I wish DH didn't already have children - there, I said it!

[ILikeYoYo]

Since having our DC I just wish it was only us, I'd be so much happier.

I know that makes me terrible but I can't stand living and planning our lives around his ex. There's always something going on, always a problem or some sort of drama, always chopping and changing contact and so on.

I'm aware it makes me sound horrible but whilst the kids are good kids, they don't make up for the huge PITA this all is.

I feel like his, mine and our DCs lives just revolve around the DSC.

All of these comments are why stepparents can’t post on here. There’s constructive challenge and there’s being downright rude- if you have nothing constructive to add, and just have an axe to grind then don’t frequent the step parent sub-forum. All circumstances are different, And the OP just came here looking for solidarity, support and to get it off their chest.

It’s hard @ILikeYoYo, I hope you’re doing ok xx

All of these comments are why stepparents can’t post on here. There’s constructive challenge and there’s being downright rude

I don't think it's fair to say all of the comments are rude. Some may be, others are constructive, but that's not unusual of a public forum, where people speak from their own perspectives.

It’s very hard but gets easier as they get older and there is less co-parenting!

I completely agree @Aurora791

I honestly don’t know why some people bother posting their useless, unhelpful spite on some of these SP threads.

I've ended up separating from my partner because I couldn't deal with this exact scenario any more. Having a high conflict ex messing with everything deliberately is was debilitating and exhausting for me on every level. It was the one thing I never wanted to happen - my kids being from a "broken home" but honestly it's just so much of a weight off my shoulders that it was totally worth it for us all so far. And I didn't bring kids in to this situation, the ex was "normal" until she found out I was pregnant and then went out her way to make our lives hell for years. I'm so glad I don't have to deal any more.

This is why I would never date a man with kids. Too much baggage.

I think it’s fair to say that she knew what she was getting into at the point she started to wish the DSC weren’t around. Because let’s face it, while she is attributing the problem to his ex, this has manifested in her wishing the SC weren’t around.

And the truth is that it always seems to be the ex who is the issue. If the man doesn’t see enough of his children then it’s obviously the ex’s fault. If the children are always around then that is also the ex’s fault. So what is it people expect? For there to be some kind of rigid schedule when his children (who are people in their own right, never deviate from?

Personally I think we need to move away from this expectation that families can be blended, invariably they can’t. Or that you can have kids with a man who already has kids or if you already have kids. The more parents and children who are involved the less successful the family is likely to be, and once the parents and step parents’ resentment fades because of the children growing up, invariably the children then grow up with resentments of their own because of how they were made to feel when they were growing up. And children know. Don’t think for a minute that they don’t, because they do. Always.

People need to start accepting that if a relationship breaks down they don’t have another one if there are kids involved, and certainly shouldn’t be bringing more kids into the world.

I would never date a man with kids and by the same token I accept entirely that men might not want to date me as I have a child. My DP did, and he and DS have a good relationship, however DP has never lived with me, so DS’ space has always been his own.

My ex on the other hand has a partner who has her own child and they have a child together. And DS has next to no relationship with any of them apart from his dad.

Awful situation when the adults are all equally.....adult. For this situation to be happy the blender family needs to become genuinely United so that all the parents parent all the children and there is no competition for time and resource but instead a pooling of time and resource giving all children more security and all adults more freedom and less stress.

*Aren't equally adult

Yes, but children are simply adults in the making. Perhaps it would be best to concentrate on the integrity and positive experiences in their lives, rather than the fairy tale idea of the perfect family unit. When children get to 21 or so, you see them as people with their hopes, frailties and wants, not as little components of the family experience.

You have had your childhood and your early adulthood: you can be strong and thankful enough to look beyond the inconveniences and to make sure positive, nurturing vibes are around everybody.

When you and your partner are old and less able, those siblings can be supporting one another.

It sounds like your partner is the problem. The children will be well aware how much you resent them and I'm sure they dont like being shunted back and forth to a home where they aren't wanted. I appreciate this is supposed to be a supportive step parent board but you have choices as to how you deal with this in an adult way. The children are just sucking up all the bad feeling and internalizing it, probably blaming themselves.

The hopes and aspirations your partner has for his older kids are part of him, too. Surely you engage and empathize with those feelings as part of having a relationship with him, and try to help him to make things good for them.

As you get older, your past becomes more a part of who you are: you can't just close down those associations and feelings and willingly start again at the beginning, going through exactly the same cycle but with different people. For the partner's sake, it's good to invest as much feeling and thought in those older children as possible.

A lot of people post on these threads because they experience it from the other side or they have experienced it as a child themselves.

It was one of the reasons it took me so long to leave ex, because I've experienced having a reluctant step mother and a weak father. Friends children are experiencing being pushed out by a 'new family'.

Its one of the reasons I've decided to stay single so that when the inevitable happen and ex gets a new wife who decides the kids are are a PITA they will at least have one secure home.

This isn't new, its cuckoo syndrome, there has been a rise in the last 40 years to second marriages failing due to the pre existing children upsetting the some times very delicate balance of the new family life after a empty family nest has been 'restocked'. Expense often being one of the factors.

What you should do OP is leave. Then all your children can be equal. Then you would experience it from all sides. Maybe your feelings would some what.

There are a very few posters on here that seem to nail being a step parent to those I take my hat off to. Getting with a man who already has children take buckets loads of emotional intelligence. It seems its seriously lacking in some cases.

Can you talk about the practical side of this with your DP? It sounds like the access arrangements are unfair. Of course you took it on so you gotta make it work, but equally he needs to do what he can not to make it head spinningly difficult for you. If it carries on like this your resentment will grow.

Can you have an (edited, practical) come to Jesus conversation with him, and say you need to come out with a plan for improvement

I am a stepmother BTW - tis hard. Should get easier as the kids get older.

we can't plan anything ever for a time we aren't supposed to have DSC because you can guarantee we'll be asked at the last minute

This is the pivotal moment, he chooses to keep his ex sweet and throws your plans in the air.

This is where YOU stick to the original plan, "no DH I'll take the kids camping then and you stay here and appease your ex", yeah you will feel like a single parent on those occasions, and so will he, but there are worse things to be I quite like the occasions I have with my child alone. You can have moments as a single parent or infuriating moments when his ex is dictating your life, he wont change his behaviour while you passively accept that the ex is the one at fault and treat him like a co victim.

Make plans, keep them. He is the one who is a maybe will maybe wont.

What a shame then that your DH was the only man left on earth.

You chose a man with children. There's no point to wishing them away.

I have to agree with comments that the children were there before you.
You chose to settle with a man who had already had children and an ex.
She is an ex for a reason, always remember that.
I wonder why women do this. Why settle for this.
The children should come first.
However as is often said, you have a dh problem.
Either you tell him, no, I am sticking to the original plan or you suck it up.
There isn't an alternative.
I am separated from my children's father.
His new wife is an absolute cunt. I won't list the vile things she has done and said to my children whilst he has stood buy and allowed it but hey hoy some people are abusive.
You have the right to feel how you feel and it sounds like hell to be fair.
I think people need to stop buying into the narrative that blended families are easy and "the norm" and that marrying a man or woman with baggage is easy
Perhaps it's time for a new narrative.

I think people need to stop buying into the narrative that blended families are easy and "the norm" and that marrying a man or woman with baggage is easy
Perhaps it's time for a new narrative.

That isn’t a narrative.

This has just become a pile on now. As usual posters are ignoring the OP and just dissecting blended families in general, rather than actually focusing on the issue at hand.

I hope you’ve had some useful advice OP amongst all that OP.

Then why on Earth did you get involved with a man who already has kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

Can't you just arrange things for you and DC to do and do it anyway - maybe because my DH worked away a lot I didn't wait for him to be there for family stuff - just got on with it.
Can't see why you can't - do your stuff - then be happy to see DSCs when you get home.
Why does ex get to dictate your life - unless DH is not pulling his weight with regards to his own dCs and you are caring for all DCs.

I wish more than ever that my OH had a career that paid 200k and he told me I could quit my job forever!

I'm sure everyone has an unrealistic fantasy that would make their life easier and happier. The issue is when it unconsciously start affecting your every day feelings and build resentment, thinking that you're hard done by because your partner comes with some baggage. Sadly, even when you might think you are totally bidding your feelings, it slip out in your behaviour.

So as long as it is just a fantasy like wishing you'd won the lottery, it's fine. If it's more than that, you really need to work on yourself to make it so or it will eat your inside and gradually eat at your relationship with the kids and OH.

Getting with a man who already has children take buckets loads of emotional intelligence. It seems its seriously lacking in some cases.
Except @Scrambledcustard it's most often the men - the df's - & their exes who are lacking the emotional intelligence!!!! NOT the sms - and I say that as a dm!
Most sms on here come across as lovely well balanced women whose situations actually get worse as time goes on which is why they end up posting here. Exes get more manipulative, dc start mimicking this behaviour as they older & most times it kicks off when dad dares moves in with someone/gets married/has more dc.
I would argue that the ensuing kick off from exes & the subsequent responses from the nrp are the things that are lacking in emotional intelligence - NOT the sms who start seeing their lives & those of their own dc upended by re-emerging fallout from separation/divorce that was never properly dealt with even though the sm was probably told it was!
It is very hard to deal with any child who is not being parented properly & unfortunately many sms get unwilling dragged into the middle of two parents using their dc as point scorers.
But no, it's so much easier to blame the sm for everything that's wrong with a blended dynamic and absolve the idiot parents who can't get their shit together for the sake of their dc.

@Magda72

Getting with a man who already has children take buckets loads of emotional intelligence. It seems its seriously lacking in some cases. Except *@Scrambledcustard* it's most often the men - the df's - & their exes who are lacking the emotional intelligence!!!! NOT the sms - and I say that as a dm! Most sms on here come across as lovely well balanced women whose situations actually get worse as time goes on which is why they end up posting here. Exes get more manipulative, dc start mimicking this behaviour as they older & most times it kicks off when dad dares moves in with someone/gets married/has more dc. I would argue that the ensuing kick off from exes & the subsequent responses from the nrp are the things that are lacking in emotional intelligence - NOT the sms who start seeing their lives & those of their own dc upended by re-emerging fallout from separation/divorce that was never properly dealt with even though the sm was probably told it was! It is very hard to deal with any child who is not being parented properly & unfortunately many sms get unwilling dragged into the middle of two parents using their dc as point scorers. But no, it's so much easier to blame the sm for everything that's wrong with a blended dynamic and absolve the idiot parents who can't get their shit together for the sake of their dc.

I'd agree with a lot of this, but also I'd say that it takes a lot of compromise, communication and occasional friction to raise a child with someone even when you didn't break up. My married friends have issues with their husbands parenting/ lack of, they let things go more than they would if they didn't love him anymore they seem to have connections which help them overlook the things they don't see eye to eye on and when situations do erupt that is contained in their house. No one else is brought into it, they are face to face arguing it out until it's done, not with one of them reporting to their new partner/ other people everything from their side making the other parent the unreasonable one, whilst the partner agrees creating the echo chamber effect. Things don't fester so much for them. There isn't an atmosphere of this person is so disapproving we should tippytoe around her outbursts, they try to see each others sides because they want to make their marriages work and unequal parenting is a marital/ relationship issue it's about respecting each other and being fair to each other. Only when the couple split is it only about the good of the children because the parents have no relationship left to preserve with give and take for each other. They also don't benefit from what the other person is working on while they put in the lions share of the parenting, so it's seen as more selfish and taking from their children rather than earning for the good of the family/ working on the family home/ studying to better themselves for the children's benefit. I don't know how many times I've tried to arrange things with my friends getting the kids together for things or trying to get out child free together and the constant response is "I don't know DH's shifts yet, he'll know two weeks ahead of the date", or "That weekend might work if DH misses football to have the kids, he's checking." That shit just wouldn't fly if they were exes trying to co parent, yet sounds quite reasonable and only a bit irritating when someone is talking about their partner.