My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

I wouldn’t have wanted to live with another adult who got named my step parent because my mum or dad was shagging them
You'll be glad to know I'm only a step mother on Mumsnet. In the real world, neither I nor my family see ourselves that way.
Also, my husband married me, we have a home and family and life together. We are not just shagging and have been together far longer than he was with his ex.

Why aren’t we targeting parents who chose to have children with completely unsuitable partners?

And parents who remain in relationships with people who are treating their children poorly.

Even if I had tried (which I never would), my DP would NEVER allow me to do some of the things PPs have given as examples here of how their children have been poorly treated by their step-parents.

Yet even in some of these comments it's the SP who is the only one who is to blame, not the dad who has sat idly by and watched his children be left alone in his home as he heads for a day out with his 'new' family.

You'll be glad to know I'm only a step mother on Mumsnet. In the real world, neither I nor my family see ourselves that way

Everyone sees you that way. You're kidding yourself.

@KaleSlayer

I would have much rather have them both had split up for my sake and their own.

Me too. But I wouldn’t have wanted to then be parented by a stranger who had a natural bias towards their own children. I wouldn’t have wanted to live with another adult who got named my step parent because my mum or dad was shagging them. And I wouldn’t have wanted random kids to now be my step siblings. I really don’t think many parents appreciate quite how difficult all that is for children.
That’s not to say it can never work out or that step parents are horrible.

You should definitely think about how you frame all of this.

You don't need to be 'parented' by a SP. that's for your parents to do, whatever their relationship status. Many SPs do not take on a parental role.

And the someone your parents happen to be shagging is just ridiculous. I doubt you'd insist that children in nuclear families are better off because their parents are shagging each other. It's just intended to be dismissive of people's relationships and inflammatory.

In general neither SPs not step siblings are 'random'. They're not just plucked off the street, any more than an aunt or uncle by marriage is. In general people get to know each other. And give the kids time to get to know their partner/each other before they get married. Problems can arise later (and often because of the thinking of the children delay in meeting them until it's really serious) but these aren't just randomly allocated people. It's not arriving in the big brother house. 🙄

"It's not like thats the only other option to a mix of step and half siblings in a "blended family". You don't have to leave one man and move in another and have a whole new family."

You don't and many don't just get a new man and make a new family it happens over time, but what I was trying to say though was actually having a relationship, a healthy one that your children can see and learn from and can mirror what is normal is a positive thing.
I wish I would have had that personally.

Your comment about a step-parent being just someone your mum or dad is 'shagging' is so reductive. I mean, all parents are just people who were 'shagging' each other at some point?! Doesn't mean that's all their relationship ever was.

But just because this other adult is special to a parent, doesn’t mean they are anything at all to the child. Hopefully they build a relationship, but so often they are not at all close before they are forced into living with them. When I was a teen, my friends that had step parents just seen them as a random housemate. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear, but that is the reality. My children are teens now and many of their friends feel the same and their relationships with their parents have suffered.

Loads of people have longer and more committed relationships with the person who becomes their child's step-parent than they did with that child's other parent.

Well again, that’s just an example of adults doing what suits them. People plan children or are not careful with contraception and have babies with people they don’t know well. And children suffer the consequences. Obviously genuine accidents happen and that’s different.

@toocoldforsno

Why aren’t we targeting parents who chose to have children with completely unsuitable partners?

We aren't targeting anyone. What would that look like?

Are you confused as to why the focus is on step-parents...on a step-parents board? Really?

It's supposed to be a support board for stepparents. But it functions like a 'cone along and judge' board instead.

Everyone sees you that way. You're kidding yourself
Since you don't know me or my family, I don't know how you think you can make that statement. You seem to have some real problems imagining different people and circumstances.
Poor old silly you

In general neither SPs not step siblings are 'random'. They're not just plucked off the street, any more than an aunt or uncle by marriage is. In general people get to know each other. And give the kids time to get to know their partner/each other before they get married. Problems can arise later (and often because of the thinking of the children delay in meeting them until it's really serious) but these aren't just randomly allocated people. It's not arriving in the big brother house. 🙄

This is very true.

Most parents and their new partners take great care in thinking of what is right and best for the children. They wait a long time, gradually build up time together, spend days together, have holidays together. By the time my DP & I moved in together, his children had spent many overnights with me and were very comfortable being around me.

Not everyone in a step-family is just selfish and thoughtless about the effect on the children.

@toocoldforsno

Why aren’t we targeting parents who chose to have children with completely unsuitable partners?

We aren't targeting anyone. What would that look like?

Are you confused as to why the focus is on step-parents...on a step-parents board? Really?

Hold up.... I thought the focus was the kids? If the focus was step parents they might be able to have a healthy conversation without being the target of vitriol.

This thread has become a debate about step families per se and has been totally derailed by those attacking their existence. That’s what targeting looks like.

The OP began a discussion about her own children and her experience as a mother and step parent. This debate about whether or not her family unit should exist in the first place is irrelevant to her situation, it does, her children exist.

Yet you say the step parents are the focus?

This debate about whether or not her family unit should exist in the first place is irrelevant to her situation, it does, her children exist.

Exactly! Her children exist so what’s the point in saying they shouldn’t exist? It’s fucking rude and offensive for starters.

But just because this other adult is special to a parent, doesn’t mean they are anything at all to the child. Hopefully they build a relationship, but so often they are not at all close before they are forced into living with them. When I was a teen, my friends that had step parents just seen them as a random housemate. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear, but that is the reality. My children are teens now and many of their friends feel the same and their relationships with their parents have suffered.

I do totally accept that this can and does happen, but I'd say in the vast majority of situations people genuinely do take great care when starting a relationship when they have children.

Most parents love their children more than anything and would not introduce someone without the utmost care, and certainly wouldn't move in if they thought their children wouldn't be comfortable.

So I definitely don't deny that some kids do feel like your described your friends feeling. But I'd say that it's more of an indicator that they had selfish parents who didn't bother to consider them when they made decisions about new partners and life changes, rather than a statement on blended families as a whole.

@funinthesun19

This debate about whether or not her family unit should exist in the first place is irrelevant to her situation, it does, her children exist.

Exactly! Her children exist so what’s the point in saying they shouldn’t exist? It’s fucking rude and offensive for starters.

Agreed.

Being in a blended family has been positive for DSS - he has had so many opportunities that he would not have had if his dad had remained single until he hit 18.

Similarly for myself, being in a blended family has actually really benefitted me - i have an excellent step dad - does he treat me exactly the same as his biological child? no, because i am 17 years older and frankly it would be ridiculous, but do we have a good relationship? certainly.

Blending families does not work for everyone but i am sick and tired of hearing that it cant work, and it doesnt benefit children. My step dad would be mortified to think his mere presence had ruined my life, when in fact he has enhanced it.

If you have a child and are considering splitting up with your partner, then one of the factors in your decision should be what if they go on to have another child. If you can't handle that then you need to consider not splitting up.

do you have kids @KaleSlayer?

@toocoldforsno

Why aren’t we targeting parents who chose to have children with completely unsuitable partners?

We aren't targeting anyone. What would that look like?

Are you confused as to why the focus is on step-parents...on a step-parents board? Really?

I'd say targeting step-parents looks like posters who aren't step-parents and have no experience of the situation coming onto the step-parents board and completely slating us, and saying our families are one of the worst things that can happen to our stepchildren.

Personally I think there needs to be a term that isn't "blended" as that feels to me like everyone is suppose to blend seamlessly into one family but I think it works better when everyone can just be who they are to each other without pressure.

Yes I agree I don't like the term blended either.

@ThatIsMyPotato

Personally I think there needs to be a term that isn't "blended" as that feels to me like everyone is suppose to blend seamlessly into one family but I think it works better when everyone can just be who they are to each other without pressure.

Agree. Also tbh I only consider the term 'blended family' to refer to situations where both parties bring their own children with them, not where someone has just remarried a single person, or remarried and had further children with that person.

You know I wonder when our expectations of parents & their parenting became so ridiculously high?
NO parent, no matter what situation, is ever going to get it fully right, and no matter what the family situation individual children will respond differently to different aspects of their parenting.
My parents were wonderful people but there was 6 of us & their style of parenting suited 3 of us but didn't work so well for the other 3 - one of whom was me.
Did the way they parented me affect me? Yes, I struggled through teenage & early adulthood. Am I seething with resentment? No, I appreciate they were doing their best, that they loved me & that I too have to take responsibility for my actions and behaviours.
The amount of hand wringing & gnashing of teeth on this forum about children being mistreated is imo quite frankly ridiculous.
I don't know one person of my age who had a consistently blissful & happy childhood - such a thing doesn't exist because life just does not work that way.
There is a massive difference between an abusive childhood & one where you don't always get everything you want exactly the way you want it & I really think some of the people on here have lost perspective on that.
The endless nitpicking about young dc getting age appropriate treats & older dc being 'left out' is one such thing, & how many Easter eggs everyone gets from extended family members is another, & don't even get me started on sdc who stay 4 nights a month needing their own bedrooms! And let's not forget the whole 'can't say the sdc visit' debate or how dare a sm focus on her own dc more than the sdc!
I have friends who didn't get to go to uni because 'brainier' siblings were prioritised, I have friends whose dad's served overseas & were rarely home, I have friends who had chronically sick siblings & who got minimal attention growing up as all focus was on said sibling. I myself was virtually ignored for my teenage years as my parents were so distracted by issues with some of my older siblings.

And you know what? We are all just fine & all had great relationships with our parents as we got older.
Some of the persistent crap on here just melts my head.

Thanks @Magda72 that was refreshing to read.

Agree. Also tbh I only consider the term 'blended family' to refer to situations where both parties bring their own children with them, not where someone has just remarried a single person, or remarried and had further children with that person.

I agree as well, and I also think it's unfortunate that set ups where both parties have their own kids and set ups where only one does and they are dating a childless person, always get lumped together as if they are the same thing. In reality I think they are pretty different and incomparable in a lot of ways, especially when it comes to the situation being fair and balanced for the adults involved.

Sorry if using ‘blended’ has offended anyone. I thought that was an ok term, it’s what people I know use in real life use for a variety of situations. Happy to be corrected.