I wish DH didn't already have children - there, I said it!

[ILikeYoYo]

Since having our DC I just wish it was only us, I'd be so much happier.

I know that makes me terrible but I can't stand living and planning our lives around his ex. There's always something going on, always a problem or some sort of drama, always chopping and changing contact and so on.

I'm aware it makes me sound horrible but whilst the kids are good kids, they don't make up for the huge PITA this all is.

I feel like his, mine and our DCs lives just revolve around the DSC.

@Anotheruser02 you make very good points. However, what you describe as the annoyances & compromises of family life are perfectly accepted in intact families but when transferred to blended families cause massive issues, especially with certain posters on here.
For example: a dad who works away in an intact family may be seen as a hard worker & a great provider, but an nr dad who may have to do same is "a shit dad" for not getting a job closer to home. A dad who may choose to play golf on a given Saturday instead of doing the football run is viewed as someone who needs downtime in an intact family. In a blended family he's a selfish git.
The problem is life doesn't stop when divorce occurs but there seems to be a certain type of ex who thinks it should; that the nrp should have nothing in their lives bar working for provision & being with the dc. All hobbies, social life, relationships should not exist & if they do then it is inevitably the fault of another woman who is stealing a man away from his dc. It's never because life moves on & people are entitled to more in their lives than just their children.
Furthermore whilst there are many rp's left carrying the can physically & financially, there are a lot of r mothers in particular, who want majority care of their dc but who then seem to expect their exes to live for the days they get to see their dc & when this doesn't happen all hell breaks loose & all the normal bits of life such as being too tired to endlessly play with your dc or being exhausted after a long week at work & wanting a lie in or wanting a weekend away with a partner or friends, become massive issues & 'evidence' of being a crap dad.
Family life just IS hard but we don't really know that until we move through it & many women who have dc with men who are already fathers genuinely do not know what they're getting into as they haven't had kids prior to this; many times they are first time mothers.
I chose not to have dc with my exdp because I knew what having children involved & while I would have loved one with him my gut was telling me that his ex & dc were becoming increasingly unstable. I was in my early 40's but honestly? If I'd been any younger with less people experience (& less cynicism) I might have gone for it.

I think part of the issue with blended families is that you don't stop being a parent when your DCs are with the other parent. You are still responsible for their health and well being and the belief that it can be boxed in to units of tolerated time is just unrealistic, which I think is what SPs would like - it just does not work physically or mentally.

Routine and a schedule can work but they can not be rigid on either side. My Ex did nothing for 6 months when he left, then demanded EOW - which started lasted 2 months because his new DP said it ate into "their" time. In thier 2 years together my DCS had max 15 ONs at their Dads - that was crap.

When I got rushed into hospital from work, he and his DP refuse to even pick up DCS from school as not their time or responsibility. Trying to get a friend to take my DCS whilst being prepped for emergency surgery was humiliating - luckily I have better friends with more morals than the EX at the time.

Routines are there but there has to be flexibility - we all have emergencies in life -some more than others and marrying someone with DC is a bloody great big sign that compromise and flexibility are going to be needed.

@bogoffmda

I think part of the issue with blended families is that you don't stop being a parent when your DCs are with the other parent. You are still responsible for their health and well being and the belief that it can be boxed in to units of tolerated time is just unrealistic, which I think is what SPs would like - it just does not work physically or mentally.

Routine and a schedule can work but they can not be rigid on either side. My Ex did nothing for 6 months when he left, then demanded EOW - which started lasted 2 months because his new DP said it ate into "their" time. In thier 2 years together my DCS had max 15 ONs at their Dads - that was crap.

When I got rushed into hospital from work, he and his DP refuse to even pick up DCS from school as not their time or responsibility. Trying to get a friend to take my DCS whilst being prepped for emergency surgery was humiliating - luckily I have better friends with more morals than the EX at the time.

Routines are there but there has to be flexibility - we all have emergencies in life -some more than others and marrying someone with DC is a bloody great big sign that compromise and flexibility are going to be needed.

I completely agree. So many SP’s expect the parent to not have parenting responsibilities when their children are with the other parent and it irritates them when they do. They then go on to have children of their own with the parent and surprise, surprise further resentment sets in. It’s just cruel.

I think there is being flexible occasionally and definitely in emergencies and then there is having absolutely no routine at all where contact changes by the week, day or even hour which lets face it, can't be nice for the children either.

Totally agree - my DCs were let down by their DF on so many occasions I stopped telling them they were going to see him because 9/10 this did not happen - now much better.

The only thing that kept me sane was thinking I had the DCS 24/7/365 and not relying on him for any childcare because I have heard every excuse under the sun as to why they couldn't........

Thankfully he has a new DP who is brill and tries to keep him under control- still ad hoc because he still has his second EX in the equation with their joint DC and if she says jump he asks how high and my 2 get left. 10 yrs later I still have to pinch myself that the OW/first new DP has such an effect on my life and my DCS but it will not change so

Deep breaths and ...........!

It doesn’t make you terrible just terribly naive not to have considered everything before you got serious and had your own DC with him.

Not everyone is cut out to be a step parent, I know 100% that I wouldn’t be, regardless of how much I valued a relationship, unless the D”C” were already grown up.

The problem is life doesn't stop when divorce occurs but there seems to be a certain type of ex who thinks it should; that the nrp should have nothing in their lives bar working for provision & being with the dc
I certainly saw this with my DH. They negotiated new contact schedule when DSD moved from nursery to school. All fine and dandy. Some weeks later DH is on the receiving end of a tirade of abuse from ex because she suddenly realised he requested the opposite weekends to the ones he would be using his season ticket and going to see his football team.
He's been going to matches since he was in short trousers on his grandfathers shoulders. She knew what she was getting into surely?
But no, it was evidence that he put football before DSD. Apparently he should have deliberately missed the football to prove a point.
Just one example of many. He should have been sitting at home waiting for her to allow him to see his child.

@bogoffmda I actually very much agree with your last two posts & your ex sounds awful - truly.
However, I do think that on here a lot of sms experience the extreme of an ex the way you do with yours (that's not to diminish your experience in any way).
Most of the sms on here stress that it's not the actual sdcs that are the problem but the dynamics between the parents & subsequently the parenting of the sdcs that cause the issues.
I don't stop being a parent when my dc go to their dads but I do step back & let him get on with it as he sees fit, but will always step if I'm needed. To that end I don't interfere in how he and his dw choose to run their household & their family (including my dc) which is a family very different to mine.
Most of the issues on here (including the one which started this thread) are caused by a lack of respect for for the other parent & household & no boundaries. A lot of what gets described on here is dms refusing to let their exes (& their partners) have control over the running of their own households.
I would not dream of disturbing my ex's routine last minute - expect in cases of emergency & vice versa, but we will always strive to help each other out if needs be.
Blended families do require flexibility - absolutely - but so many exes abuse this unnecessarily.

Magda - we are on the same page.

Watching my EX deal with his second EX now they have split up and how that still impacts on my life has shown me the other side. She thinks she has first call on his time and he lets her ignoring the impact on his new DP and his other DCs

I only see all the DC suffering from this type of behaviour and could not behave like that . Luckily, his new DP is fab - mutual respect for hers, his and my time - with some flex!

I can't understand why so many people feel the need to procreate with every long term partner they have. All it does is mess up the (usually non resident) DCs

This gets said a lot and I always think people are missing the obvious. Aside from the fact that obviously their partner is likely to want children (especially if they are willing to get involved with their partner's - they'd be less likely to do this if they didn't want/like kids), the elephant in the room is that being a NRP can be heartbreaking and is just not the same as getting to live with your kids full time. NRPs that wanted kids in the first place will likely still want to experience that.

And as a side point - messing up the NRC isn't ALL it does, don't you think it shows an inherent bias that you would think that?

Why does every post on here turn into a general debate re the pros and cons of blended families.

The OP here, and others, are looking for advice specific to their circumstances and the facts of their post. Not an overview on the morality of blended families.

Maybe someone should start a general post for a debate on blended families and everyone can pitch in there when they feel the urge to comment with such generality on each and every post started on this section.

I think it's not so much you dislike the fact your DH has his own DC - your DSC - but the fact that your DH's ex-wife is a pain in the arse.
Added to the fact that your DH feels guilty & constantly gives in to her & things are ver complicated!
From your posts it seems that she drops them on you at short notice, that she makes your life revolve around hers.
This isn't great for you & it's not going to be that great for the DSC either - never knowing when they'll be heading over to their Dad's, etc.
Your DH needs to be firmer with the ex-wife, try to set up a visiting routine that they both actually stick to! It would give you all - you, your DC, the DSC - stability.
Obviously with his guilt & the ex-wife's demands it's not happening...
Hopefully when contact is arranged directly through the DSC, the ex-wife will be out of the picture & the drama, the last minute visits will all end & you will all know what's going on & when!
Best of luck.

@DinoHat

Why does every post on here turn into a general debate re the pros and cons of blended families.

The OP here, and others, are looking for advice specific to their circumstances and the facts of their post. Not an overview on the morality of blended families.

Maybe someone should start a general post for a debate on blended families and everyone can pitch in there when they feel the urge to comment with such generality on each and every post started on this section.

Yes I agree, and also think there is a very cut-throat attitude in these comments sometimes which just disregards the reality of meeting someone and developing feelings for them. Not everyone meets someone from cold and decides straight away whether to go ahead with the relationship, as people seem to suggest here.

If I had set up an online dating profile, I would have 100% ticked that I didn't want someone with children, but my actual situation meant that I did end up meeting and getting together with my DP, who has 2 children. It's not my ideal on paper and logically I'd agree with many here who say they'd never get involved. But we worked together, we were friends, we developed feelings for each other and so we gave it a go, and haven't looked back.

Surely there are many things that make people less than people's personal ideal to have a relationship with - including hugely demanding jobs leaving little time for home and family, troublesome in-laws, addiction issues, being in the military - but people still get involved there too. Because people meet and get along and then fall in love? I don't know many people, particularly in their 20s and 30s, who are so cool-headed when dating someone they like.

Nothing wrong in feeling like this and saying it here, but not to anyone apart from friends in rl.

I thought after 10 yrs of marriage we were a safe bet before we managed to conceive and keep a child!

Had not planned or foreseen the change that would follow the mutual decision to have dcs.

The OP has expressed an opinion and it is valid and understood by many of us on this thread for varying reasons but often very different reasons. The understanding of why people feel like they do is more the debate point and it is very multifactorial.

Society and the media still paint the nuclear family mum, dad and 2 kids in nice house with a nice fence and a nice car and all nice. Reality is so far from that and those who I thought had it generally don't when you dig a bit deeper.

I have very fixed opinions on my EX and his behaviour but they are never expressed in public and sit firmly locked in my head because at the end of the day - the only people who would now get hurt are my DCS who do not deserve that and do not need to know the ins and outs of their fathers transgressions.

Society and the media still paint the nuclear family mum, dad and 2 kids in nice house with a nice fence and a nice car and all nice. Reality is so far from that and those who I thought had it generally don't when you dig a bit deeper.

Yes, I agree completely. I think generally family life is very challenging but the tough bits are much easier to brush off or not dwell on for 2 parents together. For step-parents it's so much harder because even things that would be completely run-of-the-mill in a 'normal' family house can be viewed as attacks or responded to defensively, for example a discussion around bedtimes or what to get children for Christmas.

Because people meet and get along and then fall in love? I don't know many people, particularly in their 20s and 30s, who are so cool-headed when dating someone they like.

You don't fall in love. You make a conscious decision to continue to nurture any feelings you have for someone. For you, it obviously wasn't a dealbreaker to get involved with a man with kids but for others, myself included, any feelings and getting along etc would not have gone any further than friendship and yes, that was in my 20s and again in my early 30s after a divorce because that was a total dealbreaker for me, same with someone who had addiction problems or men with troublesome families. There were some men I really liked but didn't take it further because of such boundaries.

If it works for you, great, but ultimately, people have agency over their lives and can decide not to see someone who doesn't meet their boundaries any further rather than 'fall' in love.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Because people meet and get along and then fall in love? I don't know many people, particularly in their 20s and 30s, who are so cool-headed when dating someone they like.

You don't fall in love. You make a conscious decision to continue to nurture any feelings you have for someone. For you, it obviously wasn't a dealbreaker to get involved with a man with kids but for others, myself included, any feelings and getting along etc would not have gone any further than friendship and yes, that was in my 20s and again in my early 30s after a divorce because that was a total dealbreaker for me, same with someone who had addiction problems or men with troublesome families. There were some men I really liked but didn't take it further because of such boundaries.

If it works for you, great, but ultimately, people have agency over their lives and can decide not to see someone who doesn't meet their boundaries any further rather than 'fall' in love.

I just don't think it's always that simple for many people, especially if they have no reason to actually be dead-set against something and it was more of a preference.

Like for me, my preference would have been not to be with someone with kids but equally I had no prior experience to inform that so I didn't feel so strongly about it that I cut off my early relationship with my DP.

So yes I guess you are right in terms of if it was a real dealbreaker I wouldn't have continued down this road. But I think for many people when you actually come to making the choice about someone you really care about - particularly if you've had a few failed relationships and you genuinely get on with this person so well - a lot would at least give it a try, if they didn't already feel it was a dealbreaker.

you don’t fall in love

I think some people do experience that.

@DinoHat

you don’t fall in love

I think some people do experience that.

I can only assume that’s how people end up in relationships with people who are married.

I had a really incredible, passionate, exciting relationship with a man once. I found out three months in that he was married and I cut contact completely.
I never saw or spoke to him again. I blocked any feelings I had for him.
But there must people who wouldn’t be able to to that.

Alot of decisions can only be made through experience.
For eg. because I had dc myself I thought being with a man who had dc would be easy, in the sense that at least he & I would understand each other's experiences. I couldn't have been more wrong as I'd never before come across a 'family' as dysfunctional as exdp's. And again the dysfunction only revealed itself over time.
Now however if I was dating again I would stay well clear of a man with (dependent) dc because I know how bad it can get & it's not a risk I'd be prepared to take again.

@Magda72

Alot of decisions can only be made through experience. For eg. because I had dc myself I thought being with a man who had dc would be easy, in the sense that at least he & I would understand each other's experiences. I couldn't have been more wrong as I'd never before come across a 'family' as dysfunctional as exdp's. And again the dysfunction only revealed itself over time. Now however if I was dating again I would stay well clear of a man with (dependent) dc because I know how bad it can get & it's not a risk I'd be prepared to take again.

If DP & I split I also would look to find someone without kids next time because I now have knowledge I didn't have before. Not even because my experience has been bad - it hasn't at all - but just that I didn't realise quite how much it would impact every element of our lives together.

My thoughts at the beginning of my relationship with DP mainly revolved around: whether his children would like and accept me; whether I'd be awkward around them as I had no experience with children; and how I'd deal with his ex being in the picture. So I focused a lot on the big topics and didn't really know enough to consider smaller things at that time.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I had a really incredible, passionate, exciting relationship with a man once. I found out three months in that he was married and I cut contact completely. I never saw or spoke to him again. I blocked any feelings I had for him. But there must people who wouldn’t be able to to that.

I think it's a bit unfair to draw that parallel really, most people would stop seeing someone if they found out they were married as it's pretty universally regarded as wrong. Although obviously as you've said there are people who won't for whatever reason.

Those who are dating people with children aren't doing anything that they would actually be wrong not to stop. There isn't the same kind of stigma at all.

My thoughts at the beginning of my relationship with DP mainly revolved around: whether his children would like and accept me; whether I'd be awkward around them as I had no experience with children; and how I'd deal with his ex being in the picture. So I focused a lot on the big topics and didn't really know enough to consider smaller things at that time.

This really resonates with me, I was much the same! It's hard to believe sometimes looking back on how little I was concerned about at the time, but the truth is when you're young and have no experience of children, let alone step families, you have no reason to anticipate what it's actually like.