Fiancé wants to completly withdraw from DSD's

[45thighs123]

Hi all,

I wonder if anyone has experienced this. My fiance is so alienated from his first two kids aged 5 and 7 he now just wants to withdraw completely.

We live 250 mile away. Contact has been sporadic over the last three years and he left the ex 4.5 years ago he does have to move heaven and earth to get contact time . He just says he cannot deal with the high conflict anymore. We have a one year old together and he's amazing with his son and we have great family time . I'm at a loss , it's his choice so what am I meant to think ??!?? I'm so conflicted. I get on with DSD but to be honest I have not seen them very much. He pays maintenance and always has. He said when they are older he will be there. But I've never seen a parent emotionally withdraw before. And when I see him with our son , I always ask well could you leave him ?He says it's different circumstances, different partner and he's committed to this family life. He has deep regrets over having his first two so young and he didn't want the second to be blunt he said he knew by then the relationship was doomed and bringing another baby into it was a massive mistake. But he's still responsible. Should I just accept his decision and move on?

I would leave him now, whilst your son is so young.

What a awful man. I just couldn't respect or trust anyone that doesn't fight for their kids.

Don't expect him to be part of your son's life either, once it no longer suits him.

I worked with someone whose ex walked away from his DD. I think there was sporadic maintenance as well.
He asked to meet her when she was 18, so she did, and offered to give her money directly for uni as it wouldn’t go to her mum. She told him she’d only met him so she could tell him to Fuck Off.
This won’t end well and honestly, are you totally sure if you break up he wouldn’t do this to your son?

@TheLongHardSlog that was me saying it’s £215 and free resources online. I said it because I supported someone through it for a decade. Chucking money at barristers made no difference. If you don’t have the money, you have to represent yourself.

OP look at your baby, now imagine you split up with your husband, your husband got custody and moved 250miles away to be closer to family. In a few years time would you ever consider just losing contact with your child and starting over with a "new child" with a new partner.

I would lose a limb before losing contact with my baby, I know it makes your situation easier from a practical level as a step parent but on an emotional level I'd wonder if I'd married a sociopath.

What I would add is that walking away is no easier, if he genuinely cares. He can shove the pain down but it bursts back up all of the time. It’s one of the most brutal things I’ve seen someone go through and I’ll never know which was the right path.

For those saying they’d never walk away - what if your ex was abusive to your child every time they saw you? What if they told your child terrifying stories about you and told them that if they saw daddy, they’d never see mummy again? What if you saw your child becoming a shadow of their normal selves? What if you saw it only getting worse and worse over many years?

What if you spent years telling the courts, CAFCASS, social services, anyone, and nothing happened? The alienating parent was allowed to carry on?

It shouldn’t happen but it does. I never, ever thought I’d be able to support someone to walk away. I thought people like that were missing some kind of humanity but living it is something else.

[quote DelilahDingleberry]@TheLongHardSlog that was me saying it’s £215 and free resources online. I said it because I supported someone through it for a decade. Chucking money at barristers made no difference. If you don’t have the money, you have to represent yourself.[/quote]
I completely get that, but I’m pointing out it’s not really cheap process. The bundles have to be in the right format, the Clark’s at the court will do it for you if self repping but you still have to pay for that service.

It’s not just a case of it “only being £215” it can still easily run into the thousands.

Like I said we have 6 hearings in all, over a year that was. Friends have had 8, 10, 12 hearings and the resident parent still breaches the order whenever they want so it’s not a quick fix.

I’m not defending the ops partner at all as I don’t know the full situation or how I’d react in those circumstances, I’m just saying it’s not as cheap as people say it is.

We did it for £215 so yes it can be.

I wouldn’t judge him actually. We have a situation like this on our family where the mother has been so obstructive for so long and the father has spent thousands on court costs he has been awarded access and she just ignores the order. Now he hopes they will contact him when they are old enough

I wonder here, there's so many scathing posts from people who've never experienced alienation and violent threats by text message. Seriously, settle down, if you've never been in this situation you shouldn't blurt out your moral rantings and virtue signalling.

@StuffinThePuffin
would leave him now, whilst your son is so young.

So he’s struggling emotionally with the stress of being denied access long term to his children from his first marriage, and your advice is another broken home. Stellar suggestion that.

[quote Humpthree]@aSofaNearYou

There is only so much a parent can do.

Is there?

Short of forcing unwilling children into a car, yes.

How about paying £250 and representing himself in court?[/quote]
Because even court orders can be ignored, as my nephew found out to his massive, financial and emotional cost.

This is MN, where to some posters women are all angels and it must be the father's fault. When you've seen someone so depressed they're suicidal because of the shit the ex is heaping on him, though he was desperate to see his DD, she made damn sure it didn't happen. Usually by being out on the two hours on Sunday every two months that she said she'd allow him to see her. She'd moved over 100 miles away, insisted that that two hours could only happen if his parents were there too, so once every two months the three of them would troop off. 9 times out of 10 she wouldn't be there, the tenth she'd scream abuse at him. SHE was the one who had the affair and moved out.

I'm not so quick now to condemn all fathers, some of whom have to give up for their own sanity (literally).

I’ve been a child in this situation, my mum alienated my dad from seeing us when he left and then a few years later met someone new (he used to have us all the time before he met my stepmum so she could go out drinking)

She told us for years that our dad was dead, he was a drug dealer, he was a junkie, he didn’t care about us, that he only cared about his new family etc (she did lie to us to say our step dad was actually our dad for years until I was around 7/8). Little did I know that my died tried for years going through court and nearly bankrupting himself to get access, she moved so much and would just drop off the face of the planet any time my dad was granted a court order. She neglected us our whole lives, subjected us to abuse and even social services were involved for majority of our childhood, not once did they help or contact my dad.

When I turned 18 my dad found me and by then I had already saw my mum for who she really was and left, never spoken to her since and moved in with my dad and step mum, who I have a very close relationship with now.

@DelilahDingleberry

We did it for £215 so yes it can be.

Presumably because both parties were prepared to abide by the order.

If the woman in this case is determined not to co-operate, one £215 hearing isn't going to cut it.

lorw

That is a really sad story. It must have been nice to finally meet your real Dad and be able to move in with him.

@Rainbowqueeen

Given the age the DC were when the relationship ended I can understand why she moved back to her family. That was 4 years ago. What I don’t understand is why your partner did not attempt to move closer to them at some point in those 4 years. Surely that’s the first thing you’d try to do, knowing that the only way to build up a good relationship with such a young child is by regular contact? Also why no attempt to get a court order at any time in those 4 years? It’s all very well to say it’s too hard to move closer now because if your DC and both your jobs but your partner had the opportunity to do this a long time ago and didn’t take it. He also had the opportunity to take action through the court before getting into a new relationship and having more DC. To me this says a lot about his priorities. He can justify it all he likes by saying she has been difficult but really what has he done??

What if he moved nearer and she decided to upsticks and move again? What do you suggest he do then? Buy a caravan to live in and keep following her around? She knew by moving 250 miles away it would make it difficult for him to see his kids, and yet he's to blame for not seeing them. 🙄

Why are posters pretending this is a devoted father who thinks he is doing best by his kids.
He is not bothered. Doesnt have a bond with the youngest. This is a man who has decided this is too much hassle. He hasnt attempted court at all.
Funny that the two kids hes not bothered about are girls and the one he loves is a boy.

@converseandjeans

lorw

That is a really sad story. It must have been nice to finally meet your real Dad and be able to move in with him.

It was lovely. I gained a proper family that day.

I think people believe that no one could be so twisted to do that to a child and that it’s just a case of the other parent not trying hard enough but they don’t realise that people like my mum exist. I genuinely believed for years my dad was dead and I didn’t care because she made me believe he was a shitty junkie, I’d never even seen a picture of him, there’s so much more horrible shit to add to that story but she’s a verging on evil woman and was pretty good at making everyone believe she was the victim.

@Lorw

I’ve been a child in this situation, my mum alienated my dad from seeing us when he left and then a few years later met someone new (he used to have us all the time before he met my stepmum so she could go out drinking)

She told us for years that our dad was dead, he was a drug dealer, he was a junkie, he didn’t care about us, that he only cared about his new family etc (she did lie to us to say our step dad was actually our dad for years until I was around 7/8). Little did I know that my died tried for years going through court and nearly bankrupting himself to get access, she moved so much and would just drop off the face of the planet any time my dad was granted a court order. She neglected us our whole lives, subjected us to abuse and even social services were involved for majority of our childhood, not once did they help or contact my dad.

When I turned 18 my dad found me and by then I had already saw my mum for who she really was and left, never spoken to her since and moved in with my dad and step mum, who I have a very close relationship with now.

It's heartbreaking what you had to go through. I'm so glad you've got a relationship with your Dad now.

DH has had a similar dilemma. He decided to keep in contact but it came with a hefty court fee (you can represent yourself but it’s hard to navigate).

He’s really glad he did now but we’re both aware that things might change in the future due to parental alienation, etc. particularly as it’s so hard to prove.

Personally I can see pros and cons to each scenario. DSD has been through phases of reply struggling with “two homes” which is hard to watch and something she wouldn’t have had to go through with only one parent actively involved.

I just told DH that I was here is he wanted to talk through either options but that the decision had to ultimately be his and that I would understand and support him either way.

He’s not a bad person for it.

Oh mate. How you find a man that will walk away from his daughters attractive, I don’t know

I’m sorry for the stories of kids being told terrible lies about their fathers and those who went to court several times. That all sounds awful.

However the OPs DP has had none of that. He’s never been to court and his kids haven’t been told lies. All the evidence we have is that it’s difficult. That’s not a good enough reason and that is not parental alienation.

And if he does think it’s so bad with the mother I’d be fighting tooth and nail in the courts. Either he thinks the mother is fit enough to be a good parent and he supports that - or not.

There is also a bit of healthy scepticism which isn’t unfounded. Many more men that women give up on their kids. Many men cite parental alienation but there is a growing recognition that for a significant majority of men use PA this is an excuse or a weapon.

It’s a murky business. But giving up just because it’s tricky is no way to be a father.

I believe my ex said that to his next partner when they they had kids.
Yep, dumped them too.

When the OP's partner left the ex that was so horrible to live with , why did he nor take his children with him. I cannot fathom thinking that someone is too horrible for me to live with , but that I am perfectly comfortable walking out of the door and leaving my children in that environment.

Having left, he could not be bothered to go to Court to seek custody of his children. The mom may indeed be horrible but it does not appear that the dad availed himself to even the most rudimentary legal effort to gain access to his children. If the mom moved back to her parents, he would certainly have known where to have the mom served with a court summons.

It seems as these 2 children may have drawn 2 short straws in the good parent category. One parent may be proactive toxic and the other parent is too indifferent to be bothered to seek even basic court redress. Exactly what efforts could he making to gain access to his children if he has not bothered to go to Court.

Children are always the victims of their parents poor decision making.

A man who knows enough to be concerned about being bankrupted should know how to go to Court to petition for access to his children.

[quote supermoonrising]@StuffinThePuffin
would leave him now, whilst your son is so young.

So he’s struggling emotionally with the stress of being denied access long term to his children from his first marriage, and your advice is another broken home. Stellar suggestion that.[/quote]
You've totally missed the point.

I know exactly what it's like to be abandoned by your dad, by the way.