My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

@toocoldforsno

A blended family isn’t the worst case or undesirable in every instance. There are positives to be drawn from it too

For the adults, maybe. Very rarely for the children. But the adults need to convince themselves that the kids just love it, to make them feel better about their choices.

I think it works best when it isn't forced and overblended.

I just find the comparison of children in the two different scenarios insulting. It may be lovely for some children, and devastating for others. However that is due to having a son who's childhood was far from rosy, A childhood he'll never get back and a pretty shit relationship with any of his Dads side of the family. So maybe I have a very biased view of it. I just find it very tough on a lot of SM threads when SC are spoken about.

@ALevelhelp It certainly wasn't meant to be insulting and I definitely wasn't saying that children with separated parents have it 'rosy' or better than those whose parents are together. Not at all. I am genuinely sorry your son had such a difficult time and I don't believe that 'first' children should be treated poorly by their step-parents at all.

Maybe I'm not wording it well, but what I mean is it's like when parents tell children they should eat their dinner because there are children starving in other countries or people shouldn't be upset about X,Y and Z because there are so many people worse off in the world.....it just doesn't help because it isn't relevant to that individual's situation.

A small child who lives with both parents isn't going to just feel eternally grateful for that, that's just their norm. So I just don't think that they should be expected to settle for 'less' and be upset by things like being left out of (suitable)things their parent is doing with older children just because they happen to be the child of someone who already had kids with a previous partner.

Basically, what I am saying is that I think all children's feelings should be considered equally. I don't think one's feelings should be sacrificed to protect the other's just because one has parents together and one doesn't. There are ways to manage the situation which don't look like that.

Basically, what I am saying is that I think all children's feelings should be considered equally. I don't think one's feelings should be sacrificed to protect the other's just because one has parents together and one doesn't. There are ways to manage the situation which don't look like that.

Exactly.

@DinoHat

I’m neither impressed, nor proud, merely making a point that blending families has been positive for him.

Well yes, there are things worse than a blended family. I mean, sleeping in a tent in the park is better than living in a basement in war zone, but you wouldn't argue that sleeping in the park was ever a good thing.

In this instance it has been the best outcome for DSS. So not the lesser of two evils, but actually the best case out of all the possible scenarios. The only alternative would be that his parents chose who they had a child with more carefully. Which they didn’t, so unless we’re saying the best case scenario is that he never existed it’s the best outcome of those available to him.

I appreciate you might not think it’s ideal, but the ideal nuclear family isn’t an option for him.

@toocoldforsno
I think you've just proven that step parents can never win.
What a mug I feel for everything I've ever done to make my DSDs life better, because now I know it wasn't worth it and I've made her life worse just by existing. But at least she's not living in a war zone.
Cheers.

Well yes, there are things worse than a blended family. I mean, sleeping in a tent in the park is better than living in a basement in war zone, but you wouldn't argue that sleeping in the park was ever a good thing.

What are we classing as a 'blended' family though? I would say that having to get to know and live with random kids that they may or may not like is far harder for children than gaining some little half-siblings who they treat and love as a brother/sister, which is DinoHat's scenario.

I think it all just depends, some 'new' families work for everyone, some don't. I have several adult friends who absolutely love their SPs and their younger half-siblings, and then there are others who barely have a relationship with their parent anymore following the initial family split. I don't think all 'blended families' can be tarred with the same brush in the way that having to live in a tent in the park can be seen as negative! Some people genuinely gain family members that they love through their parents remarrying.

[quote Youseethethingis]@toocoldforsno
I think you've just proven that step parents can never win.
What a mug I feel for everything I've ever done to make my DSDs life better, because now I know it wasn't worth it and I've made her life worse just by existing. But at least she's not living in a war zone.
Cheers.[/quote]
I know right

[quote Youseethethingis]@toocoldforsno
I think you've just proven that step parents can never win.
What a mug I feel for everything I've ever done to make my DSDs life better, because now I know it wasn't worth it and I've made her life worse just by existing. But at least she's not living in a war zone.
Cheers.[/quote]
I was neither talking to or about you, but if that's what you're taking away I suggest it's your own issues and insecurities talking.

I was neither talking to or about you

You realise it wasn’t a private message, but a post on a public forum? Are you suggesting that nobody else should respond to your posts? I wasn’t talking directly to you either but you took it upon yourself to engage - as is to be expected on a public forum.

Presumably your post related to “blended families” as a whole and not mine directly, given that was the term you used.

@toocoldforsno but you are surely talking about all of us and our families when you say:

Well yes, there are things worse than a blended family. I mean, sleeping in a tent in the park is better than living in a basement in war zone, but you wouldn't argue that sleeping in the park was ever a good thing.

That's saying that whatever we do, our families will always be a bad thing for our SCs and no one could argue they are a good thing.

The 12 year old will be traumatised for life if they can't go too. It will lead to years of therapy as they won't be able to understand why a mother might want to take her 3 year old to Peppa Pig and not the 12 year old. They must also be given equal access to baby sensory classes and soft play.

Yep! How awful!

I just don’t agree that you “shouldn’t be a stepparent” if you can’t treat them equally.
I mean, yes there are things a stepmum should do equally. Like if she’s making tea or doing laundry then she wouldn’t just leave the stepchild going hungry and I’m sure she’d through a few of their T-shirts in the wash. Or if she’s buying a packet of sweets for her children and dsc is with them then she buys a packet for dsc too.
But when it comes to the bigger things like days out, inheritence, sleepovers with grandparents, buying a coat her child needs, even running her child to hobbies and hanging about for an hour. Those are the bits where it naturally starts to become unequal.
Especially when there is an age gap and the stepmum’s interests are more geared towards her young children over a preteen stepchild.

@toocoldforsno
I would suggest that when you make a broad statement about a large group of people then all the people in that group would be reasonable to think you are talking about everyone.
Unless you thought PP was the only step parent on this board, which would be very silly of you indeed.

*throw, not through.

I don't think parents staying together is always what it's cracked up to be either.
I was brought up with my parents together but really they should have split up early on they didn't get along, I don't think families staying together is the pinnacle of the perfect upbringing, there are so many more factors to be considered.
I would have much rather have them both had split up for my sake and their own.

I don't think parents staying together is always what it's cracked up to be either.

It’s not, I agree! And I always find it insulting when people insinuate that my children had a “better life” than their older half sibling when their father lived here. He dragged us all down, and my children had that life EVERRRY.SINGLE.DAY.REPEAT.

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

I don't think parents staying together is always what it's cracked up to be either. I was brought up with my parents together but really they should have split up early on they didn't get along, I don't think families staying together is the pinnacle of the perfect upbringing, there are so many more factors to be considered. I would have much rather have them both had split up for my sake and their own.

Yes. There are a lot of extremely dysfunctional nuclear families around.

And let's not forget that blended families would hardly exist if nuclear families were so wonderfully successful for everyone.

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

I don't think parents staying together is always what it's cracked up to be either. I was brought up with my parents together but really they should have split up early on they didn't get along, I don't think families staying together is the pinnacle of the perfect upbringing, there are so many more factors to be considered. I would have much rather have them both had split up for my sake and their own.

Agree, and I totally agree with what DinoHat said earlier.

Obviously the ideal situation to raise children is within a happy nuclear family. However, once that is no longer an option then all you can do is try your best.

I don't think the only positive way to move forward following a parental split is for both to stay single until the child is grown up. That can be one positive way, but equally comes with lots of challenges of its own for many people.

I would have much rather have them both had split up for my sake and their own.

Me too. But I wouldn’t have wanted to then be parented by a stranger who had a natural bias towards their own children. I wouldn’t have wanted to live with another adult who got named my step parent because my mum or dad was shagging them. And I wouldn’t have wanted random kids to now be my step siblings. I really don’t think many parents appreciate quite how difficult all that is for children.
That’s not to say it can never work out or that step parents are horrible.

I don't think parents staying together is always what it's cracked up to be either

It's not like thats the only other option to a mix of step and half siblings in a "blended family". You don't have to leave one man and move in another and have a whole new family.

If my parents had split up and moved on to having healthy, happy relationships with other people I could have been able to see relationships in a different light and follow them as good role models in choosing my own partners going forwards.

Unfortunately what I thought was normal wasn't and I mirrored them in my subsequent relationships until I finally met my now DH.
I didn't realise things could be so easy and calm.

@KaleSlayer

I would have much rather have them both had split up for my sake and their own.

Me too. But I wouldn’t have wanted to then be parented by a stranger who had a natural bias towards their own children. I wouldn’t have wanted to live with another adult who got named my step parent because my mum or dad was shagging them. And I wouldn’t have wanted random kids to now be my step siblings. I really don’t think many parents appreciate quite how difficult all that is for children.
That’s not to say it can never work out or that step parents are horrible.

Your comment about a step-parent being just someone your mum or dad is 'shagging' is so reductive. I mean, all parents are just people who were 'shagging' each other at some point?! Doesn't mean that's all their relationship ever was.

Loads of people have longer and more committed relationships with the person who becomes their child's step-parent than they did with that child's other parent.

Also, I don't know what the stats would be but loads of step-parents don't have any kids of their own until they have their SC's half-siblings. So lots of children are never in a situation where they need to accept 'random kids' as step-siblings at all.

@toocoldforsno

I don't think parents staying together is always what it's cracked up to be either

It's not like thats the only other option to a mix of step and half siblings in a "blended family". You don't have to leave one man and move in another and have a whole new family.

Nobody has suggested that it’s the only outcome.

But that in some instances, yes it’s preferable. As pp said staying single has its challenges too.

And let's not forget that blended families would hardly exist if nuclear families were so wonderfully successful for everyone.

Yet the anger is always directed at step parents, who had no role to play in that. They are a symptom, not the cause, but nonetheless seen as an easy target.

Why aren’t we targeting parents who chose to have children with completely unsuitable partners?

Why aren’t we targeting parents who chose to have children with completely unsuitable partners?

We aren't targeting anyone. What would that look like?

Are you confused as to why the focus is on step-parents...on a step-parents board? Really?

also, PS. That's what the Relationships board looks like. Exactly.