Help! Some of our children have luxury stuff and some don't. How do we make it fair?

[RainbowSetting]

Help!!!!
I feel really lost with this and want to talk to my SO about it but feel really sad as everytime we do it turns into an argument.
Hence being up at 2am and worrying about it.

I need some help working out what the right thing to do is. Feel like I've lost perspective of the whole situation.

At home there is me and SO, and 5 children between us. All spend approx half the week with us and the other with their mum/dad.
Co parenting is working well.
One side of the co parenting parent buys their children the latest iphones, ipads, earpods, xboxs etc..and they enjoy the use of these in both homes.
So far so good.
The other co parenting parent also buys great stuff for their children, but not to this scale. Which is also fine, and obviously we buy them nice stuff too. None of this is ever given outside of birthdays or Xmas by anyone.
The problem is the difference in what the children have is noticeable.
We make sure what is in our control, ie what we buy them is equal and fair. Same amount spent on them all.

Should we make any attempt to make sure what the children have overall is a bit more even?
We could afford it to make it a bit more even, probably not 100%.
But then as soon as we do, should we then spend the same on the other children to male it fair?Which makes things unfair again! It makes my head spin!

Obviously there are birthdays coming up and it's getting very stressful and tense at home.
Has anyone ever had a similar situation?
Or does anyone have any opinions?

I genuinely don't know what the right thing to do is, and it's causing big arguments. Any advice would be appreciated.

Many many thanks for any help or word of advice!

(Where is the praying emoji when you need it)

Also, the children are 9, 12, 12, 18, and 23.
The 23yo has moved out but we still buy presents for him.

No - it's just how life works really, and there will be differences throughout their whole lives.
My I have step parents on both sides,,no step siblings but I do have half siblings - they always got 'better' stuff from the other sides of their families, but that didn't make me any less grateful for what I was given.
We all got different things in different ways, but that's because we had different 'whole' families and other stuff that went alongside it all.
I would not have appreciated one of my parents either restricting what I was given or limiting what they wanted to give to me in order to try and level out the field.
Life doesn't work like that.

Thanks @RainbowMum11

That's a great perspective from personal experience, thank you

I'm a step parent. It just isn't possible. They come from different families (and don't share a parent if you two haven't had children together) therefore life is always going to reflect that in various ways. The same may happen with things like cars, money for university or property, spending on grandchildren etc. It's normal life and it's OK.

It's an odd way to think about,or lose sleep, about. what the children get,or don't get, regarding gifts, and the price of things. Everything does not have to be even with everyone. If any of the children quibble or argue about this at all, then they need to get more realistic about things in life.

Most children seem to get too much,too soon these days,which makes it more difficult to know what to buy for them in the future, for birthdays and Christmas etc,

I think you’re overthinking this. When you say it causes arguments, what sort of arguments is it causing?

@sassbott
You know the normal sort where 2 people have different opinions! Which would be fine but we can't come to agreement which is leaving us both feeling stressed out as there are birthdays looming.

And yes I completely agree that I'm possibly overthinking it, but knowing that isn't helping me at the moment!

Was looking for some perspective that I can take to the discussion and hopefully help me/us have a more rational and logical conversation.

One of us thinks we should spend an even amount on our children regardless, and the other thinks we should try to make it a bit fairer in terms of what they have. ipad with pen, keyboard etc, compared to £80 small screened tablet.

I seemed to have lost perspective on what is important and why! Or had it beaten out of me when I try to get my point across!

Ok, it's really hard for anyone to give you any more specific advice than just you're overthinking it whilst you're being vague about what is being argued and by who. I'm guessing you're the one that wants things to be more equal? Can you elaborate a bit more on that? If not, I can only agree with others that generically speaking you do not need to beat yourself up about everything being exactly the same. And also, I wouldn't go down the route of encouraging your kids to be snobbish about whether their tablet is an official apple one etc.

I don't think the brand is that important, but if it restricts what they are able to do that might matter more.

Why not lay out some specifics and people can try and help.

My kids get presents from me, dp's kids get presents from him, they are not the same value because my kids get nice things from their dad (well I tell him what to buy, or he sends me the money) and from their grandparents, whereas dp's dd gets very little from her mum or wider relatives so her dad as the high income earner is the one to buy her a car etc.

Life isn't always equal and if it's a semi essential thing like a laptop I would try to get one but not AirPods and iPads

Very hard to advise in the abstract, but I'd say you seem to be focussing a lot on the cost and your adult perception of equalling up either things or money. Starting point for presents is what the kids actually want. Do the kids necessarily regard a iPad as better than a different tablet, etc? Or is that your adult perception?

I'd start by having conversations with the upcoming birthday child and explaining that, for example, the child could get an iPad but they are very expensive so there would only be a couple of other little things, or they could have a cheaper tablet and a bit more. That's the sort of decision they will have to make constantly as adults so it's worth getting them into that way of thinking now.

If I had to give an abstract answer, I'd say that you should be aiming to spend roughly the same amount per child, although might occasionally splash out a bit more for one of it is something they really, really want, or partly need (eg if the iPad is for online homework).

I think for example if one set of kids has the new xbox as a big ticket item I would try and even it up so that the other kid had one too. I always try to keep spending similar across all children but don't go into unnecessary or tit for tat spending. There are probably some expensive items your children will want at various times and if they will look after them properly and respect the items then I would be prepared to sacrifice somewhere else in the budget to make that happen.

It's obvious.

The kids you want to spend more money on are your children and the ones who have the flashy iPhones are his.

The point is that you chose to blend your families knowing that they will always have a separate life elsewhere. You can't control what their mother spends on them and your children are now having to share their space with other kids who they perceive to have more than them.

Your boyfriend is right, he shouldn't have to spend less on his children just because you want yours to have more.

However this is worrying, does he actually beat you?

"Or had it beaten out of me when I try to get my point across!"

You can't compensate for what happens in the children's other homes, all you can do is treat the children in your care equally, I'm saying this not knowing which children have the higher spending other home.

The exception I would make is for significant items which children need. If one set have a laptop each for homework, the other set should be given one too without feeling you are treating one lot of children and not the other.

I think holidays should be for the whole family regardless of the other home, it's about spending time with their parent.

from what i can gather here, is it your DP's children who are getting more expensive gifts bought for them by their mum, bringing them to your house - and you cant match what she buys them for your own children?

From another perspective - my DH buys his DD expensive clothing etc and his ex does get bitter because she cant afford to buy her other DD the same stuff. It a way of the world you just have to accept. The same way my step dad has probably a little wedding fund set up for his daughter and not me. I don't expect one.

TBH I'm super confused by your vague explanations but I hope something from this helps you lol x

Please be more specific it's really hard to advise when everything is so obscure ?!

Ok thanks everyone. I really appreciate you all replying.
Yes I was trying to be abstract! I thought being non specific would make it easier. I was wrong, sorry!

So, example...dd wants a tablet for her birthday. I've been told I shouldn't be spending more than approx £100 on her bday as that's what was spent by us on the others for their bdays. SS has a flashy ipad with all the accessories bought by his non resident dad. And it's great, he gets a lot of value from it, has a pen for art, has a keyboard for typing etc.
I'm not bothered about matching it like for like or even anything near close, but £100 will get the cheapest tablet out there, it's literally opposite ends of the spectrum which doesn't feel fair to me.
And yes this probably is more about how I feel rather than the children. I want them all to have nice things, like their step siblings, and we can afford it, so why not.

My other half is saying we should approx spend the same on them all, which I agree with, but I also don't want there to be such a big gap in terms of what they have.

Confused, can't have it both ways, can't have my cake and eat it, what do I do?

Spend a bit more and upset my SO knowing it's going to cause an argument and tension between us. Or just accept that my children are going to have less, even though I want to buy them things that they'll enjoy and get alot of use out of, and can afford it.

Hope that helps!

The tablet really is just one example. Clothes, trainers, coats, phones, unlimited data plans, latest consoles, holidays - well I guess holidays are slightly different but that's a whole separate dilemma! I'm not painting a great picture of our relationship am I!

OP, if you are spending roughly the same amount of money on each child you are treating them fairly in your house. If you feel the need to
cede control of what happens in your house to either ex by letting their gift giving practices set the standard for your household then you are in effect saying that their judgment is better than yours.

If they decide for next Xmas that they are going to take their kids on a luxury cruise to Egypt to see the Great Pyramid, does that mean that you should respond by calling your travel agent to book a comparable experience?
If one parent earns significantly more, is the other parent cheating the kids or denying the kids by not having the same income,?

For my daughter's birthday, we bought her a car. My much younger son get electronic devices and sporting equipment. In the dollar amount spent , my daughter far exceeded my son. Should my son have felt cheated?

Your kids probably attend school with kids who have significantly more luxury items and others who have far less , and they come to understand how the real word works.

If they see fairness in what happens in their household, they come to know that fairness is the standard in your household. They may grip as kids tend to grip but they will also recognize the balance that happens in your house.

If you are willing to let others set the standard for your home, then perhaps they and not you should be in charge of all of your household decisions as you are obviously willing to follow their practices and policies as relates to gifting. Nor should some of the children lose out in your gifting simply because their other parent is either capable of or willing to purchase more expensive gifts.

Assuming you don't have kids between you, you spend what you see fit on your kids. Your dp spends what they see fit on theirs.

You also need to bear in mind that different kids will have different amounts spend at different ages. For example one birthday our oldest had driving lessons - several hundred pounds worth. Youngest had £50 spent on them. But knew that they too would get driving lessons when they reached that age. As long as you treat your own fairly at each age I wouldn't get too worked up about it.

Actually, I disagree that all children in any family should have the same arbitrary amount spent on them each year. Sometimes children need something more expensive, sometimes less it all evens out in the end. Your daughter wants an expensive item this year, so it’s her turn, in other years someone else might want something more expensive. What’s the point in trying to find something for exactly £100, just to be ‘fair’?

So, example...dd wants a tablet for her birthday. I've been told I shouldn't be spending more than approx £100 on her bday as that's what was spent by us on the others for their bdays. SS has a flashy ipad with all the accessories bought by his non resident dad. And it's great, he gets a lot of value from it, has a pen for art, has a keyboard for typing etc. I'm not bothered about matching it like for like or even anything near close, but £100 will get the cheapest tablet out there, it's literally opposite ends of the spectrum which doesn't feel fair to me. And yes this probably is more about how I feel rather than the children. I want them all to have nice things, like their step siblings, and we can afford it, so why not.

So was DSS's tablet bought by your DH, or his other household? Just trying to make sense of the situation.

Regardless, there's really no need to ensure the kids have the same spent on them each birthday, as long as one doesn't consistently get more. In a conventional family there would be years when one of the kids gets something that is expensive - things like phones, consoles, tablets, bikes, cars etc, and this will happen to all of them at some point (usually according to their age) but will not happen every year. Between this and the example you gave on a different thread earlier, your husband is sounding really excessive in his attempts to make things exactly equal and if he's being forceful with that POV then he does not sound good at all.

OP, birthdays are the ideal time to get a child the gift in type and quality that you choose, because it is a time when only 1 person receiving a gift and their is far less opportunity or inclination to compare.

Maybe your agreement could be structured so that the same amount is spent on all for Xmas, but their is flexibility based on age and individual interests for birthdays

Yes maybe I am letting others outside of our home set the standards for gifting, that's a good way to look at it, thank you.

I like your holiday example too. If a special holiday gets booked for the step children with their dad, I absolutely will want to get on the phone to the travel agent to make sure they all get the same experience. That is an actual situation right now, and I do want to ring the travel agent. But I know my OH doesn't want me to so I haven't. Obviously only if I could afford it, if not then I wouldn't consider it.

I'm not claiming to be perfect.

@Tiredoftattler

OP, birthdays are the ideal time to get a child the gift in type and quality that you choose, because it is a time when only 1 person receiving a gift and their is far less opportunity or inclination to compare.

Maybe your agreement could be structured so that the same amount is spent on all for Xmas, but their is flexibility based on age and individual interests for birthdays

That's a good idea about birthdays and Xmas being different, thank you

Now that you are being more specific, I think you are right. You can afford the gift, so it would be kind for the children to have similar gifts overall - regardless of who bought them.