchildren when you marry someone with kids. Nor do you in so many practical ways. The children remain their parents' responsibility. They are not your children. And this is an important factor in stepfamily life.

It's a blended family. It's in no way like a nuclear family. Dad's wife is not a substitute mum who gets to take on all the crap drudge work so he can sit on his arse and relax after work.

Plus driving a kid to hockey club and then hanging around for an hour before driving them home is not some lovely bonding time. It's a repetitive, boring and thankless task.

And surely 'the best interests of the child' is for their father to get off his arse and take them to trampoline class.

If we're going to couch it all in the language if children's rights, then the entire point of contact is to ensure the child's right to a relationship with both their parents is upheld. So their father can bloody do it.

It helps no one to harp on about how SMs need to work 'for the good of the whole family' and 'in the best interests of the children' like this. Especially since no one says the same thing when the SM wants any control over what happens in her house. No. She needs to stop being selfish and just adhere to the small print in her marriage contract (that no one told her about) that somehow means she gets no say in what clubs the kids do but must do the taxi service bit nonetheless.

For all I know they may prefer to spend the time with their father. In which case perhaps OP might be able to make life easier for her DH later that day if he is tired - make dinner or not do night shifts with the baby so he can have extra rest. Or if he is really tired just drive them there and collect them.

Oh come on! - he’s driving his children to an activity, hanging around, driving home again. He isn’t hiking the Sahara with them strapped to his back! He doesn’t need to be treated like some kind of conquering hero for such basic parenting.

I think I'd probably muck in once a week, as it doesn't sound like he gets to see your younger dc often in the week.
I don't mind a once a week club, it's an hour to relax and waste time on my phone

@Mumoftwoinprimary

For all I know they may prefer to spend the time with their father. In which case perhaps OP might be able to make life easier for her DH later that day if he is tired - make dinner or not do night shifts with the baby so he can have extra rest. Or if he is really tired just drive them there and collect them.

Oh come on! - he’s driving his children to an activity, hanging around, driving home again. He isn’t hiking the Sahara with them strapped to his back! He doesn’t need to be treated like some kind of conquering hero for such basic parenting.

I'd put quite a lot of money on it that the SM is already making dinner and doing all the night shifts for this poor, exhausted hero. 🙄

Why on Earth should she work hard to reward and compensate him for taking his own children to squash?

The 1950s are wondering where their gender roles and values have wandered off to. Someone let them know they've made an appearance on this thread.

I think if I agreed to this, DSC and I would probably go for pizza or a burger afterwards and would be arriving home after dinner, bath and bed has been done for the little one.

[quote RaeMumOf3]@aSofaNearYou - yes I suggested an alternative option that may suit the family as a whole - it in no way was meant offensively or to be a guilt trip. I was kindly reminding everyone that on some level you take responsibility for your stepchildren when you marry a man who has them.

For all I know they may prefer to spend the time with their father. In which case perhaps OP might be able to make life easier for her DH later that day if he is tired - make dinner or not do night shifts with the baby so he can have extra rest. Or if he is really tired just drive them there and collect them.

Ultimately I think the goal is to do what is in the best interests of the child. I don’t think it is a guilt trip to consider multiple options.[/quote]
That's not a kindly reminder, and it IS an offensive guilt trip because it isn't true. You don't take responsibility for your step children when you marry their dad. You accept your husband's responsibility for them.

If my husband was chronically tired because of something to do with his working hours to provide for us, or night wakings with our joint child, then I would consider it my job to try and make life easier for him. It's not my job if he's tired because of taking his kids to their hobby. He chose to have all those kids, he needs to deal with that while I deal with the reality of choosing to have one kid.

If you’re gonna have an us and them mentality then you’ve lost already. You’re right it doesn’t hurt to muck in once in a while and get the kids out the house socialising! (This is what I was referring to when talking about their best interests! As they have been cooped up for a whole year!) They are part of your family and as a family unit you should try and make it work together!

The suggestion about doing the driving was Due to not knowing how tiring his day is so he genuinely might be too tired to drive safely that is what I was getting at. I am not taking his side if he WFH sitting at a computer then logic would suggest he should be fine. Equally he might be an ER doctor and just worked a 12 hr shift.

It's not a terribly unreasonable question if he is spending that time with the baby instead. Would be different if he expected you to take them too!

@RaeMumOf3

If you’re gonna have an us and them mentality then you’ve lost already. You’re right it doesn’t hurt to muck in once in a while and get the kids out the house socialising! (This is what I was referring to when talking about their best interests! As they have been cooped up for a whole year!) They are part of your family and as a family unit you should try and make it work together!

The suggestion about doing the driving was Due to not knowing how tiring his day is so he genuinely might be too tired to drive safely that is what I was getting at. I am not taking his side if he WFH sitting at a computer then logic would suggest he should be fine. Equally he might be an ER doctor and just worked a 12 hr shift.

And on you go with the guilt trip...

No I haven't "lost". We have an unspoken "us and them" mentality, as in we are all family but each of us knows where our responsibilities lie so there's absolutely no need for confrontation about it. My DP gets that he needs to do twice as much work as me kid wise, because he has twice as many kids as me. It's that simple. He wouldn't think to feel "resentful" about the extra effort he needs to put in because of having another child, and if he did, that would be the issue, not me not wanting to do it.

You're not a stepmother @RaeMumOf3, are you?

There is always an element of us and them because of the particular and complex dynamics of a family where the children do not all share the same parents, and where the parents who are not part of the family have all sorts of influence.

If the man were an A&E doctor who'd been on call for the past several days, the OP would have mentioned this. I suspect he's just your standard tired and can't be arsed with his responsibilities. Indeed, I don't just suspect it, that's the situation the OP has outlined here.

Why does he keep hinting?
Why doesn’t he come out and just say “OP would you help me with the clubs once or twice a week”
He is hinting because he doesn’t want to come out and ask as he knows it’s unreasonable.

If he didn’t think it was unreasonable and was a totally genuine request because he really was struggling with it all then he’d just ask wouldn’t he.

If he’s proposing to look after the baby in that time and having some bonding time then I’d probably consider doing it once a week, to sit in the car and listen to a podcast eating snacks!

But I’d only do it when he presented it in a honest way, not some sneaky underhand comments or hinting.

If he’s suggesting that you take all his kids and he sit on his arse then no, I’d not do it. Not unless exceptional circumstances.

They are his kids and his responsibility- if he needs help occasionally sure, but you’re not in any way responsible for their hobbies

Do you know, if the only time he'd be willing to look after and 'bond with' the baby was when it got him out of a boring parenting task for his older kids, I'd be even more annoyed with my H.

If I'm getting some time off my 24/7 duties as a parent to the baby while they 'bond', I want it to be useful to me and on my terms. I do not count sitting in the car playing on my phone while I wait for the SC to be 'me time'. That's just putting glitter on a turd and expecting me to be delighted with it.

I can’t get over him thinking that because he is tired the solution is for you to take them.

What if you are tired? Does that not matter?
And as you say, you are not their parent. So there’s not the same sense of sharing time travelling together and having dad be involved in the DCs lives that there would be if he took them.

He could car pool with another family if he didn’t want to take them every week.

If you had to do it as an emergency I presume you would have to take baby as well?

I’d ignore the hinting and if he outright asked I’d say no. He needs to get a grip and get on with parenting

If his ex is signing them up then she should be organising the lifts. My exh got lashed off a judge for making plans for our dc in my time.

I have been with my husband for 8 years and in his kids lives for a lot of that. Never once has he asked me to take them to a club. He just wouldn't - he knows that it's his kids, his job. Your husband is a lazy arse who wants someone else to take on the drudgery - don't do it!

@30degreesandmeltinghere

If his ex is signing them up then she should be organising the lifts. My exh got lashed off a judge for making plans for our dc in my time.

I know from my DP and various friends that several have CAOs that prevent one parent from signing up the children to hobbies, events and similar in the other parents time without that parent's agreement.

YADNBU OP.

And he’s adding insult to injury by hinting rather than having an adult conversation.

The sport is bloody swimming (which isn't outing because there are 7 million swimming clubs in this country) so this manifests as (I'm not joking) me having to take the baby out at 5am because his father won't look after him in case he wakes up while I spend 15 minutes taking my son to the local pool

@FishyFriday
I have no experience of step parenting but lots of children and their clubs. I have a swimming DC and similar early starts. I can’t believe you have to take your baby to swimming at 5am because of the uselessness of your DH. Goven it’s your DC and his step-DC I also find it very passive aggressive; your DH is trying to sabotage your son’s sport by making things deliberately difficult for its facilitator (you). What would happen if you refused to drag your baby out and just left them with their dad?

@nolongersurprised

The sport is bloody swimming (which isn't outing because there are 7 million swimming clubs in this country) so this manifests as (I'm not joking) me having to take the baby out at 5am because his father won't look after him in case he wakes up while I spend 15 minutes taking my son to the local pool

@FishyFriday
I have no experience of step parenting but lots of children and their clubs. I have a swimming DC and similar early starts. I can’t believe you have to take your baby to swimming at 5am because of the uselessness of your DH. Goven it’s your DC and his step-DC I also find it very passive aggressive; your DH is trying to sabotage your son’s sport by making things deliberately difficult for its facilitator (you). What would happen if you refused to drag your baby out and just left them with their dad?

I have just left him once - luckily he slept through the 5.10-5.25 period of my absence. My husband was really angry about it and accused me of being neglectful and abandoning the baby. Because he was not going to get up and look after him.

He genuinely seems to think that I am being unreasonable for thinking he's being an atrocious dick. And that anyone would agree with him (other than his vile mother, who would agree the earth was flat if it meant she could further the evil Fishy narrative).

And he thinks it gives him ammunition to claim that I'm prioritising my DS over our baby (because he does in very obvious ways prioritise his older children over everyone else). But I'm not. I'm just doing my best to meet the needs of both children. I'm not 'dragging a baby out at 5am'; the baby's father is refusing to look after him so I have to take him. He could be tucked up in bed and cuddled by his father if he wakes.

@FishyFriday is there any change your H isn't well? The more I read about him the more deluded and awful he sounds. He seems to have such a warped sense of reality, it's very difficult to imagine any balanced person of even below average intelligence thinking his behaviour is justifiable.
I look forward to the day you come on here to tell us that you've finally managed to LTB.

@FishyFriday. Your DH sounds awful . Agree with Youseethethingis. Hoping that you manage to LTB.

[quote Youseethethingis]@FishyFriday is there any change your H isn't well? The more I read about him the more deluded and awful he sounds. He seems to have such a warped sense of reality, it's very difficult to imagine any balanced person of even below average intelligence thinking his behaviour is justifiable.
I look forward to the day you come on here to tell us that you've finally managed to LTB.[/quote]
I do think he's struggling with his mental health. A psychiatrist has told him he should seek treatment for his anxiety, which is definitely an issue in everyone's lives.

He's actually very intelligent - academically and at work (although possibly not as clever as he thinks he is!). But he's got issues. I said to the counsellor last night that one of the things I learned in the previous session was that you don't need to be a trained psychoanalyst to see that he's decided to replay his childhood issues in his adult life. And I'm cast in the role of his stepmum. 😩 Even he's realised that to some degree.