Help! Some of our children have luxury stuff and some don't. How do we make it fair?

[RainbowSetting]

Help!!!!
I feel really lost with this and want to talk to my SO about it but feel really sad as everytime we do it turns into an argument.
Hence being up at 2am and worrying about it.

I need some help working out what the right thing to do is. Feel like I've lost perspective of the whole situation.

At home there is me and SO, and 5 children between us. All spend approx half the week with us and the other with their mum/dad.
Co parenting is working well.
One side of the co parenting parent buys their children the latest iphones, ipads, earpods, xboxs etc..and they enjoy the use of these in both homes.
So far so good.
The other co parenting parent also buys great stuff for their children, but not to this scale. Which is also fine, and obviously we buy them nice stuff too. None of this is ever given outside of birthdays or Xmas by anyone.
The problem is the difference in what the children have is noticeable.
We make sure what is in our control, ie what we buy them is equal and fair. Same amount spent on them all.

Should we make any attempt to make sure what the children have overall is a bit more even?
We could afford it to make it a bit more even, probably not 100%.
But then as soon as we do, should we then spend the same on the other children to male it fair?Which makes things unfair again! It makes my head spin!

Obviously there are birthdays coming up and it's getting very stressful and tense at home.
Has anyone ever had a similar situation?
Or does anyone have any opinions?

I genuinely don't know what the right thing to do is, and it's causing big arguments. Any advice would be appreciated.

Many many thanks for any help or word of advice!

(Where is the praying emoji when you need it)

Also, the children are 9, 12, 12, 18, and 23.
The 23yo has moved out but we still buy presents for him.

@therearenogoodusernamesleft

Can you not just increase the budget for all of them? It sounds like you can afford it!

@therearenogoodusernamesleft

Yes! Hopefully this is the solution!

@therearenogoodusernamesleft

Holiday... ha ha yeah maybe a bit! Mostly it's about if some of them get to experience something great and we can afford to let the others experience it too, then we should. But my OH doesn't agree.

@lakesidelife

I have twins and we try and aim for long term balance rather than equal spending on each occasion. Last Xmas ds wanted a really expensive pc. DD was told we wouldn't be spending the same on her just for the sake of it but when she wanted a big ticket item she could have one. She is having a paddleboard board for her birthday. We try and focus on getting dc what they really want/need rather than spending set sums.

@lakesidelife

That sounds ideal. Another one who is able to manage it with ease! Sounds like you tackled the situation with no problems at all!
Just me then!

@Iwantanap

There are 2 9 year olds so they will notice - they're the same age! Just get them what they want = they are happy. Isn't that what the other parents are aiming for? I wouldn't have anyone miss out on what is deemed "fair" as that isn't actually fair as far as a child is concerned. Maybe keep a rough tab so you can even it out on another year. You dont know what the future holds

@Iwantanap

That's a really good point about the ones who are the same age, it's the 12yr olds, completely agree they will be the ones who will notice

So your kids and yours and her kids her hers? No joint kids?

Are your finances totally shared? Or kept separate.

I would say just buy your kids what you want to buy them and what you'd have bought before bossy boots moved in, especially if finances arent a problem. Just tell your partner that this isnt for her to decide. Her kids have a father who has the money and is spending it on his kids. Your kids have a father who has the money, but is being told he isnt allowed to spend it on his kids. That's not fair. As long as this doesnt our your household on financial difficulties, then buy your kids what you want to buy them. She can do the same for hers. Or you can jointly decide to up the amount you spend together.

@crochetandshit

No, the question is, do you placate your partner when their dc have everything they want, or do you treat your own dc when you can well afford to.

@crochetandshit

When you put it like that...

That was meant to say your kids are your kids, and her kids are her kids.

@Ninkanink
It doesn't go down well when I say the children come first, been there and had that argument many many times. It never ends well

Sorry OP, I wasn't trying to sound like a smug git.
It is just something we have thought and talked about before reaching this conclusion.
It is hard to know what to do at first and when they were little we just did more equal items and money stuff.
But this doesn't work as well as they age.
Sometimes it's helpful to hear how others before you have settled the dilemma.

Although this mostly seems a DP issue and not a dc issue.

@Annasgirl

Also OP, if you were a woman posting this about her new male partner, we would be shouting that this was controlling and a red flag.

The same applies to you - be careful. THINK.

@Annasgirl

Thank you

I do question what is going on sometimes. Sometimes the behaviour doesn't seem right. But then I'm not perfect either, I know that. In think I cause a lot of it. It goes from endless love and affection which feels amazing to being told off and told I don't meet what she expects.

I'm possibly making this sound really bad when it might not be at all.

Your partner is being a controlling arse. None of their business what you get your kids for their birthdays (unless you share finances and spend a massively unreasonable amount). Tell them to butt out.

@lucyslocketinherpocket

Well from a personal perspective.

Normally I just say I have two siblings but for the sake of clarity with this I have one full sibling and one half sibling. Full sibling 2 years younger and half sibling 13 years younger.

FS (full sib) and I had a fairly skint childhood. DF paid maintenance but he wasn't in a high earning job at the time and DM earned little. We weren't poverty line or going hungry etc but we never had anything we didn't need. We went to state school (obviously). We were both bought cars for our 18th birthdays (which was amazing) but they were usual banger type first cars. We paid for our own driving lessons because we were working at 17. We both bought our houses with deposits we'd saved ourselves (with our spouses).

By the time HS (half sib) came along, my DF was earning much better and he married my step mum who came from a really well off family. They bought a huge detached house when she sold her business to become a SAHM. HS went to a an expensive private school from age 4-18, never wanted for anything, was also bought a car for 18th but more like a £5k car than a £1k car and has been left a huge inheritance from his grandparents which is in excess of a house deposit.

Despite this, there has never been any bad feeling. I don't think for a minute HS has any idea that our childhood was so much less privileged than his, we were grown up and left home by the time he'd have been old enough to register. He's not spoilt and we're really close. He has had this extra in the main because his grandparents were wealthy and paid for his schooling etc.

I do sometimes think that my DF could have evened things up a little, especially as he's a real high earner now. But I've grown up not expecting a penny from anyone and it's stood me in good stead. It does sometimes grate when we all go out for dinner and DF pays still for HS while FS and I pay for ourselves (but we do have spouses and I have 2 children) because HS is now 23, just graduated from university, still living at home working a poorly paid pub job whilst he tries to find a graduate job. He's got more money that we'll ever have.

But, that said, I don't let that come between me and HS and not does my FS.

@lucyslocketinherpocket

That is really interesting. Thank you for sharing. Great to know that there is no resentment and that you are close regardless of anything money related. I definitely need to remember that. Thank you.

Your kids really shouodnt be worse off because you've got a new partner, especially when the kids you've blended with a father who is happy to prove substantial things for them. Those kids havent had their lifestyle changed. They're still getting whatever their dad would usually get them.

You moving in with her hasnt cause you financial issues, you're still able to provide stuff for your kids that you would have before. So why cant you? Because your partner is being selfish with the "my kids are alright, jack" attitude.

We have 2 children , both ours jointly , now both adults ( 1 here , 1 not) we have never spent equally at birthdays / Christmas as I’ve always worked on the theory that it will even itself out eventually . Sorry if I’ve missed it but do you have completely joint finances with your SO ?

@lakesidelife

Sorry OP, I wasn't trying to sound like a smug git. It is just something we have thought and talked about before reaching this conclusion. It is hard to know what to do at first and when they were little we just did more equal items and money stuff. But this doesn't work as well as they age. Sometimes it's helpful to hear how others before you have settled the dilemma.

Although this mostly seems a DP issue and not a dc issue.

@lakesidelife

Oh no, sorry didn't mean it like that! You didn't come across as smug.

Yes it really is helpful to hear how others have worked it out.

It's like it's great that I'm hearing how easy it can be to get it right, but it also reminds me that I'm in the minority who can't get it right!

Are you scared of your partner? What would happen if you just went out and spent loads of money on your own children? Her children should not be setting the precedent on what you are ‘allowed’ to spend on yours. Say if you only spent £50 on your dc for this birthday, would your partner then only spend £50 on her children for theirs to make it fair?

@RainbowSetting in that case I would say you really ought to seriously consider calling time on the relationship, or at least on living together.

Hi OP,

With your update I also think you need to move back to separate houses - at least. Split up if things don’t improve after that. Good luck.

Are the 12 year olds twins or do you have one each?

Op you can’t get it right because your dp doesn’t want to spend family money on your kids. Hers kids don’t need it, they have what they want. Do you both have your own pot of money, so you have a choice on some spending? If not that may be a way forward. I do think your Dp is being mean to your dc and it would concern me

I think the way you feel about it, is normal. As it’s your children that are ‘missing out’. Would be interesting to ask your SO how he would feel if the situation was flipped?

But also I agree that it is just the way life is. And it’s probably never going to be fair.

We have a similar situation sometimes. We buy all the kids clothes and shoes etc so they have decent stuff from us. But for other stuff sometimes it doesn’t balance. My 2 DC are going on holiday with their dad in the summer. Neither of DPs DC will have a holiday this year.

We are taking them all next year 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Sometimes it’s just not going to be equal.

Crikey. Where to begin. First of all thank you all for taking the time to help someone in need.

I'll try to answer some of the questions you've asked.

DD is 9
DS 12
DSS 12
DSD 18
DSS 22 not living at home.
No children together.

We've been together for 6 years. Living together for nearly 1. A sore point in our relationship, which gets brought up lots, is that I maintained that I wanted to make my children my priority. I went from living with them full time when me and their mum were together to only having 6 nights every fortnight (3 nights 1 week, 4 the next). So I wanted to make the most of that time.
Our relationship mostly consisted of me spending half my time with my children, and the other half with my gf. For the best part of 5 years. This was difficult for us all. A huge point of unhappiness for my gf as she wanted to spend more time with me. So last year we bought a house together. We split the bills. We split the bills 50/50. I pay CM. She receives it. She is paid more than me. We don't have any joint bank accounts, I've suggested it quote a few times just for bills and shopping, saving for stuff together.

And yes, my children are now worse off because I would normally buy them more than what I'm being told I should.

Her EH is in a position to be very generous with his children. My Ex is just normal in that sense.

The younger children all get along very well. The 2 boys have just started secondary school together so it's lovely that they have each other.

Someone asked if I'm scared of my partner. No not physically. But her directness and assertiveness does make me think twice about having discussions that might become difficult.

What would happen if I went out and spent what I want on my DD birthday? There would be a huge row. There would be an
awkward atmosphere for a few days. I'd get told off about other stuff that bothers her, but all because she's still annoyed about the original problem.

My mum wants to take her grandchildren on holiday for a week to cornwall, when I told OH about this, she said "And I expect you want to go as well " I don't know how to describe the tone, but it was clear I should not answer yes to that question.

She was very unhappy her DS wasn't invited. And we should book something to even it up. I did point out that her ex is taking their children to Disney World Florida for 3 weeks in the summer (or at least has booked it, travel restrictions permitted).

Sorry for the long post!

Neither of us has had a second family after our divorce so not really in this situation but I do try to treat all my children the same and it tends to work out over time. They have friends with more stuff and I just have to say well X is an only child and I pay for five of you children or ABC is rich. That is just now it is.

You might find the step child with the generous father gets a replacement ipad and can pass that one down. My children have often enjoyed someone's cast off stuff. I remember their sister's husband once gave one an ipad - it was incredibly kind of him (just because he was replacing it with a new one). Years later it is still used.

Ok, lots more info now. Bluntly, few questions really.

1. since moving in a year ago are you happier? On the whole? You say your GF struggled, did you? Or were you ok with the set up?
2. are your children happier? Sounds like it was a big change for you and them. Do you and they get any 121 time together?
3. the finances and agreement of 50/50? I see that as perfectly fair (despite the outline you’ve given) as you signed up to it and agreed it. If that wasn’t something you liked the idea of (given she earns more and gets CM, then that should have been discussed prior to moving in)

Re the wider conversation around holidays and money?
Short of money being an issue/ both of you trying to save towards something specific, then bluntly you should be able to spend what you wish on your children. If it is not an affordability issue and/ or the sums involved are reasonable, then why not.

Your comment re wanting to call the travel agent re the holiday though. Is this one upmanship? Now it’s something simple as a device. What about when it is a new car? And if her ex can buy their kids a much nicer car, is that something you will expect to spend on yours? Even if as a household your income level does not match the exh’s? I guess what I’m trying to ask (in a polite way), is whether this is about the kids or a pissing war against her ExH? Does he earn vastly more?
If you do one upmanship is it sustainable?

The comments re Cornwall holiday are a massive red flag for me. Why wouldn’t you want to go on holiday with your own children with their grandparents? It’s a given (and you should go).