Holiday Advice - what's the right thing to do?

[WalkingDead02]

Just a bit of background info...

My husband has a 12 year old from a previous relationship. He lives over 300 Miles away with his mum, and comes to stay with us for 1 week during each of the school holidays. We also have a 2 year old together.

My parents are offering to pay for a trip away for us all together (my parents, my brother's family and our family) and have asked when we can go. My husband has said that unless everyone can agree on a date that means his son (my step-son) can come too, then we aren't going as it isnt fair that he misses out.

I am torn on what is the 'right thing' to do. I obviously want my step-son there and will do everything I can to ensure this, but the situation is very difficult. I also dont want our 2 year old missing out on a holiday because of this. What is the right thing to do? Argh!

How do your parents feel about having to stump up for a child that isn't yours and you see only sporadically? It'd be nice if you could all go, if that's what you want, but it seems like your husband feels guilty about not having much family time with his son and you and your DC are getting punished for this.

@Twinkie01
The OP are her son are only being denied the trip if the OP chooses not to go. Her husband had no ability to prevent the OP and her son from going in the trip.

His nonsensical statement about" none of us going " is a statement that he has no ability to effect. The OP is his wife, but she is neither his indentured servant nor his department child. She does not require his approval or consent to go any where; thus he has no control over this situation except as relates to him and his 12_year old.

He does not need to justify his feelings ; valid or questionable they are his feelings. His feelings however are not what controls the OP's actions. She may give consideration to hos feelings but ultimately she decides her own course of action.

Many husbands and wives take trips where 1 or the other of them is not present for a whole host of reasons. This trip should simply fall into that category.

I would have some concern if my husband thought that he had the right to make some unilateral decision about my ability to go anywhere. I certainly do not think that I have that right as relates to him.

"Dependent child"

[quote Tiredoftattler]@Twinkie01
The OP are her son are only being denied the trip if the OP chooses not to go. Her husband had no ability to prevent the OP and her son from going in the trip.

His nonsensical statement about" none of us going " is a statement that he has no ability to effect. The OP is his wife, but she is neither his indentured servant nor his department child. She does not require his approval or consent to go any where; thus he has no control over this situation except as relates to him and his 12_year old.

He does not need to justify his feelings ; valid or questionable they are his feelings. His feelings however are not what controls the OP's actions. She may give consideration to hos feelings but ultimately she decides her own course of action.

Many husbands and wives take trips where 1 or the other of them is not present for a whole host of reasons. This trip should simply fall into that category.

I would have some concern if my husband thought that he had the right to make some unilateral decision about my ability to go anywhere. I certainly do not think that I have that right as relates to him.[/quote]
I completely understand that. Of course she wouldn't have to forego the trip even if her husband decided he didn't want to join them.

I was just asking about the fa t that her husband was effectively inviting someone else when he wasn't financing the trip.

If he doesn't want to go that's his choice but you and your child should go if you want.

I would take my two year old and go anyway.

Is it a timing issue, space issue or cost issue preventing the SC from going? How I felt about it would depend on the reasons.

For example if everyone else could go X week but DSS couldn't make it then that's a shame but not a problem, if your parents just said nah he's not family he's not coming then I would see your husbands point.

@Twinkie01
I agree with you about his being a bit presumptive , and I would fully expect that he would have paid for his son should the son have been available to make the trip. It would have been beyond rude for him not to have expected to pay for his son. The ILs may have declined his offer , but he should not assume that they would or should pay for his son.

@MindTheBumps doesn't matter if that's her husband's point.

There is nothing stopping him staying at home to be with and look after his eldest son, while the OP goes on holiday with the toddler. They are the toddler's grandparents not the eldest son's.

If the OP and her husband split up tomorrow neither the grandparents or the OP'd SS would see each other as there is no biological relationship between them and the eldest boy is not around regularly at the OP's throughout the year to have built any other relationship.

Added to that it is normal in my family and social circle when kids hit secondary age for them not to always go on holiday with younger siblings for a variety of reasons.

@Quartz2208

I would say seeing if you can make a holiday somewhere when he is with you because making a 12 year old go on holiday with step mothers family doesnt seem like something he would want to do either.

Does he go away with his Mum?

I agree with this, people forget that it probably isn't the SC's first choice to come away with their stepmum's family!

My SC wouldn't want to come away with my family particularly, and it wouldn't be my DP's choice for how to spend his limited time with them either.

I think your DH is being unfair OP.

@MindTheBumps

I would take my two year old and go anyway.

Is it a timing issue, space issue or cost issue preventing the SC from going? How I felt about it would depend on the reasons.

For example if everyone else could go X week but DSS couldn't make it then that's a shame but not a problem, if your parents just said nah he's not family he's not coming then I would see your husbands point.

It probably didn't occur to them to offer to pay for him to go on holiday since they barely know him and he's very rarely with OPs husband anyway.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@Twinkie01
The OP are her son are only being denied the trip if the OP chooses not to go. Her husband had no ability to prevent the OP and her son from going in the trip.

His nonsensical statement about" none of us going " is a statement that he has no ability to effect. The OP is his wife, but she is neither his indentured servant nor his department child. She does not require his approval or consent to go any where; thus he has no control over this situation except as relates to him and his 12_year old.

He does not need to justify his feelings ; valid or questionable they are his feelings. His feelings however are not what controls the OP's actions. She may give consideration to hos feelings but ultimately she decides her own course of action.

Many husbands and wives take trips where 1 or the other of them is not present for a whole host of reasons. This trip should simply fall into that category.

I would have some concern if my husband thought that he had the right to make some unilateral decision about my ability to go anywhere. I certainly do not think that I have that right as relates to him.[/quote]
I think it's more than this though, and I often feel this for posts on this topic. I don't think it's fair that OP (and her toddler) should be forced to either not go or always go away with her family without her husband & father of her child purely because he objects to any trips that don't include his older child, even when it's with OP's family who are nothing to do with SS. Factoring in the distance, chances are SS barely knows OP's family.

As others have said, it would be different if he and OP were planning this trip. Or if her SS lived with them full-time. But to turn down a trip with OP's family or make her feel bad about it when chances are SS wouldn't even be around AND would likely prefer his week with his dad to be spent just with his dad, SM and younger sibling is totally out of line.

For example if everyone else could go X week but DSS couldn't make it then that's a shame but not a problem, if your parents just said nah he's not family he's not coming then I would see your husbands point.

I doubt anyone would ever think that, I know my family wouldn't. But the reality is that my parents have met my SCs briefly probably three times in total in the 6 years I've been with DP, and my sister has never met them at all. SCs live far from us and DP only has them EOW plus some time in the holidays, so understandably he organises to spend time with his own family - their grandparents, cousins, aunties and uncles - rather than with mine.

So my family would never even consider that DP or I would expect his children to be invited on holiday with them. It's not always malicious.

We’re going on a holiday with my family this year that DSD isn’t coming on; we’d never do a holiday with me, DH and our DC without her but she wouldn’t be fussed about coming on holiday with my family; she’d most likely be bored and she doesn’t know them well enough to want to share a holiday home with them for a week.

My husband has said that unless everyone can agree on a date that means his son (my step-son) can come too, then we aren't going as it isnt fair that he misses out.

He sounds likeva dictator. Your son going means school holidays and that's more expensive....your DH isn't the one paying, so he's quite cheeky I'd say.

Why does he think he can tell you that you can't go? He can decide he's not going, but he can't tell you...unless you have the kind of marriage where he rules and you obey.

Go with your toddler and leave your husband at home.

I can see that he is worried his step son is being treated differently.

His son isn't a grandchild to the OPs parents though and he's only there during school holidays, so he wouldn't even know about the holiday.

A two year old wouldn’t know they were missing out on anything given their age.

I agree with his stance of taking both of his children or none. You going alone is different.

I think it's more than this though, and I often feel this for posts on this topic. I don't think it's fair that OP (and her toddler) should be forced to either not go or always go away with her family without her husband & father of her child purely because he objects to any trips that don't include his older child, even when it's with OP's family who are nothing to do with SS.

The thing is, if he's reluctant to go, then the only option is for him to stay home. I get a sense of entitlement from what he said.

They can do holidays together, just the 4 of them.

Has it actually happened that a date has been agreed upon the DSS can’t make? If not then surely this is all hypothetical at this point and panicking for nothing. Hopefully the timing all works out for you so DSS can go too. I get it’s tricky trying to organise holiday dates for a big family with different members and commitments. You might be better starting now to plan a holiday for 2022!

Is he expecting your parents to pay for his DS? Very rude if he is.

DSS is no relation to the people paying for the holiday or the other family. Why on earth should he be included?

I'm baffles at the level of entitlement from some "first families" on here.

I agree with his stance of taking both of his children or none. You going alone is different.

So you think the OP doesn't have the right to take her child away with her parents?

Plus I think it's a cheeky and entitled attitude to demand her parents take/pay for his child.

Going in school holidays increases the cost for everyone

@WalkingDead02

Thank you everyone. I thought I was the one being unfair.

@Quartz2208 - he goes away on camping/caravan trips regularly with his mum.

DH accuses me of 'only caring about DS2' and forgetting about DSS12, but I try and explain it's a very unique situation and everyone tries their best.

It is a unique situation OP. Whether he likes it or not you can't put yours or your child's life on hold because his son lives too far away to be with you regularly. That's not your child fault.

He also shouldn't demand you not go anywhere. Go without him if he really doesn't want to go without his DS.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

A two year old wouldn’t know they were missing out on anything given their age.

I agree with his stance of taking both of his children or none. You going alone is different.

He's not taking them anywhere. OPs parents are.

I don't think my stepchildren would want to go away with my family. They see them for family gatherings but a holiday is a bit much with people they don't know that well.

I think it's more than this though, and I often feel this for posts on this topic. I don't think it's fair that OP (and her toddler) should be forced to either not go or always go away with her family without her husband & father of her child purely because he objects to any trips that don't include his older child, even when it's with OP's family who are nothing to do with SS. Factoring in the distance, chances are SS barely knows OP's family.

I agree tbh and think the same whenever people say the DH in these situations should just not go out of principle. I mean, it's obviously better than saying OP and DS can't go, but at the same time my DP is part of my family, he has a relationship with them and I naturally expect a little effort there, as he expects a comparatively large amount of effort from me towards his family due to DSS. I wouldn't think much of him refusing to go to anything without his son, especially given the circumstances of why he isn't involved and that there's no reason for his son to even know it was happening.

My husband has said that unless everyone can agree on a date that means his son (my step-son) can come too, then we aren't going as it isnt fair that he misses out.

Just reading this again, a statement like this speaks volumes about the power your DH has or perceives he has in your marriage, because my husband would know he couldn't say that to me.

I don't need his permission to go away with my child.

Is the holiday going to mean your SDS misses seeing his dad one holiday?

If that's the case I can understand your DH being upset, otherwise he's being a bit of a twonk.