Fiancé wants to completly withdraw from DSD's

[45thighs123]

Hi all,

I wonder if anyone has experienced this. My fiance is so alienated from his first two kids aged 5 and 7 he now just wants to withdraw completely.

We live 250 mile away. Contact has been sporadic over the last three years and he left the ex 4.5 years ago he does have to move heaven and earth to get contact time . He just says he cannot deal with the high conflict anymore. We have a one year old together and he's amazing with his son and we have great family time . I'm at a loss , it's his choice so what am I meant to think ??!?? I'm so conflicted. I get on with DSD but to be honest I have not seen them very much. He pays maintenance and always has. He said when they are older he will be there. But I've never seen a parent emotionally withdraw before. And when I see him with our son , I always ask well could you leave him ?He says it's different circumstances, different partner and he's committed to this family life. He has deep regrets over having his first two so young and he didn't want the second to be blunt he said he knew by then the relationship was doomed and bringing another baby into it was a massive mistake. But he's still responsible. Should I just accept his decision and move on?

If he can afford another child, he could’ve afford court.

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

Obviously its a scummy thing to do...... However I can see his predicament. I think its disgusting how the courts allow some women to be puppet master and ride roughshod over children developing a relationship with both sides of their family. It's wrong.

What court? The man hasn’t bothered his arse, he’s happy to emotionally damage his kids by discarding them, and then breed some more. No court involved, sadly.

It wouldn’t be 215 if the order was repeatedly breached and he had to apply for enforcement. The order is just a piece of paper unless you go back to court to enforce and you can end up doing that repeatedly, waiting months and months for a court date each time. Someone who wants to stall can do so very effectively and there are few consequences. Not saying he shouldn’t try, of course he should.

@ProudPolyGradSingleMum

If he can afford another child, he could’ve afford court.

How do you know OP isn’t the breadwinner? It’s not 1950.

OP, really all that you have heard are the varied opinions as to what others think that they would think , feel , and do in similar circumstances. That is really the only input that anyone can provide to you.

You are gambling on the assumption that every thing that he has told you about his backstory is accurate and true. You are assuming that he will act differently with you because you are a better woman than his ex. Your assumption is that it was her lack of character and integrity that led him to make the choices and act or in his case fail to act as he did.

You can only hope that his past does not represent a cautionary tale about his future. Hopefully, you and your child will never have to discover anything about his staying power when faced with challenges or decisions that require less than easy action on hi part. You can only hope that he is the man that you are assuming him to be and not the man that his past inaction and omissions suggest him to be.

Hopefully, he will bring a staying power and commitment to your son that he did not demonstrate to his older children. With luck maybe you got a better version of the man than did his first family.

What court? The man hasn’t bothered his arse, he’s happy to emotionally damage his kids by discarding them, and then breed some more. No court involved, sadly.

Jesus your language is so unnecessarily derogatory in each comment. Why should anyone listen to you when you refer to the birth of their child as "breeding more"?

It sounds like he missed the boat and that's that now.

One of the children is only 5 years old, the boat hasn't even set sail yet! He has years to repair the damage.

So I should leave a happy relationship a happy family. Take my son from his home with his dad. Is that the answer to the issues here? Split another family and this one is happy ??

No, you tell him how you would feel if he was to just give up on any of his children. These children he is planning on abandoning are your son's brothers/sisters, how and when are you going to explain to your own ds that daddy just walked away from them because he could no longer be bothered with the hassle.

Are you telling him that this shouldn't be an option, that you'd think less of him if he did, and instead will help him with looking at the best way to go to court. It doesn't have to cost a lot at all.

What's the implication here, that OP is at fault if she is not doing these things?

She says he’s got a job and pays maintenance

He should have gone to court - says it all that he hasn’t.

No, you tell him how you would feel if he was to just give up on any of his children. These children he is planning on abandoning are your son's brothers/sisters, how and when are you going to explain to your own ds that daddy just walked away from them because he could no longer be bothered with the hassle.

Well it will be his job to explain that, won't it. Honestly, I understand why people are shocked by his attitude, but I never understand why people try to pull the "these are your child's siblings, why aren't you personally appalled" card. I am a step parent - that connection is important to my DP, not me.

It is not OPs job to push any of this.

Maybe it is for the best that he goes if there is no bond. it's easy to assume that the kids will be heatbroken but in all reality, they might not care at all, consider another man their dad and it will be a relief not to see him again.

It sounds like he missed the boat and that's that now.

This is a fair point. There doesn't seem to be a bond and the kids may barely notice if they never see him again.

*For those saying they’d never walk away - what if your ex was abusive to your child every time they saw you? What if they told your child terrifying stories about you and told them that if they saw daddy, they’d never see mummy again? What if you saw your child becoming a shadow of their normal selves? What if you saw it only getting worse and worse over many years?

What if you spent years telling the courts, CAFCASS, social services, anyone, and nothing happened? The alienating parent was allowed to carry on?*

So I'm an NRP Mum. This is exactly what has happened to me over the last 4 years. Many of you may choose to disbelieve me, and that's fine but everytime I called DDs Dad would listen to the call and make derogatory comments in the background. I'd drive 183 miles to pick her up and they'd not be there, there'd be no answer on his phone and then on the way home I'd get a text asking where I was from my daughter and calling me all sorts.

My solicitor told me to stop throwing money at going to court because they wouldn't penalise my ex for not adhering to the court order.

I have spoken to the NSPCC, Police, School safeguarding. I have multiple letters telling me I cannot prove emotional abuse so there will be no investigation even though the school are worried.

I have ended up in hospital seriously ill due to the stress of the separation from my daughter and my exes lies.

So when everyone says they would all keep going. That's all well and good until you cannot mentally cope any longer.

So @45thighs123 I don't judge your partner. I know how damaging it is to the parent as well as the child. There are no winners here, but I understand his need to take care of his own mental health and step back.

I think you're all being a bit harsh here. The ex moved the dc 250 miles away and is doing her best to alienate him from them. Whilst I'm not saying giving up is the right thing to do, I can understand why he would be feeling that way as it's exhausting.

Is there really no way of getting regular organised access without a massive expensive court case?

I also am quite surprised how many parents would leave their children when separated with someone who is that emotionally abusive. Surely you would know that when you split?

I too know of one man, who has just won custody however it was a long battle and it took years. He only filed for custody when her behaviour to him became extreme. However he knew that she wasn’t mentally well when he left the marriage, to an extent that no way on earth I’d have left the kids, and yet he agreed to her being the main resident parent.

I also don’t understand a parent who doesn’t reduce their work or give up if the other parent is obviously not being a good parent, before separation. Like the man above, it’s not uncommon to hear of men saying that the mother is unfit to look after the kids after the split or during it. And yet all those years before it was apparently fine?

Regarding court orders, we discussed parental alienation with our solicitor and they advised us not to pursue it as it is so hard to prove. It’s so easy to make valid excuses for behaviour that make out NRP is twisting things. They had one client who had chosen to spend tens of thousands pursuing the claim, it went on for years and there was no real outcome.

I could not trust or respect a man who abandoned his kids like that.

I know of two people who have been in this situation. The first one, separated from his DW as she had an affair. Always paid maintenance, meant to have EOW contact. Ex was obstructive, would take DC out for the day on Dads contact time etc. Went to court several times but eventually gave up as orders were repeatedly broken and as he worked FT he didn’t have the resources and time to keep going to court for another meaningless order that would be breached again.

The other faced similar; including ex changing DC surname, despite a court order. Luckily he had a decent judge who gave the ex a bollocking and threatened that he could (and would) send her to jail if she broke anymore orders.

Both DC are adults now, the first has sporadic contact with the DF; there are a few reasons, not just them not seeing each other years ago. The second has a good relationship with the DF and his family (SDC, aunts, uncles, cousins).

sofa you don’t need to police everyone’s comments. The deadbeat is disgusting, actively choosing to damage his kids, not bothered, and happy enough to produce more. Your feeling around the word ‘breeding’ is your own issue, sorry your feeling are hurt by some internet stranger not prettying up a biological action 😄

Also, sofa I doubt anyone on a forum ‘listens to’ replies, they usually want everyone to say ‘aww hun, bubs are my world, precious, happy mummy happy babba x’ instead of the focus rightfully being on the people this shit man has already bred. HTH

Op, Could not be with such a man tbh.
Just horrible

@GertietheGherkin

It's very easy for people to say they would have no respect for someone who ceased contact with their children. If you meet a guy who has done nothing more than moved on with his life, but has been repeatedly over and over made to jump through hoop after hoop to maintain contact with their kids, but has every single tiny pathetic obstacle thrown in his way to cause alienation of his children why should he not say enough is enough. Also the kids will probably hate him in future years, but it won't be the dads fault, it'll be a given that their mother will do everything in her power to bad mouth and cause hatred. Not all relationships are easy, and if it means new partners, their kids, their step siblings being dragged through crap why would anybody want to go through that? Seriously? If the kids are very, very young it means many, many years of having to deal with a problem ex. When contact is constantly disrupted it causes upset for the children, but a guy has got to keep putting up with that for years on end? Why? It's all very easy to make judgements, but only those in the situations know the truth, making judgements on someone's parenting skills when they aren't given the chance to parent is unfair. I'm sure all the ones judging the guy in this situation wouldn't put up with being treated as he has. It doesn't always end in children resenting the absent parent either, being around their resident parent usually helps them see the situation for themselves when they are older, they usually then choose to live with the absent parent to get away from their nastiness themselves. It's very easy to judge, but faced with the same situation many would do the same.

Your entire post is purely looking at it from the father's point of view! What about the CHILD?!!!!!!

You ask why should they? BECAUSE THEY ARE A PARENT! That's why!!!!!!!!

@GertietheGherkin

It's very easy for people to say they would have no respect for someone who ceased contact with their children. If you meet a guy who has done nothing more than moved on with his life, but has been repeatedly over and over made to jump through hoop after hoop to maintain contact with their kids, but has every single tiny pathetic obstacle thrown in his way to cause alienation of his children why should he not say enough is enough. Also the kids will probably hate him in future years, but it won't be the dads fault, it'll be a given that their mother will do everything in her power to bad mouth and cause hatred. Not all relationships are easy, and if it means new partners, their kids, their step siblings being dragged through crap why would anybody want to go through that? Seriously? If the kids are very, very young it means many, many years of having to deal with a problem ex. When contact is constantly disrupted it causes upset for the children, but a guy has got to keep putting up with that for years on end? Why? It's all very easy to make judgements, but only those in the situations know the truth, making judgements on someone's parenting skills when they aren't given the chance to parent is unfair. I'm sure all the ones judging the guy in this situation wouldn't put up with being treated as he has. It doesn't always end in children resenting the absent parent either, being around their resident parent usually helps them see the situation for themselves when they are older, they usually then choose to live with the absent parent to get away from their nastiness themselves. It's very easy to judge, but faced with the same situation many would do the same.

It's clear you are a new partner to a father who abandoned his kids and have honed the above script in order to justify his abhorrent actions... Shame on you.

There is never EVER an acceptable excuse to abandon your child/children. Never

@aSofaNearYou

So he's spending money on raising another child but won't try and see the ones he has? It doesn't have to be expensive. He can represent himself in court.

Unnecessary low blow, having a baby does not cost the same as court fees.

It costs £251 to represent yourself in court - no Solicitor required

@45thighs123 He is going to do it to you & your child/further children - trust me. I would've put my DD's dad as the very, very last person on earth who would do this. He was a sweetheart. Really meek & mild. Placid and soft.
He was absolutely bloody fantastic with our little girl! He would've changed every nappy, done every bath if I'd wanted him to! He did every night feed and was extremely hands on. Was often on the floor with her. Giggling & playing, laughing at her constantly. Loved taking her out etc. Crying never phased him, he was wrapped round her little finger! He adored her.
Then when she was 12 months old - 🏃🏼‍♂️💨 gone. Never to be seen again. That was over 5 years ago.

My point is, NEVER EVER believe anyone to not be capable of anything! I'm not saying every man is capable of abandoning their child - of course not! Just don't believe that any man ISN'T! Especially one who has form for such behaviour; regardless of the difference in circumstances

@chocolateorangeinhaler

Poor man. Doing everything he should and a bitch of a woman causing as much damage as she can while using the kids as a reason to twist the knife. Sadly too many women get away Scott free with this behavior. The kids suffer they always do, but so long as the mum can play the poor me game on Facebook it's all they care about. I can see why he's stepping back tbh. Good for him for continuing to financially support them. He has a right to see his children the excuse of a mother needs to be reminded of that. Through the courts if necessary. I can't abide people that split then use their children as an excuse to carry on with shitty behavior. He's said he will be there when they are older. I don't see what else he can do. Can you keep an eye on any Facebook posts that rant about him or both of you. Screenshot if anything slandering is posted, but don't reply. It's a public forum remember.

He can go to court if he can be arsed?!!