AIBU to not do club runs?

[OiOiMikey]

My husband has a habit of trying to push or 'hint' for me to do more than I'm comfortable doing with DSC.

The latest thing is clubs. DSC have recently started a particular hobby which is on multiple days a week, often when they are with us.

DH hates coming home from work and having to go back out for hours to do this and the hints have started about me maybe taking them sometimes.

AIBU to say no? Probably sounds awful but I've zero interest in spending my evenings driving to and then staying to watch this and think between the two (Mum and Dad) they should be able to arrange it themselves if they are happy for their DC to do these things.

I help out with things when needed but I have. DC of my own and I have no desire to sacrifice time spent with them running around to various clubs in the evening.

@loopyapp

Lord. Some of the comments on here make me so glad my ex and I get on so well and both agree that while the children are under 13/14 there wont be anyone in the "step parent" role.

To me what you're describing as an expected level of involvement with children of your current partners comes nowhere near close to anything I would describe as parent in any sense. Not even as a "step parent".

Your set ups sound as though you are just adults that happen to live in one of their parents homes.

It would break my heart of my boys suffered the disinterest that is being condoned here. Its almost as though their existance is being tolerated and you're drawing lines anywhere ans everywhere you can to iterate that.

Imagine your children being the "step children" in your situations being discussed this way .. Do you not have any interest in their interests? Could you not go once or twice a month a show them some encouragement? They're children for goodness sake is it so outside your realms of thought that just because they didnt exit your crotch they aren't worth some form of nurturing from the person they see happily loving their half siblings???

My DS is a stepchild too. I don't expect his SM to do anything beyond be any adult whose house he lives in EOW and who is kind to him.

Why should she get up at 5am and take him swimming when his dad is perfectly capable of doing so? He's there to see and spend time with his dad. If his SM chooses to do anything other than be a friendly face, then that's very nice of her. She doesn't need to take on the crap work of parenting or make him the centre of her universe.

I think the term stepparent is so problematic. The parent bit. All it means is a parent's husband or wife. It really isn't being a 'parent' at all.

The inclusion of mother in stepmother has a lot to answer for.

I don't see why expecting their parents to be the ones who parent them means they are just poor merely tolerated children? I am very nice to them and ask them regularly about their hobbies. We get on well. But no, I'm not interested in watching training sessions regularly for over an hour because their Dad doesn't want to.

If you get to leave the baby with your DH, I might go once a fortnight or so, take a book and find the nearest cafe.

But only if it's a lift-only basis. Not if you're expected to look interested and cheer. That particular torture is reserved for parents only.

My DS is also a SC. Has a great relationship with his SM and she's been in his life about 11 years now. Doesn't know life without her, and I know she adores him.

But no, I don't expect her to do any running around after him. She'll pick him up and drop him off here and there if it suits her, and has helped out ex on the odd occasion with clubs, etc. but only in extreme circumstances. She'll occasionally go with ex to watch. But both he and I know not to expect anything from her in that sense.

He's been a better dad since he's been with her, and now that they have dc together, I can see he'll be a better dad to his youngest because of her attitude.

If I were in your shoes I would probably consider this because it gives me a break from MY DD who I am usually at home with - but that's just me! I would also consider it if he were looking at it from the angle that he actively wanted to be able to spend a bit more time with our joint child, if he doesn't see them much due to working and shipping DSC around.

But other than those two considerations, no. And it sounds like his attitude around it is really poor, I would struggle to live with the "they're all our children, you should see it that way too" elephant in the room without setting him straight!

@loopyapp

Lord. Some of the comments on here make me so glad my ex and I get on so well and both agree that while the children are under 13/14 there wont be anyone in the "step parent" role.

To me what you're describing as an expected level of involvement with children of your current partners comes nowhere near close to anything I would describe as parent in any sense. Not even as a "step parent".

Your set ups sound as though you are just adults that happen to live in one of their parents homes.

It would break my heart of my boys suffered the disinterest that is being condoned here. Its almost as though their existance is being tolerated and you're drawing lines anywhere ans everywhere you can to iterate that.

Imagine your children being the "step children" in your situations being discussed this way .. Do you not have any interest in their interests? Could you not go once or twice a month a show them some encouragement? They're children for goodness sake is it so outside your realms of thought that just because they didnt exit your crotch they aren't worth some form of nurturing from the person they see happily loving their half siblings???

There's always one 🙄

@loopyapp

Lord. Some of the comments on here make me so glad my ex and I get on so well and both agree that while the children are under 13/14 there wont be anyone in the "step parent" role.

To me what you're describing as an expected level of involvement with children of your current partners comes nowhere near close to anything I would describe as parent in any sense. Not even as a "step parent".

Your set ups sound as though you are just adults that happen to live in one of their parents homes.

It would break my heart of my boys suffered the disinterest that is being condoned here. Its almost as though their existance is being tolerated and you're drawing lines anywhere ans everywhere you can to iterate that.

Imagine your children being the "step children" in your situations being discussed this way .. Do you not have any interest in their interests? Could you not go once or twice a month a show them some encouragement? They're children for goodness sake is it so outside your realms of thought that just because they didnt exit your crotch they aren't worth some form of nurturing from the person they see happily loving their half siblings???

Do you always talk shit?

You forget that some of us SMs are/were step-children as well.

I wouldn't have wanted my SM to take me to and from hobbies as it would feel like my parents had dumped me on her because they couldn't be bothered.

YANBU at all.

I recently said on another thread that I do club runs for my own DC and all of the inconveniences that the club runs bring e.g. waiting around in the cold with siblings, hanging about for an hour with bored siblings and nowhere really to go, waiting around for buses in the evening, etc…

There is absolutely no way I’d do the same for a stepchild if I was a stepparent. And neither should you have to OP. Your stepchildren have two capable parents to do it, just like I do for mine.

OP if you are tired from looking after a baby then say "No".

One other important reason for you to say "No" and stick to it is when you go back to work you will be rushing to pick up your child from childcare and get them into bed. If you don't say "No" and stick to it you will be expected to do that AND get your SC to their hobby when you are working.

In regards to the SC my other post makes it clear that children expect their actual parents to watch them and will feel they have just been dumped on the nearest available adult as their dad isn't doing something else.

If it was a competition or a performance then they may ask you to come and watch, and then you oblige. (I've had to do that with various children over the years.)

@OiOiMikey

He's never outwardly said it but I suspect he is of the belief that all of the children are "our children" and so it shouldn't make a difference. There's certainly been things in the past he's said that have made me about what he thinks my responsibilities are.

I don’t think it’s even a case of this, I think it’s that men in general see women as the caregivers regardless of whether they’re the actual parent or not. They don’t see it as any different. This happened to me, I was only 20 when I met DH and he was 27 with a 6 year old. He immediately abdicated all responsibility on to me and it was fun at first, like playing at adulting but I’d set myself up for being the main caregiver going forward as it’s much harder to withdraw once you’re doing it as it’s not fair on the child.

I said yes - found it overwhelming and said no.

Don't make that mistake I have been saying yes to too much, getting overwhelmed and regretting it.

Luckily my DH is extremely grateful for what I do do, so when i said its too much it stopped without Ill feeling.

I'm using these forums to build some confidence in my "no's for future things and its much easier.

Unless DSD asks me to take her one day which is unlikely, I'm happy to go tut gym!

I wouldn’t do them as a step Mum and I wouldn’t expect my DCs step Mum to either. I’d be pretty pissed off my ex made her. Fuck that.

If it was a choice between taking a step child to hockey or doing tea, bath and bed for a toddler and a baby then I might suddenly find myself being a rather devoted stepmother as a nice change once a week! But only if your dh would do tea, bath and bed. If he doesn’t bother and leaves it to you for when you get back then that would be the end of that,

No, just no. I’m sure you’re tired as well so why do you need to do it? Is he normally so lazy and selfish?

I don’t think YABU. It’s ultimately his responsibility.

I feel the same and my DP and kids SM does some clubs for my kids.

ExH sighed DC up for a club and I told him I couldn’t commit to taking him when he’s working (shifts) because hey, I also work. He told me between him and SM they would do it, fine as long as they’ve discussed and agreed.

We signed them up for a club (mine and DP’s DC) and also DP has some involvement in it also. So sometimes DP takes them, but only really because he is going either way, so I don’t always go although usually I do anyway.

I take his DC to this club also sometimes for the same reason. However his other DC I do no clubs for and wouldn’t particularly want to, like you if it was an emergency I would, but I wouldn’t want to commit to anything.

Ultimately we all know the responsibility falls on their actual parent. For example if my Dc Sm said she wouldn’t do it any more it would be up to ExH mainly to sort but if needed I would have to step in.

There is a line and helping occasionally is ok, or if someone is happy to. But if not you shouldn’t be made to feel bad, as it’s not your responsibility

@OiOiMikey

Sorry I should have clarified, he is our DCs father too. They are too young for clubs but obviously if they were it would be a bit different as he's their Dad.

He doesn't struggle to do it in the sense he doesn't have time or has other commitments. He just doesn't want to do it after working all day/is tired.

I usually work but am on maternity currently so pretty tired myself with a baby.

I don't have any say over what DSC get signed up for or when or where obviously. But equally I don't feel I should then have to pick that up because it's now a hassle.

Poor little tired diddums......

Your DH should not be trying to push you to do more than you are comfortable with. Why should you be more bothered about getting his DC to clubs than he is??? If he can't take them, he shouldn't have signed them up for the clubs.

@loopyapp what absolutely nonsense.

I’m a mum, who co-parents with an ex. Both of us have had partners. Our children do clubs. Neither one of us would ever expect a partner to ferry our children to the activities we have decided they go to! I barely tolerate doing it with them! It’s boring and thankless.

Does that mean either exp didn’t care for our children or show interest in them? No! Little Tarquin kicking a ball around or Bella playing the cello is hardly life changing stuff is it? It’s a club, a hobby. That’s it.

I wouldn’t do it - it’s up to the parents.

I mean if your husband was busy with work or had other commitments then you could help out. But the fact he doesn’t want to leave the house after work is not a good enough excuse.

He should discuss the arrangements with his ex!

I would suggest a compromise as a family, you have to work together as a team for the benefits of all the children.

I appreciate that you have a new baby and I know that it is challenging (I currently have 2 babies myself). I quite agree with the comments that you shouldn’t take on more than you can handle and DH shouldn’t palm off his own time or responsibilities with DC on to you.

I do think that you can use this as an opportunity and compromise and go to one of the activities sessions during the week (you mentioned there were about 3).

I think this could give you valuable bonding time with your DSC - so they see they are part of your family and they are important to you too. (Speaking as a stepchild myself) But I also think that your DH should take the baby whilst you go - this will give them bonding one on one time together too and you a break from your DC (assume we’re only talking a couple of hours a week) That way DH doesn’t have to leave the house after a long day at work but he still has to help and it doesn’t hurt to remind them how hard it is looking after a baby alone for a couple of hours.

You know what is best for your family. If you make the effort now maybe you can have more of an input in future, regarding other activities and timetables.

@RaeMumof3 I would want a break from the baby too but OP doesn't, and she doesn't have to compromise in any of the ways you've said, it isn't her problem to solve in the slightest.

Do a lot of people realise that most children prefer their own parents to do things like this?
My children would have been ok with my exp taking them to a club, but 100% would have preferred either myself or my exh.

Equally my exp children? Again if they had to have me there, they would have been ok with it, but absolutely they would have wanted their dad to do it. The fact that he may be tired after a day at work? Tough. Welcome to the parenting battle that most of us cater too. Think anyone in my household wants to stand in a field on Saturday/ Sunday mornings watching rugby/ football after a long week at work? No. Tough. Thems the breaks

I cart 4 children on the bus every Tuesday evening and every Saturday morning so that they can do swimming lessons. My 10 year old is in level 3 and my 6 and 8 year olds are in level 1, so the classes with available spaces fall on different days. Add to this my 2 year old who gets taken to these classes too while we wait.
Then there are after school clubs which we hang about for an hour for to finish.

Week in, week out. Repeat. When the weather is bad it’s not pleasant. But I do it so that they have those opportunities. Why should they miss out because I don’t have a car or because they have siblings? I do all this on my own by the way too.

The thought of sitting there while my children’s stepmum (if they had one) was forced to do the exact same thing for my children actually makes me so sad. I just couldn’t let it happen. It actually makes me quite angry now looking back at the things I was expected to do when I was with my ex.

@aSofaNearYou - it isn’t a compromise to look out for your wellbeing of your whole family and consider someone else’s feelings. It is her business and clearly her problem as she is posting it here in the first place as it is happening to her family - regardless of blood relationships.

Whether you go to clubs or not. It has the potential to create resentment from everyone in the long run too, the dad who is too tired and feels that he isn’t getting help, the child who feels unwanted and a burden for making him go, no child should have to feel like that which is why I suggested a compromise my advice it was kindly meant and she doesn’t have to take it.

How does he think that will look/feel to his older DC, that he's choosing to spend time with the new baby (as you've said he would expect to look after baby while you take DSC) instead of taking them to their activity? If DSC are having to adjust to a new half-sibling isn't that the worst possible time for their dad to do anything that could look/feel to them like him 'palming them off', onto SM or anyone else?

I would say no for my own reasons anyway tbh (I've been a SM for 20-odd years, I've learned my lessons the hard way!) but pointing out how DSC may feel might just be what's needed to put the subject to bed once and for all. The argument that it would be pretty shit for him to change their routine and risk making them feel pushed out while they're getting used to having a new brother or sister would be difficult for him to deny.