Help! Some of our children have luxury stuff and some don't. How do we make it fair?

[RainbowSetting]

Help!!!!
I feel really lost with this and want to talk to my SO about it but feel really sad as everytime we do it turns into an argument.
Hence being up at 2am and worrying about it.

I need some help working out what the right thing to do is. Feel like I've lost perspective of the whole situation.

At home there is me and SO, and 5 children between us. All spend approx half the week with us and the other with their mum/dad.
Co parenting is working well.
One side of the co parenting parent buys their children the latest iphones, ipads, earpods, xboxs etc..and they enjoy the use of these in both homes.
So far so good.
The other co parenting parent also buys great stuff for their children, but not to this scale. Which is also fine, and obviously we buy them nice stuff too. None of this is ever given outside of birthdays or Xmas by anyone.
The problem is the difference in what the children have is noticeable.
We make sure what is in our control, ie what we buy them is equal and fair. Same amount spent on them all.

Should we make any attempt to make sure what the children have overall is a bit more even?
We could afford it to make it a bit more even, probably not 100%.
But then as soon as we do, should we then spend the same on the other children to male it fair?Which makes things unfair again! It makes my head spin!

Obviously there are birthdays coming up and it's getting very stressful and tense at home.
Has anyone ever had a similar situation?
Or does anyone have any opinions?

I genuinely don't know what the right thing to do is, and it's causing big arguments. Any advice would be appreciated.

Many many thanks for any help or word of advice!

(Where is the praying emoji when you need it)

Also, the children are 9, 12, 12, 18, and 23.
The 23yo has moved out but we still buy presents for him.

By the way, even if your household income doesn’t match his, you should still be able to spend what you wish on your children.
You don’t have joint bank accounts and it’s your money to do with as you wish.

Financials, in all relationships are really key. And they require lots of conversations to align expectations, especially when blending and especially when there are exes and households externally providing different levels of ‘lifestyle’.

Would I allow a partner to dictate what I spent on my kids? No. Not on discrete one off purchases of devices etc. Larger sums of money (cars/ house deposits/ subbing university) I would discuss only if our finances were joint (in some respects).
If however i co-habitted, and was paying 50/50 with them, with no clear ‘joint’ financial strategy then I would continue with my financial planning independently and gift/ spend / invest my money as I wished.

These are massive conversations and (for me) were a huge factor in ending my last LTR. We simply were not on the same page financially.

Sorry @RainbowSetting but you really don’t sound a very compatible partnership . It sounds to me like she resents your children and your involvement with them .

From your update it seems that you partner is keen to even the score when it's her children missing out (i.e. with the holiday with your mum) but it's fine for yours to miss out?

Honestly, I would go ahead and buy what I wanted for my child and weather whatever strop she had. And go on the holiday with your mum OP. I think some time apart would be good.

I'd also think about if I want to be with someone and have my child around someone who only cares about things being equal when it's their children missing out.

I think you need to consider the impact it will have on your children when they cotton onto the fact that their daddy allows his girlfriend to treat them like second class citizens. I hope that your children don’t miss out on getting spoiled for their birthday or having a little holiday with their gran and dad because his girlfriends a spiteful cow.

How often do her children stay with you? Ie when she was upset about not seeing you more, did she have her children with her?

@sassbott

Ok, lots more info now. Bluntly, few questions really.

1. since moving in a year ago are you happier? On the whole? You say your GF struggled, did you? Or were you ok with the set up?
2. are your children happier? Sounds like it was a big change for you and them. Do you and they get any 121 time together?
3. the finances and agreement of 50/50? I see that as perfectly fair (despite the outline you’ve given) as you signed up to it and agreed it. If that wasn’t something you liked the idea of (given she earns more and gets CM, then that should have been discussed prior to moving in)

Re the wider conversation around holidays and money?
Short of money being an issue/ both of you trying to save towards something specific, then bluntly you should be able to spend what you wish on your children. If it is not an affordability issue and/ or the sums involved are reasonable, then why not.

Your comment re wanting to call the travel agent re the holiday though. Is this one upmanship? Now it’s something simple as a device. What about when it is a new car? And if her ex can buy their kids a much nicer car, is that something you will expect to spend on yours? Even if as a household your income level does not match the exh’s? I guess what I’m trying to ask (in a polite way), is whether this is about the kids or a pissing war against her ExH? Does he earn vastly more?
If you do one upmanship is it sustainable?

The comments re Cornwall holiday are a massive red flag for me. Why wouldn’t you want to go on holiday with your own children with their grandparents? It’s a given (and you should go).

Her ex is genuinely a nice bloke, not trying to compete with him. He moved back home to his parents, at 46 ish so has plenty of disposable income. I don't know for a fact but i think he earns about the same as me.

But you're right there is something there, I don't always need to try to level things up so do need to just check myself every now and again and make sure my motives are right and have the right intentions.

1. I was ok with the set-up previously. I'm 50/50 after the move. It's great to have the support of each other in general day to day life. It is hard on your own sometimes. But I was ok, plenty of 1 on 1 time with my children. Moving in together was meant to stop all the unhappiness, her unhappiness of only seeing me for half the week. But its just brought new problems to the surface.
2. Youngest 1 found it hard. She is better now, we have found new routines where we have time one on one time together, have done that with DS too. I still have school runs to do too which I cherish. With their new found sibling, they knew him before, but now they have all bonded better than I could of hoped. It's lovely when i find them all playing together. And that the boys seem as thick as thieves together at school. That is genuinely heart warming to think they will always have each other.
3. Yes happy with the finances, no problem with that at all.

And yes the Cornwall issue is hard to get my head around. I'm lost for words. Obviously I want to go.

Unblend your family, it’s impacting your children, you have no shared children and you should be able to spend what you like on your kids. Tbh I can see this getting worse. I could understand if you had a shared child it would make the situation a lot more difficult but you should just go back to seeing each other (if you can be bothered because frankly this should be an eye opener for you on where the future is heading).

I have been living with my dp for nearly a decade, if he told me how much I could spend on my dc, I would laugh in his face. You spend what you want / can afford on your children.

1. To be honest the set up you had sounded ideal. You get to parent your children (and have quality time with them), then spend the rest of your time focussed on your partner. Retaining financial independence is also quite important in these situations (I think).
2. that’s good and very positive sounding.
3. Excellent

Yes I too am thrown by Cornwall and this sense (as Heckypeck said), it all needs to be ‘equal’ until her children are the ones impacted.

My advice (FWIW) is to sit down and have a very serious conversation about these matters. Minus children, when not tired and with no alcohol involved.
Your children need 121 time with you (and their family). My holidays with my DC are so so precious, that is really important bonding time. They are also of the age (especially the 12 year old) that holidaying with GP’s is not something they may want to do for much longer. Don’t take the next few years for granted. They are off doing things with their friends sooner than you realise. Do not compromise on this for your partners sake. Whether she is controlling is deeply insecure, stand your ground on this. This behaviour won’t miraculously ‘settle.’

Re the presents. I would also have a firm convo re that. As I said, there is absolutely no way I would allow any partner to dictate what I spent on my kids.

And yes, my children are now worse off because I would normally buy them more than what I'm being told I should

This shouldn't happen. As you have separate accounts, you should spend what you like on your own children. Don't let her dictate for you.

I think you should tell her your not happy that this new living arrangement means you're not freely able to spend what you did on your kids. Perhaps start with the positives of living together, then talk about the presents, then end on a positive note.

You need to make it clear, on a nice way that your preference is to do what you did with regards to gifts for your kids, as the intention wasn't that they get less than they used to since the cohabitating.

My mum wants to take her grandchildren on holiday for a week to cornwall, when I told OH about this, she said "And I expect you want to go as well " I don't know how to describe the tone, but it was clear I should not answer yes to that question.

She was very unhappy her DS wasn't invited. And we should book something to even it up. I did point out that her ex is taking their children to Disney World Florida for 3 weeks in the summer

Some double standards there eh.
She sounds a tad controlling I have to say.

Think about this.
What if next year the SC only want something worth £50 and your child needs/wants something more expensive? Will you abide by the "no more than £50 " demand then? How low will you go? What about when one lot of children are too old to receive significant gifts?

Fair is about catering to their needs and some wants if affordable, not spending the exact same amount.

You're basically budgeting according to your SC's wants which is bonkers.

Buy your kids the bloody ipad. It's not like the SC will be looking wistfully at it while playing with a piece of string.

So again, her kids are getting a great holiday from their side of the family. Your kids not invited (because of course not).
Your kids are invited on a less amazing holiday by their side of the family, but they're not allowed to go because her kids arent invited?

You have big problems here.

She very much sees her kids as deserving of everything coming to them with no thought to yours, whilst your kids are only allowed things if hers get the same thing from you/your family too. So her kids get lucky twice. Yours only once, and only it shared with them.

This isnt good.

She sounds pretty awful.

Have some respect for yourself and your kids. If this continues, they will connect the dots, as in they were treated better before, but once dad moved in with his GF, she called the shots.

If you can pay your share of the bills, what you choose to spend on your kids after that is your business .

So is it your kids that get the lesser expensive presents from their real father, and step kids get the expensive presents from their mother

Could you not speak with your ex to see if he will go halfs on a iPad?

Just to not though there are lots of decent androids far cheaper and far better than the iPad

Say you spend 100 on each child. She spends 300 on her three, you only spend 200 on your two. Can’t you justify spending the same amount. Ie 150 on each of yours - to make it fair?

I couldn’t stomach the different standard of living between the kids. It’s not fair. Obviously they can’t be completely equal, but there shouldn’t be such a huge disparity.

Point out her reaction to the holiday your kids are going on. If she can’t see the hypocrisy then you have marriage problems. It’s not as if you are even sharing money. How is it fair if two kids sit on the sofa, one with a top of the range thing, the other the most basic version? No it’s not on.

This sounds more and more dreadful as your posts go on.

Your children have lost their Dad here, he's been replaced by someone who is bending to the will of a "step-mother" they never asked for.

Her kids can go to Disneyland without yours, but yours can't go to Cornwall?! That's fucking insane.

Just out of interest, what does she want you to spend your money on if not your kids? You say you can easily afford iPads/holidays etc so it's not that you're failing to contribute to the household. Does she want your money to be spent on something specific rather than your children?

Put your children first, take back control of your life.

@ HalzTangz

The OP is a man. His new partner is a woman. Her kids get expensive things from their dad. The OP's ex (their mum) cant afford to give the kids such expensive things, so from her they get "normal" things.

The OP can afford to treat his kids, the same way his new partner's ex-husband treats his, but he isnt allowed because the new partner wont let him spend more on his own children than she spends on her kids. Even though her kids have the rich dad spending money on them. He isnt allowed to be the same to his kids.

Also, her kids are allowed to go on fancy holidays with their side of the family, but his kids arent allowed to go on holidays with their side of the family unless her kids are invited too.

Basically, she's a selfish dick.

Tagging fail.

Above was for @HalzTangz

@RainbowSetting

Crikey. Where to begin. First of all thank you all for taking the time to help someone in need.

I'll try to answer some of the questions you've asked.

DD is 9
DS 12
DSS 12
DSD 18
DSS 22 not living at home.
No children together.

We've been together for 6 years. Living together for nearly 1. A sore point in our relationship, which gets brought up lots, is that I maintained that I wanted to make my children my priority. I went from living with them full time when me and their mum were together to only having 6 nights every fortnight (3 nights 1 week, 4 the next). So I wanted to make the most of that time.
Our relationship mostly consisted of me spending half my time with my children, and the other half with my gf. For the best part of 5 years. This was difficult for us all. A huge point of unhappiness for my gf as she wanted to spend more time with me. So last year we bought a house together. We split the bills. We split the bills 50/50. I pay CM. She receives it. She is paid more than me. We don't have any joint bank accounts, I've suggested it quote a few times just for bills and shopping, saving for stuff together.

And yes, my children are now worse off because I would normally buy them more than what I'm being told I should.

Her EH is in a position to be very generous with his children. My Ex is just normal in that sense.

The younger children all get along very well. The 2 boys have just started secondary school together so it's lovely that they have each other.

Someone asked if I'm scared of my partner. No not physically. But her directness and assertiveness does make me think twice about having discussions that might become difficult.

What would happen if I went out and spent what I want on my DD birthday? There would be a huge row. There would be an
awkward atmosphere for a few days. I'd get told off about other stuff that bothers her, but all because she's still annoyed about the original problem.

My mum wants to take her grandchildren on holiday for a week to cornwall, when I told OH about this, she said "And I expect you want to go as well " I don't know how to describe the tone, but it was clear I should not answer yes to that question.

She was very unhappy her DS wasn't invited. And we should book something to even it up. I did point out that her ex is taking their children to Disney World Florida for 3 weeks in the summer (or at least has booked it, travel restrictions permitted).

OP... Do me a favour here. Read back what you've just written... Does any of that read like a healthy life/ relationship? Your children are that, YOUR children. Your GF/SO/P is just that, she is the woman that lives with their Dad. Your children should always be your priority, and any woman would find that to be the norm in blended family situations. When you were living apart, her attitude towards your children showed itself, you only saw your children for short periods, but she complained. Did her kids live with her? And do they live with her/ you now? Relationships usually show their true selves when you live together... That saying "you don't really get to know someone until you live with them" is very true!

It would seem that during lockdown you moved in together, and it looks like your GF/SO/P is making up for lost time! She seems to be making damn sure your kids aren't your priority anymore, she is putting herself before the kids, and you need to re-address that.

What you choose to spend on your kids is your business, it's nothing to do with her! As you say you split bills/ mortgage/ expenses 50/50, and what's left is yours to do with as you wish.
It's a shame you didn't rent somewhere and move in together, you'd have less to extricate yourself from then.
It's very worrying how you almost look to be living a life living on egg shells around her.
You not being able to say how you feel in case you upset her. You dare not broach the subject of your want to do right by your kids, as it'll lead to her creating an atmosphere or bringing everything up in an argument which makes you feel bad.
Is this how you want to live your life? Seriously?
Does she behave this way in front of your kids? Or do you pander to her to keep the peace?
Truthfully if it's like this and it hasn't even been a year, it's going to get worse. She's making you pay for every bit of resentment she felt when you put in her mind behind your kids, she's making it so you have to do everything 'fair'... But it isn't fair is it?
Your kids are very young, and you've got to enjoy them, trust me they soon grow up, and it would be a shame to have any regrets... Don't let her create that.

We have a similar situation in that we have two DC (one each) the same age.

If my or DPs DC had something bought by thier other parent that they could bring with them e.g. an iPad and the other one didn’t but wanted one to do the same things. We would either - not allow it to be brought with them if we couldn’t afford a second. Or we would buy a second or we would buy 2 - one each and leave the other parents one at theirs.

We wouldn’t leave one out though. At the same age they notice if they have different stuff. We would even it out in that respect

So her dc should get treats from her, her ex, her ex's family, you, your family.

Your dc should get treats from you and your family as long as her dc get those treats at the same time and to the same value.

No 1 on 1 time with your family seems to be allowed as this is unfair on her dc.

Her sulking is costing your dc their childhood and they won't thank you for it.

Buy your kids whatever the fuck you want, go on the holiday, put the house up for sale, move out, split up with with her, never look back.

Bollocks to her restricting you and your DC like this.

She sounds awful, I hope there are good points we are not seeing
It seems she likes her kinds swanning around with the latest gear while yours have cheap stuff and she is manipulating what is fair to ensure hers are treated more favourably
On top of that her attitude stops you having a proper discussion and standing up for your kids
I think you should live apart and see how the relationship goes

This must be a tricky situation to be in. I cannot imagine working this out and your comments re the holidays make sure seem like you are jealous of what your step kids get and what yours miss out on which must be difficult.

How do you work through it? I think you need to stop comparing for a start and focus on what happens within your own house and how each set of kids is treated here. If the step kids already have certain items that your kids do not and you would like to give it them and can afford them I would personally want that.

She reminds me of the evil pigs from George Orwell’s animal farm. ‘All children are equal, but some are more equal than others’.