Help! Some of our children have luxury stuff and some don't. How do we make it fair?

[RainbowSetting]

Help!!!!
I feel really lost with this and want to talk to my SO about it but feel really sad as everytime we do it turns into an argument.
Hence being up at 2am and worrying about it.

I need some help working out what the right thing to do is. Feel like I've lost perspective of the whole situation.

At home there is me and SO, and 5 children between us. All spend approx half the week with us and the other with their mum/dad.
Co parenting is working well.
One side of the co parenting parent buys their children the latest iphones, ipads, earpods, xboxs etc..and they enjoy the use of these in both homes.
So far so good.
The other co parenting parent also buys great stuff for their children, but not to this scale. Which is also fine, and obviously we buy them nice stuff too. None of this is ever given outside of birthdays or Xmas by anyone.
The problem is the difference in what the children have is noticeable.
We make sure what is in our control, ie what we buy them is equal and fair. Same amount spent on them all.

Should we make any attempt to make sure what the children have overall is a bit more even?
We could afford it to make it a bit more even, probably not 100%.
But then as soon as we do, should we then spend the same on the other children to male it fair?Which makes things unfair again! It makes my head spin!

Obviously there are birthdays coming up and it's getting very stressful and tense at home.
Has anyone ever had a similar situation?
Or does anyone have any opinions?

I genuinely don't know what the right thing to do is, and it's causing big arguments. Any advice would be appreciated.

Many many thanks for any help or word of advice!

(Where is the praying emoji when you need it)

Also, the children are 9, 12, 12, 18, and 23.
The 23yo has moved out but we still buy presents for him.

We don't spend set amounts on them for birthdays and Christmas. They get what they ask for and the best version of it we can afford.

That includes things like bikes, TV, phone etc. Things like tablets phones gaming consoles they don't need two of them.

For example we bought our ones smart watches for Christmas. We didn't spend the same amount on them but we got the ones they wanted and chose.

If my ss got airpods for example from his mam and he asked us to buy him a game and say clothes, then my dd came along and said I would love airpods for my birthday we wouldn't say no because we didn't buy the same for ss. That isn't being fair to her.

It makes no sense not to buy the best version of what ever item you are buying them just to even up the monetary value. In my view as they grow it evens it self out.

@aSofaNearYou

So, example...dd wants a tablet for her birthday. I've been told I shouldn't be spending more than approx £100 on her bday as that's what was spent by us on the others for their bdays. SS has a flashy ipad with all the accessories bought by his non resident dad. And it's great, he gets a lot of value from it, has a pen for art, has a keyboard for typing etc. I'm not bothered about matching it like for like or even anything near close, but £100 will get the cheapest tablet out there, it's literally opposite ends of the spectrum which doesn't feel fair to me. And yes this probably is more about how I feel rather than the children. I want them all to have nice things, like their step siblings, and we can afford it, so why not.

So was DSS's tablet bought by your DH, or his other household? Just trying to make sense of the situation.

Regardless, there's really no need to ensure the kids have the same spent on them each birthday, as long as one doesn't consistently get more. In a conventional family there would be years when one of the kids gets something that is expensive - things like phones, consoles, tablets, bikes, cars etc, and this will happen to all of them at some point (usually according to their age) but will not happen every year. Between this and the example you gave on a different thread earlier, your husband is sounding really excessive in his attempts to make things exactly equal and if he's being forceful with that POV then he does not sound good at all.

Sorry for the confusion, the ipad and accessories were bought outside of our household. Absolutely agree, it could be some get more some year, as long as its not consistently one sided. It does feel forceful. I don't want to be unfair though and there is always 2 sides to things.

@myhobbyisouting

It's obvious.

The kids you want to spend more money on are your children and the ones who have the flashy iPhones are his.

The point is that you chose to blend your families knowing that they will always have a separate life elsewhere. You can't control what their mother spends on them and your children are now having to share their space with other kids who they perceive to have more than them.

Your boyfriend is right, he shouldn't have to spend less on his children just because you want yours to have more.

However this is worrying, does he actually beat you?

"Or had it beaten out of me when I try to get my point across!"

Your skill in reading that situation is remarkable, well done 👏

Also, sorry for the worry. Bad choice of words. Although not physical, definitely verbally and mentally

@Maybe83

We don't spend set amounts on them for birthdays and Christmas. They get what they ask for and the best version of it we can afford.

That includes things like bikes, TV, phone etc. Things like tablets phones gaming consoles they don't need two of them.

For example we bought our ones smart watches for Christmas. We didn't spend the same amount on them but we got the ones they wanted and chose.

If my ss got airpods for example from his mam and he asked us to buy him a game and say clothes, then my dd came along and said I would love airpods for my birthday we wouldn't say no because we didn't buy the same for ss. That isn't being fair to her.

It makes no sense not to buy the best version of what ever item you are buying them just to even up the monetary value. In my view as they grow it evens it self out.

Your life sounds great, that's exactly how I would like it to be.

Well done for making it all sound so easy 🙂

@hedgehoglurker

Now that you are being more specific, I think you are right. You can afford the gift, so it would be kind for the children to have similar gifts overall - regardless of who bought them.

If only the conversation with my OH would be as simple as that!

Tbh I think you should aim for them to have fairly equal items, assuming you can afford it and they actually want these things. It’s all very well to say well if we spend the same amount on all of them then that’s fair but if one set of children are always going to have less/not as good (admittedly sometimes only in their eyes rather than in reality) then I think that could breed resentment.

IMO it’s ok to spend more on some occasions. Assuming dc don’t expect a new phone/tablet/console every birthday or Christmas then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to decide some years to spend more on one than you might usually, without having to spend the same amount on all the dc that particular year. Eg dd will eventually get an iPhone but that doesn’t mean we’ll feel obliged to spend the same amount on her younger brother that year. He’ll get his turn too or will want a different ‘big ticket’ item another year. It evens out over time.

Buy your kid the good iPad if you can afford it. Equal and equitable are different. Being strict about "fairness" can actually breed resentment and quite black and white thinking in the children when they need to learn to be flexible. One Christmas my coder child asked for a pc (over a thousand pounds), my arty child asked for some art supplies (about 50 quid). The next birthday the arty kid asked for a kindle (100 quid) and the coder kid asked for some software (8.99). They both felt listened to and were happy and excited. So long as no child is left out it is important to raise them to understand the difference between price and value.

My children are full siblings and I don't spend the same on them! I'd take it from the pov of what I want the children to have. I want mine to have a bike that fits, so they always do.
They both wanted smart watches. They want tablets / kindles but I said they were too young up til Xmas, when I bought the eldest a suprise kindle. She spent all her money and vouchers on a smart watch. I bought the youngest a kiddie smart watch which he loves and he uses our family kindle. Take occasions out of it. If you want your 9 year old to have a particular piece of tech, get them one! Second hand, none branded if that is what your budget runs to. These are your children, you have to raise them how you see fit, regardless of what your wife does for her children.

@TheMethodicalMeerkat

Tbh I think you should aim for them to have fairly equal items, assuming you can afford it and they actually want these things. It’s all very well to say well if we spend the same amount on all of them then that’s fair but if one set of children are always going to have less/not as good (admittedly sometimes only in their eyes rather than in reality) then I think that could breed resentment.

IMO it’s ok to spend more on some occasions. Assuming dc don’t expect a new phone/tablet/console every birthday or Christmas then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to decide some years to spend more on one than you might usually, without having to spend the same amount on all the dc that particular year. Eg dd will eventually get an iPhone but that doesn’t mean we’ll feel obliged to spend the same amount on her younger brother that year. He’ll get his turn too or will want a different ‘big ticket’ item another year. It evens out over time.

@TheMethodicalMeerkat

Yes that's all I want to aim for, fairly equal items.
We are quite lucky, most of the children don't want or expect much so they are easily pleased, (that might be because some of them have everything already!) but you're right I do worry that resentment might start to appear,especially as they get older. And if we're lucky enough to be able to afford to balance things to avoid that possible resentment a bit then that's the right thing to do isn't it?

Agree that everyone gets their turn for big ticket items, and most children understand that after a conversation.

If my partner even attempted to control what I spent on my own children’s birthdays then he’d be an ex. Why should your children spend their childhood getting the cheapest of everything just because their mums boyfriend decided to give her a budget with her own money on her own children’s birthdays? You want to buy them something nice and you can afford it, so do it.

@Daydrambeliever

Buy your kid the good iPad if you can afford it. Equal and equitable are different. Being strict about "fairness" can actually breed resentment and quite black and white thinking in the children when they need to learn to be flexible. One Christmas my coder child asked for a pc (over a thousand pounds), my arty child asked for some art supplies (about 50 quid). The next birthday the arty kid asked for a kindle (100 quid) and the coder kid asked for some software (8.99). They both felt listened to and were happy and excited. So long as no child is left out it is important to raise them to understand the difference between price and value.

@Daydrambeliever They are some great examples, thank you for sharing, and well done for finding a great balance and great parenting by the sounds of it. You make it sound so easy

I don’t spend equally on my kids… 17 and 15 now. They get what they ask for within a reasonable limits. So if they want £100 trainers then they can put some of their birthday money to it if my budget is £80. It’s easy to say it all has to be equal when it’s not your kids missing out……

@Love51

My children are full siblings and I don't spend the same on them! I'd take it from the pov of what I want the children to have. I want mine to have a bike that fits, so they always do. They both wanted smart watches. They want tablets / kindles but I said they were too young up til Xmas, when I bought the eldest a suprise kindle. She spent all her money and vouchers on a smart watch. I bought the youngest a kiddie smart watch which he loves and he uses our family kindle. Take occasions out of it. If you want your 9 year old to have a particular piece of tech, get them one! Second hand, none branded if that is what your budget runs to. These are your children, you have to raise them how you see fit, regardless of what your wife does for her children.

@Love51 I'd love to be like you. That approach is exactly how I'd like it to be. If I want them to have it, give it to them. That's how I used to be with them.

@Mydarlingmyhamburger

If my partner even attempted to control what I spent on my own children’s birthdays then he’d be an ex. Why should your children spend their childhood getting the cheapest of everything just because their mums boyfriend decided to give her a budget with her own money on her own children’s birthdays? You want to buy them something nice and you can afford it, so do it.

@Mydarlingmyhamburger

I'd love it to be that simple.
The argument I'm facing is that the step children's bdays have come and gone, they said what they wanted fot their bdays, or were given money, but because none of those amounts exceeded approx £100, I shouldn't spend more than that on mine

So what has changed? The budget? Are you supporting your wife's children leaving yourself short for your own? Or is it that your household can't afford to do that for all the children?
If your stepkids were not getting anything from outside of your house, what could you afford for them all? Is it just a case that the children have got older so the present budget is more stretched? (Mine are younger but I'm aware that teens cost more than little ones to get the same "wow" factor).

@Lollypop701

I don’t spend equally on my kids… 17 and 15 now. They get what they ask for within a reasonable limits. So if they want £100 trainers then they can put some of their birthday money to it if my budget is £80. It’s easy to say it all has to be equal when it’s not your kids missing out……

@Lollypop701

Yes exactly! Easy to say it should be equal amounts spent if it's not yours missing out.

That's exactly what is going on. Thank you

@Love51

So what has changed? The budget? Are you supporting your wife's children leaving yourself short for your own? Or is it that your household can't afford to do that for all the children? If your stepkids were not getting anything from outside of your house, what could you afford for them all? Is it just a case that the children have got older so the present budget is more stretched? (Mine are younger but I'm aware that teens cost more than little ones to get the same "wow" factor).

@love51

We've been living together for coming up to a year now. Prior to that there wasn't any debate or concern about what I bought for my children. If I wanted them to have something and I could afford it, I bought them it for bday or Xmas. Now we are living together it's more under the spotlight.

Maybe it's something we should have spoken about and agreed how we treat bdays and Xmas.

@RainbowSetting

Ok thanks everyone. I really appreciate you all replying. Yes I was trying to be abstract! I thought being non specific would make it easier. I was wrong, sorry!

So, example...dd wants a tablet for her birthday. I've been told I shouldn't be spending more than approx £100 on her bday as that's what was spent by us on the others for their bdays. SS has a flashy ipad with all the accessories bought by his non resident dad. And it's great, he gets a lot of value from it, has a pen for art, has a keyboard for typing etc.
I'm not bothered about matching it like for like or even anything near close, but £100 will get the cheapest tablet out there, it's literally opposite ends of the spectrum which doesn't feel fair to me.
And yes this probably is more about how I feel rather than the children. I want them all to have nice things, like their step siblings, and we can afford it, so why not.

My other half is saying we should approx spend the same on them all, which I agree with, but I also don't want there to be such a big gap in terms of what they have.

Confused, can't have it both ways, can't have my cake and eat it, what do I do?

Spend a bit more and upset my SO knowing it's going to cause an argument and tension between us. Or just accept that my children are going to have less, even though I want to buy them things that they'll enjoy and get alot of use out of, and can afford it.

Hope that helps!

The tablet really is just one example. Clothes, trainers, coats, phones, unlimited data plans, latest consoles, holidays - well I guess holidays are slightly different but that's a whole separate dilemma! I'm not painting a great picture of our relationship am I!

Doesn’t help overall but try cex for electronics. I buy the kids pads etc. From there and some of them are pretty much new in box with a warranty but much cheaper than alternatives.

OP, please keep your own home 'fair'.
I lived with my father and when he married my SM decided that for birthday/Christmas etc I got nothing from them as it wasn't 'fair' on their child. I had to spend birthday/Christmas in their home, wasn't allowed to spend it with my Mother.
This happened until I went NC 7 years ago when they decided to do it to my children when their child had a child.
My half sibling was gifted house deposit/car/ had his wedding paid for I didn't.
The thing is my Mother wasn't in a position to gift me anything but Father and his wife worked on the 'her Mother might". This had a massive effect on me as I never felt that I belonged in their family.
My DS and DSS are treated fairly, they have what we can afford regardless of what they may receive from their other families.

@Mydarlingmyhamburger

If my partner even attempted to control what I spent on my own children’s birthdays then he’d be an ex. Why should your children spend their childhood getting the cheapest of everything just because their mums boyfriend decided to give her a budget with her own money on her own children’s birthdays? You want to buy them something nice and you can afford it, so do it.

This. It’s all good and well for him to set rules like that when his children have everything and it’s your children that will have less.

I think he’s really out of order actually. Presuming that he gets to tell you what you can and can’t do with your own children.

This is why my husband and I lived apart for 10+ years until my children were grown up and into settled adulthood (although he wouldn’t ever have thought he could dictate to me about what to buy or not buy for my children).

Oops think I might get confused about who is who - that’s what I get for not paying proper attention to minutiae of OP and resultant thread.

Regardless of the sex of you or the other party, I really wouldn’t be dictated to about what I buy for my children.

@Logmein

OP, please keep your own home 'fair'. I lived with my father and when he married my SM decided that for birthday/Christmas etc I got nothing from them as it wasn't 'fair' on their child. I had to spend birthday/Christmas in their home, wasn't allowed to spend it with my Mother. This happened until I went NC 7 years ago when they decided to do it to my children when their child had a child. My half sibling was gifted house deposit/car/ had his wedding paid for I didn't. The thing is my Mother wasn't in a position to gift me anything but Father and his wife worked on the 'her Mother might". This had a massive effect on me as I never felt that I belonged in their family. My DS and DSS are treated fairly, they have what we can afford regardless of what they may receive from their other families.

@Logmein

Very sorry to hear that, does not sound like a nice environment for you.
If you don't mind me asking, why did they not feel it was fair on their child if you received gifts for Xmas and bdays?

You offer a great perspective, thank you.
I/We do want things to be fair, but as I guess you were unfortunate enough to find out, sometimes our view of what is fair can get mixed up. Which is why I've asked for all of your opinions and you've taken the time to help. Thank you again

Oh fgs *might be

Time for a coffee!

These aren't half siblings though they are nothing to do with each other really.