My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

God what a depressing thread, and that is ultimately the same scenario on here again and again that the minute stepparents have their "own dc" they quite naturally want them to come first and will think of their needs above all else. It's why I would never blend families or be with a man with existing DC.

My SC shows no signs of being miserable about the set up.

Despite what I just said about people on the outside assuming I dislike my SC from my strategies to cope with their father's priorities and choices, the same is true of my SC.

They get a great deal. I withdraw and minimise myself, and stay out of the way with my children. They arrive, the red carpet is rolled out and they get to do what they want. Constant games consoles and tv. Trips to the park with daddy. Day trips with daddy. McDonald's every week. All meals are beige and unchallenging (they still take absurd of lengths of time on purpose). Lots of sweets and chocolate. New toys regularly. Daddy looks after them the entire time (and can no longer bugger off in his bike etc). Never being told off for anything. It's all about them and they are perfectly happy.

And if they don't like something, mammy will phone daddy and he'll panic and do what she says.

I'm not convinced it's good for anyone. But the SC are definitely not the ones missing out or feeling bad about anything. They're most definitely the star elements in our salad.

Common issues for those attending therapy? What proportion of families do you think attend therapy and do you think that they represent all step families, including those who don’t attend therapy?

Common in terms of studies done on it I think. And apparently more second marriages involving kids to previous relationships end than first marriages. I’d have to ask my brother to be honest, it was a few years ago now. I remember my SIL telling me that she felt her marriage was doomed as the therapist said that blended families have all the normal issues plus another layer. But happy to say they are still together now , they found the therapy really helpful but I think the kids getting older helped.

Common in terms of studies done on it I think.

You think that was the outcome of the “studies”?

Oh right. Must be accurate.

That statement just shows your lack of depth in your understanding.

I’m not suggesting that step families don’t have issue and actually, the suggestion that they have another layer of issues to nuclear doesn’t sound outrageous. But that’s not to say they don’t work.

Interesting that in your brothers case they worked through those issues, I’m curious - does that mean they’ve worked it out or they’re still “not working” because them having stayed together and found therapy helpful isn’t consistent with the notion that such families don’t work. There’s a difference between not working and needing some work.

I think this is a noble sentiment, but you are still just a human being too, as well as a mother. I think it's easy to say this but if you had been faced with a situation where you had children of, say, 4 and 6, when you became single, you'd be looking at a very long time and some of the best years of your life spent on your own. Which some people of course do do, but I can equally see why many wouldn't want to as well.

Even if this would have happened to me, I’m very sure I wouldn’t have lived with a new partner or had any more children. It just wouldn’t be right for me.
My partner says he wouldn’t either but obviously I can’t say for certain.

"It’s because I empathise and consider my children’s feelings that I wouldn’t put them in a situation where they had a step father or step siblings. It wouldn’t be right for me or my children...or any potential children I would be step mum to.
I don’t think my partner would live with someone else if we split up as he has similar views to me on this. Of course if he did, we’d have to navigate it. My kids are teens now, eldest is 18 soon so I can only hope it’ll never happen. They’ll have real choices on where they at least though as they’re older."

But you haven't split up with your partner or been widowed, so you don't actually know what you would do in this situation as you have never been through it..
If it had happened when your children were very young you would probably feel different and be less judgemental implying people don't consider their children's feelings when they go on to have another partner.

It's not necessary to come onto here and say things like that.

Even if this would have happened to me, I’m very sure I wouldn’t have lived with a new partner or had any more children. It just wouldn’t be right for me.
My partner says he wouldn’t either but obviously I can’t say for certain

You didn't address my previous comment about this so I'll ask a bit more directly - why do you feel this is a topic of interest for step parents? Why not lone parents? By the time a step parent is involved, the decision to bring somebody else into the child's life has already been made, by the parent. It's not really the step parents choice or problem to consider.

Unless you are talking specifically to the step parents who also had children from a prior relationship?

Nobody knows what they would have done had things been different. You can say you wouldnt have until youre blue in the face, but you dont know because you have literally never faced the situation.

DinoHat

Il be sure to acknowledge my bro when I talk to him. It was a while ago. But yes, the therapist said it was common as I know my brother and wife felt much better after hearing it. Yes, based on studies and people families the therapist had seen. And the apparent divorce rate being higher. It was a tough time for their family.

Interesting that in your brothers case they worked through those issues, I’m curious - does that mean they’ve worked it out or they’re still “not working” because them having stayed together and found therapy helpful isn’t consistent with the notion that such families don’t work. There’s a difference between not working and needing some work.

Well I wouldn’t say it’s a relationship I would think many people would want to be in. But they’ve chose to stay. Things improved as the children got older but there is family pressure from her side to not divorce. My brother isn’t a great person unfortunately.

She asked, I didn't. I'd appreciate you not picking apart my DS's position with your assumptions. Your assumptions are not any more important than mine, unless you're claiming to know the woman? No? I've now known her for over 20 years, even in recent years she's behaving in a manner towards others that make me feel my assumptions were probably likely right. I blame her and DS's Dad for the whole thing. They're as bad as each other.

So sorry no, I won't listen to that it probably wasn't what I thought it was if you don't mind. Thanks

Some people are just bloody nasty, and she's one of them.

Before anyone jumps on me, as noted up thread this is a discussion. I massively disagree that all step parents are awful for children, absolutely not. However I added in my story as part of that discussion of how on very rare occasions blended families don't work well.

*ask not acknowledge

I think I could understand the OP more if the two sets of kids were unrelated. However, her DSC are her DC’s half siblings.

I could imagine feeling more detached if they were no relation to my own child, but they are. The DSC, DC and DH are all blood relatives, unlike the OP.

@FloconDeNeige

I think I could understand the OP more if the two sets of kids were unrelated. However, her DSC are her DC’s half siblings.

I could imagine feeling more detached if they were no relation to my own child, but they are. The DSC, DC and DH are all blood relatives, unlike the OP.

I don't understand why you think that would make any difference to the SMs feelings?

Because as blood relations, her child will be forever linked to her step-children. Even if the OP and her DH split, it’s likely the kids would want to remain in touch with each other as they are half-siblings.

If none of the children were related and the marriage broke down, they’d all walk away without a backwards glance. Thus, from a time, effort and emotional investment POV, I could somewhat understand being more detached if this was the case. But it isn’t.

She asked, I didn't. I'd appreciate you not picking apart my DS's position with your assumptions.

I haven't made any assumptions about your DS's position. I can appreciate you are very sensitive about it (obviously) but I haven't said anything about your DS's experience at all. I haven't even said he didn't have a terrible time.

I answered another poster, directly, to say that given all we have is the account of a now adult SC and a second hand account of a mother of a SC, there's no way I could even begin to try to explain what motivated either SM. I don't have the information to do so and it's pointless to speculate.

I also said that I don't think it helps to play misery top trumps in which the NR SC are always the worst off in any situation. In no way does that mean that your particular son didn't have a crap time (and a crap dad). And he shouldn't have had that experience. It just means that insisting that NR children are always having the hardest time isn't helpful to anyone, including them.

As I said, I can understand that you are very sensitive about your own son's experience, but you are the only one that's talking about that. I'm just not willing to insist that his SM was definitely the villain without any idea what her life was like or hearing her own account. It may well look very different to what any of us might assume (and that includes the possibility of her behaviour being worse than we might think as well as all sorts of mitigating factors). We just don't know.

@FloconDeNeige

Because as blood relations, her child will be forever linked to her step-children. Even if the OP and her DH split, it’s likely the kids would want to remain in touch with each other as they are half-siblings.

If none of the children were related and the marriage broke down, they’d all walk away without a backwards glance. Thus, from a time, effort and emotional investment POV, I could somewhat understand being more detached if this was the case. But it isn’t.

.... I'm not seeing why any of that would make any difference.

We're not talking about situations where the SP is 100% detached here. Just much less attached than they are to their own children.

@FishyFriday

She asked, I didn't. I'd appreciate you not picking apart my DS's position with your assumptions.

I haven't made any assumptions about your DS's position. I can appreciate you are very sensitive about it (obviously) but I haven't said anything about your DS's experience at all. I haven't even said he didn't have a terrible time.

I answered another poster, directly, to say that given all we have is the account of a now adult SC and a second hand account of a mother of a SC, there's no way I could even begin to try to explain what motivated either SM. I don't have the information to do so and it's pointless to speculate.

I also said that I don't think it helps to play misery top trumps in which the NR SC are always the worst off in any situation. In no way does that mean that your particular son didn't have a crap time (and a crap dad). And he shouldn't have had that experience. It just means that insisting that NR children are always having the hardest time isn't helpful to anyone, including them.

As I said, I can understand that you are very sensitive about your own son's experience, but you are the only one that's talking about that. I'm just not willing to insist that his SM was definitely the villain without any idea what her life was like or hearing her own account. It may well look very different to what any of us might assume (and that includes the possibility of her behaviour being worse than we might think as well as all sorts of mitigating factors). We just don't know.

Sorry fishy I'm very sensitive about it. I need to step away from this board

@FloconDeNeige

Because as blood relations, her child will be forever linked to her step-children. Even if the OP and her DH split, it’s likely the kids would want to remain in touch with each other as they are half-siblings.

If none of the children were related and the marriage broke down, they’d all walk away without a backwards glance. Thus, from a time, effort and emotional investment POV, I could somewhat understand being more detached if this was the case. But it isn’t.

My MIL is a blood relation to DH and DS3. I doesn't make me feel any more positively about her.

I would never see DH's brother again if we divorced. They're still blood relatives. BIL is fine but I don't love him. No one would expect me to.

The SC and DS3 are all DH's children. He should love them equally. He doesn't love my DS1 and DS2. Nor do I expect him to. The DSC don't need or want me to love them. The biology here isn't the key thing.

Mumsnet is very harsh to step-parents OP!
If DSC's other parent is v responsible and has lots of lovely things that your own children don't have nobody forces them to share, the rationale being 'they have a broken family already so this is to compensate'.
But when it's the other way around SP are jumped on and told that they're being cruel.

At the end of the day one must be fair to all children but the SC are always going to have different living situations compared to own children. People can't claim that it's only unfair if it's worse!

@FloconDeNeige

Because as blood relations, her child will be forever linked to her step-children. Even if the OP and her DH split, it’s likely the kids would want to remain in touch with each other as they are half-siblings.

If none of the children were related and the marriage broke down, they’d all walk away without a backwards glance. Thus, from a time, effort and emotional investment POV, I could somewhat understand being more detached if this was the case. But it isn’t.

Well the kids would stay in touch via their shared dad on their time with him.

If none of the children were related and the marriage broke down, they’d all walk away without a backwards glance. Thus, from a time, effort and emotional investment POV, I could somewhat understand being more detached if this was the case

I still don't think this would work because people don't spend their relationship acting as if they are about to split up.

I am a stepmum and I absolutely think I have a responsibility to be kind and try and build/maintain relationships with my SCs. I don't, however, think I must necessarily be expected to love them the same as I do my own children in order for us to be a happy family. And I wouldn't expect my stepchildren or the feelings projected on them by their dad (or whoever else) to dictate what I could and couldn't do with my own children when they aren't about.

@FloconDeNeige

Because as blood relations, her child will be forever linked to her step-children. Even if the OP and her DH split, it’s likely the kids would want to remain in touch with each other as they are half-siblings.

If none of the children were related and the marriage broke down, they’d all walk away without a backwards glance. Thus, from a time, effort and emotional investment POV, I could somewhat understand being more detached if this was the case. But it isn’t.

Their father (or biological parent) is the tie that binds them, not the step parent though?

Kale, please don’t concern yourself with asking your brother, who you don’t even like, on account of this thread.

And if DH and I divorce, he'd be the one facilitating an ongoing relationship between his children. I wouldn't have anything to do with it. I'd be responsible for facilitating an ongoing relationship between my 3 DSes. Just like DH would facilitate his children's relationship with his parents and siblings, and I'd do the same with mine.

I just don't see how DS3 being their half sibling makes the DSC somehow more 'my children'. If anything, it makes it clearer that he is our child, and the other children are only one of ours.

@FloconDeNeige

Because as blood relations, her child will be forever linked to her step-children. Even if the OP and her DH split, it’s likely the kids would want to remain in touch with each other as they are half-siblings.

If none of the children were related and the marriage broke down, they’d all walk away without a backwards glance. Thus, from a time, effort and emotional investment POV, I could somewhat understand being more detached if this was the case. But it isn’t.

If I split with my child's dad I would expect him to facilitate contact with my SC. It would be the same as not expecting my SC's mum to have anything to do with my child. Dad is the link here.

But OP hasn't split up so I'm not sure what the relevance is. I think I'm missing something of your argument sorry.

@Bibidy thank you for your reply. Yes I imagine a lot of newly minted sm's have no idea how much different the relationship will be to the ones they experienced and develop resentment as a result... In some cases feel trapped...

@FishyFriday thank you too. I guess it is true that one can not know the full story, on the other hand as a b-mum who lives full time with the child she'd know what sort of behaviour to expect and what sounds really out there...
The dinner example, how do you deal with that situation? If my DS didn't like the food (for no real reason) I'd just be pushy and let him know I'm annoyed. But as an sm do you feel you can respond the same way you would to your DC?