Holiday Advice - what's the right thing to do?

[WalkingDead02]

Just a bit of background info...

My husband has a 12 year old from a previous relationship. He lives over 300 Miles away with his mum, and comes to stay with us for 1 week during each of the school holidays. We also have a 2 year old together.

My parents are offering to pay for a trip away for us all together (my parents, my brother's family and our family) and have asked when we can go. My husband has said that unless everyone can agree on a date that means his son (my step-son) can come too, then we aren't going as it isnt fair that he misses out.

I am torn on what is the 'right thing' to do. I obviously want my step-son there and will do everything I can to ensure this, but the situation is very difficult. I also dont want our 2 year old missing out on a holiday because of this. What is the right thing to do? Argh!

What if the OP's husband were to say " it was nice of your parents to offer but I just do not enjoy spending time with them. You and son go along with them and have a nice time.?

Would so many people be calling him a "knob" or " dick"? The net effect would be the same;for whatever the reason the husband would not be going on the trip.

I would think it's unnecessary and hurtful of him to say he doesn’t enjoy spending time with her family, without a valid reason. There's a more diplomatic way of phrasing it.

@ALevelhelp

Or maybe he wants to have a holiday with both of his children bibidy and doesn't want to feel like he has to choose?

Then he can pay for one for his family of four during the school holiday, not try to dictate the terms on a free holiday from his PILS.

@ALevelhelp
I agree with you that sometimes there seems to be a mindset among some posters that there is some kind of universal SM thinking and that your thinking is faulty if it does not follow " the party line. "

Personally, I think that growth and good solutions are most likely arrived at through vigorous and diverse conversations.

I don't think that much in the way of growth happens when you only hear sympathy and an echo of your own thoughts.

[quote SandyY2K]**@ALevelhelp

Or maybe he wants to have a holiday with both of his children bibidy and doesn't want to feel like he has to choose?

Then he can pay for one for his family of four during the school holiday, not try to dictate the terms on a free holiday from his PILS.[/quote]
Assuming the second holiday is possible then yes, although I think if not it's not totally unreasonable for him to ask for his DS to be included and he'll foot the bill or alternatively the family go just the 4 of them

[quote Tiredoftattler]@ALevelhelp
I agree with you that sometimes there seems to be a mindset among some posters that there is some kind of universal SM thinking and that your thinking is faulty if it does not follow " the party line. "

Personally, I think that growth and good solutions are most likely arrived at through vigorous and diverse conversations.

I don't think that much in the way of growth happens when you only hear sympathy and an echo of your own thoughts.[/quote]
Loooool if there's one thing I can say for sure about this forum it's that stepmums don't come here and 'hear sympathy and an echo of [their] own thoughts'.

We spend most of the time here being called totally unreasonable, selfish, nasty and accused of not caring about our stepchildren - which is very much not the case for most of us - purely for wanting our partners to meet at least some level of what other people can reasonably expect in their relationships/families.

Also most people who post threads here are looking for help and solutions and advice on specific situations, and lots of the time it's not them who's actually at the centre of the problem at all, so I think your comment about 'growth' is quite patronising.

I never understand why people always swoop in with accusations of step parents apparently not allowing others to disagree with them. ALevel replied to one of MY comments, I replied, we had a back and forth in which we BOTH disagreed with each other, and then suddenly it's "oh SP don't let people say anything else"? Whose stopping you? You were the one who started the exchange. Nobodies stopping anyone else from having their opinion 🤷‍♀️

@aSofaNearYou

Unless we hear the reasonings behind OP's partners annoyance with it, we'll just keep going round in circles guessing who's right and who's wrong.

You're really the only one going around in circles. Everybody else seems to agree that there's no reason to believe this has anything to do with disrupting contact.

I fully agree.

We have the information needed here. This isn't a murder mystery with missing facts. It's been clearly laid out.

There are times additional information is required, but this isn't one of them IMO.

• A free holiday was offered
• OPs DH who sees his child 5 weeks a year/school holidays, says if it's not during a time his son can go, none of them can go.

This is what I find most entitled and controlling. Only a man who has previously exerted and enforced his view on his wife, would even dare to say it.

Or maybe a desperate dad would say it, who fucking knows. I give up, whilst if it was as absolutely clear cut as that, there's no basis for his saying that, his son shines out of his arse , then he's a dick of the highest order, but claiming that he has to have behaved in that way before, based on some very basic info

@ALevelhelp

Or maybe a desperate dad would say it, who fucking knows.

I would say I'm quite objective in my views and look at both sides. Many here will support a SP come hell or highwater, but that's not me at all.

There have been previous holiday threads where I didn't agree with the SP... but this one is clear as day, to the point that I agree with Asofa which is extremely rare if ever.

but claiming that he has to have behaved in that way before, based on some very basic info

I said that because, unless he knew that saying none of us can go could actually happen in reality, it would be rather pointless... or perhaps an empty threat.

People in relationships normally say what they can, because of the nature of the relationship and the balance of power. Like I said, my DH could never say that to me, because he knows he has no control over me in that way.

When someone says "DH agreed to have DSS next week without asking and it's me who will be looking after him" ....that's because he knows she will do it, as that has been acceptable in the past.

Sometimes, you don't need to see or hear chapter and verse to understand, a certain element of the relationship.

I remember being on holiday a couple of years ago and seeing another family. The tone in which he spoke to her in public, gave a clear indication of what he was like at home. Even my youngest who was 15 at the time said you can tell he's controlling.

[quote SandyY2K]**@aSofaNearYou

Unless we hear the reasonings behind OP's partners annoyance with it, we'll just keep going round in circles guessing who's right and who's wrong.

You're really the only one going around in circles. Everybody else seems to agree that there's no reason to believe this has anything to do with disrupting contact.

I fully agree.

We have the information needed here. This isn't a murder mystery with missing facts. It's been clearly laid out.

There are times additional information is required, but this isn't one of them IMO.

• A free holiday was offered
• OPs DH who sees his child 5 weeks a year/school holidays, says if it's not during a time his son can go, none of them can go.

This is what I find most entitled and controlling. Only a man who has previously exerted and enforced his view on his wife, would even dare to say it.[/quote]
Exactly. No man who hadn't already become accustomed to feeling that he was in charge of everyone would say this.

I don't know why you are so desperate to give him the benefit of the doubt @ALevelhelp. The evidence very clearly suggests that he's a pretty crap father. Seeing your child for only 5 weeks of the year is crap. There's no other way to interpret this. Let's just call a spade a spade here.

Many NRPs live a long way from their children. The good parents still find ways to see them. It is perfectly possible to arrange holiday clubs so that you can spend more of the school holidays with them. People can and do travel long distances just to see their kids for the weekend. He doesn't do this. He sees him one week in each of the school holidays.

If the ex in this situation posted and said that her son's father only spent 5 weeks a year with his 12 year old, no one would try to defend her ex.

What we have here is a man who is objectively doing absolutely minimal parenting putting his foot down and trying to use the existence of this other child he rarely sees to control what his wife and younger child can do. That's not guesswork. It's what the OP has actually told us about the situation.

There have been previous holiday threads where I didn't agree with the SP... but this one is clear as day, to the point that I agree with Asofa which is extremely rare if ever

Haha likewise, though in fairness I actually agree with your posts fairly often, just might not say anything at those times! We all tend to post more when we disagree, I'm sure.

What is the issue, is it because the dates being fired around in term time? If so I get it, and given the choice I'd take cheaper option if it were me paying for everyone. So basically if DH and ex is happy to take child out for a week and pay fine if applicable then fine.

He doesn't get to dictate to you though!!

Like my chef husband used to say, cook for the majority not the minority.

@whosappleman

If your stepson was with you a lot, and lived locally and was truly a regular fixture oh the house then I could understand more that it would be weird to leave him out but it didn't sound like that sort of set up.

If his dad is that bothered then he can take his son (ideally all four of you) on a holiday in addition to the trip your parents are paying for. I don't see why everyone's plans should be scuppered

I agree with this.

And then I’d say I was going anyway. I can see guilty dad syndrome here. Good luck! X

Why would your parents want to pay for and take an unrelated child that they probably never see, an you see once a blue moon, on holiday with them?

And your DP is being a controlling dick who does NOT get to decide what you and your parents do on their holidays. Leave him and take your 2 year old on holiday.