Fiancé wants to completly withdraw from DSD's

[45thighs123]

Hi all,

I wonder if anyone has experienced this. My fiance is so alienated from his first two kids aged 5 and 7 he now just wants to withdraw completely.

We live 250 mile away. Contact has been sporadic over the last three years and he left the ex 4.5 years ago he does have to move heaven and earth to get contact time . He just says he cannot deal with the high conflict anymore. We have a one year old together and he's amazing with his son and we have great family time . I'm at a loss , it's his choice so what am I meant to think ??!?? I'm so conflicted. I get on with DSD but to be honest I have not seen them very much. He pays maintenance and always has. He said when they are older he will be there. But I've never seen a parent emotionally withdraw before. And when I see him with our son , I always ask well could you leave him ?He says it's different circumstances, different partner and he's committed to this family life. He has deep regrets over having his first two so young and he didn't want the second to be blunt he said he knew by then the relationship was doomed and bringing another baby into it was a massive mistake. But he's still responsible. Should I just accept his decision and move on?

@beigerocket
I'm sorry I've misinterpreted your post and reported my answer to be removed for this reason.

Never ever would I be with a man who gave up on his children. Not that he's a man at all.
OP has said it suits her as well now that she has the shiny new kid so it's pretty much a foregone conclusion. She's certainly not going to encourage him to do the right thing.
Any man who continues having children whilst leaving others behind is a disgusting human being. What's with the idea that every new relationship needs to have a baby that seems so prevalent on MN?
Doesn't cement anything with a man like this, that's for sure.
Does, however, have the potential to really damage those children left behind. What a loser.

Believe me @45thighs123* if he chose to distant himself from his kids he will do the same to yours. My ex has told every lie in the book to anyone who will listen about how I stop him seeing our children, I have done everything I can to get him to see them, he just can't be arsed.

It's been 2 years now and I have made sure I have kept every email, text etc to show my kids it was not me who alienated him. It's never as they say it is.*

Really, it's NEVER how they say it is? There have been several people who have given examples where the mother has not truly blocked access and the father has been using that as an excuse, and there have also been several examples where the parental alienation WAS real. I would argue that the reason some men use it as an excuse is because it is actually a real and common thing, making the lie believable. There are bad fathers who abandon their kids for no good reasons, and there are bad mothers who do everything in their power to ensure the other parent is alienated. Both are common and entirely real possibilities.

As for "if he chose to distance himself from his other kids he will do the same to yours" - so many have said this now but the statement is missing the obvious. In cases where the parental alienation is real and that is what has led to the situation, there is no reason he would do that to his others kids without similar provocation. It wouldn't concern me because I don't underestimate what genuine, aggressive parental alienation is like. Anyone could eventually learn to live without anyone if there was nothing they could do to get them back, that's the honest truth many find so uncomfortable. There is a grieving process but ultimately most would end up carrying on with their lives, otherwise they'd have to resign themselves to suicidal misery for the rest of it.

People that genuinely go down the parental alienation route, and they DO exist, deserve the same scorn that is applied to "deadbeat dads" on threads like this, the damage they cause is unconscionable and so often excused with "I bet he's just lying and can't be bothered". They are two sides of the same ugly coin.

I agree with pretty much everyone. I couldn’t be with anyone that could walk away from their children. I couldn’t even be friends with someone like that. Him ‘not having a bond’ with the little one and saying he never wanted her is chilling. To be blunt, he came inside her mother so her existence was a possibility he should have taken on board. And if there’s not a bond he can work very hard to build one not just write off a little girl. He should phone, write, send little gifts and you should all be urgently looking towards moving house.

@aSofaNearYou

Believe me @45thighs123* if he chose to distant himself from his kids he will do the same to yours. My ex has told every lie in the book to anyone who will listen about how I stop him seeing our children, I have done everything I can to get him to see them, he just can't be arsed.

It's been 2 years now and I have made sure I have kept every email, text etc to show my kids it was not me who alienated him. It's never as they say it is.*

Really, it's NEVER how they say it is? There have been several people who have given examples where the mother has not truly blocked access and the father has been using that as an excuse, and there have also been several examples where the parental alienation WAS real. I would argue that the reason some men use it as an excuse is because it is actually a real and common thing, making the lie believable. There are bad fathers who abandon their kids for no good reasons, and there are bad mothers who do everything in their power to ensure the other parent is alienated. Both are common and entirely real possibilities.

As for "if he chose to distance himself from his other kids he will do the same to yours" - so many have said this now but the statement is missing the obvious. In cases where the parental alienation is real and that is what has led to the situation, there is no reason he would do that to his others kids without similar provocation. It wouldn't concern me because I don't underestimate what genuine, aggressive parental alienation is like. Anyone could eventually learn to live without anyone if there was nothing they could do to get them back, that's the honest truth many find so uncomfortable. There is a grieving process but ultimately most would end up carrying on with their lives, otherwise they'd have to resign themselves to suicidal misery for the rest of it.

People that genuinely go down the parental alienation route, and they DO exist, deserve the same scorn that is applied to "deadbeat dads" on threads like this, the damage they cause is unconscionable and so often excused with "I bet he's just lying and can't be bothered". They are two sides of the same ugly coin.

But I've never seen a parent emotionally withdraw before.

He has deep regrets over having his first two so young and he didn't want the second to be blunt he said he knew by then the relationship was doomed and bringing another baby into it was a massive mistake.

These stick out to me from the OP, conveniently 2 children he didn't really want he is being kept from seeing, and rather than be sad about the supposed alienation, has emotionally withdrawn. All the ex's fault of course.

@Peppapeg what's the relevance of that? Correlation is not causation, regret over the circumstances of having the kids is pretty common after an acrimonious split.

OP also mentioned lots of high conflict behaviour from this ex, but you didn't focus on that part.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Peppapeg what's the relevance of that? Correlation is not causation, regret over the circumstances of having the kids is pretty common after an acrimonious split.

OP also mentioned lots of high conflict behaviour from this ex, but you didn't focus on that part.[/quote]
Be interested to hear the other side of the story, can't imagine someone who by their own emission hasn't bonded with their second, and never wanted either has made a concerted effort to see his children. Also though always wonder what is so amazing about these blokes that the exes are still bitter and heartbroken years on.

Poor man. Doing everything he should and a bitch of a woman causing as much damage as she can while using the kids as a reason to twist the knife. Sadly too many women get away Scott free with this behavior. The kids suffer they always do, but so long as the mum can play the poor me game on Facebook it's all they care about.
I can see why he's stepping back tbh. Good for him for continuing to financially support them. He has a right to see his children the excuse of a mother needs to be reminded of that. Through the courts if necessary. I can't abide people that split then use their children as an excuse to carry on with shitty behavior.
He's said he will be there when they are older. I don't see what else he can do. Can you keep an eye on any Facebook posts that rant about him or both of you. Screenshot if anything slandering is posted, but don't reply. It's a public forum remember.

So I should leave a happy relationship a happy family. Take my son from his home with his dad. Is that the answer to the issues here? Split another family and this one is happy ??

I get all the comments , I do , but does that mean I am meant or expected to leave my.fiance out of protest ? Split our house up due to.choices and actions that I have no control of. I can only judge what I see and he's a very loving hands on father to our son and has been for the year. What good would it do to up sticks and leave. It won't solve anything

I agree, it wouldn’t solve anything. Parental alienation can be very difficult. It might be a good idea for him to see a solicitor though, just to get a professional opinion on his options.

Ultimately, if he hasn't bonded with his children, it means that he wasn't there physically or emotionally when they were babies, ie. when he was still with the mother. So whatever he says, he can't just fully and solely blame the mum.

You say he was young, and with that probably immature and selfish.

Maybe it i for the best that he goes if there is no bond. it's easy to assume that the kids will be heatbroken but in all reality, they might not care at all, consider another man their dad and it will be a relief not to see him again.

It sounds like he missed the boat and that's that now. What is most despicable though is how he so easily blame the mum when he chose to have another child rather than going to court, knowing that another child will cost much more than court would.

However horrible the mum really is, it only comes down to him that he feels the way he does. It's his resolving himself of all responsibility for the failure is really an indication that he still has a lot of growing up to do. This is what would most totally put me off a man like that.

@45thighs123

I get all the comments , I do , but does that mean I am meant or expected to leave my.fiance out of protest ? Split our house up due to.choices and actions that I have no control of. I can only judge what I see and he's a very loving hands on father to our son and has been for the year. What good would it do to up sticks and leave. It won't solve anything

You arent expected or meant to do anything about this. You arent obliged follow every piece of advice on a message board. You asked for peoples views and got them. What you do with the information is up to you. I do think its pretty shitty to give up on your kids with so little fight, and yes I do think that it likely means that if you were to split up with him, he would be capable of doing the same thing

@45thighs123

So I should leave a happy relationship a happy family. Take my son from his home with his dad. Is that the answer to the issues here? Split another family and this one is happy ??

That’s MN logic. That will satisfy posters. Second families don’t have feelings anyway OP. You should have considered that before posting.

I couldn’t love someone that walked away from their children. It shows something very cruel and detached about them. He may well do the same to your child one day. He doesn’t deserve children.

You've basically inferred that he's a good hands on father with a child that lives under his roof 24/7. People travel hundreds of miles every weekend to see their children. Not just non resident fathers.. No resident mothers too. Pay the court feet, represent yourself and show those girls he's willing to fight for them rather than giving up.

You're not expected to do anything, but it just doesn't reflect well on his character. Be aware that him being hands on only extends to when he actually lives with his child. If you split, don't assume he'll be doing OEW childcare so you get a break!

No, @saraclara - as per my other posts mum remained obstructive so dad made the heartbreaking decision to stop contact. We didn’t have any money, it didn’t stop dad trying for 10+ years.

Honestly I think the majority of posters are being unnecessarily harsh here. I've known three men on the receiving end of this type of behaviour, whether through spite or hurt feelings or potentially some kind of personality disorder in one case. It does happen. It's just that on here, you're much more likely to be getting responses from women who have the opposite experience and they know for some men it's all too easy to walk away, give up at the first obstacle, and then blame the 'crazy ex'.

However. I don't think your fiancé is doing the right thing here. However he's feeling, he needs to continue to take the high road and try and maintain reasonable relations with his ex, and if necessary take it to court to ensure access. If you're both decent people, you will support and encourage him in that, especially if he's at a low ebb. Honestly I think you would lose respect for him if he gives up, and that will seriously damage your relationship over time. Be supportive but make it clear he needs to be the adult and keep trying. There is no point at which you just give up on being a parent to your children. That is unacceptable.

You said that it would suit you if he did walk away. How much an impact this has on his feelings? Are you telling him that this shouldn't be an option, that you'd think less of him if he did, and instead will help him with looking at the best way to go to court. It doesn't have to cost a lot at all.

Why hasn’t the deadbeat gone to court? The mother is trash for moving so far away, but the deadbeat should obviously have been to court from day one. Disgraceful failure of a man.

@45thighs123 you asked our opinions. We’ve given them. How does it make you feel that he could walk away without even trying to go to court? If he can’t afford the £215 (which can be reduced or waived for those on low incomes) how would he afford to travel on a regular basis to see his children even if mum allowed it?

I might not leave in your circumstances (but then I wouldn’t have had a child with someone hadn’t tried to go to court for children they already had) but I also wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up doing the same to you.

@45thighs123

So I should leave a happy relationship a happy family. Take my son from his home with his dad. Is that the answer to the issues here? Split another family and this one is happy ??

Welcome to the World of Mumsnet! The logic on here is crazy at times. You know the situation with your DP, it's all very well strangers villifying him on a forum board, but they don't have to live in your situation. You do what's right for you and your family. Take care, and all the best x

You’ll always be seen as as guilty as him unfortunately.
It does irritate me how people think women are responsible for their husband’s choices. If he doesn’t want to bother with his children then there’s only so much convincing you can do! But you’ll still be seen as partly to blame .

[quote DelilahDingleberry]@45thighs123 you asked our opinions. We’ve given them. How does it make you feel that he could walk away without even trying to go to court? If he can’t afford the £215 (which can be reduced or waived for those on low incomes) how would he afford to travel on a regular basis to see his children even if mum allowed it?

I might not leave in your circumstances (but then I wouldn’t have had a child with someone hadn’t tried to go to court for children they already had) but I also wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up doing the same to you.[/quote]
You keep going on about this £215, it's never as low as that in reality. Just because you supported someone years ago and it was that much. In reality nowadays it's often 10x that.