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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I wish DH didn't already have children - there, I said it!

127 replies

ILikeYoYo · 07/06/2021 12:42

Since having our DC I just wish it was only us, I'd be so much happier.

I know that makes me terrible but I can't stand living and planning our lives around his ex. There's always something going on, always a problem or some sort of drama, always chopping and changing contact and so on.

I'm aware it makes me sound horrible but whilst the kids are good kids, they don't make up for the huge PITA this all is.

I feel like his, mine and our DCs lives just revolve around the DSC.

OP posts:
BlueDucky · 07/06/2021 14:25

It's maybe like a biological thing? You are going to want the most resources for your own child. I guess you just have to try and ignore these feelings so they are treated fairly.

BlueSurfer · 07/06/2021 14:27

And this is why many people will not entertain a relationship with someone who already has children.

minipie · 07/06/2021 14:29

I can understand why you feel this way - but you knew what you were choosing?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 07/06/2021 14:33

No DH wouldn't do this. He has a lot of guilt about ever saying no which she likes to use against him.

So this isn’t really the kids... it’s the fact that your DH won’t say no; and his ex knows that, so they do what suits them and it leaves you in a tailspin.

If you approach it from that point of view, it seems solvable. There will always be an ex, and step children, and there’s no guarantee that they’ll ever stop wanting to visit their dad... but your DH doesn’t always have to say yes. He can work on that.

Nightbear · 07/06/2021 14:35

I don’t think it makes you horrible at all. There are a whole bucketload of issues that can go along with step children, through no fault of their own.

CthulhuInDisguise · 07/06/2021 14:37

I felt like this a bit at first, but my DSC lived with us full time (he had been a single dad when we met with full custody) so there was no respite. Things did get easier as DS grew older though and they enjoyed babysitting, taking him out on day trips and playing with him (they were teens when he was born).

DinoHat · 07/06/2021 14:42

@minipie

I can understand why you feel this way - but you knew what you were choosing?
No you don’t. You don’t know what the ex will be like, how the kids will be, the dynamics once you have your own children.

The divorce rates are around 50% marriage is long established but still, seemingly people dont know what they’re choosing. Or is that only applicable to step families.

Catkin8 · 07/06/2021 14:46

@minipie

I can understand why you feel this way - but you knew what you were choosing?
Just because someone has 'chosen' a situation, it doesn't mean they have to find it easy. We don't dismiss work-related stress just because someone chose to work, or sleep-deprivation because someone chose to have a baby. OP's struggle is still valid.
dottiedodah · 07/06/2021 14:55

I dont get why everyone says "You knew what you were choosing" or they wouldnt date a man with DC.Fair enough but does someone instantly know about DSC ,or if they fancy them first and then find out ,just drop them? With around 50% of marriages ending in Divorce ,likely chance of meeting a Divorcee! Any way you are not horrible ,just normal it is easier with just your own DC of course .Often ex wives who dont have a new partner ,resent their exs new life and try to stir it up .Not fair on DSC or you .

DinoHat · 07/06/2021 14:56

@dottiedodah

I dont get why everyone says "You knew what you were choosing" or they wouldnt date a man with DC.Fair enough but does someone instantly know about DSC ,or if they fancy them first and then find out ,just drop them? With around 50% of marriages ending in Divorce ,likely chance of meeting a Divorcee! Any way you are not horrible ,just normal it is easier with just your own DC of course .Often ex wives who dont have a new partner ,resent their exs new life and try to stir it up .Not fair on DSC or you .
Just to try and discredit them.
Horehound · 07/06/2021 15:01

So really you have a DH problem. He doesn't want to address the elephant in the roof for fear of upsetting his ex?

Which is why an official set up would work better because then he isn't living in fear of his ex using the children as a pawn.

SandyY2K · 07/06/2021 15:40

There's always something going on, always a problem or some sort of drama, always chopping and changing contact and so on.

It sounds like his Ex was always like this...chopping and changing at the last minute, even before you had kids.

we can't plan anything ever for a time we aren't supposed to have DSC because you can guarantee we'll be asked at the last minute,

What stops him saying, he can't do it as he has a prior commitment? If he keeps on agreeing, then she'll keep asking. If you always ask someone for money and never pay back, many people will keep taking.

I could ignore it at first but I see it affecting my DC

At this is the mistake many people make. The problem was always there, but at times us human beings turn a blind eye, hoping the problem will go away.

The Ex's behaviour hasn't changed. Your DH hasn't changed. Your tolerance for it has changed.

I would suggest as much as you can, where you have plans and last minute he has his kids over...you should go yourself and leave him to it. Either go where you were going with your DC, or leave your DC with him and go with a friend/ family.

The more he finds himself stuck at home and you still going out, enjoying yourself, he might just stand up for himself.

You need to get to a place of deciding, you will not let the Ex and last minute changes affect you so much. Obviously in some cases it just will, because that's life...but you need to mitigate it by having socialisation outside of the family.

I suggested this to someone else abd when the Ex changed plans last minute, she still went out. When she was getting ready, her DP asked if she'd forgotten the kids were coming. She said, no I haven't. I'm going, you'll be here.

She said he looked shocked. She did it again and a few more times and after the sulking stopped, he grew a backbone....well..mainly by not responding to texts or calls from the Ex when they has plans. It took a while for him to actually say no, so he dodged her calls to begin with.

They didn't have any shared kids though.

name8793 · 07/06/2021 15:44

I totally understand, it's why I just wouldn't get in a relationship with someone who already had kids, I think I'd hate it and really struggle no matter how much I thought I loved them.

name8793 · 07/06/2021 15:46

*by them I meant him

Nightbear · 07/06/2021 15:47

I think that if someone gets involved with a man who has DC and then gets annoyed at children being children or being at the house too often, then ‘you knew what you were choosing’ might be a valid comment.

When the issue isn’t the DC but the way their partner deals with his ex or parents their joint children differently to his other DC I don’t think you necessarily know before hand.

Cam2020 · 07/06/2021 15:49

He was theirs first and will always be, regardless what else happens in life. Don't involve yourself with a man with children if you can't hack it!

Aurora791 · 07/06/2021 15:51

A lot of these comments are really ringing true for me. @ILikeYoYo and @DinoHat seems like we’re all in a very similar boat. I completely empathise with you, it’s a horrible position to feel like you are always second and can’t plan, or even rely on them to be there if needed (my OH went to the other side of the country when I was 37 weeks pregnant to look after my DSC for 3 days, leaving me all alone at home- that still enrages me to this day and thank god the baby didn’t come early). I know we chose to be with these men, and love our DSC, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

My OH always jumps at the opportunity to have my DSC here, which is brilliant, and he’s a wonderful dad. But unfortunately that means that this is exploited, with short notice plan changes and every time there is a drama, a breakup or a new man on the scene (which is ridiculously often). He needs to start saying no occasionally, and realise that he has a responsibility to all of us, not just his DSC. I feel awful that my own DC are going to grow up thinking that they are second best to their siblings because their needs and activities are always de prioritised, and then that gets my back up. I can’t cope with the mental load of all the change, never being able to plan holidays etc, or even be ill because we’re juggling so many balls it only takes 1 thing for them all to come tumbling down. I do wonder if I would be happier alone, and sadly would definitely not have another child with him because I know they would not be a priority.

DinoHat · 07/06/2021 15:51

@Cam2020

He was theirs first and will always be, regardless what else happens in life. Don't involve yourself with a man with children if you can't hack it!
Constructive. 👏🏻

Is OP’s partner a person or possession? It’s not clear from your post.

DinoHat · 07/06/2021 15:54

He needs to start saying no occasionally, and realise that he has a responsibility to all of us, not just his DSC.

I have spoken to my DH about everyone’s needs. His, mine, our DC, his son. None are a priority over the other and all need balancing. That’s his job and his mental load to bear - he picked this path.

I think it’s important to recognise there has to be a balance. Sometimes younger DC come first, because by their nature they’re more demanding and need more attention. As I’ve said to DH that balance will tip again in the future.

Aurora791 · 07/06/2021 15:55

@SandyY2K that’s brilliant advice- I’m obv not the op but in a similar boat and the ‘your tolerance for it changed’ point rings true. I used to bend over backwards to accommodate and now won’t because of the effect on our shared children. Time for him (and me) to grow a backbone! Thanks!!

DinoHat · 07/06/2021 16:01

Yes very true re tolerance. It’s much easier to be tolerant prior to your own children - with the burn out and extra mental burden they bring.

Happygogoat · 07/06/2021 16:17

I was a happy 8 year old until my mum had another child with my stepdad. My stepdads clear wish for the "just us" you describe caused me so much trauma. It also ultimately destroyed their marriage (decades too late) as she eventually realised he simply did not want me around - by then I was an adult though and if he had stuck around I simply would have seen my mum far less than I do now!

Don't be foul. Children will pick up on this. They didn't ask to be born; they didn't ask for their parents to split and they didn't ask to be a blended family. They are at the mercy of all the adults here who were and are old enough to know what they are doing - you included. You chose this man AFTER you knew he had kids.

Do what you can to smooth things with the ex/arrangements if there is room for improvement but basically this is horrible to read.

SandyY2K · 07/06/2021 18:19

My stepdads clear wish for the "just us" you describe caused me so much trauma.

This is very relevant and as much as stepparents don't think the child knows how they feel, it's really not always the case.

In many cases it's not even that the Ex is a problem...it just becomes irritating and annoying for stepparents to have stepchildren around and the desire for it to be 'just us'.

minipie · 07/06/2021 19:00

@Nightbear

I think that if someone gets involved with a man who has DC and then gets annoyed at children being children or being at the house too often, then ‘you knew what you were choosing’ might be a valid comment.

When the issue isn’t the DC but the way their partner deals with his ex or parents their joint children differently to his other DC I don’t think you necessarily know before hand.

That’s fair
Cam2020 · 07/06/2021 19:06

Constructive. 👏🏻

Is OP’s partner a person or possession? It’s not clear from your post.

I think it's fair to say he is their dad and nothing will change that?!

No, he is not her possession - he was married to someone else once. Marriage is not always permanent, parenthood is.
👏🏻