Fiancé wants to completly withdraw from DSD's

[45thighs123]

Hi all,

I wonder if anyone has experienced this. My fiance is so alienated from his first two kids aged 5 and 7 he now just wants to withdraw completely.

We live 250 mile away. Contact has been sporadic over the last three years and he left the ex 4.5 years ago he does have to move heaven and earth to get contact time . He just says he cannot deal with the high conflict anymore. We have a one year old together and he's amazing with his son and we have great family time . I'm at a loss , it's his choice so what am I meant to think ??!?? I'm so conflicted. I get on with DSD but to be honest I have not seen them very much. He pays maintenance and always has. He said when they are older he will be there. But I've never seen a parent emotionally withdraw before. And when I see him with our son , I always ask well could you leave him ?He says it's different circumstances, different partner and he's committed to this family life. He has deep regrets over having his first two so young and he didn't want the second to be blunt he said he knew by then the relationship was doomed and bringing another baby into it was a massive mistake. But he's still responsible. Should I just accept his decision and move on?

The ex moved to be closer to her family hence the distance.

Well being left with a baby and a toddler she would need support.

Why on earth do you think court costs would bankrupt you both?

Do you think it is significant your child is a boy?

I moved 150 miles away with my dd, because her father was/is an alcoholic. He drove for a living, and had a company van.
He visited her twice, and she or I have ever heard from him again.

15 years later, he found her on Facebook... and she soundly told him to fuck off. Just saying.

Believe me @45thighs123 if he chose to distant himself from his kids he will do the same to yours. My ex has told every lie in the book to anyone who will listen about how I stop him seeing our children, I have done everything I can to get him to see them, he just can't be arsed.

It's been 2 years now and I have made sure I have kept every email, text etc to show my kids it was not me who alienated him. It's never as they say it is.

@45thighs123

It's hard because I've seen the anguish. He has been withdrawing little by little by feeling helpless. Court fees are not affordable at all at the moment. It would bankrupt us. Maintenance is all paid.

£250 you could surely save up for for the court application, self represent instead of making excuses!

@SpaceshiptoMars

Seriously people, what do you expect the OP to do? Take a second job to raise the funds for the court fees? At the expense of time with her own child?

No we expect him too, if he can afford a house and another child he can afford the court application fees to see his abandoned kids!!!

He fights harder is what he does

@5zeds

Are his children safe?

Well he would know if he bothered with them.

Your gut feeling is telling you that it’s concerning because it IS concerning behavior. I would never give up on DS, it’s heart wrenching to ever consider that possibility.

I wouldn’t trust someone who gave up on his own children, if he’s capable of doing that, he’s capable of abandoning anyone and that includes you and your DC.

[quote 45thighs123]@WhoisRebecca - exactly we have a house a son and he has no parents, they have passed. 30k is no way something we can afford. I'll be honest it 100% makes life easier from a purely selfish point of view. No more drama and arguments. Dsd's have met their brother once and that took months to get a date and a message to ask when we could drive up. Refusal to ever travel half way. Not allowed to have dsd's at our home. Threats of police on our limited contact time. Drunken phone calls and manipulative behaviour.[/quote]
It doesn't have to cost 30k. One session of meditation then MIAM issued allows application to court for £250. Self represent, if the children really are his concern. That's the end of the costs.

The ex sounds a bit of a nightmare, but he's not coming off great either...

He left his baby and young child. He didn't prevent the pregnancy, that took two! He's chosen not to have a bond with the youngest.

The fact that he tries to suggest that he's more on board with parenting this 3rd child is incredibly sad and something I'd not be believing,given how little he cared and remains caring about his 2nd child.

He hasn’t even tried to go to court in the time since they split.

That’s shocking.

If a person can give up on their children once they can do it again.

I would have zero respect for someone who did this to their dc. What do you think the dc would want to hear when they grow into adulthood and look to see what happened regardless if they know your dp or not. I would want to see that my dad did everything in his power to maintain contact even when that wasn't possible.
He should go through the courts now and avoid the ex.
And there's absolutely no guarantee he then doesn't cut your own dc off one day. Think about it, could you stop bothering with your dc at any point in time?

I could be the ex in your fiancé’s situation. In fact it sounds eerily similar.

My take is this, nothing and nobody would make me walk away from my kids. There is literally nothing that my ex could do that would make me give up on seeing my kids. So if your fiancé is so willing to give up his kids, he’s a bad dad and at sone point in the future, your child will also become surplus to requirements.

Also, I would take with a pinch of salt that the kid’s mum is being difficult and if she actually is that it is without being provoked. I suspect there is a lot more to this story.

Plenty of women are in the ops shoes, plenty.
I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I highly doubt once his children become adults they will happily see him. Difficult situation all round.

Not read all PP but has he contacted the charities and help groups that give advice about father's rights - like Fathers4Justice and others?

To those saying they would never walked away... I was one of you and the parental alienation I'm going through has turned my world upside down and caused mental breakdown. It is so easy to say I would never do it until you are faced with the situation and consequences. It drains you emotionally and brings you to the kerb. Suddenly your lovely DC sides up with the other parent and starts hating and despising you. They don't want to know you, don't want to see you again.

I'm in slightly different predicament and I'm a mum, not that it makes any difference. DS is 11, he was forcefully taken of me by exh and I have been fighting in court for residence for last 2 years. For some reason, at the time, the court believed it is in the best interest for DC to live with his abusive father in our family home (I have moved out with DS as exh refused to do it and I couldn't stand the abuse and what he was doing to us).

2 years later, DS absolutely hates me for trying to take him away from his dad, hates me because I have broken our family and destroyed his life - all his words. He has learned how to mentally abuse, control, intimidate others, especially females. He has learned that you don't respect anyone who isn't bigger and stronger. He has learned that he can lash out on me, left me scarred, bruised and say 'you're so annoying you deserved it'. He has learned to enjoy seeing someone suffer, upset and in pain.

It is like he is not my lovely DS any more. I have done what I could have done, engaged and sought help from all possible sources. Still nothing changed. DS is refusing to see me at all at the moment, and he doesn't, despite the court order in place. It isn't so easy and certainly not everyone is able to represent themselves in court. I have already spent thousands on solicitors. Can't afford to do that any more.

As for your DH, I do understand were he is coming from. However, I think he should try to go through the court, he might be entitled to legal aid. Get a legal advice. I would, for my own peace of mind. I would want to know I have used all possible ways to get more, or at least regular contact with DCs. That's what I have done. It still hurts to be in such stressful and difficult situation, but once DC will be older they will also know he has tried and has done what he could have done.

It is difficult to put yourself in your DC's situation. If I was abandoned by my dad and I knew he just let it go and didn't fight for the contact I don't think I would want to have anything to do with him later in the life. If, on the other hand, there was a court order for example and my mum done everything to break it and make our contact and relationship impossible, it still would be difficult, but I would want to give him another chance.

All the very best to you

There's usually more to the 'crazy ex wife's stories', but I wouldn't respect someone who didn't at least try to have a relationship with their children. Someone capable of that, will almost certainly be capable of doing it to your son in the future. If it's any consolation though, his children might not be that arsed, I mean he has a shiny new child now and then decides he can't be arsed, I'm sure they don't feel great about that.

Apologies, Fiancé, not DH

@Lena007

To those saying they would never walked away... I was one of you and the parental alienation I'm going through has turned my world upside down and caused mental breakdown. It is so easy to say I would never do it until you are faced with the situation and consequences. It drains you emotionally and brings you to the kerb. Suddenly your lovely DC sides up with the other parent and starts hating and despising you. They don't want to know you, don't want to see you again.

I'm in slightly different predicament and I'm a mum, not that it makes any difference. DS is 11, he was forcefully taken of me by exh and I have been fighting in court for residence for last 2 years. For some reason, at the time, the court believed it is in the best interest for DC to live with his abusive father in our family home (I have moved out with DS as exh refused to do it and I couldn't stand the abuse and what he was doing to us).

2 years later, DS absolutely hates me for trying to take him away from his dad, hates me because I have broken our family and destroyed his life - all his words. He has learned how to mentally abuse, control, intimidate others, especially females. He has learned that you don't respect anyone who isn't bigger and stronger. He has learned that he can lash out on me, left me scarred, bruised and say 'you're so annoying you deserved it'. He has learned to enjoy seeing someone suffer, upset and in pain.

It is like he is not my lovely DS any more. I have done what I could have done, engaged and sought help from all possible sources. Still nothing changed. DS is refusing to see me at all at the moment, and he doesn't, despite the court order in place. It isn't so easy and certainly not everyone is able to represent themselves in court. I have already spent thousands on solicitors. Can't afford to do that any more.

As for your DH, I do understand were he is coming from. However, I think he should try to go through the court, he might be entitled to legal aid. Get a legal advice. I would, for my own peace of mind. I would want to know I have used all possible ways to get more, or at least regular contact with DCs. That's what I have done. It still hurts to be in such stressful and difficult situation, but once DC will be older they will also know he has tried and has done what he could have done.

It is difficult to put yourself in your DC's situation. If I was abandoned by my dad and I knew he just let it go and didn't fight for the contact I don't think I would want to have anything to do with him later in the life. If, on the other hand, there was a court order for example and my mum done everything to break it and make our contact and relationship impossible, it still would be difficult, but I would want to give him another chance.

All the very best to you

Desperately sad situation and really feel for you. You have fought though, you have been braved and done everything you can to see your DS, the system has let you down, and let him down by declaring he is better with his abusive father. That's different to just effectively saying nah can't be arsed. I really hope one day your DS sees the light and he will know you did what you could

I couldnt be with someone who would do that to their kids.

[quote Lena007]@beigerocket

Relationships fail, you know. People split. It happens when they have children too.

You say there is nothing your ex could do that would make you give up on seeing your kids. Why on earth you think you can prevent him from seeing them then? He is their dad, you don't get to keep children 24/7 just because you want to see them all the time. They have a right to know and have a relationship with their dad (unless of course there are safety/ abuse concerns).[/quote]
I haven’t made my stopped my ex from seeing our children. Nowhere did I say I had.

What I did say was that the situation sounds eerily similar.

My kids are similar ages.

My ex left when our children were as young citing that he felt too young to be a father and didn’t want the responsibility. He was 35.

I moved home as I needed support with two small children that he wasn’t providing. I also have a medical condition.

He has barely seen our children over the last 5 years.

He also tells people that I am ‘difficult’ and that I stop him from seeing the kids. I do not and never have. But that doesn’t suit his narrative and as my ex is always keen to be seen as the ‘good guy’ he wouldn’t dare let anyone see him as anything else regardless of the truth.

Him not seeing his kids has to pupblicly be my fault in his eyes.

Lines of communication are and always have been open between my ex and I. We have also been to court, he refuses to stick to the order and I can’t force him.

My point with my post was that OP and some here are quick to blame the children’s mother for parental alienation but they have only have one side of the story and from my own experience I strongly suspect that OP’s fiancé is being economical with the truth.

My kids are adults now but my ex says I’m stopping him seeing them (ffs one is almost 30 and 6ft2 how the fuck would I stop him doing whatever he wants!?)

Two have gone no contact with their dad and one is very low contact. It’s because I am evil and nasty and stopped them seeing him.

That’s not the reality. They did used to go, but as they became aware of the type of man he is all
By themselves because he lied, broke promises and let them down, they stopped.

I did used to send texts and we had conversations where I was angry. Because he let his kids down. Because he loved messing about my plans and thinks he’s better than anyone else and doesn’t have to stick to agreements even when they are court orders.

I’d love to hear the ex’s side of the story.

Court orders aren’t the be and end all. They are frequently ignored, nobody gets sent to prison for not following them all.

A friend of mine spent £10K, court order was followed for a few months, then the mother said the father had hit the child, back to court (months and months of no contact or supervised contact whilst waiting) was found to be a flawless claim. So Mother said grandfather hit the child, all started again. The kids will soon be old enough to make up their own mind. Daughter doesn’t go to school and is extremely troubled. Father has little to no input. Just spent thousands and thousands and achieved very little.

The excuses from the fiance sound so familiar to all the single mums with deadbeat ex’s. My ex moved 3.5 hrs away two years ago when he remarried, up until then contact was frequent and consistent. Now he can’t be bothered at all and he seen them once in the past 12 months, and I am sure the story he has concocted to his new wife, friends and family is that I am ‘difficult’. He happily plays dad to his wife’s children though.

The truth is that some men are just selfish and shit and lazy and entitled. They like being a dad on paper but can’t be done with the emotional and physical labour it entails. Any slight inconvenience and it JUST IS TOO STRESSFUL. They live too far. Don’t like driving. Too expensive. Mum is rude at handovers. Mum is rude on Facebook. Woe is me. Their primary concern is themselves and the children they made are just to be tossed on the scrap heap of memories from the past, just like a stag do or school mates. These immature man children carry on all their lives complaining that everything is everyone else’s fault.

My kids (12, 15 and 17j are devastated by the abandonment and I will be mopping up his shit for years to come. To the OP - He. Is. Not. A. Good. Guy.