Fiancé wants to completly withdraw from DSD's

[45thighs123]

Hi all,

I wonder if anyone has experienced this. My fiance is so alienated from his first two kids aged 5 and 7 he now just wants to withdraw completely.

We live 250 mile away. Contact has been sporadic over the last three years and he left the ex 4.5 years ago he does have to move heaven and earth to get contact time . He just says he cannot deal with the high conflict anymore. We have a one year old together and he's amazing with his son and we have great family time . I'm at a loss , it's his choice so what am I meant to think ??!?? I'm so conflicted. I get on with DSD but to be honest I have not seen them very much. He pays maintenance and always has. He said when they are older he will be there. But I've never seen a parent emotionally withdraw before. And when I see him with our son , I always ask well could you leave him ?He says it's different circumstances, different partner and he's committed to this family life. He has deep regrets over having his first two so young and he didn't want the second to be blunt he said he knew by then the relationship was doomed and bringing another baby into it was a massive mistake. But he's still responsible. Should I just accept his decision and move on?

He doesn't even deserve children. What a waste of space. He is showing you who he really is. Selfish, unreliable and unorthodox

Honestly op I do understand what your saying. Sometimes not taking on a parental role can be a good thing. I came to an agreement with my sons father, that he would take on a more uncle like role, and not be involved day to day (combination of career interest, him living abroad and the fact we weren't in a serious relationship, we liked each other though - still do) it's worked brilliantly, my ds1 sees him once or twice a year, and they email. They have a fun loving relationship which both are happy with.
But that's not what's happening here, parental alienation is a form of emotional abuse, and you partner is allowing this to happen, allowing his daughters to be influenced this way. He isn't even fighting. Court will cost less than £300 if he self represents and there are a million people and places willing to help.....sure shes'll fight back if what he says it true, but that would give him time to raise another £300 and go again. I'm sorry but his feelings aren't the ones that matter here, he has daughters who are no doubt confused and this will have a impact on them. At least if he goes to court and it all goes to hell then they will know he made an effort, that will count for something.
This isn't an adult, worked through solution in the best interest of children, this is alienation and abandonment.

@SpaceshiptoMars

It is possible to simply have too many life events and too much stress in too short a period of time. Result - heart attack, nervous breakdown, perforated ulcer etc etc.

Better a live, functioning dad who can come back onstream a few years down the line, than a dead or disabled one now

100% this. The stress caused me to suffer meningitis, which I nearly died from. Sometimes you have no choice but to prioritise your wellbeing.

@Mama1980

Does your son know he is his father?

And WTF to those suggesting the stress could cause death or disability to the poor father?! If the mum gets ill, can she just check out too?

Yes absolutely no secrets here.

Do people really believe that becoming a parent permits you the option of popping in and out of your child's life at will, or because you no longer love the other parent or because it is just too stressful for you to handle? What of the impact on the child?

What is the likelihood that the OP's partner would walk away from the equity (if any) in the home that they are purchasing together should they split? Does anyone think that he would not go to court at least once to make his equity claim? That would be more than he has done to gain access to his children.

I imagine that having a parent decide that pursuing or fighting for access is too stressful might be only slightly more stressful than knowing that your parent didn't care enough for you to make even the most minimal of efforts to gain legal access to you.

You have to take and pass a test to obtain a drivers license, but any 2 people with properly functioning body parts can have and damage a child with impunity. It is sad that we do not care as much about the well being of children as we care about road readiness, but then many people take better care of their cars than they do of their children.

@Tiredoftattler you have clearly never been in this position. Even if you do fight you get nowhere. If the other parent wants to alienate you from the child's life they will. Courts are great at issuing orders, it's not so easy for them to enforce.

I'll be honest with you, I wish that no one ever has to go through this, but people do horrible things to other people which include alienation of their child from them.

What do you propose someone does when they run out of money for fighting through court, their solicitor tells them to stop because they won't ever get better contact than they have (which is none) because the court can't/won't enforce the court order. Someone who has been lied about, had their self esteem destroyed, been mentally beaten down to the point they are physically ill due to it. Don't say keep going because there is a point when you have to stop.

I recognise it is awful for my daughter, but I have done everything I can and she will never know.

Of course the situation is stressful, no-one is denying it, but no stress would stop a loving dedicated parents fighting for contact with their child. In the case of OP, he hasn't even started the process of court, so it's laughable to talk about stress so bad it is disabling.

Parents who walk away are those who just haven't built a true emotional home with the children in the first place. Sadly, when you miss the boat to do so, it becomes very hard to do so later. Not impossible but requiring a lot of investment which he clearly can't be bothered with.

To think that it is just a case of turning the page and waiting for the kids to grow up and suddenly want to have a loving relationship with the dad who they failed to bond with, who didn't fight for them in court and was happy to pretend they didn't exist whilst devoting all his love and attention to his new easy child is so incredibly immature and naive.

It doesn't work like this. They will know their dad prioritized his new life and kid over going to court. They will know that it suited his new lifestyle to give up on them, fully supported by a partner who deep inside was pleased to never have them around. They will forget about him and his new family at best, deeply resent him in all likelihood.

As for him, wat might turn to initial relief in the immediate present will likely turn into shame and self loathing when he finally matures and realise what an utterly shit dad he was to his elder kids.

Even if you do fight you get nowhere
But at least you can look at yourself in the eye and know you really tried. In OPs case, he couldn't even bother to pay 250 quids to try. His kids are not even worth that investment however low the chances of installing regularly contact.

I know that this is a different situation but, sometimes women "walk away" from their children and give them up for adoption. Are they awful humans because they make this decision? What makes the difference? This was me at age 17, too young to be a parent, too scared to see a doctor for a termination, no option but to "walk away". I have never regretted it, I know it was the right decision at that time. I have gone on to have other children and have not abandoned them and have also gone through marriage breakdown and had to deal with parental alienation by the other parent.

I think there is too much black and white thinking going on here. Nothing is ever absolute, the harsh judgements of this man here seem very fixed. I think this situation sounds awful for all concerned and very sad but I would not suggest to the OP that she should leave him and create another broken family because of what he feels he has had to do. You might not agree with his decision but to call him disgusting and make massive assumptions about how much child support he pays is unfair and unsupportive of the original poster who came here for support and has been told her partner is disgusting and she should leave him and break another child's heart.

I just wanted to give people a different experience from the" abandoned" child's perspective.
My mum and dad split when I was a baby and I do not remember my real dad. I have never seen him since he left. Whilst somewhere in my mind I'm aware that he probably did prioritise his new life, possibly even new children? it's not something that has broken me or left me damaged or that I even think about with any emotion, it's just a historical fact now. I do not feel abandoned and never did. I grew up in our family, we were who we were and that was that.
I watch all the hassles of the step kids going backwards and forwards, losing things, forgetting things, different rules in each house, exw being an arse, drama, drama, drama!!! I often say to him indoors how thankful I am to my unknown dad that he never made me go through all that as a kid. I know others will feel differently but my experience growing up without a real dad was a positive one, my experiences as an adult without a real dad have all been positive. I do not feel worthless as a person because I am NOT worthless. I have never had to work out any self esteem/drug/drink etc problems or have wierd sexual daddy issues. Life was and is good. My mum was absolutely awesome and I had positive male role models in my life but more importantly I had the most amazingly strong awesome women surrounding me in the form of mum, gran, great gran, aunts etc.
It is not all doom and gloom being a "poor abandoned child" and I feel really sorry for the kids who are so confused all the time. They see dad they don't see dad they see dad they don't see dad. Their parents at each other throats, fighting, shouting, bitching. It must be absolutely awful. My mum has also said she was so glad she didn't have to go through all that, life was balanced and calm, knowing where we were at all times with no one to fight with.

OP I can't speak for everyone and would never wish to do so but your man drawing back from his kids could be the right thing to do, only you guys know what's right for your situation!

@vivainsomnia ask you a question then. What if your contact with the child causes detriment to them via emotional harm from the resident parent? If you cannot get residence or 'fix' this legally what do you do?

@alwayswrighty, what detriment? Worse than the emotional detriment to find out that one of your parent has opted not to see you again?

When a parent has gone through all the court channels, taken every legal steps available, and it is assessed by a specialist that this is causing the child harm, then yes, in these exceptional circumstances, it could be decided to be for the best.

However, this is nowhere close to where OP' OH is. He hasn't even started to court proceedings. From what OP has said in her post, it seems to be all about what is best for him and her rather than what is best for the children.

@Littledoodles90, you were a baby. You don't recall bonding with your biological father. There is no abandonment that you remember. This is soooooo different.

I agree vivainsomnia

Nothing, absolutely nothing would stop a loving parent from having contact. It's all bullshit excuses. Too expensive (rubbish) , too stressful....just excuses at the end of the day.

If the rp is emotionally abusive to the child then why on earth would you leave that child in that situation? Surely you fight even harder?

The family court bends over backwards for contact these days. Granting it even when they shouldn't. There literally is no excuse whatsoever.

Parents who walk away do not love their children. They may claim to but they put themselves first.

Tale as old as time. He has a new kid, the older ones become to much hassle.

[quote vivainsomnia]@Littledoodles90, you were a baby. You don't recall bonding with your biological father. There is no abandonment that you remember. This is soooooo different.[/quote]
I love that someone has shared their experience and yet you still want to dismiss them because it doesn’t fit your own narrative 🤦‍♀️

@Mama1980

Yes absolutely no secrets here.

That's really interesting. I'm glad you've found a relationship that seems to work well for you all.

@Littledoodles90

Thanks for sharing your experience. That gives me hope for the future of my own children, that it doesn't have to be a major trauma for their future life.

@alwayswrighty

Your situation is not the same as the OP's partner, and it sounds like you took far many more steps to establish contact with your daughter. I hope in the future, you can regain some sort of relationship that works for you both

[quote vivainsomnia]@Littledoodles90, you were a baby. You don't recall bonding with your biological father. There is no abandonment that you remember. This is soooooo different.[/quote]
Your comment feels like you are trying to tell me that you know me and how I feel better than I do?!
I don't feel abandoned because no one let me believe I had been abandoned!!!
No one ever once bad mouthed my dad, no one ever said he had done a bad thing by leaving, no one ever let me believe that I was missing out on something. I once asked why daddy didn't love me and mum explained that not everyone in the world full of billions of people would love me but the people around me would and that's more than enough. It's not that I don't remember growing up without a dad at all it's that I wasn't allowed to think that I had been hard done by!!!

[quote DumplingsAndStew]@Littledoodles90

Thanks for sharing your experience. That gives me hope for the future of my own children, that it doesn't have to be a major trauma for their future life.

@alwayswrighty

Your situation is not the same as the OP's partner, and it sounds like you took far many more steps to establish contact with your daughter. I hope in the future, you can regain some sort of relationship that works for you both [/quote]
It should absolutely not be a trauma for future life! I suppose mum helped by handling it so well. I had questions as a kid but she always deflected them really well. I'd ask why I don't have a dad and she tell me it is what it is and we can't change it by worrying and anyway I was so special she was glad we had each other all to ourselves. She also gave me permission to hit the mean boy who said horrible things about not having a dad (this was middle class suburbia in the eighties, I was literally the only kid to divorced parents).
I now watch my friend trying to navigate through the dad comes dad doesn't come debacle and the kids are so confused and hurt all the time. It's been going on for 4 years now, court for this court for that. The kids honestly think there is something wrong with them and it's all their fault that mummy and daddy hate each other. I think that's what fucks kids up. I had a stable life where I knew what was happening and where I was going all the time, that gives children power and creates happy adults... Well it did for me at least.
From my experience your kids will be fine so long as you don't allow them to think they have missed out on something... Which let's face it, they probably won't have

@alwayswrighty
Please do not put yourself or your situation in the same category as the one that has been described by the OP. You fought the good fight for your child. The OP made a decision in his preferable interest and made not even the slightest effort to gain legal access to his children.

He found the mother tolerable enough to have sex with her often enough to create not 1 but 2 lives and then found it to be too much of a hassle to make even a minimal effort to gain legal access to his children.

Please do not think that you have much in common with that kind of decision making.

@Tiredoftattler it's tough because in my head this is not the way things should be, and I do question how I got it so wrong in my choice of partner to have a child with. It is cruel and when the carrot gets dangled. You get your hopes up, drive 180 miles for them not to be there. Ring, visit his families houses, back to his. Nothing and then home. Then he'll lie to the courts. SS won't do anything without proof it drives you demented.

Then finally you know deep down someone will judge you, when all you've done is your best. It's awful. Not just for the child (and that is horrific I've no doubt) but also for the estranged parent. I've not known heartbreak like it. It's like grief but never-ending.

So I appreciate your words. I know I'm defensive. Even nearly 5 years down the line it feels raw.

Your comment feels like you are trying to tell me that you know me and how I feel better than I do?!
Not at all. Of course you are entitled to feel the way you do. All my saying is that your circumstances are not comparable to that of the OP's OH children.

It would be like someone whose new boyfriend break up after a few dates commenting on how heartbroken they feel to someone married whose husband just announced he was leaving to move with his mistress. Both have feelings tht are valid but not comparable.

@45thighs123 I'm actually in the position of your son.

My dad was in a v similar situation to your fiancee, there was contact agreed in court but the mother and her family frustrated it. It was a long, long tie ago and enforcing rights of unmarried fathers seems to have not been done in the way it is now. I'm a lot younger than my half-sibling and because contact had totally broken down before I was born I wasn't told of their existence till I was an adult.

This will hugely affect your child. Almost no matter what you do. They'll wonder about the siblings they don't know, they'll wonder if their dad would leave them if your relationship broke down. They'll do family trees in school, people will ask about their sisters, they'll ask you about why they don't see them. Maybe not as children, but as adults. SO much of how my father parented me was, in retrospect, linked to missing out on his other child. I still judge him, a bit, despite him being an incredibly engaged and involved father to me, and thats in the context of knowing that he genuinely pursued all the legal options available to him at the time. Knowing what it is like nowadays, I think there is every possibility that your son will hold it against him in twenty or thirty years, and it will affect him significantly.

I would struggle with staying in a relationship with someone capable of walking away like this. Also - is the fact you have a son and he walked away from daughters a factor in his thinking? In your case I think you need to make it clear he needs to keep doing something. I am sure you can self-represent in court. He needs to be able to show to those girls, and your son, that he did everything possible. They are far too little to give up on at this age. Even my dad fought until his child was old enough to tell him they didn't want contact - it was complete parental alienation but he had no choice.

You are talking about him, and the girls. You haven't said much about your son. My parents didn't really think about how their choices would affect me - they basically took a half sibling away from me. For your own child, you need to get your husband to fight harder. Or you will have questions to answer from your own child in the future.