Help! Some of our children have luxury stuff and some don't. How do we make it fair?

[RainbowSetting]

Help!!!!
I feel really lost with this and want to talk to my SO about it but feel really sad as everytime we do it turns into an argument.
Hence being up at 2am and worrying about it.

I need some help working out what the right thing to do is. Feel like I've lost perspective of the whole situation.

At home there is me and SO, and 5 children between us. All spend approx half the week with us and the other with their mum/dad.
Co parenting is working well.
One side of the co parenting parent buys their children the latest iphones, ipads, earpods, xboxs etc..and they enjoy the use of these in both homes.
So far so good.
The other co parenting parent also buys great stuff for their children, but not to this scale. Which is also fine, and obviously we buy them nice stuff too. None of this is ever given outside of birthdays or Xmas by anyone.
The problem is the difference in what the children have is noticeable.
We make sure what is in our control, ie what we buy them is equal and fair. Same amount spent on them all.

Should we make any attempt to make sure what the children have overall is a bit more even?
We could afford it to make it a bit more even, probably not 100%.
But then as soon as we do, should we then spend the same on the other children to male it fair?Which makes things unfair again! It makes my head spin!

Obviously there are birthdays coming up and it's getting very stressful and tense at home.
Has anyone ever had a similar situation?
Or does anyone have any opinions?

I genuinely don't know what the right thing to do is, and it's causing big arguments. Any advice would be appreciated.

Many many thanks for any help or word of advice!

(Where is the praying emoji when you need it)

Also, the children are 9, 12, 12, 18, and 23.
The 23yo has moved out but we still buy presents for him.

As it seems you can afford the better tablet for your dc, the only question for me on deciding between the cheaper and more expensive option would be based on how that particular dc treated their other belongings

@Ninkanink

Oops think I might get confused about who is who - that’s what I get for not paying proper attention to minutiae of OP and resultant thread.

Regardless of the sex of you or the other party, I really wouldn’t be dictated to about what I buy for my children.

@Ninkanink

Get that coffee!

Yes you're right, sex, gender shouldn't matter. I'm male and my other half is female. I don't want to be dictated to either. I do want to consider everyone though.

Time for school run in a few minutes!

When I first read this I wondered whether you were focusing on this issue but actually worried about something else...
However, I think birthdays should be the time for a special present-based on need/interests
I think there would be a difference in cash amount spent on 9 and 18 year old, for example

Can you not just increase the budget for all of them? It sounds like you can afford it!

@RainbowSetting I have no idea, except my step mother was a complete bitch.
I was told at 13 I wasn't in their will as it was more complicated and more expensive to add me. I didn't even know what a will was!
When I say fair OP fair in the definition that no one feels unloved, lesser or resentful.
When either of my sons needed anything we'd sit as a family and talk about why we were spending x,y,z on the other at this point.
Example oldest passed his driving test so we gave him some money and paid for insurance, youngest knows that we could afford it at that point but things may change and he will get more, less the same when his time comes.
Seems to have worked for us.

@RainbowSetting

Yes maybe I am letting others outside of our home set the standards for gifting, that's a good way to look at it, thank you.

I like your holiday example too. If a special holiday gets booked for the step children with their dad, I absolutely will want to get on the phone to the travel agent to make sure they all get the same experience. That is an actual situation right now, and I do want to ring the travel agent. But I know my OH doesn't want me to so I haven't. Obviously only if I could afford it, if not then I wouldn't consider it.

I'm not claiming to be perfect.

Ooh but then this suggest it's more about competing with them rather than what your kids want or need...

@crochetandshit

As it seems you can afford the better tablet for your dc, the only question for me on deciding between the cheaper and more expensive option would be based on how that particular dc treated their other belongings

@crochetandshit

The decision for me is do I dare upset my other half!

@RainbowSetting I’m up to speed now!

I’d always want to be considerate, of course, and make all the children feel valued within the blended unit. But at the end of the day, I’m the parent to my children and my first responsibility is to them.

I have twins and we try and aim for long term balance rather than equal spending on each occasion.
Last Xmas ds wanted a really expensive pc. DD was told we wouldn't be spending the same on her just for the sake of it but when she wanted a big ticket item she could have one.
She is having a paddleboard board for her birthday.
We try and focus on getting dc what they really want/need rather than spending set sums.

There are 2 9 year olds so they will notice - they're the same age!
Just get them what they want = they are happy. Isn't that what the other parents are aiming for? I wouldn't have anyone miss out on what is deemed "fair" as that isn't actually fair as far as a child is concerned. Maybe keep a rough tab so you can even it out on another year. You dont know what the future holds

No, the question is, do you placate your partner when their dc have everything they want, or do you treat your own dc when you can well afford to.

@crochetandshit

No, the question is, do you placate your partner when their dc have everything they want, or do you treat your own dc when you can well afford to.

This.

This is getting perilously close to the definition of ‘putting a woman/man before your children’. I’d consider very carefully where your focus should actually be.

Hi OP,

I know it might seem too late, but you REALLY, REALLY need to have a talk with your parter.

YOU earn YOUR money. YOU parent YOUR children. THE PARTNER DOES NOT get to decide how much you spend on your child (unless you have DC together, which it seems you do not - and don't please)

I figured from post 2 that you were a man and it was your female partner who did not want you to spend more money on your DC - but you can afford to, so it is NOT her decision.

However, the stress this is causing you could be your body telling you that you are not happy with the home set up and perhaps you moved in with this person too soon.

Please, think of your DC, they should always come first.

Good luck - and I hope this has helped you see that you are not being unreasonable.

Also OP, if you were a woman posting this about her new male partner, we would be shouting that this was controlling and a red flag.

The same applies to you - be careful. THINK.

18 year old can do chores/get a job. 9 year old is too young. As regards the 2x 12 year olds - there I would try and match it somewhat on the tech. As they would directly compare to each other. I have 4 children and do not try and equalise exactly either, older one always gets more due to age. Younger one will get at roughly the same age.

Why don't you have it so that you each give your step-children gifts to the value of (eg) £100 but you are free to spend whatever you want on your own children?

Tbh I wouldn't stay with someone who told me that my children couldn't have what their children have.

You're not married. I think maybe you should have a shared bank account for bills etc but have the rest in your own account, if you don't have shared children and if your partner hasn't sacrificed work to bring up your children. You definitely need separate accounts for spending money at the very least.

I dont think setting a monetary value works when you such big age gaps either.

For example my youngest might really want arts and crafts or lego for her birthday yet our oldest might want a jacket or runners. That cost €€€.

It's like Christmas when they are little their piles look massive because you can buy cheaper bits and pieces but as they get older they want a big ticket item. I fell into the trap when my dd was a younger teen of trying to balance the pile out and then realised that both her and SS had the same experience when they were younger as our youngest so it was "fair".

Dh and I have been step parents for over 10years never in that time have either of us told the other one we couldn't buy something for our respective children. I wouldn't put up with it to be honest if he had.

Don't know where I got that your partner was a bloke OP, sorry about that, but the same advice applies!

I don't spend the same in my dc's, dd1 had a ipad for Christmas whilst her sister had a lego set, the ipad is money we'll spent and I wouldn't even consider buying a cheap tablet of you can afford a ipad (the ipad will live much longer than tue cheap tablet).

I wouldn't be happy with being told what I should or shouldn't spend in my child's birthday. Of you can afford the ipad then I don't really see the issue, you don't have to spend the same on all of them but when it comes to tech your better off buying a better item rather than buying something that won't last?

The holiday things is totally different, im sure tue do understand that the others may have a better holiday than they do because things in life are never equal.

ALL children need to grow up understanding that different people, have different incomes, priorities, responsibilities and lifestyles. This includes their diverse collection of parents Let them practice a little fortitude and resilience.

      When they start working and earning, they will have to budget and make big decisions about spending priorities.  I wanted all my kids to  acquire some appreciation of those issues  while still in the safety net of home.  Don't send them out into the world  unprepared.

Well from a personal perspective.

Normally I just say I have two siblings but for the sake of clarity with this I have one full sibling and one half sibling. Full sibling 2 years younger and half sibling 13 years younger.

FS (full sib) and I had a fairly skint childhood. DF paid maintenance but he wasn't in a high earning job at the time and DM earned little. We weren't poverty line or going hungry etc but we never had anything we didn't need. We went to state school (obviously). We were both bought cars for our 18th birthdays (which was amazing) but they were usual banger type first cars. We paid for our own driving lessons because we were working at 17. We both bought our houses with deposits we'd saved ourselves (with our spouses).

By the time HS (half sib) came along, my DF was earning much better and he married my step mum who came from a really well off family. They bought a huge detached house when she sold her business to become a SAHM. HS went to a an expensive private school from age 4-18, never wanted for anything, was also bought a car for 18th but more like a £5k car than a £1k car and has been left a huge inheritance from his grandparents which is in excess of a house deposit.

Despite this, there has never been any bad feeling. I don't think for a minute HS has any idea that our childhood was so much less privileged than his, we were grown up and left home by the time he'd have been old enough to register. He's not spoilt and we're really close. He has had this extra in the main because his grandparents were wealthy and paid for his schooling etc.

I do sometimes think that my DF could have evened things up a little, especially as he's a real high earner now. But I've grown up not expecting a penny from anyone and it's stood me in good stead. It does sometimes grate when we all go out for dinner and DF pays still for HS while FS and I pay for ourselves (but we do have spouses and I have 2 children) because HS is now 23, just graduated from university, still living at home working a poorly paid pub job whilst he tries to find a graduate job. He's got more money that we'll ever have.

But, that said, I don't let that come between me and HS and not does my FS.

@Woeismethischristmas

Just had a look at Cex, looks great, thank you, hadn't heard of it before 👍

@5475878237NC

These aren't half siblings though they are nothing to do with each other really.

@5475878237NC

What do you mean?

@Eviebeans

When I first read this I wondered whether you were focusing on this issue but actually worried about something else... However, I think birthdays should be the time for a special present-based on need/interests I think there would be a difference in cash amount spent on 9 and 18 year old, for example

@Eviebeans

Yes I agree, birthdays for special presents and based on their needs, interests and hobbies.

What did you think I might be worried about?

[quote Logmein]@RainbowSetting I have no idea, except my step mother was a complete bitch.
I was told at 13 I wasn't in their will as it was more complicated and more expensive to add me. I didn't even know what a will was!
When I say fair OP fair in the definition that no one feels unloved, lesser or resentful.
When either of my sons needed anything we'd sit as a family and talk about why we were spending x,y,z on the other at this point.
Example oldest passed his driving test so we gave him some money and paid for insurance, youngest knows that we could afford it at that point but things may change and he will get more, less the same when his time comes.
Seems to have worked for us.[/quote]
@Logmein

Sounds like you had a tough time. You certainly seem to be doing a good job now though and making great decisions about how to make it fair for everyone in your family👍