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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I wish DH didn't already have children - there, I said it!

127 replies

ILikeYoYo · 07/06/2021 12:42

Since having our DC I just wish it was only us, I'd be so much happier.

I know that makes me terrible but I can't stand living and planning our lives around his ex. There's always something going on, always a problem or some sort of drama, always chopping and changing contact and so on.

I'm aware it makes me sound horrible but whilst the kids are good kids, they don't make up for the huge PITA this all is.

I feel like his, mine and our DCs lives just revolve around the DSC.

OP posts:

QioiioiioQ · 07/06/2021 12:45

Of course you do it's very difficult!
on the one hand children (with all other factors held equal) do best when they have two parents who are equally invested in them, on the other hand it's not realistic to expect human romantic relationships to laugh that long in the modern world!
I hope we can find better solutions to this problem.

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 07/06/2021 12:48

You say you have your own DC? Perhaps he feels the same about them?

MrsRoyCropper · 07/06/2021 12:49

Perhaps you should have chosen to have children with a man with no children? My daughters stepmother was lovely to her before she had her own children, she now barely conceals her contempt for my daughter. It’s caused irreversible problems and resulted in my daughter having no relationship with her father. And yes he’s to blame too for letting his second wife push my daughter out but he prefers an easy life. See it all too often, at least you’ve been honest not that it changes anything.

Aurora791 · 07/06/2021 12:49

I’m with you and i think it’s perfectly natural to feel that way. Have you chatted to him about how you feel? I’m sure I’ll get flamed for this but my OH works away a lot and sadly although I love us as a family unit, it’s just so much easier in many ways when he’s away because i know what’s going on and I can prioritise our DC rather than constantly have to change and cancel our plans around the changing days of DSC coming and going. It’s so hard- I think as a step-parent you have to step back and put yourself the DSC, but it’s hard when that also means that your DC seem to also come second, or it feels like your OH is so tied up with the DSC you’re basically solo-parenting your DC.

MrsBongiovi · 07/06/2021 12:52

I don’t think it makes you sound horrible. But it is the reason that lots of people don’t date people with kids. When I listen to people I know with step children and their own children, it mostly sounds like a fucking nightmare.

Original poster

ILikeYoYo · 07/06/2021 12:54

@ProudPolyGradSingleMum

You say you have your own DC? Perhaps he feels the same about them?

I meant I have DC with DH, they are his DC too not his SC.

It's not actually because of the kids themselves but every time we try and do anything there is a problem, we can't plan anything ever for a time we aren't supposed to have DSC because you can guarantee we'll be asked at the last minute, there's always arguing between him and ex and honest to god I'm just bored of it now.

I could ignore it at first but I see it affecting my DC and so I just feel like completely disengaging and just focusing on them.

OP posts:

Original poster

ILikeYoYo · 07/06/2021 12:57

To add I'm also not horrible to the DSC and don't treat them with contempt.

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 07/06/2021 12:58

I would suspect many people feel the same.
However, you know that this is not something that can be changed. Your stepchildren were there before you and you made a conscious choice to bring new children into the family.
I don’t think it horrible to wish that life was simpler but it would be awful if you actually expected it to happen.
The children are not going anywhere (I would hope, no one wants a man who abandons his kids) you need to find a way to make it work.

MrsBongiovi · 07/06/2021 12:58

And also think that one day, if you split with your husband, it could be your children as well that another woman wishes weren’t around.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 07/06/2021 12:59

it's more the ex isn't it?

if it was just dp's son, and his ex didn't exist i think everything would have been much smoother for us.

It's really hard, and i do completely understand.

Original poster

ILikeYoYo · 07/06/2021 13:00

@Smartiepants79

I would suspect many people feel the same. However, you know that this is not something that can be changed. Your stepchildren were there before you and you made a conscious choice to bring new children into the family. I don’t think it horrible to wish that life was simpler but it would be awful if you actually expected it to happen. The children are not going anywhere (I would hope, no one wants a man who abandons his kids) you need to find a way to make it work.

I obviously don't expect it to happen and I'd never say this to DH or ever in a million years encourage him not to see them, but I do fantasize about them getting older and not wanting to come as much or at least arranging contact themselves and not via their Mum so it's not so bloody difficult all the time.

OP posts:

QioiioiioQ · 07/06/2021 13:00

Mostly we have very powerful impulses to favour our own children, blended families can only work if the adults are willing and able to recognise and consciously suppress those impulses.
Mostly people don't seem able to......

ApplePie86 · 07/06/2021 13:01

Personally I could never imagine myself in a relationship with someone who already had children. Only exception I would've made is if they'd been widowed. Even that would be problematic.

Original poster

ILikeYoYo · 07/06/2021 13:01

@MrsBongiovi

And also think that one day, if you split with your husband, it could be your children as well that another woman wishes weren’t around.

Having been a step parent I can appreciate how difficult it is .. and I'd certainly try not to be such hard work as DSCs Mum is.

OP posts:

Original poster

ILikeYoYo · 07/06/2021 13:03

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

it's more the ex isn't it?

if it was just dp's son, and his ex didn't exist i think everything would have been much smoother for us.

It's really hard, and i do completely understand.

Yes it is, 100%.

I wish I could say it was worth all the faff because I love the kids so much but it isn't.

OP posts:

Horehound · 07/06/2021 13:04

What is it that happens? Can you go through court to get a plan that can't be deviated from?

FlorenceWintle · 07/06/2021 13:04

I think it’s perfectly possible to hate the situation, it doesn’t mean you hate the children themselves. Of course you would prefer not to have all the hassle. Sounds like the ex causes most of it, which isn’t the kids’ fault.

When you marry a man with kids, you not only take them on but the ex as well unfortunately.

MrsBongiovi · 07/06/2021 13:07

Having been a step parent I can appreciate how difficult it is .. and I'd certainly try not to be such hard work as DSCs Mum is.

It’s always the ex that’s such hard work. No doubt she’ll say you and her ex are the issue. The truth will be somewhere in between usually. Sounds like a nightmare and way too much hassle, no man is worth that. 😬

QioiioiioQ · 07/06/2021 13:11

such hard work as DSCs Mum is
Her behaviour is driven by a determination to make sure that her children come before your children

Original poster

ILikeYoYo · 07/06/2021 13:15

@Horehound

What is it that happens? Can you go through court to get a plan that can't be deviated from?

No DH wouldn't do this. He has a lot of guilt about ever saying no which she likes to use against him.

And it's fine for him because 9/10 times it means the DSC are here more than the 'arranged' contact. But I feel like I never know what's happening, it's impossible for us to plan anything, it gives me head spin how much it changes all the time.

OP posts:

JackieTheFart · 07/06/2021 13:15

YANBU.

I expect this is something most step parents feel once they have their own children - it’s really not something you expect or want to feel, but it is what it is. DH’s ex wasn’t even an issue, it was more the guilt of wanting to do anything without DSS, having to constantly factor in this extra person who wasn’t always with us...it did get easier as he got older. I got ripped to absolute shreds on a thread on Netmums once for asking if it would be ok for DH and I to go on holiday without DSS. Background was, his mum had gone away without DSS but had also taken him away - we had the option of one holiday plus our babies or no holiday. We went with no holiday in the end.

lunar1 · 07/06/2021 13:51

Everyone in the dynamic probably feels the same at some point. The children probably think life would be easier if there dad didn't bring a random woman into their life followed by a half sibling.

Your partner probably thinks it would be easier not to have children with two different women with different ideas.

The ex will have had her coparenting relationship change to accommodate you and then the new child. Her ex has probably changed his parenting with his existing children as he is living with you and will be doing things differently.

Nobody starts out thinking they will be part of a complicated blended family. I certainly wouldn't ever have my children be part of a blended family from my side, but this comes from being a step child myself.

Out of anyone all the children involved probably get the worst end of the deal as none of them have a choice.

I certainly don't think you are on your own.

CornishGem1975 · 07/06/2021 14:14

@QioiioiioQ

such hard work as DSCs Mum is Her behaviour is driven by a determination to make sure that her children come before your children

How do you know that?

DinoHat · 07/06/2021 14:18

There's always something going on, always a problem or some sort of drama, always chopping and changing contact and so on.

This, it’s the drama, conflict and unpredictability that gets to me.

DH’s ex is more settled now. But every now and then she’ll send a barrage of abuse and demands. It’s so wearing. It’s the mental load of it all. DH never knows what mood she’ll be in. Sometimes she’s amenable and polite. Others shes volatile. Over the years we have learnt she has another crisis in life (usually fall outs with her husband or prior to that boyfriends) and just has a full on melt down. With DH being a constant I think she just directs it all at him as it’s easy and he can’t block all contact (he keeps it to a minimum).

Now I have my own DC I feel stretched enough spinning all the plates in my own house. The outside influence is unwelcome and can tip me over the edge!

DinoHat · 07/06/2021 14:21

@Aurora791 I can so relate to your post. My DH works away too and things tick over much easier when I’m on my own. I know whether I’m coming and going and work, DC etc all slot in fine.

It’s true re the solo parenting too. I feel like that. DH’s days off are dedicated to DSS and he still doesn’t have capacity for our own DC, I just have two extra mouths to feed and shop, clean etc for!

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