My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

"You're presuming these children want or expect someone to mother them. Many don't."

I totally agree and this is my experience.

For that to happen, the other kids will know they’re less important.

But surely they know who their parents are and that they are just as special to their own parents like any other child is. Their step/half siblings have their own mum just like they do, and I’m sure they are showered with love and importance by their own mum. As well as their dad of course! You seem to be forgetting about the importance he will place on them.

@MarkUp

You’ve obviously got up this morning and posted early and then spent the whole day trying to make people think the same as you.

And if you're suggesting I've done nothing but MN today, you're right. It's been a rare free day today and I've spent it arguing with people on here, think of that what you will

MN can be a total time waster

Maybe we should hold shitty parents more accountable. Easier to blame the stepmum than the dad for his failings as a parent I suppose. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I grew up in a split family and to me it was just normal, didn’t think anything of it. Didn’t wish for a ‘together family’ because I had two families which in my child like brain was even better. I also never thought of what siblings would be doing without me etc.

But surely they know who their parents are and that they are just as special to their own parents like any other child is. Their step/half siblings have their own mum just like they do, and I’m sure they are showered with love and importance by their own mum. As well as their dad of course! You seem to be forgetting about the importance he will place on them.

I’m not forgetting that. But it’s hard for children to have this extra person in their life that they have to live with, will usually discipline them and plays the role of a sort of parent but that they know doesn’t really feel like that about them. It’s just a strange dynamic that most of my friends who were part of blended families struggled with. My friends who are step parents also struggle with it.

@Pumpkyumpkyumpkin
I’ve only really started thinking of it from this angle as DC have got older (still very young).

I’m really proud of the sharing, etc DC do, there’s even very little jealousy over sharing parents. There is a little bit of confusion starting for DC though, especially on the day SC go back to mums.

I can’t help but feel for them and I’m determined that they don’t have to compensate because DH has older children.

I think it’s a really overlooked aspect of separated parents/blended families/whatever you want to call it.

But it’s hard for children to have this extra person in their life that they have to live with, will usually discipline them and plays the role of a sort of parent but that they know doesn’t really feel like that about them.

I don’t know what you want to happen really.

As I said upthread, my brother’s stepchildren had no other father figure and I agree it would have been cruel to not include them in everything as he was their father.
But a child with a very involved mum and dad isn’t lacking anything in the way of love and inclusion. I really don’t think their half sibling having a few lovely days out with their mum just like they do with their own mum is going to do any damage.

I don’t know what you want to happen really.

I don’t want anything to happen. I’m just saying what I think. It a forum. 🤷🏻‍♀️

"Personally I think blended families aren’t a great way for children to grow up. The ones I’ve seen are generally full of problems, resentment and jealousy and that usually stems from how the parents parent."

Agree also from my own small sample of observations. It seems very very hard...

"In my own way I love my DSS, but I certainly wouldn't want this, for a very simple reason. His behaviour on days out is really challenging"

Yes I mean these are individual nuances that need to be taken into account, it's not a one size fits all statement, but a general one.... When your DSS grows hopefully things will change. Do you feel any of his behavioural issues come from being in a step family?

@Fondizone

"In my own way I love my DSS, but I certainly wouldn't want this, for a very simple reason. His behaviour on days out is really challenging"

Yes I mean these are individual nuances that need to be taken into account, it's not a one size fits all statement, but a general one.... When your DSS grows hopefully things will change. Do you feel any of his behavioural issues come from being in a step family?

Well the majority of his behaviour comes from his ADHD, but he also has less boundaries than we would like in his primary home around this kind of thing, but that's just our perspective. Beyond that, no I have no reason to think it comes from acting out due to being in a step family. He's just absent minded, hyperactive, and loves being the centre of attention.

@Fondizone

"Personally I think blended families aren’t a great way for children to grow up. The ones I’ve seen are generally full of problems, resentment and jealousy and that usually stems from how the parents parent."

Agree also from my own small sample of observations. It seems very very hard...

There are many home environments that aren’t ideal for children. In the absence of a happy nuclear family it’s a case of making the best of it.

There are many home environments that aren’t ideal for children. In the absence of a happy nuclear family it’s a case of making the best of it

But often its not making the best of it, at all. If mu nuclear family breaks up, its not making the best of it for my children to move them in with someone new, and their kids half the time, and have even more children.
It's making the worst of it, IMO.

@MarkUp

My child is my husband's.

And we also don't never take DSCs on days out or holidays. I just don't stop doing them with my DC too if the opportunity comes up and DSC aren't about or can't come.

I think that's fair enough.

If you can't treat all the children equally, don't become a step parent.

But often its not making the best of it, at all. If mu nuclear family breaks up, its not making the best of it for my children to move them in with someone new, and their kids half the time, and have even more children.

I agree. It’s the adults doing what they want and the kids having to go along with it. It’s really disturbing how quickly it happens in many cases as well.

@toocoldforsno

There are many home environments that aren’t ideal for children. In the absence of a happy nuclear family it’s a case of making the best of it

But often its not making the best of it, at all. If mu nuclear family breaks up, its not making the best of it for my children to move them in with someone new, and their kids half the time, and have even more children.
It's making the worst of it, IMO.

Perhaps not for your children. I meant “making the best of it” in general. Whatever that looks like for that family. A blended family isn’t the worst case or undesirable in every instance. There are positives to be drawn from it too.

A blended family isn’t the worst case or undesirable in every instance. There are positives to be drawn from it too

For the adults, maybe. Very rarely for the children. But the adults need to convince themselves that the kids just love it, to make them feel better about their choices.

In my own experience my DSS’ mum settling down and blending families has been nothing but positive for him. Prior to that she had a revolving door of men which I know he found really confusing. His step dad is a positive influence and his mum is much more grounded as a consequence. I think she suffered with self esteem issues and finding someone who isn’t using her for sex has allowed her to stop chasing men - all of whom moved in for brief periods.

Personally, I think DSS benefits from mine and DH’s marriage and DSS. Both homes now have stable environments with happier, grounded parents. Both households now have siblings and DSS is less isolated as a consequence.

DH and his ex hated each other and had a very co-parenting toxic relationship, now they’ve both moved on they have dropped all the BS and absorbed themselves in their own independent lives.

If you can't treat all the children equally, don't become a step parent.

So for example, the stepmum wants to take her 3 year old dc to Peppa Pig Land. 12 year old dsc doesn’t get an invite. And that’s unequal because?

@FindingMeno

If you can't treat all the children equally, don't become a step parent.

I don't agree - and I would normally be part of the first wives/golden womb brigade

I didn't expect my DS's step mum to treat him as an equal to her own children, I just hoped that she'd treat him nicely when he was in their house (unfortunately she did quite the opposite). I do expect his Dad to treat all of his children as equals - again not really happened, so I blame him for that as IMO that's unacceptable.

An unpopular opinion on here, but I do struggle to understand why someone would get involved with a man/woman who already has children if they can't accept that it means their partner has responsibilities, and that child is going to end up being part of their life.
In our case DS's ex step mum very much knew DS existed (mutual friend of Ex and I) and behaved in a way that appeared she expected DS to stop visiting when she moved in. As I say, I didn't expect her to treat him as the same as her own DS, but she could have at least made his time there pleasant. Instead he was pushed away, his Dad stood back and allowed it to happen, and now their relationship is not great.

@DinoHat

In my own experience my DSS’ mum settling down and blending families has been nothing but positive for him. Prior to that she had a revolving door of men which I know he found really confusing. His step dad is a positive influence and his mum is much more grounded as a consequence. I think she suffered with self esteem issues and finding someone who isn’t using her for sex has allowed her to stop chasing men - all of whom moved in for brief periods.

Personally, I think DSS benefits from mine and DH’s marriage and DSS. Both homes now have stable environments with happier, grounded parents. Both households now have siblings and DSS is less isolated as a consequence.

DH and his ex hated each other and had a very co-parenting toxic relationship, now they’ve both moved on they have dropped all the BS and absorbed themselves in their own independent lives.

What I see there is your DSS had 2 appalling parents whose influence was eventually mitigated by getting with people who were better at parenting than they were. It's not really something to be impressed by or proud about.

@toocoldforsno

A blended family isn’t the worst case or undesirable in every instance. There are positives to be drawn from it too

For the adults, maybe. Very rarely for the children. But the adults need to convince themselves that the kids just love it, to make them feel better about their choices.

I can think of many examples of happy, blended families and friends I have known from childhood to now adulthood who aren’t bitter or upset and don’t feel shortchanged. I think it’s a very narrow view.

@funinthesun19

If you can't treat all the children equally, don't become a step parent.

So for example, the stepmum wants to take her 3 year old dc to Peppa Pig Land. 12 year old dsc doesn’t get an invite. And that’s unequal because?

The 12 year old will be traumatised for life if they can't go too. It will lead to years of therapy as they won't be able to understand why a mother might want to take her 3 year old to Peppa Pig and not the 12 year old. They must also be given equal access to baby sensory classes and soft play.

I’m neither impressed, nor proud, merely making a point that blending families has been positive for him.