My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

Goady posts can also be interpreted as trolling posts - since they are designed to provoke a row/ disruption.

I obviously can't comment on the latter but this sure is goady.

@Chailatteplease

In my family, that’s how the title step parent is given. Not by marriage, but commitment and yes, it’s considered an honour.

Sorry that’s so difficult for so many of you to understand

It’s not difficult to understand that that’s how you apply the title. But it’s not accurate in terms of its actual meaning.

People don't call your selfish, horrid and wicked because you love your child differently / more than your partner. It's not a thing. Not that I've seen anyway. It definitely is a 'thing' on the subject of SParenting though which is why I think it's okay to discuss it and say it.

There have been threads like it to be fair. There was a brilliant thread where there was an argument about people who said they loved their dogs more or as much as their partner and children. It got quite heated, lots of judgemental people.

I don’t think your average person would call you horrid or wicked for anything you have said. I like to think I’m pretty fair about things, parenting is hard sometimes and even though I might do things differently to you, as a pretty ‘normal’ person, there’s no way I could say that anything you have said is wicked, selfish or horrid. I think if I was a step parent though I wouldn’t talk about prioritising my own children though, I’d just get on with it, trusting my own judgment and not listening to others opinions. But then I’m good at ignoring people. 😂

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Goady posts can also be interpreted as trolling posts - since they are designed to provoke a row/ disruption.

I obviously can't comment on the latter but this sure is goady.

Why is it goady though? What is goady about saying you prioritise your own DC? The mere fact that it's considered goady is why it's so ridiculous.

If at all possible I'd suggest that the best thing you could do would be to open your mind and your heart to all the children and be in it for the long haul. They are going to be around forever assuming all is good with the marriage so maybe try and get to know them better and try to make their time with you fun even if you can't afford big days out as a family etc. One day in the future they might have children and that would make you a step grandparent. Really , by being as good a step parent as you can be you are setting the stage for a lifetime of good family relationships, with your DH and with their children if you become a step grandparent.

Something else to consider is that you don't want to end up in a situation where your own DC is not as close to the step children as the step children are to each other. The way that you behave will surely influence those relationships as well as your relationship with DH.

Not saying you are awful if you don't do these things and appreciate it's not always easy for things to be harmonious where step children are concerned. I just think you could potentially have a happier family life if you fully embrace them and take a real interest in them.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Goady posts can also be interpreted as trolling posts - since they are designed to provoke a row/ disruption.

I obviously can't comment on the latter but this sure is goady.

Your posts you mean? Agreed.

I'm happy to be called their dad's wife if that's easier for my SC but they call me stepmum. I don't do much mumming it's just what I am technically.

Your husband wants to put HIS own kids first.

Perhaps I’m reading the OP wrong, but it seems this is a financial issue. OP can afford to pay for these things for her children, DH can’t. If he wants to put his own kids first, he has to financially support that. It seems what he wants is for the OP to pay to put his kids first. That’s not acceptable.

I wouldn’t want step kids to always be missing out, but if they are having holidays etc with their mum, I can’t see why they should automatically be included in holidays with dad too. That said, it might be nice for them to be able to join dad and family for holidays once in a while.

People are constantly telling step parents where they should fall in a hierarchy
It's worse than that. The number of posters who try to tell step parent s where their children should fall in the hierarchy is shocking.
"They were born first so they should always come first"
"His existing children should come first" (as is the posters 5 year old is a figment of their fevered imagination )
My personal highlight on these boards - "your toddler?! Don't you mean DSDs brother? Poor child, pushing her out like that" As if the parent/child relationship between me and DS should be on the back seat and the Most Important Child's relationship front and centre. Even to me when I'm referring to my own son!
Is it any wonder SMs sometimes come out swinging?
My child exists, and has existed since conception. The fact that he began his existence some years after DSD doesn't mean that his existence is less important to their shared father.
The fact that he is my only living child means he is the most important child in the world to me.
It should not need saying. But it does.

I didn’t want to be a stepmother, so I didn’t date men who had children.

OTOH this thread has made me even more grateful for my children having 2 step parents who love them, treat them well and you know, do basic stuff like think of them and what they’d like every now and then 🤷🏼‍♀️

There was a thread dedicated to cards made out of things people had said to them as step parents. It was an eye opener.

@Chailatteplease

I didn’t want to be a stepmother, so I didn’t date men who had children.

OTOH this thread has made me even more grateful for my children having 2 step parents who love them, treat them well and you know, do basic stuff like think of them and what they’d like every now and then 🤷🏼‍♀️

Would you like a gold star?

@Getyourarseofffthequattro nope, happy with my morals thanks 😊

@Chailatteplease

I didn’t want to be a stepmother, so I didn’t date men who had children.

OTOH this thread has made me even more grateful for my children having 2 step parents who love them, treat them well and you know, do basic stuff like think of them and what they’d like every now and then 🤷🏼‍♀️

Blah blah, ignoring everything I just said so you can get your digs in about being grateful your kids don't have a step mother.

basic stuff like think of them and what they’d like every now and then

I just said I did that. But it's okay, don't let it get in the way of your narrative.

Why is it goady though? What is goady about saying you prioritise your own DC? The mere fact that it's considered goady is why it's so ridiculous.

I think it’s just one of those things that just doesn’t need saying. You can be happy and kind to all the children without spelling this out.

[quote Chailatteplease]@Getyourarseofffthequattro nope, happy with my morals thanks 😊[/quote]
Not dating men with kids is nothing to do with morals

Have a step mother like me*

@Chailatteplease

I didn’t want to be a stepmother, so I didn’t date men who had children.

OTOH this thread has made me even more grateful for my children having 2 step parents who love them, treat them well and you know, do basic stuff like think of them and what they’d like every now and then 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well OP has clearly said she does do all those things "every now and then", it just isn't on her mind all the time, as is perfectly normal when it comes to other people's kids.

No you didn’t, read back your first posts. As I’ve already pointed out, you changed your tune once you were called out on your attitude towards your husband’s children.

And I said I’m grateful my children DO have a stepmother, a nice one who treats them well.

Maybe you should read through your own and others posts a couple of times before responding.

@Getyourarseofffthequattron it’s exactly to do with morals. I couldn’t be bothered with parenting other people’s kids, but recognise they need to be loved, treated well and fairly, so I didn’t do it.

Don’t tell me what my decision making process was. That’s very arrogant.

@Chailatteplease

No you didn’t, read back your first posts. As I’ve already pointed out, you changed your tune once you were called out on your attitude towards your husband’s children.

And I said I’m grateful my children DO have a stepmother, a nice one who treats them well.

Maybe you should read through your own and others posts a couple of times before responding.

She didn't change her tune at all, she elaborated.

Don’t tell me what my decision making process was. That’s very arrogant.

Kind of like what you're doing to OP, you mean?

It depends on what you and your partner want and define as your family unit. Most conflict in any relationship comes from un met expectations.

For us that means we have three children in our family unit. One each and one together.

I do consider my SS when out shopping or now his child my step grandchild for example. As does DH.

He is much better at it than me and manages pretty much all their birthdays and Christmas. He has a note in his phone that he writes down things throughout the year all of them mention. Be it things they want to do or presents they might like.

We have such large ages gaps there is natural differences in their day to day life. But our older children had what dd has. Access to activities, days out holidays etc.

We do things altogether and seperately. Due to the age difference our youngest does days out etc that the older ones won't always want to do. We do things with the older ones that aren't appropriate for the younger one.

Our inheritance is split equally because with out each other we wouldn't have the amount of income and assets we do. Each of our children has benefited from us being married and combining our income and assets.

For big life and family decisions over the years DH and I sit down and discuss the impact it might have on each of them.

They don't all get the same but they all get what they need from us like in most families.

For example help with driving lessons and cars will be equal. One of ours is going to college so is getting help with that. One didn't and went straight to work.

Buying a house for example we will give them all financial contributions.

We don't do conflict over them generally and do don't do competition as in your child versus mine. It's easy to fall into and when we felt our selves going that way in the early years we stopped. We can't control what happens outside our home only what we bring to each of their lifes.

If I'm being truly honest reading the SP board I feel there are many poster that have at minimum a low level unhappiness with their life and resentment for being in a relationship that involves step children. It's a situation that is tolerated.

That's isnt something dh and I wanted for any of them. Both of us had other relationships with partners that didn't have their own children and it was much more difficult. We both felt much more of a them and us with our partner and child.

We don't have that in our marriage now.

[quote Chailatteplease]@Getyourarseofffthequattron it’s exactly to do with morals. I couldn’t be bothered with parenting other people’s kids, but recognise they need to be loved, treated well and fairly, so I didn’t do it.

Don’t tell me what my decision making process was. That’s very arrogant.[/quote]
Well op is doing those things what's arrogant is you telling op how she's behaving and how awful she is based on fuck all but your own prejudice.

Why are you even on this thread? To stick the boot in? Make yourself feel better?

@aSofaNearYou It’s in black and white. I just can’t be bothered to go back and copy and paste.