I wish DH didn't already have children - there, I said it!

[ILikeYoYo]

Since having our DC I just wish it was only us, I'd be so much happier.

I know that makes me terrible but I can't stand living and planning our lives around his ex. There's always something going on, always a problem or some sort of drama, always chopping and changing contact and so on.

I'm aware it makes me sound horrible but whilst the kids are good kids, they don't make up for the huge PITA this all is.

I feel like his, mine and our DCs lives just revolve around the DSC.

@Anotheruser02
Well said👏

I chose not to have a child with DH. There were many reasons, but life could be such an exhausting circus with DSS/the ex, it really didn’t seem a good idea to bring a baby into the equation. DH always had the best intentions, but the ex really pulled his strings and he was terrified of rocking the boat. Although he couldn’t say what he thought might happen if he did actually rock the boat …

I very much know how you feel, ignore they people making you out to be an evil step mum! My DSC are grown up now with a DC of their own. I can categorically tell you live got so much easier when they were teens and old enough to arrange contact on their own and we didn’t have to wait or go via ex.

@Keepingitreal14

I very much know how you feel, ignore they people making you out to be an evil step mum! My DSC are grown up now with a DC of their own. I can categorically tell you live got so much easier when they were teens and old enough to arrange contact on their own and we didn’t have to wait or go via ex.

Eagerly awaiting that day!!

There are a very few posters on here that seem to nail being a step parent to those I take my hat off to.

The ones who have nailed it are not on MN complaining.

It can be a stressful life having your partner's Ex as part of his life when their relationship is over. That's what would annoy me really. If they hate each other it's a problem...they get on well SM can become jealous. Monitoring texts...not happy a text isn't child related. All this stuff about boundaries..jeez.

Relationships are challenging enough, without these added issues.

I've made my kids promise they won't settle down with a man with kids and told them all problems that often arise....they say they won't. They don't need the stress of it all.

These are totally normal feelings OP, esp after having your own child. People can say the most irritating, unhelpful and pointless comments of 'you got with someone who had kids' 'you knew what you were getting into' blah blah boring crap.

No one is a fortune teller, you cant predict how you might feel tomorrow let alone a year or so down the line. Having your own child brings so much complex emotion you've never felt before and its just simply not natural to love children that arent yours the same. It doesnt mean you hate them and dont want them around but its just the reality, and theres nothing wrong with that. The SC have 2 parents, you are not their parent.

You need to speak to your DP though and a more stable plan needs to be put in place. Its not fair on you, your child, your partner or the SC to be constantly messing around with no structure. Children need structure and even more so when family is split.

When SC are with your DH they are his responsibility when they are with their BM they are hers and thats it.

Hope you're ok, its tough and i fight with resentment and guilt weekly, its exhausting but i just focus on my darling children and myself x

Have the two of you considered changing the arrangements so they are resident with you both FT and go to their mums on set days?

You might not realise that being part of a blended family is such hard work if you've never experienced one, or have only seen positive ones.

I sympathise OP. Lots of things people take for granted in family life are so much harder when it comes to stepfamilies.

My SCs are lovely children and I have a good relationship with them, enjoy spending time with them etc etc, but it still does my head in having to plan everything we do throughout the year around when they will or won't be here, even if it's something that doesn't actually involve them at all. Even when the kids aren't here, our days can often revolve around when DP is phoning them, or when he's planned to play a game online with SS.

I especially worry about how things will be when my OH and I have a child together. I'm sure loads of things will crop up which we've avoided thus far by being able to essentially do our own thing a lot of the time when he has the kids. The added pressure of a joint child must be immense.

No one is a fortune teller, you cant predict how you might feel tomorrow let alone a year or so down the line. Having your own child brings so much complex emotion you've never felt before and its just simply not natural to love children that arent yours the same. It doesnt mean you hate them and dont want them around but its just the reality, and theres nothing wrong with that. The SC have 2 parents, you are not their parent.

I agree with this, and also just from a logistical POV things must become so much harder when you have a joint child as well.

Lots of things will crop up when another child is in the mix, that you might never have even considered even if you've been in a relationship with your DP for years prior to adding a new baby to the family. Just little things like how much holiday your DP has available, or the plans he makes over Christmas which never used to affect you because you could spend a day celebrating with DP & SCs and then head off to your own family. Loads of things must be thrown into sharp relief by the arrival of a new baby.

@Bibidy absolutely spot on. And it's not just the logistics and practicalities - throw an awkward ex and a Disney Dad into the mix, and life gets a whole lot more complicated.

Bibidy totally true.
That’s why it’s totally fine for a man or woman to say I’m not settling down with someone who already has kids.
They have their head screwed on, even if they get slated on here.

I think I’d feel exactly the same...

Which is why I stayed well away from men with children when I was single. I wouldn’t want to make an already difficult situation fraught. I wouldn’t want to be the reason children feel distant or unwanted from their father.
My stepdad was a “doting father figure” to the outside world. At home, it was really clear he wanted it to just be my mum and his kids.

@Bibidy

If you know you already feel this way, why are you planning on having children with him?
You already know it’ll get worse and the resentment will grow.

Looking in from the outside, I see it has become the norm that when parents split up the children end up having 2 homes.

Would it not be better to accept the children would benefit from having one full time home and the absent parent sees the children in a regular but social situation?

I do think with the frequency of divorce it will become unsustainable to provide 2 homes for the ever increasing number of children who have split parents.

It would make life so much easier for all concerned, no jealousy or one upmanship, when absent parent sees their children, they would be totally focused on them and not be sharing time and energy with any new scenario.

I think society has fallen into this trap of thinking the child should have 2 homes. It’s not healthy for the child or the adults.

[quote AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]@Bibidy

If you know you already feel this way, why are you planning on having children with him?
You already know it’ll get worse and the resentment will grow.[/quote]
Well as others have said, you can never truly know how things will go. I worry about these things the same way I worry about whether my DP would get up for nightfeeds and various other things. Nothing is guaranteed for any of us though I have no doubt that there are unique challenges in a step-family situation.

I love my DP and we have been in a happy relationship for several years now, and I have a great relationship with my SCs. However, they are not the be all and end all of my life to the point where I wouldn't have a child of my own due to them existing. But I also do appreciate that there are lots of things that won't be ideal for me in this scenario and I don't expect them to be. I think as long as everyone involved is realistic about the situation then it can work very well. It's when either party has ridiculous expectations - ie, that someone will love kids that aren't theirs as theirs, or that someone will act as if their 3rd child is their 1st and only - that it is a recipe for disaster.

I think we’ll just have to disagree on that one, @Bibidy

@ApplePie86

Personally I could never imagine myself in a relationship with someone who already had children. Only exception I would've made is if they'd been widowed. Even that would be problematic.

Yep. Never ceases to amaze me how many single, childfree people hitch their wagon to someone who's got a freight train worth of baggage. Life is hard enough without this.

I think people need to stop buying into the narrative that blended families are easy and "the norm" and that marrying a man or woman with baggage is easy

This! I can't understand why so many people feel the need to procreate with every long term partner they have. All it does is mess up the (usually non resident) DCs. The DCs will be picking up on OP's resentment.

@PomegranateQueen

I think people need to stop buying into the narrative that blended families are easy and "the norm" and that marrying a man or woman with baggage is easy

This! I can't understand why so many people feel the need to procreate with every long term partner they have. All it does is mess up the (usually non resident) DCs. The DCs will be picking up on OP's resentment.

That's what gets me, needing to procreate with every 'partner' like it's a way to cement the relationship or somehow the relationship doesn't have as much value if there's no child together in it. Even sadder are people who get involved with all this drama and they're not even married to the bloke!

@soreenqueen21

I think people need to stop buying into the narrative that blended families are easy and "the norm" and that marrying a man or woman with baggage is easy

I don't think most people think that all. Many of us wouldn't dream of getting into one.

Yes I definitely wouldn't say that's the narrative around blended families. If anything I'd say most people - certainly a lot of women - are incredibly wary of dating a man with kids.

Fair enough but does someone instantly know about DSC ,or if they fancy them first and then find out ,just drop them

If he has existing kids, then yes I'd expect to know about them pretty quickly. If it was withheld from me, I'd consider that deceptive.

I was dating a guy many years ago before I got married and about the 3rd or 4th date he told me he had DC. I made that my last date with him, even though I fancied him....a lot.

He said he actually got on well with ex, but I didn't need an Ex GF forever part of his life. I always wanted my firsts to be my DHs first. First baby, first house together, first wedding...no baggage required.

It doesnt mean you hate them and dont want them around

In many the SP doesn't want them around though and in such threads, they've admitted as much.

When statements like "I'd be happy if I never saw them again" are said, that means you don't want them around. They're reluctantly tolerated.

The SC have 2 parents, you are not their parent.

This was never in dispute and there shouldn't be an expectation for a third parent.

There are a hell of a lot of children with half siblings, step siblings, full siblings etc etc a hell of a lot.
In lots of instances it works. In many other cases it doesn’t.

In all honesty I don’t know how people cope I really don’t.
Your own kids can be a nightmare never mind someone else’s.