Holiday Advice - what's the right thing to do?

[WalkingDead02]

Just a bit of background info...

My husband has a 12 year old from a previous relationship. He lives over 300 Miles away with his mum, and comes to stay with us for 1 week during each of the school holidays. We also have a 2 year old together.

My parents are offering to pay for a trip away for us all together (my parents, my brother's family and our family) and have asked when we can go. My husband has said that unless everyone can agree on a date that means his son (my step-son) can come too, then we aren't going as it isnt fair that he misses out.

I am torn on what is the 'right thing' to do. I obviously want my step-son there and will do everything I can to ensure this, but the situation is very difficult. I also dont want our 2 year old missing out on a holiday because of this. What is the right thing to do? Argh!

He doesn’t get to say you’re not going anywhere

Your DH sounds like a right nob turning this kind offer into something that's all about his DS12.

No consideration to everyone else.

I would just go on my own with my DS2 and the rest of my family.

I've got no time for silly games and emotional blackmail.

He's being childish, selfish and very ungrateful to your parents

I would say seeing if you can make a holiday somewhere when he is with you because making a 12 year old go on holiday with step mothers family doesnt seem like something he would want to do either.

Does he go away with his Mum?

I can see why he doesn’t want to go without his son. Why don’t you go with your two year old and leave your husband behind?

Btw for the record this is not normal behaviour by your DH making that kind of demand it really isn't

If he can't come, I don't see why the rest of the family misses out.

If your husband wants to stay at home and mope, let him. I'd still be going with my 2-year-old, who also deserves to have a holiday!

If your step son can't go then leave your husband home, he doesn't get to dictate what you do.

I don't think your step son goes, it is is step grandparents paying for the holiday. Not all things are equal in a step set up.

If you husband wants to create over that I'd leave him behind, he can take his son away for a bit of bonding time.

If his family organised a trip would he expect your daughter to go?

You try and accommodate taking the SS but if that doesn't work you go on the holiday anyway and go on holiday with the SS another time. The time is for Dad and child to spend together more than anything else.
Unless there is a fabulous bond between the SS and your family, I can't actually see how a big family holiday with people he doesn't know so well is preferable to a holiday with his Dad and immediate step family.

He doesn’t get to decide that.

I think your DH possibly means "he isn't going." Because telling you and your 2 year old that unless his child is going too, would be controlling, rude and really not fucking on. Is he an opinionated, controlling, footstamping prick in other areas of your relationship?

Thank you everyone. I thought I was the one being unfair.

@Quartz2208 - he goes away on camping/caravan trips regularly with his mum.

DH accuses me of 'only caring about DS2' and forgetting about DSS12, but I try and explain it's a very unique situation and everyone tries their best.

My parents have paid for me, DP and DD to go away with them before and I would find this attitude from DP about DSS being invited incredibly rude and entitled. Fine to have a "we only go if all the kids go" attitude about holidays you organise together yourself, but fostering a relationship with your family is seperate from that, and something that is naturally not always going to centre around your step child. He will have similar things with his other side of the family.

Too many parents are willing to absolutely trample over their partner's relationship with their family to ensure THEIR child is being considered above all else at all times. It's not realistic and it's bullish, unpleasant behaviour. Don't stand for it.

I have a DD and 2 step DC now adults. We effectively run as 2 units, big family and small family!
When the SDC were younger we would always plan holidays, days out etc to accommodate everyone. But we would also do days out and other holidays without them. DSC had some fabulous holidays with their Mum too and everyone was happy with this.
We could do more age appropriate stuff with DD where the older kids would have been bored.
SDC still come on holiday with us occasionally!

Humm... I can see that he is worried his step son is being treated differently. I don't think he is a bad person for doing so.

I also honestly think that your 2 your old DC will not "miss" anything. Kids that age will not remember the interaction with your family, or where they have been.

I do not know the particularities of the sitiation, and why it is not possible to fit DSS, but I understand why he may feel strongly about it. Let's consider for a minute was the other way around it, and he planned a family holiday away without considering DW's stepchild. Would people here would still be saying the same thing?

Then OP you should go ahead.

Treating them both fairly does not mean EQUAL. It means ensuring that their needs are met and they are happy. For your DS2 that is having a lovely holiday with his maternal family. For your DSS I imagine that is not something he wants. So decide on a day out for him when he visits such as a theme park that is suitable for him that your DS can also enjoy.

You arent been unfair your DH is to all of his family (including his son)

In my opinion it’s fine for you to go with your family without DH.

He doesn’t get to tell you where you can and cannot go.

That being said, if the situation is well-balanced as Beamur mentioned, than perhaps insisting his DSS has to be on everything is a bit controlling....

@Lua

Humm... I can see that he is worried his step son is being treated differently. I don't think he is a bad person for doing so.

I also honestly think that your 2 your old DC will not "miss" anything. Kids that age will not remember the interaction with your family, or where they have been.

I do not know the particularities of the sitiation, and why it is not possible to fit DSS, but I understand why he may feel strongly about it. Let's consider for a minute was the other way around it, and he planned a family holiday away without considering DW's stepchild. Would people here would still be saying the same thing?

If he organised a holiday with his parents and didn't take his second biological child, their grandchild? Of course the responses would be different, it's a totally different situation. He cannot expect his other child to be included in everything his wife's family does and yes it CAN make him a bad person to try and force this.

All too often you see posters on here saying if their partner's parents/family don't see and treat their other children exactly as they do their actual grandchildren, they will be cut off. So basically, because they have kids they plan on getting into relationships with unsuspecting new partners, and if their family don't automatically think to put their kid at the centre of their thoughts and lives, they will cut their partners off from them to make a statement. Followed by loads of posters patting them on the back for how great they are. It's not great, it's horrific behaviour. If you cannot handle the fact that your partner's family will have their own thing going on and might not feel close to your kids, and you will need to manage your child's expectations, you should not be seeking out a relationship. All you are going to bring upon that person is isolation and emotional blackmail.

Blended families have to make all sorts of compromises that first-marrieds don't.

When everyone has understood that the realities are totally different from the ideal family set-up, it's easier to accept that sometimes it's better to make separate arrangements so that kids get time with their blood parent and grandparents (and vice versa). It avoids all kinds of resentment.

If your stepson was with you a lot, and lived locally and was truly a regular fixture oh the house then I could understand more that it would be weird to leave him out but it didn't sound like that sort of set up.

If his dad is that bothered then he can take his son (ideally all four of you) on a holiday in addition to the trip your parents are paying for. I don't see why everyone's plans should be scuppered

OP, if your husband feels that he would be uncomfortable going on a family trip without his entire family, what is to stop you and your son from going?

When your husband says " we aren't going ", he can only speak for himself and his12 year old,. You are an adult; you do not require his permission to do or go anywhere. You are also free to decide to take your child.

Husband and wives are not joined at the hip, and just as families can take trips that all of the kids might not be available to take, so too can husband and wives take trips that one or other of them is unavailable or chooses not to take.

It is a generous offer of your parents to make. You can accept their offer on behalf of you and your son. You can simply say that" baby a I will be coming; husband prefers to wait and use his vacation leave during the time that step son is here No explanation is required beyond that. If your goal is to not deny your child an experience or to simply enjoy a free and pleasant vacation, your husband's personal perspective should not be a deterrent for you and your son.

Spouses do not always have to share the same pov, but neither should feel ( as your husband seems to feel) that their pov is controlling except as relates to them.

It is not necessary for this situation to create friction in your household. Let your husband make the decision that works for him, and you make the decision that works best for you. This need only become a contentious situation if the 2 of you make it so. If you both accept that this is just 1 of many situations in the life of a marriage in which one or the other of you is or will be unavailable to take part in an activity, your life can move forward without unnecessary drama.

Go on your trip and enjoy yourself.

Take your son and enjoy your holiday. If your DH feels uncomfortable going on holiday without his older son, he can stay at home.
It’s incredibly entitled of him to expect his child to be included. It’s very controlling of him to assert that you all will not be going unless his older son can go. It’s dickhead level behaviour of him to use this to make you feel guilty for wanting to go.

Personally (having been on the receiving end of passive aggressive comments like this) I think a lot of these comments stem from jealousy/ insecurity. A healthy/ secure person would understand in a heartbeat why the option of an all expenses paid for trip with the wider family (especially after the year we’ve all had) would be something anyone would absolutely want to enjoy and participate in.

It’s actually really mean of him to try and ruin what should be something very exciting (for you) and make it into an issue. Is this behaviour common in your relationship. It’s really not very kind and it’s very very selfish

Tbh, I would imagine that all the noise and bullshit coming from your partner is because he feels guilty that he sees his son very irregularly indeed. One week in each of the school holidays (3 weeks a year, or maybe 6 if he has the half terms too) is not a lot.

Of course you don't give much thought to his child that visits occasionally, and concentrate on looking after your child who is there all the time. His son is not there 46-49 weeks of the year. At all. He's projecting his guilt about that on to you.

Same with the holiday nonsense. Just go. If he wants to sulk about it, he can stay at home on his own. He doesn't get to make ridiculous demands of you and your entire family.

I think that you and your son should go on holiday without any guilt.

I understand why your h wouldn't want to go without dss but I don't think that your son should lose out on going. Would he forbid his ex's parents taking dss away because his other son isn't invited?