My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

@KaleSlayer

Your posts are all assumptions and guess work.

No. They’re based on what I see my friends going through and what they tell me. And what their kids tell my kids. And my brother is a step parent. And my mum was a step child.

Wow, thats JUST the same as living in that situation for many many years, isn't it?

TBH I don't know what to assume fishyfriday, all I know was that I had a young boy who regressed to bed wetting, had behavioural issues at school and begged me not to go. His Dad lied constantly - we'd discuss what was going on and he'd claim it was a lie as he was there and I'd discover he wasn't etc. It was not a pleasant experience all round for DS, it's no wonder he has little time for his Dad now.

Put it this way, it's fair to assume she didn't like DS.

I'm with you OP.

The Ex did kick up a massive fuss about the treatment DSS received over half siblings when it came to days out, holidays and other materialistic things. (She never worked lived from hand to mouth)
But it was Ex decision to move 300 miles away. When we offered to have DSS full time so he can benefit from our lifestyle, she changed her tune.

There are always 2 sides to any story. I often think that some exes have difficulties when people move on to new relationships.
They feel that their child is missing out, when in reality, life just carries on. It's visiting arrangements that are the real issue.

(We for example never had DSS for Christmas, but he was dropped of at our doorstep on the 30th December and not picked up until 2/3rd January...)

So not, not all the same, but these issues are common
Thank you.

The thing is, every situation is different. Some families will experience awful issues, some mild issues, some no issues at all and will live blisfully happy ever after. But every situation is different.

That doesn't mean that families like this cannot and dont work.

Nuclear families have problems. Big fucking problems sometimes, we dont sit here and say they're bad for children because people experience problems do we?

Life isn't easy. Change isn't easy. Bringing up children certainly isn't easy.

The thing is, you deal with it, you get through it, or you dont, and you make a change. That's it.

You cant make a blanket statement like that, you just cant.

And to come here under the guise that "oh you should all be confident in your choices and not care what others say" is to be honest, embarrassing. If you want to come an have a go at everyone about something you dont personally like and know fuck all about, do that, but grow some fucking balls and admit thats what youre doing.

[quote Fondizone]@ALevelhelp "An unpopular opinion on here, but I do struggle to understand why someone would get involved with a man/woman who already has children if they can't accept that it means their partner has responsibilities, and that child is going to end up being part of their life.
In our case DS's ex step mum very much knew DS existed (mutual friend of Ex and I) and behaved in a way that appeared she expected DS to stop visiting when she moved in. As I say, I didn't expect her to treat him as the same as her own DS, but she could have at least made his time there pleasant. Instead he was pushed away, his Dad stood back and allowed it to happen, and now their relationship is not great."

Sorry to hear that ALevelHelp, which sounds in some way similar to the experience of another poster who was a SD - i realise it is not always the case of course. Could any of the SMs here shed some light into what is the thinking process do they think behind this kind of behaviour from a SP? Is it they they see the child as competition? What can the SC do in this case?[/quote]
The only theory I can offer on this is that step-parents are primarily wanting a relationship with the parent, not with the child. And it can be tough and certainly at the beginning it can be difficult for a SP to digest that this relationship will look very different to previous ones and they won't necessarily get all the things they had imagined they would get from a relationship - eg. lots of time together, holidays, Christmas and special occasions together, decent finances, first-time child experiences with their partner etc etc.

BUT most SPs are nice, decent people and work through this, move past it and don't take out on the child, and actually work hard to build a relationship with the child. But where you have someone who is NOT a reasonable, nice person, they may push the boundaries from early on to see how much they can get away with when it comes to pushing the child out. And then it depends on the parent to protect their child and either tell the SP it's unacceptable and won't be tolerated, or end the relationship. Unfortunately, the parents in these situations don't do that as they are more concerned about staying in their relationship, and so their child suffers.

Thank you.

But that doesn’t mean I think that blended families can really work. 😬

@KaleSlayer

Thank you.

But that doesn’t mean I think that blended families can really work. 😬

I wouldn’t recommend it for you Kale. I think they work better when people have the ability to empathise and consider another’s POV. Being closed minded and ignorant would definitely make it difficult.

I’m sure you’re about to tell me about your perfect nuclear set up and crystal ball that allows you to confirm, with absolute certainty, that it’s a challenge you won’t ever face.

@KaleSlayer

Thank you.

But that doesn’t mean I think that blended families can really work. 😬

I'm sure you'd be singing a different tune if one of your friends happened to be one of the many people that had a positive experience, seeing as that's your primary source of data.

@KaleSlayer

Bibidy

I haven’t laid into anyone. I’ve just disagreed with some things. And I’ve just explained that my brother and mum also have experience of blended families as well as my friends. So it is a part of my life.
If someone was to disagree with something I did in my parenting and I was confident I was right, it really wouldn’t bother me. I think people should be confident in how they live even if someone disagrees. People shouldn’t post on a forum if they only want people to agree. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But you haven't just disagreed, you've said a few times that what you're saying is the truth and people just don't want to hear it. It just a bit galling when some of us genuinely do try so hard with our SCs.

But that doesn’t mean I think that blended families can really work
That's up to you. I'm just delighted you are able to understand that they are not all exactly the same.

Not just galling but not conducive to a discussion, being the purpose of a forum and why we’re all here. Nor helpful to anyone else who does want to contribute.

@ALevelhelp

TBH I don't know what to assume fishyfriday, all I know was that I had a young boy who regressed to bed wetting, had behavioural issues at school and begged me not to go. His Dad lied constantly - we'd discuss what was going on and he'd claim it was a lie as he was there and I'd discover he wasn't etc. It was not a pleasant experience all round for DS, it's no wonder he has little time for his Dad now.

Put it this way, it's fair to assume she didn't like DS.

Perhaps. Perhaps not.

My DSC would probably tell you things that would make you assume I don't like them. But actually I don't like my H's sense of entitlement with regards to them, his expectations that I'll take on all the drudge work, his scapegoating me whenever it suits him or the ways he allows them to behave towards me. So I make myself as scarce as possible, and insist he does everything for and with them. But it's him that's the problem.

It means that he has had to reduce his contact this summer because I'm not babysitting for him when he doesn't have enough annual leave to cover it. If they're here, they're his responsibility. I used to do it, but he took the piss and treated me badly.

I don't go on days out with them because I end up with all the work while he pretends to be dad of the year, and my sons are left just fitting in around the DSC's needs and interests. (They get loads of days out - every time they're here; he just resents having to take them on his own).

I won't cook for them or eat with them any longer. I've drawn a boundary for my own well-being and my children's. It's his job to feed his children when they're here. I'm not going to all the effort for them to reject the food, behave badly, and their father to scapegoat me because I cooked the meal (which I ate, and my kids ate).

And so on.

All I'm saying is that you really don't know what was going on in their house or relationship. So the assumptions you make might be wrong.

Your son had a terrible time. And it's destroyed his relationship with his father. But there might have been all sorts of things going on there that you have no idea about. It doesn't change the effect on your son. But the PP asked us SMs if we could offer an explanation. There isn't the information to do so.

@KaleSlayer

And you are assuming and guessing that all our families are the same.

I’m saying that of the blended families I know of, they are all dealing with similar issues. My brothers family actually had some sort of counselling/family therapy and was reassured that their blended family issues were incredibly common. So not, not all the same, but these issues are common.

Common issues for those attending therapy? What proportion of families do you think attend therapy and do you think that they represent all step families, including those who don’t attend therapy?

What do you think comes first? The issues or the therapy...

I wouldn’t recommend it for you Kale. I think they work better when people have the ability to empathise and consider another’s POV. Being closed minded and ignorant would definitely make it difficult.

It’s because I empathise and consider my children’s feelings that I wouldn’t put them in a situation where they had a step father or step siblings. It wouldn’t be right for me or my children...or any potential children I would be step mum to.
I don’t think my partner would live with someone else if we split up as he has similar views to me on this. Of course if he did, we’d have to navigate it. My kids are teens now, eldest is 18 soon so I can only hope it’ll never happen. They’ll have real choices on where they at least though as they’re older.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC.

Whilst I don't disagree with this, I can imagine the outrage if a man took his kids on holiday, because he could afford to and left his wife who can't with her kids. This is in a situation where they don't share children.

I can imagine people saying it's joint money and that you (the woman) and your child should not be excluded from the holiday.

The man would be called all kinds of everything...none of them pleasant.

But you haven't just disagreed, you've said a few times that what you're saying is the truth and people just don't want to hear it. It just a bit galling when some of us genuinely do try so hard with our SCs.

For me it also feels a bit redundant to keep repeating that you don't think blended families work, because you're targeting the wrong people. The best people to propose that point of view to would be the parents of potential SC. Obviously a step parent years into the arrangement isn't going to think "shit you're right, best leave my husband and the father of my child because this isn't ideal for SC". My SC shows no signs of being miserable about the set up. Whether or not things would be closer to ideal for him if he wasn't part of a step family is kind of immaterial to me, it was his dad's decision to date. It was his judgment call.

It wouldn’t be right for me or my children...or any potential children I would be step mum to.

No, not for you or yours. Agreed.

I'm sure you'd be singing a different tune if one of your friends happened to be one of the many people that had a positive experience, seeing as that's your primary source of data.

Their experience isn’t solely negative. They have lots of happy times. But I still think it’s too hard.

Common issues for those attending therapy? What proportion of families do you think attend therapy and do you think that they represent all step families, including those who don’t attend therapy?

What do you think comes first? The issues or the therapy...

In fairness, I do think that blended/step-families do suffer their fare share of issues as it does throw up unique challenges. I wouldn't say that my situation with DP and SCs is as straightforward as if we were a nuclear family.

I just don't think it's always the children who have the hardest time of it, or that blended families are inherently bad just because they can pose challenges. I think they can have loads of positives too, not least providing members with a family/family environment that they might not otherwise have had.

For me it also feels a bit redundant to keep repeating that you don't think blended families work, because you're targeting the wrong people.

I wonder if the therapists response is “end it. Won’t work, doesn’t work... next!”

Both helpful and productive.

@SandyY2K

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC.

Whilst I don't disagree with this, I can imagine the outrage if a man took his kids on holiday, because he could afford to and left his wife who can't with her kids. This is in a situation where they don't share children.

I can imagine people saying it's joint money and that you (the woman) and your child should not be excluded from the holiday.

The man would be called all kinds of everything...none of them pleasant.

This is true but there is a general double-standard when it comes to money on this site, not just for step-parents. All men have to share their money but all women should keep theirs separate, apparently.

In fairness, I do think that blended/step-families do suffer their fare share of issues as it does throw up unique challenges. I wouldn't say that my situation with DP and SCs is as straightforward as if we were a nuclear family.

No I agree, every relationship has its issues and this goes back to the comment made earlier - if nuclear families were perfect step families wouldn’t exist.

@KaleSlayer

I wouldn’t recommend it for you Kale. I think they work better when people have the ability to empathise and consider another’s POV. Being closed minded and ignorant would definitely make it difficult.

It’s because I empathise and consider my children’s feelings that I wouldn’t put them in a situation where they had a step father or step siblings. It wouldn’t be right for me or my children...or any potential children I would be step mum to.
I don’t think my partner would live with someone else if we split up as he has similar views to me on this. Of course if he did, we’d have to navigate it. My kids are teens now, eldest is 18 soon so I can only hope it’ll never happen. They’ll have real choices on where they at least though as they’re older.

Yes because anyone who is a step parent or a parent who has met a new partner doesnt empathise or consider their childrens feelings.

Seriously.

It’s because I empathise and consider my children’s feelings that I wouldn’t put them in a situation where they had a step father or step siblings. It wouldn’t be right for me or my children...or any potential children I would be step mum to.

I think this is a noble sentiment, but you are still just a human being too, as well as a mother. I think it's easy to say this but if you had been faced with a situation where you had children of, say, 4 and 6, when you became single, you'd be looking at a very long time and some of the best years of your life spent on your own. Which some people of course do do, but I can equally see why many wouldn't want to as well.