My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

I think that's a good summary of many problems with the whole 'won't anyone think of the children' thing on here @Magda72.

On 'blending' families. I think it's a dreadful term. The only accurate thing about it is that it might describe what actually happens if you try to produce this perfect family where everyone is entirely equal. Everyone gets chewed up and you get mush instead.

I always think of my school days modern studies classes on theories of multiculturalism and the whole salad bowl/melting pot metaphor thing. Stepfamilies are necessarily like that salad bowl - lots of separate, different elements (several of which have been marinaded in completely different environments) with a bit of dressing trying to hold it all together.

And sometimes it really will never work because some idiot decided that they'd use chocolate sauce to try to dress their savoury salad.

And sometimes it really will never work because some idiot decided that they'd use chocolate sauce to try to dress their savoury salad
That made me laugh
And it's a valid point. This board is full of people who will sneer at anyone doing things differently than they would.
Chocolate sauce is great if your having an ice cream, bit of a disaster on a salad.
So when some fool comes along to say if you don't love step children like your own then you are bad bad bad and your DH should've never married you,. The are completely ignoring the fact that your cast of characters might not make ice cream. You guys are having a salad. So you are a nice balsamic dressing, not chocolate sauce (fun auntie instead of full on Step Mother). And the only person who is wrong is the person who says chocolate sauce must go on everything regardless just because they say so.
I love a metaphor

@aSofaNearYou

Agree. Also tbh I only consider the term 'blended family' to refer to situations where both parties bring their own children with them, not where someone has just remarried a single person, or remarried and had further children with that person.

I agree as well, and I also think it's unfortunate that set ups where both parties have their own kids and set ups where only one does and they are dating a childless person, always get lumped together as if they are the same thing. In reality I think they are pretty different and incomparable in a lot of ways, especially when it comes to the situation being fair and balanced for the adults involved.

Yes I definitely agree.

I actually think when only one person has children the situation can be far harder for the childless person than for the children, as (when the SP is a normal, decent person) the children still get loads of time with their parent and often get the sole focus of their parent AND SP when they are around. I feel like most kids tend to get on well with their step-parent in this scenario, even when further children are born. It is the SP that struggles sometimes.

Whereas I think situations where both parties bring kids of their own can be far harder for children to adapt to, especially if they are that little bit older and may not necessarily get along with the other children concerned. Or feel jealous that other unrelated children get to live FT with their parent when they don't.

😂 @Youseethethingis.

@KaleSlayer

Sorry if using ‘blended’ has offended anyone. I thought that was an ok term, it’s what people I know use in real life use for a variety of situations. Happy to be corrected.

I don't think it's offensive it's just inaccurate and creates unrealistic expectations.

As aside the term blending doesn’t bother me. I didn’t have children when I became a step parent (my DC are DH’s too) but used the term myself just as people understand.

Oh yes, I'm not offended, and know what is meant by it. I just think we need a different word for it when a family is blended more like a salad than a smoothie!

P.s I'm hungry now.

@funinthesun19 I think you realise I mean with equal regard, not a specific situation where age differences mean different things are enjoyable/ suitable.

[quote FindingMeno]@funinthesun19 I think you realise I mean with equal regard, not a specific situation where age differences mean different things are enjoyable/ suitable.[/quote]
If you honestly expect step parents to think about their SC exactly as much and the same as their own children then you are still being absolutely ridiculous.

Treat them with the same basic demeanour when they're around, yes but getting back to the basics of this thread, expecting anyone to regard other children like their own is just stupid.

[quote FindingMeno]@funinthesun19 I think you realise I mean with equal regard, not a specific situation where age differences mean different things are enjoyable/ suitable.[/quote]
Yet, the most common thing a SM is told on here is that of course her husband prioritizes his children from a previous relationship. That is only right and proper. They must always come first.

Here we have an OP who wants to do the same for her children. But apparently she needs to have equal regard for her SC.

@aSofaNearYou I really don't understand why it is absolutely ridiculous, and stupid.

[quote FindingMeno]@aSofaNearYou I really don't understand why it is absolutely ridiculous, and stupid.[/quote]
To love and think about a child who isn't yours, who you see half or less of the time, and who you aren't acting as a substitute parent to, exactly the same as your own children? For anyone that has ever felt actual parental love, and given it even a second thought, yes it is very bloody stupid.

Indeed, on MN what we often see is that stepfamilies are salads with particular star ingredients. They've been carefully marinaded and prepared. The rest of the salad is just there to show them off.

And then someone has decided to pour chocolate sauce over it all anyway (rolling out the red carpet EOW) which does not anyone to help appreciate any part of the salad. Not even the super special elements.

I really do feel that it would be an insult to my son's and DSDs mother if I was to declare I love her and think of her as another child of mine.
Why must unnatural falsehoods be squirted all over my salad?
That's not to say that if we were having ice cream (DSDs mum had died, she lives with us, I actually patented her, maybe even adopted her) that the chocolate sauce wouldn't be very welcome and natural to add.
But we are having salad so... No.

To elaborate on that as people seem to need it spelling out; I think about my DD all the time. She is my pride and joy. I spend a lot of my time thinking about the things she does, her development, I revel in funny/sweet moments, replay videos and photos I've captured. She warms my heart, every little thing she does is magical in my eyes. I don't do or feel any of those things about my DSS. That doesn't mean I talk to him differently when he's around, or that he wouldn't pop into my head when booking Peppa Pig world, or that my DP doesn't put thought into getting him birthday Christmas presents from us. The fact that I don't think about him like my DD is not something that ever has any practical effect on his life.

Meanwhile, it would be really, really stupid to genuinely expect that of me. I challenge anyone that has kids and doesn't have step kids to actually think about how they feel about their kids, and imagine trying to apply that level of genuine feeling to somebody else. It's ridiculous.

@funinthesun19 I think you realise I mean with equal regard, not a specific situation where age differences mean different things are enjoyable/ suitable.

Isn’t that the father’s job to juggle the age differences between his children? If he has a 3 year old and a 12 year old, it’s on him to entertain and parent them in equal measure. Not to mention that the 12 year old has their own mum to think of them. Why on earth would a stepmum feel like she “owes” her stepchild a day out just because she took her own child somewhere? Or feels like she owes her stepchild a chunk of her time because she sat down with her own child for hours doing a school project? Or she needs to buy her stepchild something just because she bought her child a new pair of shoes? Surely she’s just being a parent to her own children and letting her stepchild’s parents get on with parenting the dsc. She doesn’t owe them things just because she’s actively parenting and spending time with her own children. It doesn’t work like that.

I love salad and occasionally have ice-cream. If I had ice-cream more I wouldn't have as much room for salad and the poor croutons would go all stale.

If I started getting as involved in my SCs lives as I do my child's the SC would be very uncomfortable.

I mean, we play it by ear don't we?

As i said previously i have not needed to mother DSS for most of our relationship. There was a time when his mother stopped doing that, and of course, i stepped in. Because he needed me. He needed that strong figure to kick him up the arse when he was acting up, and give him a cuddle when things were shit. Now, he's back living with her but mostly with his GF tbh, and he doesn't need that right now. (Sometimes i wish he did because my lord his attendance is shit)

If he needed me again in the future, i would be there. He knows i would, DP knows i would. But i don't need to smother him until then.

Equally my DS only has me to mother him, so he needs me 100% of the time.

Of course it's different.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I mean, we play it by ear don't we?

As i said previously i have not needed to mother DSS for most of our relationship. There was a time when his mother stopped doing that, and of course, i stepped in. Because he needed me. He needed that strong figure to kick him up the arse when he was acting up, and give him a cuddle when things were shit. Now, he's back living with her but mostly with his GF tbh, and he doesn't need that right now. (Sometimes i wish he did because my lord his attendance is shit)

If he needed me again in the future, i would be there. He knows i would, DP knows i would. But i don't need to smother him until then.

Equally my DS only has me to mother him, so he needs me 100% of the time.

Of course it's different.

This 👆🏻👍🏼

I don’t think it’s realistic to think step parents will feel the same about their step children as their bio children and that’s what I think doesn’t work about blended families. Parents usually naturally have bias for their own children and it does cause issues. Living with the issues that causes is something my friends who are step parents and my kids friends who are step kids are dealing with and it just seems too hard. But at least the adults have a say in it.

[quote FindingMeno]@aSofaNearYou I really don't understand why it is absolutely ridiculous, and stupid.[/quote]
I just feel like most would acknowledge that the parent-child relationship is unique and something that isn't easy to replicate. It is a very different kind of love.

Also, if I said my SS loved me as much/more than he loves his mum and dad, people would say it was impossible, I was out of order and I was kidding myself - which would likely be true, unless one of his parents weren't in his life or was a total failure. Yet those same people don't have any issue with expecting that I should feel that intensity of love for children that aren't mine?

@KaleSlayer

I don’t think it’s realistic to think step parents will feel the same about their step children as their bio children and that’s what I think doesn’t work about blended families. Parents usually naturally have bias for their own children and it does cause issues. Living with the issues that causes is something my friends who are step parents and my kids friends who are step kids are dealing with and it just seems too hard. But at least the adults have a say in it.

You can keep bleating on about this, but you have literally no experience except via your friends. Realistically, you have no idea about "living with the issues" and frankly its bordering on offensive you telling everyone what is wrong with their family and their relationship despite having no experience of living it yourself. You keep making spiteful comments about "at least the adults have a say in it" but name me any family situation which the children dictate? Do children in nuclear families dictate their parents relationship? No. They dont. Do children get to dictate when their parents divorce? No. Do they get to decide who they live with? No not often.

As a child, you don't get a say, because you're a child. It would be frankly fucking ridiculous to let your child make massive life decisions, wouldn't it? because a CHILD has no idea of the future implications of those decisions.

Consider your child, of course, think about how a situation might affect them and might make them feel, consider their welfare etc, OF COURSE, but basing all decisions on them? Nah. Recipe for disaster.

@ThatIsMyPotato

If I started getting as involved in my SCs lives as I do my child's the SC would be very uncomfortable.

Same, and also my DP would not be comfortable with it either. And needless to say, neither would their mum.

I just feel like you can't build up that bond of true love and trust with a child that you're not raising as your own. Like properly, fully parenting as a mother/father.

@ThatIsMyPotato

If I started getting as involved in my SCs lives as I do my child's the SC would be very uncomfortable.

Absolutely.